Solely state educated to selective 13+ boarding school - is it worth it

He’s happy at his state secondary but feels he’d do do much better both academically and sporting at private school.

There are many secondary state schools that have elaborate after school sport offer: clubs and squads. If you look at the Sports Day results in your county you may be surprised and find that the top winners in competitions, are not more private than state schools.

I assume you will tell him he has been offered a place whether or not you decide to let him accept it.

What an exciting opportunity, @TJW13 and congratulations to your DS- it speaks well of his maturity and motivation that he has pursued it to its conclusion- a great life lesson in making his own luck.

I have two sons in a 'big name' public school, all boys, full boarding. It is true that there are eye-watering levels of privilege if you look for it. But it isn't universal and I really don't think it defines the boys' experience of their school. Teenage boys do need something at school that gives them standing amongst their peers- and sports scholars have this ready-made. It will be much more relevant to his fitting-in than probably any other factor, especially if he is seen as a good team mate. They will be more interested in what clubs he played for than which school he came from.

Coming to a full-bore boarding environment as a day pupil might be more complex to navigate, but I would expect the school to have day boys pretty well integrated so it's just the sleeping arrangements that will be different. You can probably find ways to turn it to his advantage. Boarding school kids do a lot of house-visiting in the holidays and it's nice to be able to reciprocate. Because of where you live you can get to his matches and take him and his friends out for tea afterward, or maybe offer Saturday night supper to his friends, which would be very popular as a break from school catering.

It looks to me as if this opportunity is really important to your DS, and since you did not nip it in the bud, he has earned the right now to pursue it. You can afford it and your fees are as good as anyone else's. So the only thing holding him back would be your fear he would not fit in. Just let him do it!

My two went from state primary to public school secondary on reduced fees and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Their experience has been absolutely wonderful throughout. Incredible extra curricular provision, lovely atmosphere and community, and just all round brilliant. They're very lucky.

He made it and wanted it so I think too late to back out? He would surely be very disappointed? Sounds like he would make the most of it- although would have been fine staying where he is too.
Top boarding schools can offer a huge plethora of opportunity and a very broad range of experiences to those children willing to engage in the opportunities. Will you be able to afford the sports trip to eg South Africa and Barbados?

In all top private schools, there are always plenty of teachers’ children who won’t be super rich either. And there will always be lots of middle class kids too, children of eg engineers/actuaries/accountants/lawyers and doctors. There will also likely be some very rich kids too. It’s how the school handle the latter. At the top schools, they are treated like everyone else and it’s one reason very rich or famous people send their kids there in the first place aka some grounding via eg room sharing/normalish food/duties like everyone else.

I went from a state to a very selective private secondary aged 11, and honestly it was wonderful.
I was on a full bursary as my parents weren’t rich at all (refugees in fact), but it opened my eyes…
I made some lifelong friends from all backgrounds.

What I loved was the small classes, well-behaved kids (no bullying), everyone wanted to learn and the teachers treated us like adults (in terms of intellect). It didn’t have borders and wasn’t particularly sporty like yours but the facilities were amazing.

I am always grateful to have experienced both state and private education, this sounds like a unique opportunity and he won’t look back.

My son was in the exactly the same situation one year ago. But coming all the way from independent prep school not state but that didn’t make a difference.

I think I know the school but won’t name.

Think about the hours. They are long. Very long. How close do you live from the school days are exceptionally long as driving can wear you out too. Is your child super sociable? Being only 20% of day pupils they are going to have to be super confident or able to chat. That was my biggest issue always feeling missing out and not gelling with the majority of other children,

The joys of Saturday school before sport - does your child want to do it. That’s the main question. Also, does the school do your favourite sports - some footy / rugby / hockey are they specialising in your child’s favourite sport.

Once you get into the school the league of good sports players everyone seems very average 🤣 as everyone is quite amazing.

Also this is a life style change especially if not boarding and no daily buses.

Do you want the hassle as a parent who is always going to have to pick them up / drop off

However if it’s the same school there is more flex on boarding / flex than that initially first stated when they knew we were potentially pulling out,

Suppose you have to decide what will be the school your child will be attending and how much flex do you have for drops / pick ups etc

Also, we knew my son would probably feel left out and we would have to accept board. We knew that but didn’t necessarily want that.

Luckily we managed to secure another independent senior manager school at the last minute

Good luck

Id absolutely let him go. Fantastic opportunity. There'll be a wider range of income/ wealth at the school than you think and the majority of kids don't give a jot who's got the most money. Any that do, simply aren't worth bothering about.

I’d go for it. After all if he hates it, he can go back to a state school. It is an opportunity that might be amazing for him. You can’t protect your DC from everything that might go wrong, just be a safety net in case it does.

Also, getting used to very wealthy peers is good practice for Oxbridge ;)

Same here for both our DC.
The families at our school are farmers, Teachers, Lawyers, Doctors and Business people though and its not a top Public school or anything.
Both fitted in seamlessly

My DD moved from state primary to independent secondary. Whilst there are plenty of very wealthy families, who have educated privately all the way through, I don't think DD particularly minds. She has something that some of those kids don't appear to - an understanding of her privileged.

It depends. If it is Millfield which is for sporty but does not have particularly bright children and he might otherwise get into a very academic state grammar school then that is one thing. If it is sink comp or a private school with better A level grades I would take the private schools. I don't think my private school educated children (day schools, fairly academic ones) would ever have made anything of someone's background as lots of children are on bursaries and plenty of children have parents who are not particularly well off but put a lot into paying fees. I don't know how the 20% increase Labour is imposing on fees in January will affect you (VAT) but hopefully the legal challenge to that will be won.

@MigAndMog

know kids who were successful in a competitive 11+ exam and parents still decided not to send them

So why did they send them to take an exam at all?
It sounds to me like the acceptance to Notre Dame Uni from this movie

Fantastic - congratulations to your ds. There will be other kids on bursaries and scholarships and they all wear the same uniforms. Sporty kids make lots of friends on sports teams. It’s a great opportunity (I say that as someone whose ds got a music scholarship to one of these schools at 13+)

My DC is on specialist provision in PS and we are low middle class, I wouldn't be able to afford full fees. We've never felt "less than" and I guess those selected on talent rarely do. They are focusing on their specialism anyway so have little time for anything else. This may depend on the school though, ours is very mixed and I'd say middle class rather than "rich".

I’d imagine most schools will have a real mix of families attending. Some people might well be very wealthy, a majority will be comfortably off and some will be less wealthy. That’s just life isn’t it and your son shouldn’t let this put him off. If it’s a good school it shouldn’t ever be an issue, they wouldn’t let it be one.

I went to state school, I have never once felt judged. There is such a wide variety of families attending, the children don’t ever mention parental income. If I honestly gave you a list of parental occupations I think you’d be surprised (I can do this if that would be helpful)

Did you pick up on any snobbery when you visited? Do you know anyone who is there who had problems or could advise?

Is it a big name school? I’m wondering if you’re looking at Millfield for example. If you felt comfortable naming the school perhaps local parents could provide more reassurance?

Has he attended any taster days? You can also ask the school to put you in touch with a current family who attends.
Has your son met the coach for his sport? How long has the coach been affiliated with the school? Does your son know any of the current his sport youngsters?
Are there obvious academic advantages?
If your only reservation is social, I’d put hearsay aside and allow him to attend.
How difficult would it be to return to his state school if your child was unhappy?

If you are new to the private schooling sector then I assume you will have read at least of the extensive coverage about the upcoming application of VAT to the fees. That coverage would have provided plenty of insight from existing parents pointing out that the overwhelming majority of private school families are normal, hard-working, like yourself, and by no means 'wealthy' to the extent to make any other child 'stick out' and make you worry about it.

Do you have any other children who would have to miss out on things for you to pay the fees? If not I’d let him go, it sounds like a fantastic opportunity.

Re: "he will feel less than the more wealthy children" . We all have to get to grips with the fact that some people are much wealthier than we are, and also that some will have worked for it, and others had it handed to them. It's not a reason to not go there. My children have been at school with a wide range of kids. some very ordinary backgrounds, occasional very wealthy ones. It has never, to my knowledge, been an issue among their peers beyond the occasional comment e.g. that someone has new car or is going to some long-haul destination.
I don't personally think the culture of boarding schools is very healthy but he wouldn't be boarding so if you can afford it, and think it's a good fit for him, I don't see why you wouldn't send him

My son did the same and went to a private school in year 10. It was a fantastic decision and he is thriving. He stays till 9.30pm each night (day boy at boarding school) and he loves it.

The school contains a mix of very wealth and more "normal" pupils so he doesn't stick out.

If it's just the "less than" thing that worries you I don't think that is a big enough reason not to do it.

I was a full scholarship kid at a public school. My own children go to state school and that was an active, positive choice for us, but the reasons have nothing to do with being the poor kid.