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Original poster

Y11 ds being so difficult

29 replies

Sotiredofnagging · 27/03/2025 08:55

Trying to get some perspective here... DS is cut from the 'bright but lazy' teenage boy cloth. He does have a mild LD, which has caused low self-esteem and makes him anxious. His recent mocks were pretty bad - failed maths and English which was a first. Literally wrote nothing in some papers. At parents' evening, all teachers said that the problem is less lack of subject knowledge (although I do think some revision would have helped...) but panicking in exams. Sensibly suggested past papers etc.

Have spent all week talking, negotiating, explaining to DS the importance of GCSEs (which he's fully aware of) and trying to agree some sort of light revision plan. All he needs to do is pass maths and English and do well enough in the subjects that he wants to do for BTech/'A' level (the latter he is just about) and job done. It is hard, hard work as ds's instinct is to say 'no'.

Getting him out of bed in the morning involves me nagging him. Getting him into bed at night involves me nagging him. Getting him to do any schoolwork involves me nagging him. Getting him to wear his glasses involves me nagging him. I have explained umpteen times that my preference would be not to be involved in any of these things - that he just get himself up and get to school on time, get into bed at night at a decent hour, do some school work etc. If he wants me to stop nagging, then go right ahead and sort yourself out and so on.

I know the theory of 'natural consequences' but at 15, I don't think it's acceptable to just leave him to stay in bed and not go to school or stay up until the early hours on a school night.

He has recently stopped playing computer games (he was only allowed Fortnight and I think he eventually realised that he was never going to be a YouTube sensation and that it's pretty boring). He spends a lot of time making electronic music and he could do a BTech in music production in sixth form. I was hoping that would be some sort of carrot to just get his head down for a few months.

Sorry this is long, but any thoughts/suggestions/similar experiences? I am so sick of nagging, but leaving him to his own devices just isn't an option. We've tried him setting an alarm (he doesn't), him getting himself into bed a X o'clock (he doesn't) so that he's more in control, but with no joy.

Thanks for reading this far!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sotiredofnagging · 27/03/2025 12:37

Thanks all and solidarity this difficult time. To do the sixth form courses that he wants, he needs a decent pass in the subjects he wants to do (one a BTech and one a GCSE, which is is likely to get) and English and Maths. He could do resists in sixth form, but obviously doesn't want to and there's absolutely no need. He passed English and maths comfortably in previous mocks.

I think if it was 'just' schoolwork, I'd feel more able to cope, it's all the other stuff - getting up, getting to bed and so on that makes life feel like a constant argument.

Not particularly bribeable tbh. I spent a lot of time with him at the weekend breaking subjects/topics down to make it all less overwhelming. I think this did help a bit. I also thinks he gets that one surefire way to feel anxious in exams is not knowing the material, the antedote being to do enough preparation so that you feel a bit on top of things.

Looking again at my first post, I think he's overwhelmed. I need to remember and keep reminding him that this will be all over in three months. But god, it's hard.

OP posts:
BirlinBrain · 27/03/2025 11:58

I’ve run out of ideas here, too, and resorted to bribery with Nat 5s only a few weeks away. (Scotland) It is absolutely nerve-racking, but nothing else has worked. She will make a slight effort if I sit with her and we talk our way through a question, but she will expend vast amounts of energy manipulating me and avoiding work. She doesn’t even care about the money she loses by not trying.

She’s currently under Camhs for ND assessment. Reading the school timetable for study leave reduced me to tears. Between now and the end of May there’s only two weeks of school. She refuses to comply with any of the resources the school has in place for revision.

Unfortunately, I think “natural consequences” is the only option now left to her. She may take a jump to herself between now and the end of May, and surprise us all. It’s all I can hope for atm.

Mischance · 27/03/2025 11:30

What is the minimum he needs to get for BTech in music tech? Suggest he just goes for that and let the rest go hang.

OhCrumbsWhereNow · 27/03/2025 11:24

How bribable is he?

I have a child with ADHD and dyslexia - so there are mitigating circumstances in many ways - but while she can be persuaded to revise, my feeling is that it is mainly performative rather than actually resulting in information going in.

I have resorted to tutors for some things - at least I know that she is focused at learning at that point.

A few things that I know she needs to do but it will be a battle, I have failed to find a tutor or they are all in excess of £100/hr.

So I am planning to "pay" her to study with me over Easter - with a range of rewards on offer depending on compliance and effort. I am dreading it, but I can't see an alternative.