HBS v DAO twin dilemma

Although I don’t like the idea of unfairness between twins, I personally prefer DAO over HBS. My daughter passed HBS Round 1, but we chose not to apply due to concerns about a lack of diversity.
If OP can help Twin 1 see DAO vs. HBS from a broader perspective—rather than focusing solely on the fairness aspect, which might cloud her judgment—and also teach Twin 2 to appreciate and show gratitude to her sister (since her sister’s effort is a huge favour to her), you might be able to achieve a win-win situation.

live within 3 miles & passing round 1 will guarantee a place for HBS

@twindilemma82 Sorry if I've missed the answer to this but how do you know that Twin1 has definitely got a placed at HBS? Is it based on her mark in the exam?

Only you can really know how seriously not letting Twin1 go to HBS will affect her and only you know how Twin2 will feel if she ends up not at DAO.

It it were for my daughters, I would big up the DAO to them both and feel happy that they are on track (offer day pending) to get into what appears to be a really excellent school. For me, I think that giving them an equal shot at a good education would be my priority.

BUT if you do change it and Twin1 goes to HBS and Twin2 ends up somewhere different them I'm pretty sure that the 'somewhere different' will work out really well and its up to you to make sure she feels that way. You said Twin2 is sociable, kind and compares herself negatively to her sister. Maybe being in a more comprehensive environment would help her thrive? As a pp said, fairly sure the other schools in that area do well too...

It's the other way around in life though - nurses do much harder work than bankers but they are not rewarded more.

The choice made (where Twin 2 effortlessly gets into DAO using Twin1's hard work and the sibling link) essentially teaches two young kids that it is better to take the easy route than to work hard. That is not a lesson I want to pass on to my children. I always show them that hard work leads to success.
There are elements of luck and other factors beyond our control, but hard work should be rewarded - not the other way around.

I guess twin 2 is the more socially charming one and OP may have an unconscious bias.

i think the fact that T1 wants to be separated is the most important aspect here. She doesn’t want to go to a school with her twin, she’s worked really hard to make sure that happens.

Is the school T2 may get really all
that bad, or just very different from DAO and HBS? Maybe it will be fine, maybe it will be better than fine. Plenty of North London kids don’t go to DAO or HBS and no one suggests they’ve been let down.

would you start a new thread asking for feedback on the other schools?

If you switched Twin 1's preferences around now, putting HBS ahead of DAO, would she then be considered a late applicant at both HBS and DAO? Would that mean that she would be allocated her 3rd choice, at best, on 3rd March? And you'd put her onto the waiting lists for both HBS and DAO at that point?

If so, those assurances about the HBS place had better be rock solid!

It is likely to be too late to change preferences before 1 March. The allocation system is extremely complicated and there is a cut off date. In my LA it was three weeks ago. It will be on the LA website - probably under 'School admission (2025 coordinated secondary admissions' which includes all the dates.

It is a good point @househelp12345 - because changing Twin 1’s preferences before national offer day is not changing Twin 2’s original preferences so they cannot really treat Twin 2 as “late” applicant. Their original preferences should hopefully stand they just will not qualify as a sibling anymore at DAO. It is just quite late in the day and the OP really needs to investigate properly so no mistakes are made.

@twindilemma82 do check with your admissions authority. For my authority, I think you'd need to change Twin 1's choices before offer day. Otherwise Twin 2 will end up down the list on her second choice as on offer day the school would have allocated their PAN already to other applicants.

If I understand how the system works correctly if you withdraw DAO as choice 1 for Twin 1 before national offer day, Twin 2 won't be disadvantaged for her second choice. She simply won't get DAO as there's no longer a sibling preference there. So she'd be as likely to get her second choice as she would if you'd initially put it number 1. Maybe others can say if that's right

I think the problem with ASD in girls as what DAO offers for SEN won't necessarily address twin 1s feeling that the environment at DAO suits her less than HBS as a single sex, small school with more like minded peers. She's highly academic so SEN offerings like small groups probably aren't what she needs so much as a smaller (and possibly regimented) environment and better chance of finding 'her tribe'.

Forcing her to go to DAO as not letting twin 2 go there could have long term academic consequences doesn't mean it won't have long term consequences for her if she ends up very unhappy there.

You are really between a rock and a hard place. It sounds like the school / council have been very honest re the likelihood of twin 1 getting into HBS if you change preferences now - maybe you can try and get a similar feel for twin 2s choices 2 and 3?

Really difficult situation... Sounds like she wants HBS for social reasons mostly, and it's not the best school for socialising really... but she wouldn't understand these nuances.

Also sounds like she might have SEN - "struggled to make friends", "miserable", "desperate", "generally anxious", "overwhelmed", "doesn't understand", very rigid ideas etc. If she doesn't have a diagnosis yet, she might need one in a couple of years. I'm a neuroscientist and I'd look into this if I were you.

I'd ring DAO tomorrow and ask them what they can do for SEN, can they place them in small groups etc, then factor this info into your decision. And research twin 2 option 3 ASAP - it's not the end of the world if teaching is not great, you could supplement some subjects with tutors, it's not ideal and would require twin 2 to sacrifice her after school time and she will resent it, but I'd be more worried if there are safety concerns or really chaotic and disruptive environment at school option 3. If this is the case, I wouldn't risk it as it would mean screwing twin 2 for life.

Are you absolutely certain you won't get DAO on what I presume is distance criteria? There was a fall in birth rates after 2012, so offer distances are increasing.

What was last years Last distance, and what are you?

My LA allows us to join as many waiting lists after 4 March as we like even for schools lower down on the list or that we did not apply for, so OP can try that for Twin 2, put Twin 1 on the HBS waiting list and see what happens and what is offered. If her LA allows that.

Reading back through OP’s posts, I wonder if you were banking on being able to accept DAO for both kids, then later swap twin 1 to HBS but retain the DAO place for twin 2. Looking at their website, that definitely isn’t possible.

So you’ve got a choice between a good school for both, or letting twin1 have her preference (which is based on factors she could well be wrong about) and twin 2 could end up somewhere awful.

If you had asked this question in October then the answer may well have been HBS for twin 1 and then you’d have had more scope for twin 2, but since you didn’t do that then, I really don’t think you can back out of it now as the consequences for twin2 of ending up at the local sink school would be worse than for twin1 going to DAO which is an excellent school albeit not her first choice as a 10 yo.

OP you really need to apologise for (a) making the choice you did back in October and then (b) letting twin1 think in the interim that there was a chance of swapping. She should have been told it was decision made and that’s that, instead of having this potential change hanging over you all for months when it really isn’t realistic.

@twindilemma82 - Twin1 is sounding increasingly like one of mine with ASD and if that is a possibility, because we obviously do not have a lot of facts, then I think I would do HBS for them but no idea what you would then do with Twin 2. I guess you will have to wait and ring around and see which other schools may have places after initial allocation.

So you've made the decision? It's DAO?
Despite the fact the child who's effort to pass the test doesn't want to go there? 'Tough, it's better for your sister there'?
What'll you do if she's absolutely miserable and hates it, as she has said?

I think it was the first time that it was something that was so obviously unfair and that she was really bothered about.

There used to be a lot of complaints at primary school about who got which role in the school play but dd always got the “role” that she wanted. (At the back of the group dance, no lines, no one looking at her - she isn’t a performer!)

She’d occasionally comment about the unfairness of dojos and who got them when but she was never all that bothered.

But this was something that she really wanted to be selected for.

I think seeing favouritism at school is common and most kids will have experienced it , it’s a bit different when it’s within your family and a lot harder to just ignore , you only have to read some of the threads on here to see that .