How do I help DD best?

AmazonianWarrior · 2025-07-11T00:21:16+00:00

A bit of background. DD is in year 6. We moved last May as the secondary schools in the area where we lived were not very good. I looked at a lot of data and we moved to what is the best school in the town where we live. She got into the school and we were all very happy. She has been looking forward to walking to school for the first time ever in her life, with the daughter of our neighbour who is currently in Year 8 and they are good friends, and with a couple of other girls in the neighbourhood, one of whom is also currently in year 6 in a local primary school. Because of us moving last year, we are 25-30 minute drive away from her primary school so it’s quite a trek. However, I’m really going to miss not driving her to school anymore; I’ve been driving her since she was 3 and started nursery. She’s been in her primary school since Feb Year 3. She was not happy in her first school and there were a number of issues that us parents raised to the school but they didn’t address them and a few of us moved their children. DD wanted to move but then after the move she was sad and missed her old school and her friend (we keep in touch and the girls are still good friends and we do meet up regularly). She then made friends with several children in her new school and settled in so well! Tonight DD came down after bedtime and sat on my lap, snuggled up and then started crying, telling me that she wanted to go to the secondary school that’s very close to her current primary school, as most of her friends will be going there and she’ll miss her friends so much! We didn’t want her to go to that secondary school as it’s not a very good school. She knows this. But she was very upset about not being able to go to the same secondary school as her friends and she cried a lot. I could understand her. My heart goes out to her! My darling girl! I know it’s an uncomfortable feeling being in a new environment where you don’t know anyone (ok, she does know our neighbours’ year 8 daughter, the year 6 girl from the neighbourhood and a girl she made friends with on Transition day. She had 2 transition mornings and a full transition day along with the handful of other students who are transitioning from their school on their own) but this girl is not going to be in the same tutor group as her, and neither is the other girl who lives in our neighbourhood. She was very upset about this too, when we found out. The thing is, I know that she’s so good at making friends and she is such a lovely person, I know it’s scary, worrying and uncomfortable right now, but I know she’ll make new friends and she’ll thrive. We cuddled and talked and she calmed down but it took an hour and she’ll probably bring it up again. She said she wanted to go to the school where all her friends will go and I can understand that but we moved to live here because we believe this is the best thing for her. I told her this too. How can I best support her with the transition to secondary school? How can I help her to be resilient and happy? Has anyone else had this sort of predicament before? I want to do my best by her. Thank you 💓

thesandwich · 22/07/2025 19:30

You could use the travel and trips to build her confidence- get her to plan routes/ trips, try new things, whatever they are. Go into shops etc on her own to buy something, loots of opportunities to build her confidence in trying new things.

Original poster

AmazonianWarrior · 21/07/2025 22:50

thesandwich · 18/07/2025 15:10

Can you focus on activities over the summer to build her confidence in doing new things in a v safe way? Any sports camps/ art camps? Doing something new as a family?
in similar circs we did canoeing etc and go ape / hiking type things to grow confidence in safe environments.

There is a martial arts camp that I was hoping she’d like to go to, she expressed interest in martial arts before, and I thought this would be great for her confidence. It’s 2 days, but she says she doesn’t want go! 😳
We will be going on holiday together, the 3 of us, with my husband/her Dad, and her and me are also going to my home country for 10 days, so we will have lots of quality time together. 💝

OP posts:

thesandwich · 18/07/2025 15:10

Can you focus on activities over the summer to build her confidence in doing new things in a v safe way? Any sports camps/ art camps? Doing something new as a family?
in similar circs we did canoeing etc and go ape / hiking type things to grow confidence in safe environments.

Original poster

AmazonianWarrior · 17/07/2025 15:51

Jellyjellyonaplate · 17/07/2025 12:17

Just wanted to say, your long conversation with her at bedtime will have let her offload all those worries. I'm sure she's feeling much better about it just from sharing them with you! But now you feel a bit wobbly!

You've done amazing already to support her so well during that prolonged chat. She's going to do great, hang in there, after the first few days you'll forget about the worries!

Also there are pros and cons about being on the same side as everyone she knows who she's not that good friends with. The downside is that she might hang out with acquaintances rather than put effort into making really good friends. The upside is it will be less stressful in the first few days. I think the school strategy of reviewing after a couple of weeks sounds ok.

Ps we've got a new year 7 support thread if you want to join it!

Thank you so so much!!
Her primary sent an email to her secondary recommending that she is at least on the same side as the children she knows, even if not in the same tutor group. IDK if they will, but I agree with what you’re saying and I’m sure she’ll be ok!
Yes please, I’d love to join your Year 7 support thread please!
Thank you very much for your kind, helpful words, encouragement and support! 💖

OP posts:

sophistitroll · 17/07/2025 12:29

You’ve done absolutely the right thing, the suggestion of a previous poster that you should let her go to the other school with her friends is madness. Friendships change and move on and you have to trust you’ve done the right thing for her. She’ll have virtually forgotten about it by the end of year 7. Just to say though do expect it to go on for a bit. In my experience we had a lot of “I wish I was at x school” until about feb half term with both mine and then never heard another word about it and they were completely happy at the chosen school

Jellyjellyonaplate · 17/07/2025 12:17

Just wanted to say, your long conversation with her at bedtime will have let her offload all those worries. I'm sure she's feeling much better about it just from sharing them with you! But now you feel a bit wobbly!

You've done amazing already to support her so well during that prolonged chat. She's going to do great, hang in there, after the first few days you'll forget about the worries!

Also there are pros and cons about being on the same side as everyone she knows who she's not that good friends with. The downside is that she might hang out with acquaintances rather than put effort into making really good friends. The upside is it will be less stressful in the first few days. I think the school strategy of reviewing after a couple of weeks sounds ok.

Ps we've got a new year 7 support thread if you want to join it!

Original poster

AmazonianWarrior · 13/07/2025 18:35

ConfuzdMum · 13/07/2025 13:23

Hi, it looks like so many people are convinced that keeping a child in a local school with old friends woudl be the best solution. I see where you are coming from , OP, and I’m with you on that one- you have done your research and know your child well.

I'm in a similar situation, plus my daughter is also neurodivergent , so transition is a big step. She doesn’t know anyone in her new secondary

im trying to reach out to other new year 7 parents and see if we can have some local play dates to find travel buddies and possibly make day 1 less stressful:)

this might work for your daughter , as you are saying that she’s good at making friends.
she might make new friends from her new school over the summer and look forward to being with them in September

good luck to both of you, you’ve got this!

That’s a great idea!! Thank you 🩷
I’m wishing you and your DD all the best for the summer, the play dates and for secondary school! 💞

OP posts:

ConfuzdMum · 13/07/2025 13:23

Hi, it looks like so many people are convinced that keeping a child in a local school with old friends woudl be the best solution. I see where you are coming from , OP, and I’m with you on that one- you have done your research and know your child well.

I'm in a similar situation, plus my daughter is also neurodivergent , so transition is a big step. She doesn’t know anyone in her new secondary

im trying to reach out to other new year 7 parents and see if we can have some local play dates to find travel buddies and possibly make day 1 less stressful:)

this might work for your daughter , as you are saying that she’s good at making friends.
she might make new friends from her new school over the summer and look forward to being with them in September

good luck to both of you, you’ve got this!

Original poster

AmazonianWarrior · 13/07/2025 12:46

JessicaTookMyLunch · 13/07/2025 09:01

@AmazonianWarrior Usually on transition day here they are in their new class with their new teacher so they have already been sorted into forms. Did this happen for you? If not contact the school immediately to request that your DD is in the same form as her year 6 friend. They probably won't be seated together but they will be in the same mass of students walking to their next class together.

Ds1 was sat alphabetically, sat next to a truly lovely boy, joined him at break as they were chatting, he had a group of mates from primary so they joined them and that group pretty much stayed together all the way through. Ds2 spent his first break and lunch walking around so he looked like he had somewhere to be rather than standing around. By day 4 someone asked him if he was okay as he was just walking about, that then led to a friendship with a group of boys. Before that he was talking to anyone he sat next to in classes so that was nice too. Ds2 is a little quirky so I am glad he found people exactly like him.

Children are excited by the new people and eager to make new friends. Both of mine went to clubs, Ds2 started attending one in year 7 and that continued all the way through to year 11. They were gutted to leave it.

That’s so lovely!! Thank you for sharing it!
Yes, she did have her full transition day a few weeks ago, that’s when it transpired that she was not put in the same tutor group and even on the same side as the 3 girls she knows. I requested this immediately. The head of year said to give it 2 weeks next year and if she’s not made friends, they’ll reconsider it but she also said they will take advice from her primary school as she is getting a CAMHS referral for the suspected ADHD. I asked her primary school SENCO and her class teacher (who is also assistant headteacher) to support DD with this request. I’m waiting to hear back.

OP posts:

JessicaTookMyLunch · 13/07/2025 09:01

@AmazonianWarrior Usually on transition day here they are in their new class with their new teacher so they have already been sorted into forms. Did this happen for you? If not contact the school immediately to request that your DD is in the same form as her year 6 friend. They probably won't be seated together but they will be in the same mass of students walking to their next class together.

Ds1 was sat alphabetically, sat next to a truly lovely boy, joined him at break as they were chatting, he had a group of mates from primary so they joined them and that group pretty much stayed together all the way through. Ds2 spent his first break and lunch walking around so he looked like he had somewhere to be rather than standing around. By day 4 someone asked him if he was okay as he was just walking about, that then led to a friendship with a group of boys. Before that he was talking to anyone he sat next to in classes so that was nice too. Ds2 is a little quirky so I am glad he found people exactly like him.

Children are excited by the new people and eager to make new friends. Both of mine went to clubs, Ds2 started attending one in year 7 and that continued all the way through to year 11. They were gutted to leave it.

Original poster

AmazonianWarrior · 13/07/2025 02:30

JessicaTookMyLunch · 12/07/2025 22:17

It is probably feeling huge now because she is leaving primary, leaving behind all the familiar things. We moved house for an incredible secondary, the secondary that my child would have fed into from their primary was just rated good, pastoral shit, discipline out the window so we know we made the right choice. My friend's children went to that secondary and it lived up to its reputation.

My children both went to the secondary where they knew no one, they did the extra transition days so there would be some familiar faces. Both made friends quickly and kept those friends all the way through. They are now 22 and 19 and still see those friends.

You chose the secondary for good reason and you just have to reassure her it will be okay, tell her you completely understand her worries and everyone worries about secondary. Do some walks up to the new school with her over summer so she can get a feel for it before she starts.

Thank you so much for your reassurance and for telling me about your own experiences! I really appreciate it!
I’ll keep on doing that and reassuring her. We have gone to the new school several times, she knows the route and she also went to the big transition day with her friend. I think she’d be much more comfortable if she could be on the same side as the 3 friends she has, so fingers crossed. Either way, I’m sure she’ll make friends soon enough, thankfully so far she’s always been so good with making lovely friends.

OP posts:

JessicaTookMyLunch · 12/07/2025 22:17

It is probably feeling huge now because she is leaving primary, leaving behind all the familiar things. We moved house for an incredible secondary, the secondary that my child would have fed into from their primary was just rated good, pastoral shit, discipline out the window so we know we made the right choice. My friend's children went to that secondary and it lived up to its reputation.

My children both went to the secondary where they knew no one, they did the extra transition days so there would be some familiar faces. Both made friends quickly and kept those friends all the way through. They are now 22 and 19 and still see those friends.

You chose the secondary for good reason and you just have to reassure her it will be okay, tell her you completely understand her worries and everyone worries about secondary. Do some walks up to the new school with her over summer so she can get a feel for it before she starts.

Original poster

AmazonianWarrior · 11/07/2025 23:53

Araminta1003 · 11/07/2025 16:01

I think it is completely normal for children to be worried about going to secondary school, especially those who are not going with a huge bunch of primary friends. My DS is going to grammar school in September and only knows a few boys too. He has done a transition day, we got the uniform, spent time looking at the clubs on the website, school trips etc, some research into the history of the school, practised the school run etc and he is much happier now about it. He does have 1 close friend in his new form, but most of his primary friends are all going to the same school and chatting about it which does make things hard. My DS has looked at the detail of the school though and understands why it is a better fit for him. Did you go through the website, results, languages, clubs etc etc offered that make this a better school so she can understand why you chose it?

Does your DD have any hobbies? For ADHD sports tend to be really important and teams? Does she do that? Does the new school offer that?

Hi, yes, we talked about it, looked at it, she was happy until last week.
They have a theatre performance every year with her school and they do 2 weeks of solid preparation, and one day most of the children weren’t there from her year because they had their transition day to the secondary school they are going to. I think they have been talking about that and the school they are going to, and that set her off.
DD is very sporty, she has been swimming since she was 3 months old but she recently stopped that and stopped gymnastics too. She wanted to try something else instead of swimming, so she started modern and step dance, her choice. At gymnastics they moved the times and we couldn’t make it but will find her a new class once we see her timetable and program in secondary. Her secondary does a lot of fun clubs, she says she doesn’t want to do any of them but hopefully she’ll change her mind when she starts making friends!
I wish your DS all the best in secondary school too!

OP posts:

Araminta1003 · 11/07/2025 16:01

I think it is completely normal for children to be worried about going to secondary school, especially those who are not going with a huge bunch of primary friends. My DS is going to grammar school in September and only knows a few boys too. He has done a transition day, we got the uniform, spent time looking at the clubs on the website, school trips etc, some research into the history of the school, practised the school run etc and he is much happier now about it. He does have 1 close friend in his new form, but most of his primary friends are all going to the same school and chatting about it which does make things hard. My DS has looked at the detail of the school though and understands why it is a better fit for him. Did you go through the website, results, languages, clubs etc etc offered that make this a better school so she can understand why you chose it?

Does your DD have any hobbies? For ADHD sports tend to be really important and teams? Does she do that? Does the new school offer that?

Skybluepinky · 11/07/2025 14:51

thats what happens when you move for a ‘better school’ it doesn’t make children happy and they often don’t meet their full potential as they aren’t happy, but that not what you want to hear as you think you played the system and won.

Comefromaway · 11/07/2025 14:05

My son's school had the Side A & B thing. In your dd's particular circumstane I would maybe contact the school and ask if a swap would be possible. I know of someone who was swopped as ds's school. It isn't asking for them to be in the same tutor group as a friend which I would never advise but she they may not be aware that she knows no-one else at all. It's not about taking existing friendships into account, it is literally knowing no-one else in the school.

Original poster

AmazonianWarrior · 11/07/2025 13:25

I’m incredibly grateful for all your positive, supportive and helpful, kind, encouraging comments! Thank you so much to all of you lovely ladies, for taking the time to write back!
I spoke with my neighbour, we became friends since we moved here last year in May. She has two DDs, in year 4 and year 8. Her year 8 was in the same situation as my DD and her comments echoes what you ladies are saying. Her DD knew nobody there but she made lots of lovely friends and she’ll school is great. My DD was all good this morning and hasn’t even mentioned her anxieties from last night although I’m sure this is not the last I’ve heard of it, but I’ll be there yo live her and support her through it.
There’s 1 thing I’m wondering about and I’d love your thoughts please.
DD is in the process of getting a CAMHS referral from her primary school, as we strongly suspect that she has inattentive ADHD. She is a typical case for girls’ ADHD - she masks in school so they had no idea but a few things happened and they are doing the CAMHS referral for her. She is also getting additional help in school and outside of school too, to help her manage big emotions and help with being impulsivity and inattentiveness. In school she is very well behaved, she is very bright but has some issues around self esteem and confidence. We are always very supportive and positive at home but I know the low confidence and issues with not knowing how to re-regulate after a disappointment, can come from the ADHD as I have these too (and on the waiting list for diagnosis for 1.5 years and counting, hopefully not much longer as I recently went with the NHS RTC path…)
So DD being the only student going from her school and due to the SEND aspect as well maybe, she did have 2 additional transition mornings on top of the transition day, at the new school. She made friends with 1 girl but then they put them on different sides of the school. I didn’t u destined what this meant but basically the students on Side A don’t meet with the students on Side B as their breaks are at different times. DD is on Side B and the 4 people she knows are all on Side A.
I told the school that she was anxious and worried that she won’t know anyone ad she won’t be able to see her friends with them being on the other side. The school said that they’ll keep an eye, give her a buddy, and help her, but that I’m to let them know if after 2 weeks she still feels like this. They also said that whilst they can’t take existing friendships into account (understandable) they will take advice from her primary school.
Should I ask her primary school class teacher and the SENCO to contact her secondary school and recommend that to help her settle easier and to reduce the anxiety, they should put her on the A side as she has friends there and that’d help DD?
Thank you so much for all your help! 💝

OP posts:

Reachforthestars00 · 11/07/2025 10:15

I echo comments that children rapidly change friendship groups in year 7. You cannot base important decisions on maintaining primary friendships. Encourage your daughter to use her mobile phone to keep in touch with old friends and offer to take her to or host meet ups. Leaving primary school is a big step and this is just a wobble. She will be fine.

sesquipedalian · 11/07/2025 09:50

OP, your daughter will make friends at her new school! I think choosing schools is a nightmare - my children are in their thirties and I can still wonder whether I made the right choice - fortunately, you never get to read the other ending, All I can say is that as a parent, you have to do what you think best - yes, it’s scary for the DC going to a new environment where they don’t know anyone, but your DD will make friends and she will thrive and do well. Courage, OP!

Comefromaway · 11/07/2025 09:45

We moved my son from a secondary school in a normal area t one where there was a middle school system. He was one of only two children who didn't come from one of the two middle schools. He was find and moving him there was the best thing we ever did for him.

It might be worth having a word with the school about her being one of the only children from her primary. Ds's school were aware of this and made sure to keep an eye. But friendship groups are generally all split up anyway.

Bluevelvetsofa · 11/07/2025 09:39

There are many children who are going to a secondary school where they don’t know many others. It’s a great opportunity to make new friends and widen the social circle. She may well find that she’s in a form group where there are other ‘singles’ so they just get together.

Send her to the school that you think will be the best fit and give her the best opportunities. That’s the one you chose, for sound reasons and it will help her independence too.

DongDingBell · 11/07/2025 07:20

Yes, it's big and scary, and unknown right now. But you made a decision for reasons that were right for you and your family.

Stick with the allocated school and the freedom to walk. It will be worth it if it is the right school.

Make plans to see existing friends over the summer - and o es from the new school if you can.

Br1ll1ant · 11/07/2025 07:19

It’s scary for her and she must feel left out of chats with her current school friends but you’re doing the right thing. You need to listen to her and let her be sad and worried. Remind her why you’ve made the choices you have and how proud you are of her ability to make new friends and be brave, that sort of thing.
Once school has finished for the summer and she’s spending more time with those going to her new school, she may get more excited. The move is daunting but everyone (mostly!) goes through it and often thrives.
It’s challenges like this that help us all grow and develop self-confidence in our own abilities.
You may have to reassure over the next couple of months, but parenting involves a lot of that when they reach this age!

TwinTantrums · 11/07/2025 07:18

I had this wobble at the end of year 6. So did both my children. Schools make such a big deal of leaving. The assemblies, hoodies, ceremonies. I sobbed my heart out for most of the day on my last day of primary school! Two weeks later I was so excited to start secondary, I was begging my mum to buy me pens and books!

Farkinhell · 11/07/2025 07:16

She will be fine come September. My child went to a secondary with nobody else from her primary, and made friends quickly. She had to!
Keep her distracted over summer, let her stay in touch with the old school and current year 6 friends as she likes but encourage her to go in on September open minded.

These things seem like a massive deal (especially to her) now but you've made a decision on the school, stick to it. In a few months it'll all be grand, she'll have met and gelled with new friends and it's highly likely the old friendship group wouldn't be as close as they go through secondary together anyway.