Daughter hating year 7

I second this, my daughter loves her school now but she struggled that first year until roughly around Easter. It's all a big change but just comfort her, listen to her and try to keep her spirits up

Much empathy OP!

It's so painful knowing what to do in this position. The two Secondary schools I know well were/are very strict on year 7 - from what I understand this is so the children get into good habits to allow the group to learn in a calm environment. Nobody wants their kids in a classroom where the teacher is just doing crowd control.

I think if it was your first choice and she has good friends I would stick at it and maybe support her learning and work on her resilience. She may find by year 8 things have settled, she's grown in confidence and the work is engaging her more.

My experience is that we get a limited view from our kids, it's important but it's often not the whole picture.

Sometimes people move their kids and it's worse - the fact that it's a solid school and she has friends is so important.

I have recently joined the PTA at DD's secondary and it's a huge revelation. You see the school from a different aspect. You can ask advice from parents of older kids. You can (in moderation) ask advice from teachers who are more 'off duty' and are so appreciative of parental support.

My s moved my niece from a great school to a less ideal school because she missed her friends and my niece still slightly regrets it. She says she'd rather have better exam results.

I think sometimes we have to accept our kids will struggle sometimes but that doesn't mean we necessarily need to change their environment.

Having a good bunch of friends is good dust archer age.

But I know it's hell when we feel our kids are not thriving. Sometimes though we need maybe to learn not to always intervene. But this is just my experience - it may not be of use to you.

But try to have a low key pastoral appointment if you can. Approaching the school in a positive way. I always ask for 'advice' when I have an issue.

All the best

The posts about dd practicing harder at netball are just ridiculous. These are y7 girls who just want some sport. Most schools can rotate teams when too many volunteer. How can a child do extra netball sessions to improve? It’s much better to have a sport for all mentality in a school and keep all dc interested.

Whilst there is a logic to Year 7 being given a fair degree of strictness to get them to adapt to the rules and ways of secondary - this school sounds to be one of those which is OTT strict. If it were me, I would discuss the option of moving and if my child agreed, start the ball rolling looking into other schools. I am not at all keen on all girls schools in general, but if that was the only alternative, I would consider it in this sort of situation. Best of luck.

In my opinion (as a teacher), you need to go above the form tutor. Most form tutors will be "just" classroom teachers, and we don't get much of a say in the behaviour policy and can even be put under pressure if we don't enforce it. The form tutor also can't comment on what happens in individual lessons- that isn't their place.

A lot of MATs have gone down this route, because having cookie cutter lessons, and a strict behaviour policy with no deviations supports having more inexperienced, cheaper staff. Also, having strict rules around equipment means the school doesn't have to supply pens/rulers/pencils etc- which often get lost/broken. I'm not supporting these policies, but they will have come from way higher than the form tutor.

I would definitely speak to the head of year, or even the member of SLT responsible for behaviour, rather than the form tutor. If your daughter is afraid of her HoY, that really isn't good, and it would actually be good for them to know this, so they can try and form that relationship instead.

I'd definitely look around other schools, but you may find a lot of them are similar, especially if they are run by the same MAT. If you can find a local school with spaces that isn't like this, then I'd definitely seriously consider moving. The school is, unfortunately, very likely to change.

I would take her to the girls school for a look see. I'm presuming it's a smaller one.

I would have wilted under such a strict regime. It's very draconian to a naturally well behaved child .

Yes which is what we should be teaching our children not resilience at all costs

the OP really needs a frank chat with her daughter and then raise what is needed at to help

Bennett Memorial School is like this and it’s so miserable for the majority of the pupils. I think it’s worse for concientious children as they waste so much energy worrying about making a mistake. I would look at other schools before anxiety develops - from friends’ experiences, once school anxiety has developed, it’s extremely difficult to get back to normal.

This is why I sent my DD to a private secondary (and now live on the breadline to afford it thanks to all those who cheered in the VAT). Had I not, she would now have not been in school at all and would no doubt have not achieved her potential in life. She is a good girl, scared of getting into trouble, does well with her work.

she now goes to a school where every teacher knows every pupil. They know the ones that piss around and need a stricter approach. They are careful with children like my DD. If anyone forgets a book, there’s just a reminder. If they keep doing it then yes there is a punishment. The week before she started, the head of SEN contacted me to put in place support strategies around her (undiagnosed) anxiety. She has a special eraser she can put on her desk if she is feeling anxious so the teacher knows. They are so kind to her.

Each year group has their own physical house on site where they go before/after school, breaks and lunch. Every house has a housemistress, a deputy and matron who look after them like parents. Any sadness, worry, illness is dealt with. Bullying is stopped in its tracked as the school can expel without answering to anyone. It has been the making of my daughter and, rather than making her have no resilience, it’s actually increased it as it’s increased her confidence. So it’s rubbish that children have to live in fear to get resilience.

I’m just sad this isn’t the norm for every child.

Most secondary schools are strict and yes will give out detentions for forgetting books etc. It's to make the students to start take responsibility for themselves. Secondary school is vastly different to junior school in that respect. I don't think moving schools is the answer, she will find this level of strictness at most secondary schools. Junior school is different with discipline, teachers tend to still have the 'nicey nicey' approach. Secondary school is not like that, so yes students will be told off in a harsher way than Junior school. It's a learning curve, and some children find it much harder than others, to adapt. In order to help your daughter, you are going to need to speak to the school. I would suggest probably having a chat with the pastoral care team. Your daughter is only a few months into Year 7, and is struggling to settle. It's not uncommon and the Pastoral care team will have seen this before. Ultimately, your daughter is going to have to get used to the different ways secondary schools work. Keeping her off school, is definitely not the way to go. She'll never settle then, and you'll end up with bigger problems. A friend of mine, her son took over 6 months before he started to settle, and probably closer to the school year before he felt more at ease at his secondary school.

This would also be my advice. Generally speaking, if someone hates their school, their feelings won't really change and a fresh start would be better.
I also think it's under-recognised how often a toxic school experience is a cause of PTSD.
If you loathe your school it is basically like prison: You're stuck there with the guards and other inmates, none of your choosing, and you can't escape.

I agree about finding some lunch clubs or something fun to do at break. I know a lot of schools really encourage the Y7s to do this. Our DC says their lunch break activity is their favourite thing about school (and they’d probably hate school without it)! It also sounds like maybe your DD's been stuck with her old primary school friends and hasn’t branched out much yet, and maybe there's some friction as they are all starting to drift apart (mid-Y7 is probably a normal time for this to happen). Not having the support and camaraderie of good friends can make everything else seem worse.

Again, it depends why you are playing netball. If you are playing because you enjoy it, regardless of skill. Then that's the best reason. If you're doing it to get on a team, then that's fine, but don't feel disappointed/angry/what's the point. It's okay to say "not for me" and accept that with grace.

@fanaticalfairy words like strop and quitting are exactly the problem that forcing the idea of resilience creates.

The ability to recognise that actually no amount of practice or drills is going to get me the skill set I need (and here let’s assume it isn’t laziness which is a separate issue) and Netball isn’t for me. It’s not quitting or throwing a strop is maturely understanding that unlike in primary there are many other better netball players. Instead maybe another club would be better suited

learning when to let go and when to push is key to be successful in life not pushing through at all costs because stopping is seen as quitting/failing or being stroppy

My DS struggled with secondary transition although I think things deteriorated much quicker with him - by the end of October he was having frequent panic attacks and his attendance had dropped to about 60%. He’s now yr 10 and he’s (mostly) fine.

Things that helped

• finding lunchtime clubs so that he could meet new people, have something to look forward to and have a calm place to eat away from the noise and chaos of the canteen
• meeting the head of year with us to talk about things that might help (he hated going but she had some good suggestions, eg taking control of his own morning routine (before school) by getting a sunlight alarm clock and listening quietly to podcasts on his headphones)
• getting a ‘negative’ and realising that the world didn’t end
• input from a private therapist and later from a CAMHs inreach team who taught him how to deal with anxiety
• keeping weekends quiet and restful
• time

I really hope things change for your daughter. My advice would definitely be to contact the school and don’t delay reaching out to the GP if things get worse.

Because, are you playing netball to be in a team, or are you playing netball because you enjoy it?

If you want to be in the team and aren't selected, you can strop and quit, or you can say "okay, I'll work a bit harder and see next time" and maybe practice drills 2-3 times a week .

I think it's more what being put in detention represents when you've always been a good student that doesn't really get into trouble. In hindsight I wish I'd had more of this attitude when I was at school.

I think it's also made out to be something quite shameful, that probably goes right over the heads of the students that don't give a shit and behave badly but does affect the quiet well behaved ones who forget their ruler or don't realise their shirt is untucked.

It's not " Suck it up".

It's maybe don't expect to be on teams just because you go to every practice. Put some extra work in.

Don't expect to get 100% on a test. If too many people are getting 100% the test is too easy, and you don't know what you need to work on , or your strengths. You need to stretch your self by getting questions you can't answer. So you can identify gaps in knowledge, focus on them as well as learn how to fail, pick yourself up and go again. Resilience.

We can't all be on the netball team, and we can't all get 100%.

I certainly wasn't living in fear of a detention.

What happens in a detention that she is 'living in fear' of getting one? In my school days, detentions meant sitting in a room after school, supervised by a teacher. 'Living in fear' seems a somewhat disproportionate reaction to a short period of boredom and inconvenience, so what on earth is happening in detentions at her school?

@Mischance All the information is coming from the child. As a parent and having worked in a school some children misinterpret situations because they are children. I would want to hear the school's side of what is going on. Year 7 parent's evening for us was just a meeting with their form teacher in October talking about their organisation, management of homework, general behaviour in class and attitude to learning. We did not see the teachers until June. As a parent I would want to talk to their form teacher at the very least to get school's side of it. We had a tick box in the planner that we could tick to request a call home and this would happen within 48 hours of ticking the box.

We could email pastoral or head of year depending on what we wanted to talk about and our emails could be forwarded to the teacher by the school. It meant we had communication with the school. All we have with OP is are you going to calm down the heavy handed discipline request to the form teacher. That isn't addressing the other issues of why the child is upset. Teachers telling off a class shows that a class is not behaving, children not doing what they should be doing or doing something they shouldn't be doing. No teacher wants to be yelling at a class. Tone is often mistaken for yelling by children.

The problem in some secondary schools is that you do not have to misbehave to get disciplined/punished .... you just have to be a fallible human being. What lesson is this for our children?

I think there is a massive shock from children in primary when if you misbehave in class you might miss 5 minutes of your playtime to secondary where if you misbehave in class there are more severe consequences. Even for the well behaved children to witness this they are shocked.

I am surprised at detentions though, usually there are negative comments in their planner and repeated offences then become a detention. Does her planner not lay out their rules and discipline?

To avoid forgetting compulsory equipment such as rulers they should just have a school pencil case that lives in their bag and have a supply at home to use. Mine had 2 pencil cases, one with all the compulsory stuff, a second with spares plus lesser used items like a compass, coloured pencils etc.

I would contact her form teacher to talk about how she is feeling. The discipline needs to be in place to enable teachers to actually teach.

Before considering moving her I would at least make her do the new school run on the weekend, get up and out the door to be at the bus stop to catch the same bus, get on it and travel to the new school. Just so she is aware of the potential travelling time and what bus to get should hers not turn up at either end.

I would try to make this school work first and her banning you talking to her form teacher would have me worried that all the information you are getting back is her perspective on it all. You only contacted her form teacher about the "heavy" discipline. I went to a school that had uniform inspections before we entered the school building, 4 teachers, 2 on either side of the single file line as we slowly walked in. It isn't new.

My DD is out the other side now (at 6th form) and has talked to me about this. She thinks it was right for her to stay. Pastoral support was good though.
Quite a few kids swap schools in year 7 to one which is a better fit for them.
It's hard sometimes as a parent to know which is the right direction but you know her the best.

@Mischance I totally agree with you. One thing school can do is allow dc to be themselves. Obviously correcting very poor behaviour, but not drumming the personality out of dc. There is always a need for young people to develop a sense of belonging, a sense of fairness and also critical thinking. That doesn’t involve slavishly following crude rules that are poorly devised and are applied in a draconian way. It’s awful prep for working and thinking as an individual. It’s failing lots of dc who think more deeply about their lives. It’s also an issue for employers as young dc tend to sit back and not engage for fear of being wrong.

Most dc don’t expect to be top in everything but dc do need support to improve and be able to approach staff. Where there’s fear and avoidance of staff, improving is more difficult than it needs to be. It’s all very sad.