Oldest child given opportunity to go to private school, won't be able to finance younger kids

Both my children went to private prep only our DD went to boarding school for 18 months. Our DD won a scholarship and accepted, our DS turned his down. DS is in London and our daughter at a famous University. Both did well. Our son didn't resent his sister going to her secondary school.

I’d send him.

This - definitely

Difficult one. My original thought was “no” but then his dad also has a say in his education presumably….i think the fact it’s his dad paying makes it ok, as opposed to if if was eg your parents singling one child out

his dad would still need to pay maintenance, that’s not how it works.

My friends had similar situation - he had his DD live with him full time and also his step son from new marriage. His DD's mother was not on the scene, her parents wanted to fund private education for her (to, in their eyes, make up for how monumentally shit her mum was) - our friends could never had funded private school but it has not caused any real issues between the two kids

Sorry, no advice OP, but my GOD, I feel this in my bones 😬

My nephews and niece are at St Aloysius and absolutely love it. No snobbery from them or the school in general.

For his sake, I'd be careful about boarding. He's already a bit out of the family, being the only child from the previous relationship. And if he's away all week at school he might feel a bit left out

my brother paid a fortune because the youngest wanted to go to a private school. The other two hadn’t. I forgot about that as well as this vastly different uni fees. The others didn’t care at all and if anything were happy that the youngest was getting to go to their dream school

i think part of that comes from them knowing that my brother would do all he could to give them their dream thing if they wanted something

as said - it’s gonna be clear here that it’s because of his dad - and not you.

^ agree as above

also agree it could potentially benefit the other children in the long run re opportunities/aspirations

as you accept, your oldest has some disadvantages (not living with both his parents), only fair he should have whatever advantages are open to him too

I’m a firm believer in treating every child as an individual when it comes to their education, your DS should not suffer because his half siblings won’t get the same chance. Why would you willingly prevent his opportunities?

If it got nasty your ex could take you to court to assert his PRR regarding school choice.

Im 99% the court would side with him.

Denying him this then there’s a high chance <<he will resent you for the rest of his life.

Yeah I’d let him. His Dad probably feels it might be his way of making it up to him for leaving him when he was so young. If there is a bit of an age gap between him and your other children it also works in your favour. It’s not like sending one 11 year old to a great school and the 12 year old to the run down local comp.

I’d look to see if there’s a school that suits DS.

Blended families need to learn to negotiate children born into different opportunities living under the same roof. Swings and roundabouts, innit.

Slightly different situation, but DD1 was offered and accepted a bursary and scholarship to a private all girls school.

It did mean that although we did have a bit to pay (not very much) the school trips were completely out of the question, and she understood this.

However to redress the imbalance, we told the other younger siblings who were at state schools that they could go on any of the school trips. Unfortunately it ended up being Iceland for DS which was insanely expensive, and DD2 just got back from a ski trip to Italy.

But for the most part, it seemed like a good compromise, as it wasn't entirely about the money, but what would be fair.

It wouldn't be fair to prevent him from taking this opportunity because you've had more children with somebody else. It's his Dad's right to have a say about his education - and not only is he prepared to put his money where his mouth is, he's deferred to you to make the final decision. He's also, for all his loveliness and the great family life you've built for everybody, had to adapt to massive changes where he is not the sole focus.

Let him take it.

It sounds like a really difficult situation and your ex I assume also gets a say in it too.

However, in your circumstances, if the schools are OK to the extent you are happy for your younger children to go, then I would do everything you can to support the local schools and send all your children to them. Also enhance your child's education with extracurricular and tutors where you think helpful, as you have already described you do/would. This would by my preference in your circumstances for several reasons:
*the dilema you have described where one child had opportunities his siblings do not.
*the distance away from schools. I wouldn't want a 11/12/13 year old travelling so far to school or having to week board. I think being close to family and friends with a shorter commute has huge benefits.
*benefits from being educated in an more socially diverse environment, especially if your DC is bright and you are going to ensure he has a range of opportunities for activities and tutoring to stretch him anyway.

If it were not working out, you would then still have the option to send him in a few years time, when he might manage the commute better.

Would your ex be up for paying for university instead? Sounds like your son is thriving and might do well anywhere - and avoiding boarding would be a priority for me. That’s the part that would make me pause longer than the invented inequity between half siblings.

(I’m in Scotland too and my kids are s1 and p4 and I don’t think there will be free university for either of them looking at the state of the university where I work)