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Original poster

How do I help DD best?

33 replies

AmazonianWarrior · 11/07/2025 01:21

A bit of background. DD is in year 6. We moved last May as the secondary schools in the area where we lived were not very good. I looked at a lot of data and we moved to what is the best school in the town where we live. She got into the school and we were all very happy. She has been looking forward to walking to school for the first time ever in her life, with the daughter of our neighbour who is currently in Year 8 and they are good friends, and with a couple of other girls in the neighbourhood, one of whom is also currently in year 6 in a local primary school. Because of us moving last year, we are 25-30 minute drive away from her primary school so it’s quite a trek. However, I’m really going to miss not driving her to school anymore; I’ve been driving her since she was 3 and started nursery.
She’s been in her primary school since Feb Year 3. She was not happy in her first school and there were a number of issues that us parents raised to the school but they didn’t address them and a few of us moved their children. DD wanted to move but then after the move she was sad and missed her old school and her friend (we keep in touch and the girls are still good friends and we do meet up regularly). She then made friends with several children in her new school and settled in so well!
Tonight DD came down after bedtime and sat on my lap, snuggled up and then started crying, telling me that she wanted to go to the secondary school that’s very close to her current primary school, as most of her friends will be going there and she’ll miss her friends so much! We didn’t want her to go to that secondary school as it’s not a very good school. She knows this. But she was very upset about not being able to go to the same secondary school as her friends and she cried a lot. I could understand her. My heart goes out to her! My darling girl!
I know it’s an uncomfortable feeling being in a new environment where you don’t know anyone (ok, she does know our neighbours’ year 8 daughter, the year 6 girl from the neighbourhood and a girl she made friends with on Transition day. She had 2 transition mornings and a full transition day along with the handful of other students who are transitioning from their school on their own) but this girl is not going to be in the same tutor group as her, and neither is the other girl who lives in our neighbourhood.
She was very upset about this too, when we found out.
The thing is, I know that she’s so good at making friends and she is such a lovely person, I know it’s scary, worrying and uncomfortable right now, but I know she’ll make new friends and she’ll thrive.
We cuddled and talked and she calmed down but it took an hour and she’ll probably bring it up again. She said she wanted to go to the school where all her friends will go and I can understand that but we moved to live here because we believe this is the best thing for her. I told her this too.
How can I best support her with the transition to secondary school? How can I help her to be resilient and happy?
Has anyone else had this sort of predicament before? I want to do my best by her. Thank you 💓

OP posts:
Twobigbabies · 11/07/2025 07:11

I went to a secondary school none of my friends went to and was absolutely fine. Made new friends in seconds. My 2 best friends from primary parted ways as soon as they got to secondary. For various reasons I'm my area kids tend to disperse for secondary but never seem to have problems making new friends. Sounds like your daughter is just having a wobble probably because the kids at her current school are all talking about secondary, going to inductions and it's an exciting time. It's lovely that you've noticed and you care. Just keep positive about the new school. Walking to school on it's own is a great positive. I'm sure things will improve for her once term ends.

sashh · 11/07/2025 07:06

I would go with saying the places are allocated and can't be changed.

But offer her a bit of an out that if she is still unhappy after year 7 you will consider moving her.

I find this really difficult because I was miserable at school and there were other options, good options but I wasn't allowed to explore them.

Eastie77Returns · 11/07/2025 06:57

@AmazonianWarrior I completely agree with you and I’m bemused at people telling you to send your child to an inferior school just to keep her happy.

I was in a very similar same position to you last year. The majority of DD’s Y6 class, including her closest friends, were all attending the same secondary school but I visited it and was not impressed at all for several reasons. I knew it was not the right school for her. I chose a different one and had weeks of complaints from her, some tears and pleas to switch to the other school as she would miss her friends. I stood my ground. Fast forward one year and DD loves her new school and has made lots of friends. You can read the Y7 Support Thread I started for similar examples from other parents.

Ironically I was speaking to the mum of one DD’s old Y6 friends. She said once all of the kids from the Y6 class started secondary school together, they mainly went their separate ways within a few weeks and formed new friendship groups. Her DD no longer hangs out with any of her Y6 friends. However she is still good friends with DD despite the fact they attend different schools.

Your DD will be absolutely fine.

Original poster
AmazonianWarrior · 11/07/2025 01:52

simsbustinoutmimi · 11/07/2025 01:40

It may be possible if you give the other school a call (without telling you daughter) they still may be able to allocate a place before term commences. There will also likely be a school bus service or some sort of transport that can take her to the other school, I wouldn’t let transport stop things, I attended a school 45 minutes away at one point. She may have to agree to get up earlier but that is a price she’d have to be willing to pay.

i do think it’s worth speaking to the other school about available places and any concerns about their rep and exam results and pastoral care.

I’m sorry, but a school with a good reputation and pastoral care doesn’t always mean the students are all happy and hard working. But pastoral care is something she will certainly be needing if you remove her away from all of her friends at her age.

what do the parents of her friends think RE the school? Why are they sending their children if it’s so bad?

I know you’re asking for advice on how to support her, but I genuinely think it’s a mistake moving her again at the age she is now when she’s forged friendships. It’s so hard to keep a friendship group going when you’re left out of everything, which in this case she will be as she will be attending another school all alone.

Show quote history

They send their children there because it’s local and convenient. They all live in the same village and in walking distance to the school.
There is absolutely no bus service.
I work in a secondary school and students cease to be friends with friends from primary school all the time. They form new friendships and move on from old ones.
I went to a boarding school for a year and made friends. I only knew 2 other girls in the whole school, and they were not in my tutor group. After 1 year I went back to my home town and went to a secondary school there. I didn’t know a soul and made lots of friends and enjoyed my time there.
My husband also moved from one party of the country to another, 4 hours away. He didn’t know anyone apart from his mum, sister and stepdad there. He made friends too.
Everyone has different personalities and I feel like you’re basing your response on your personality. DD makes friends easily and always had a lot of friends. We are not looking to move her to this school we purposely avoided.
I wanted to ask for advice to support her with the transition and I don’t feel heard when I read your responses. I’m sorry you had such a traumatic time and clearly for you going where your friends went would have been a huge help.

OP posts:
simsbustinoutmimi · 11/07/2025 01:43

No, I didn’t keep in touch with them. we all tried at first. I was left out of everything as I’d left the school and we ended up losing touch. Not really anyone’s fault but it’s difficult (especially in the age of social Media) where she will see her mates in school hanging out without her. I’m not saying they will forget about her, but there’s a difference began a friend you see every day, and a friend you only see every so often as they’re half an hour away. The dynamics totally change.

if she was nursery or primary school age (ks1) id say by all means consider it. But at the age she is now, no.

im glad the school and teachers seem nice but id urge you to listen to your daughters thoughts and take them on board. She can always move the following year if she still wants to and doesn’t mind being the new girl, but i would give her friends school a chance.

it’s obviously up to you what you do as you’re the parent. she doesn’t want to go, but at the end of the day it’s your choice as you’re not he adult. Just giving you the thoughts of someone whose parents did this and who it didn’t work out for.

simsbustinoutmimi · 11/07/2025 01:40

AmazonianWarrior · 11/07/2025 01:32

It’s not that simple. School places have been allocated already.
The school her friends go to is a 30 minute drive away. It’s just not a well performing school, and doesn’t have good reputation. The other school has excellent reputation, pastoral care and it’s a very good school.
She makes friends wherever she goes.
I’m asking for help about supporting her, not changing the school choice.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience! Did you keep in touch with your friends? We fully intend to keep in touch with them, and she never had issues making friends.
We weren’t just looking at ‘league tables’ but visited the schools too, and the one we opted for had a really good feel about it. She liked it too. We also applied to a grammar school and she did the 11+ but she didn’t quite get enough points, we could see her heart was not into it and it was too academic for her. The school we chose is the right fit and we want to support her. The teachers, her head of year and the SEND department have also been really helpful and supportive during the transition mornings and transition day.

Edited
Show quote history

It may be possible if you give the other school a call (without telling you daughter) they still may be able to allocate a place before term commences. There will also likely be a school bus service or some sort of transport that can take her to the other school, I wouldn’t let transport stop things, I attended a school 45 minutes away at one point. She may have to agree to get up earlier but that is a price she’d have to be willing to pay.

i do think it’s worth speaking to the other school about available places and any concerns about their rep and exam results and pastoral care.

I’m sorry, but a school with a good reputation and pastoral care doesn’t always mean the students are all happy and hard working. But pastoral care is something she will certainly be needing if you remove her away from all of her friends at her age.

what do the parents of her friends think RE the school? Why are they sending their children if it’s so bad?

I know you’re asking for advice on how to support her, but I genuinely think it’s a mistake moving her again at the age she is now when she’s forged friendships. It’s so hard to keep a friendship group going when you’re left out of everything, which in this case she will be as she will be attending another school all alone.

Original poster
AmazonianWarrior · 11/07/2025 01:32

simsbustinoutmimi · 11/07/2025 01:27

I would let her go to the one her friends are going to. Just because the other one is - I presume - more academic, doesn’t mean she will be happy. It’s all too easy to tell her she will make more friends, but when all your friends are at another school it will be so hard for her.

making new friends as a teenager is a lot harder than doing it as a kid.

What is so bad about the school her mates are going to?

I know you feel you’re doing the best for her, but my parents did a similar thing for me (not exactly the same but similar enough) and I ended up so lonely and dropping out at 15, whilst all my friends flourished.

Please consider everything when choosing her high school. Not just league tables.

Edited

It’s not that simple. School places have been allocated already.
The school her friends go to is a 30 minute drive away. It’s just not a well performing school, and doesn’t have good reputation. The other school has excellent reputation, pastoral care and it’s a very good school.
She makes friends wherever she goes.
I’m asking for help about supporting her, not changing the school choice.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience! Did you keep in touch with your friends? We fully intend to keep in touch with them, and she never had issues making friends.
We weren’t just looking at ‘league tables’ but visited the schools too, and the one we opted for had a really good feel about it. She liked it too. We also applied to a grammar school and she did the 11+ but she didn’t quite get enough points, we could see her heart was not into it and it was too academic for her. The school we chose is the right fit and we want to support her. The teachers, her head of year and the SEND department have also been really helpful and supportive during the transition mornings and transition day.

OP posts:
simsbustinoutmimi · 11/07/2025 01:27

I would let her go to the one her friends are going to. Just because the other one is - I presume - more academic, doesn’t mean she will be happy. It’s all too easy to tell her she will make more friends, but when all your friends are at another school it will be so hard for her.

making new friends as a teenager is a lot harder than doing it as a kid.

What is so bad about the school her mates are going to?

I know you feel you’re doing the best for her, but my parents did a similar thing for me (not exactly the same but similar enough) and I ended up so lonely and dropping out at 15, whilst all my friends flourished.

Please consider everything when choosing her high school. Not just league tables.

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