How to navigate in a super competitive girls school

I think the best thing you can do is stand back and let go of your anxiety about this.

As one headteacher once said (I was grateful - my DD was never the prizewinner)) there's such a thing as peaking too early, A bit of gentle wisdom that helped me.

School prizes are awarded at the discretion of the teachers! There are no criteria as such. If you have excelled you might get one, you might not!

What are the kids who have received the awards actually saying? What’s the unkind remarks they are making? I find that bit really strange because I would think just mentioning that they received an email with the awards wouldn’t be boasting. But if there is bad behaviour around it, the school needs to deal with it and they have said that they would.
Other than that there is no problem. Surely academic awards are based on tests / teachers recommendations.

My kids went to a comp and prize giving was invite only which is fine as how many students want to sit through hours of clapping others? Parents would like to see their child awarded so it’s better that they are in the audience.

Their school awarded for achievement and effort (separate awards) DD won a few over the years and I think it’s because she achieved much higher than her targets (effort) and she got top grade in the year in some final exams .

You chose a competitive grammar - I’d expect competitive students who would want to tell everyone else that they’d been nominated. It will naturally be harder to win because there is a much narrower difference between everyone’s ability. It became a race the moment that you picked grammar- didn’t you prep for the exam, possibly visit a school out of area etc ? It was naive to think that the race ended after the exam- I suspect that things get increasingly competitive as you move up the school and approach GCSEs, A-levels, uni entrance etc

Did your dd get lots of awards in primary? My dd only received the bare minimum (the ones where everybody wins eventually) so she was amazed to be recognised in secondary. If your dd was overlooked in primary then remind her about bullshit random award schemes to make her feel better.

Meh. All schools my kids went to had end of year prize giving. Everyone attended. Those getting a prize/award were notified in advance. We sat through years watching pretty much the same kids get the prizes. It was only in Sixth Form that my DD got ‘most improved’ for History (she had the last laugh getting 196/200 in her A level after having a B prediction), and best EPQ. My son only ever got one prize which was star pupil for his year (a leadership award rather than academic prize).
I don’t think there was any issues like you describe. No one boasted. You got Math prize this year you might not next. It was a bit annoying sitting for hours knowing your child wasn’t going to get anything for the fourth year in a row but that’s life. We clapped those that did, rolled our eyes inwardly when Mary got the Sports prize yet again, and then went on with our day.

@savvygal This is life in a super selective grammar. Odd that you were not aware that there are "end of year prizes". Has been the case for a long time (every bloody year, forever ad infinitum). Presumably there are also end of year exams - in my day they were announced via a print out from top to bottom.
On the plus side, your child is in a good learning environment - including the lesson that "one's best is not the best all the time".

Hate to say it but, if you've chosen a super-selective academic school then this is the culture you are now in and have to deal with.

It is horrible - I never got any prizes either and used to get so fed up clapping on prize day for the same four girls who would each divvy up all the big prizes between themselves every year. I think you just have to keep pressing the message about internal motivation and not being too hung up on other people's achievements but focussing on your own goals.

It will feel raw now but hopefully time will be a healer over the holidays and she feels better soon.

Just to add - you join the race the min child n u decide to appear for test, accept the offer n join the school. Ofcourse it is all competitive n it is a race. The point is though are chilled about it as child is good school (hopefully good healthy environment) or running n want to be on top? If the later than it is very stressful n with all these mental health issues we have good our son that at no point of time we want him to think we need it or expect it. His life his choice . Want to do better then perform n work hard but ur decision .

giros schools are difficult as I hear from other friends. Boys are much chilled but then thats not generalised .. just my personal experience

My son didn’t get any in year 7 n this year we got an email that he is being awarded . We asked him but he has no clue.. school didn’t give any details to him or us.
having said that he struggled in year 7 as he came from state primary to a super selective boy school n didn’t had tuitions or work hard for grammar entrance . It was a shock to our kid system to think he has to study everyday . I could see a change in year 8 where he was more regular n bounced back . We had a very generalised year end report which didn’t tell
anything special . Looked like an average report.

we had chance to meet school teacher on parent evening n we were surprised with feedback we got on him. Apparently he has been shining . We didn’t know he came first in school for computational challenge second round hosted by bebras as this was not shared by school anywhere n no one knows. He got selected for jmo. He has been best in maths/ science n French and rated as exceptional.

but most importantly one teacher commented he helps his classmates out as some of them were struggling.
nobe if his friends know of his achievements . He don’t know abt others either. But I think it’s boy trait.

if other kids are getting prize - you may not know how good they have done n only few got chosen . He got this year but doesn’t mean he will get next year. So that’s that . Celebrate one good news come n clap for other when it’s their turn

his school celebrates sports achievements more rather than academic n I was told he won’t get any till he does something for school at a winning level. That’s how prize in year 7 were for cricket/ tennis etc.. I m surprised he is getting award but don’t know for what though.

In terms of nasty comments, how nasty are we talking. Because I don't think every nasty comment does need picking up by pastoral care. Really unkind stuff, or bullying yes. But kids do need to learn to rub along together and part of that is knowing where the line is.

Tell your daughter that prizes really aren’t the be all and end all. They are not all awarded for best performance in tests - not at all, it could be someone who has tried really hard even if they aren’t naturally gifted at a subject, someone who has helped someone else, someone who did one great project, someone who hasn’t had any other kind of reward but has been consistently decent, or in some cases whoever popped into the teacher’s head at the end of a long evening.

Also tell your daughter that nice kids don’t boast and make others feel bad - so the girls waving their prizes in other people’s faces are people to be stepped away from.

Schools everywhere do prize giving, I don’t particularly agree with it but you won’t change them so it’s about learning to navigate it. I don’t see anything particularly wrong in how they communicated the prizes tbh.

How do you navigate it?

Well you don't buy emailing the head for an explanation.

You explain to your daughter that it's a super competitive school and she's going to find it extremely difficult to get awards.

Then reflect on whether it's the right school for daughter if she's struggling with the competition so early on.

It doesn't sound as if she's suited to this school, if this is bothering her (and you) so much. It's normal for schools to only invite those who won prizes to prizegiving, and to invite them via email or letter home. The vast majority of people won't have won prizes because they didn't come top in Maths or whatever in their yeargroup. You and your daughter seem to be approaching this via being slightly outraged that some people are doing better than others, and being rewarded for it.

Honestly the fuss and upset these awards generate is mad. They should all be scrapped. Primary secondary whatever. No awards for anyone. No school of mine ever did awards in 89s/early 90s.

kindly - you chose a school that competes

there are far more kids who didn’t get prizes so she could perhaps focus on that?

Both my kids schools, one grammar one not, have prize giving evenings. In both cases invites are only sent to those winning a prize, so that’s not particularly unusual. I have no idea what the criteria are, DS1 grammar I believe it is simply the highest achieving student in each subject measured by exam performance as it is possible for a child to win two or three, then they also have more nebulous named ones (eg the Brannington Smythe Cup or the Carmichael Shield not their real names) for positive traits or hard work or generally being a decent chap.

DS2s non grammar has them for every subject for every year but you can only win one and I think they are a combination of achievement, effort, attitude etc.

Anyway this is not unusual. The problem in your case is the children making mean comments I think.

I think the nasty comments are obnoxious but some people aren’t very nice as I’m sure your DD knows. The school will have its way of selecting DC for prizes and it is their business. The only important thing for your DD is to do her best , whether she is first in the class or thirtieth it doesn’t matter as long as she has done her best. Some people are are very fast runners, some are super creative , some are tall there isn’t really merit in these things it is the way it is. She can only worry about herself.
She may have been top of the class at primary school and not had a chance to learn this lesson yet but it is a part of life that we all do have to learn. Unfortunately another thing that can happen is that prizes and recognition at school sometimes isn’t fair or more often appears unfair to the child they need to resilience to accept it.
This is all why as parents we should try very hard to praise hard work rather than achievement.
Sorry to sound preachy.

What sort of things are the winners saying when boasting in emails and making unkind remarks? I find this quite surprising.

I'd be saying it's fine to be envious of people who have won and that you did a good job.

Think about how you approached it, what do you think you did well, what did you learn, is there anything you'd do different going forward for next time. How would you like to celebrate or reward your effort? The prize at the end isn't everything, it doesn't define you.

Honestly it's not the be all and end all - how you approach things matters much more.

How many awards were given? Usually there are just a small number and so no one really feels that bad since most don’t get one. Is it just that a few of her friends happened to get them this year and have been unkind? But if it was half the year group getting some recognition and the other half not, that would be disheartening to a group of very competitive girls.

I think this is a great opportunity to teach your dd some resilience both from the perspective of not always being a winner and dealing with unpleasant behaviour from others.

Also as she is at secondary school now there will be far less communication with parents than happens at primary level. Unless you are actually in the school with her how do you know what was communicated to the girls about criteria?

if there are 100 kids in the year and 1 gets the English prize while another gets the Maths prize (for 10 plausible subjects), that still leaves 90 kids with no prize. and that is entirely normal.

If maths prize kid goes around gloating to the other kids and saying 'I'm smarter than you', that should be stopped.

but otherwise, that is just how secondary schools work.

I was at a grammar school and only managed one prize - for improvement, I think. I wasnt really bothered. I thought the system by which they were awarded was floored. I went on to have a very good academic career. Perhaps I needed to work harder at school but I did my best and wasn’t bothered.

My dd always won those prizes. Very academic girl. Went to college to do some wacky course and has a very basic job. 2ds never won one and have high flying careers. Don't make a big deal out of it.
In their school it was best academic and best trier in each subject. Your dd will just need to accept this is life and maybe stay away from horrible mean girls. Holidays will come and it will be all forgotten.

Oh Good Lord. It's a super selective grammar. And a secondary at that.
Clearly it's done on academic performance. Test results probably.
It's not rocket science.

I cannot believe you emailed the Head. I understand some girls may need reminding to show empathy if they won and others haven't so emailing the Head of Year I understand.

If your daughter wants to win an award she needs to do better academically. The end. You need to tell her you are proud of her achievements regardless but yes, she's in a race

Life is a race. Of course it is! You can choose not to compete. But then there are consequences.