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Original poster

How to navigate in a super competitive girls school

57 replies

savvygal · 27/06/2025 11:50

Hi Mums,

I hope you are well.

I’m writing as a concerned parent of DD12 who started in an outstanding grammar school. This school has recently announced a new prize-giving ceremony.

While I completely support the school’s efforts to celebrate achievement and promote excellence, the way the awards have been introduced and communicated has unintentionally caused some distress among students who were not selected. With no clear criteria shared and only certain pupils receiving private notifications, many students — including my daughter — have been left confused and disheartened, unsure of what they could have done differently.

Understandably, at this age, students are still developing their self-confidence and learning how to manage academic pressure and peer dynamics. My daughter has expressed feeling increasingly discouraged, especially as some of her friends are openly boasting emails about their awards and, at times, making unkind remarks. I worry this could impact not only her motivation but also her sense of belonging in what is otherwise a supportive and inspiring school environment.

I am also appalled the way this was communicated as they do have celebration assemblies in school which could be used as a way to communicate and emphasise on the criteria and how these winners were chosen to promote and motivate the girls to do better. I wrote to the school head and head of the year 7 too, but I just got a standard response back advising that they are following the school policies and would advise pastoral case to look into the matter with the girls being mean to others who have not received the email.

Is there anything I can do as a concerned parent? Should I push my daughter to do more activities in the school? I am sending my daughter to school to get good education in a conducive enviroment and didn't realise that she is in a race.

Did anyone face a similar situation?? Please advise.

Thank you

OP posts:
wandsworth25 · 27/06/2025 12:22

I think it's important to realise year group sizes are so much bigger than at primary, so even for a talented, hard-working child, it is so much harder to win a prize at anything. If you have 180 girls in a year group, there will be many amazing girls who just aren't going to be #1 at anything and that is a fact of life.

Parents should not show disappointment or have the expectation that your child should win a prize. It is easier to be top of the class at primary school or to win an award in this small setting. The problem at your school may be that there are many parents who expect their child to be the best, but this is an unrealistic, unhealthy expectation at a superselective school.

My daughter is a sports scholar in her school and even then I doubt she will win any 1st prize on her sports day next week because with 150 kids in the year group, in any event there always seem to be 2-3 girls who are even better. I don't think there is anything wrong with a school announcing prizes and of course it is not a science and there are probably often 3-4 deserving children and they can only pick one, that's life.

UpToonGirl · 27/06/2025 12:22

We had prize giving at my school, by seniors I think everyone gets that no everyone is going to get an award.

We actually just had PG at my son's school the other day, the head made a point of saying the awards meant something and therefore not everyone will get one.

It's just life I'm afraid, especially at a high performing school.

OxfordInkling · 27/06/2025 12:16

You need to explain to DD that she can’t always have a prize and needs to also learn to cheer on others.

I think it’s lovely that the school praises and recognises academic excellence. It’s likely based on a mix of performance over the year, plus end of year test results. Maybe with a bit of extra points for participation in academic events like maths olympiad. Perhaps next year it’ll be your DD.

The nasty comments just need reporting to pastoral care. They can be handled there.

columnatedruinsdomino · 27/06/2025 12:16

Surely you as a parent explain why some children are selected and others are not?
i didn’t even know dd1’s school had prizegiving until she won a prize in year 11.

clary · 27/06/2025 12:11

You definitely need to leave this.

Apart from the nasty behaviour by some girls (which the school has said it is looking into) there is no issue. Obvs not everyone will win.

My DCs’ school did prizegiving for KS3 – DS won the MFL prize in year 7 but wanted to win PE of course – I just said to him, only one person can win, and it doesn’t mean you are not doing well. He totally accepted this when he realised that in fact only about a dozen of his year (of 220 DC) were at the ceremony at all.

Your dd is in a grammar school where hopefully everyone is able and only one person can be chosen to win. That’s fine. In fact that’s life. Same as if she were in the 100m race – only one person wins. Doesn’t mean it’s not worth pushing yourself to get a PB and improve. Encourage your DD to do the same.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 27/06/2025 12:06

It’s common practise to only send invites/emails to those who have been awarded a prize to attend an awards ceremony at schools. Think of it positively that you won’t have to sit through an event where your child won’t get a prize!

Who knows what the criteria is for any awards given at schools? You can always ask for guidance but I’d be surprised if you get any specific feedback. Think yourself and your child lucky that this is the first time you’ve been on the ‘un-receiving’ end. My child went through the whole of primary and secondary school without ever winning an award. That’s 12 years of never, ever being recognised! We just laughed about it in the end. What else can you do?

Having said that, it’s not appropriate for mean comments from those who have won and I’d definitely be raising that as an issue with the school.

I wouldn’t push her to do more activities, that won’t necessarily means she’d win an award. Just tell her the YOU are proud of her and that she’s doing well. Schools aren’t a ‘race’ but as anywhere in life, if your face doesn’t fit, you won’t get the recognition.

MandarinCat · 27/06/2025 11:58

In any school not everyone can win prizes at prize giving. I went to a girls' grammar and never won prizes as there were brighter and more hard working girls than me. I'd always been near the top of the class at primary, but had to accept I wasn't top of my grammar school.

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