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Original poster

HBS v DAO twin dilemma

170 replies

twindilemma82 · 08/02/2025 16:00

I am really struggling with secondary school choices for my twins.

Twin 1 is super academic, very quiet, lacks confidence but very driven. She hasn't had a good time in primary and really struggled to make friends. She was successful in the grammar school exams. She is desperate to go to HBS and I think it would suit her as she'd do well in a small academic environment without boys and where the girls are studious and unpretentious.

However currently we've listed DAO as first on both twins' CAF because of the sibling policy and because of the wide ranging extra curricular activities. Twin 1 is so desperate to go to HBS, she talks of nothing else. She's become miserable about her future and generally anxious. She's written me long word documents on the subject of HBS. She doesn't understand why she worked so hard for the exam if she doesn't get to go to the school she wants. She did work extremely hard.

Her sister is less academic (she chose not to sit the eleven plus). She is very sociable and extremely kind. She is still academic and will do well if pushed. Her self esteem has been knocked by her sister's progress. She never does better than her sister in tests and is always comparing herself (even though I try to avoid this). She wants to go to DAO because of the extra curricular activities and its music offer. She does see the benefits of not being with her sister (and so going to a different school) but prefers to go to the better school.

If I switch the application preferences, twin 1 is likely to get into HBS. It's possible that twin 2 will get into another school that we like but it's also possible that she won't. The other school that we like is fine with great facilities but it doesn't compare to DAO in terms of results or extra curricular offer. If she doesn't get that school, then we are very much stuck!

It feels like there's no right answer and no matter what we do, we are letting one twin down. Any advice ?

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 08/02/2025 18:44

Twin 1 shouldn’t miss out on HBD so Twin 2 can ride her coat tails into DAO.

Bluntly, you’re expecting Twin 1 to make a huge sacrifice for Twin 2.

Original poster
twindilemma82 · 08/02/2025 18:34

So I didn't really use twin 1 to get them both into DAO. I actually thought it was an amazing school (and thought it was unlikely that she'd get into HBS). Just having second thoughts in last few months because she is so absolutely determined that HBS is best for her and won't change her mind. I also am persuaded by the argument that she'd find it easier to make friends.

I'm not sure that it would be acceptable to accept DAO for twin 2 and HBS for twin 1, given that for twin 2 it'd be a sibling place.

OP posts:
Truetoself · 08/02/2025 18:18

You have been grossly unfair by twin 1 and she may rightly hold it against you

Treat them as individuals

Firenze12 · 08/02/2025 18:12

Could you wait for admissions day. Accept DAO for both and then ask go go on the waiting list for HBS for twin 1?

Patagonianpenguin · 08/02/2025 17:50

There will be lots of other, very similar girls to your daughter at HBS and she will probably be happy socially (although it's extremely academic which does bring some of its own problems).

I think if twins have very different academic profiles it is probably better for them to go to different schools. I actually know a couple of pairs of adult twins who have been compared their entire lives, and it has really affected the one who perceives themself to be the "less" successful ever years later.

Glitterbaby17 · 08/02/2025 17:41

From what you've said of twin 1 they may actually do better socially at HBS and find there are more girls they have things in common with. If you switched preferences would they both get DAO on offer day, twin 2 could keep then twin 1 hopefully get HBS off waitlist?

orangeblosssom · 08/02/2025 17:35

I think HBS for twin 1 as she worked so hard and wrote a letter about it.

Araminta1003 · 08/02/2025 17:29

OK so you used Twin 1s academic prowess to get both of them into DAO and now you feel guilty? Because you are forcing Twin 1 to give up her HBS dream just to get her sister into DAO?
Does DAO not have a grammar stream as well? Are you sure HBS will actually be better for Twin 1 long term? Usually they mostly prefer less pressure and coed at Sixth Form. Could you go see DAO again with Twin 1?
I do agree though that Twin 1 should get the choice.

Original poster
twindilemma82 · 08/02/2025 17:07

Barnet and HBS said that twin 1 very likely to get a place from waiting list so even though it would be a late application, she'd likely to get in.

So if we switch preferences now, the switch would be deemed a late application but the original application would still be treated as in time. Therefore likely to get offered DAO on offer day (which we'd accept), but twin 1 would get a later waiting list offer from HBS.

Twin 2 didn't sit any eleven plus exam so would not get into DAO through an appeal.

Although HBS might be stressful I think twin 1 would probably thrive there. She loved the 'stress' and work of eleven plus.

OP posts:
Ubertomusic · 08/02/2025 17:01

If Twin1 struggled to make friends in primary and lacks confidence, are you sure she won't struggle at HBS? It can be rather intense, competitive and stressful there.

northlondon19 · 08/02/2025 16:58

If twin 2 didn't sit the 11+ what school would she go to? Allocation day is in a 3/4 weeks so I wonder if you can accept DAO for twin 2 and reject it for twin 1 selecting to wait for HBS. You would then go on the HBS waiting list - it is a gamble but there is usually movement and if her score is high she would get the top spot on the waiting list??? Just an idea.

Glitterbaby17 · 08/02/2025 16:49

It sounds like you’ve really put twin 1 second here - using her 11+ result to get twin 2 into her preferred school, when twin 1 would have chosen HBS. You’ve left it until it’s too late to change preferences to ask this so twin 2 will probably still get her way. I’d call the council and ask best way forward for twin 1- can you alter her preference at this stage or at least waitlist her for HBS?

lunar1 · 08/02/2025 16:39

Why did you have your daughter sit the 11+ if you weren't going to let her go? That's a crazy amount of effort to not let her apply.

PatriciaHolm · 08/02/2025 16:35

You can't switch now though - if you do, both applications will be treated as late, and processed after all other applications, so you are very unlikely to get either school.

Assuming you are in Barnet, you change now, you won't get a school until they do the second round of allocations at the end of March.

cestlavielife · 08/02/2025 16:31

Let them go to the school they want

househelp12345 · 08/02/2025 16:30

I'd check with your admissions authority. If twin 1 passed HBS, it would be a shame not to let her go (although I think the only way you find out about HBS R2 is by being offered a place so it may not be clear if she would have passed or not),

househelp12345 · 08/02/2025 16:27

Is this for 2025 entry? Wouldn't it be too late to switch preferences now and list HBS as 1st choice for Twin 1?

TeaandHobnobs · 08/02/2025 16:11

I think you should treat them as you would children of different sexes (as PP said) or if they were different ages, and apply for HBS for Twin1 and wherever is appropriate for Twin2. I think it is very unfair on Twin1 to essentially use her as a ticket for Twin2, particularly when she has made it so clear how she feels about going to HBS.

MumonabikeE5 · 08/02/2025 16:10

If you had twins of different sexes and they each wanted to go to a single sex school you probably would agree to them going to separate schools.
would it not be reasonable therefore to send each child to their preferred school if they got a place.

GretchenWienersHair · 08/02/2025 16:03

Do you mean Twin1 passed the exam for DAO but Twin2 didn’t, but will get in because of the sibling policy? This is a really tough situation as you wouldn’t want Twin1 to miss out on her dream school. Could you chance an appeals process for DAO?