School constantly asking daughter questions

Although, horrible experience for your daughter…it does indicate that they are looking out for any problems children might be facing. Which is a good sign for school. I would assume that someone (friend, teacher,…) has raised a concern and they are following up on it. Probably could have been dealt in a better way. The best way forward would be to write a mail to school asking them about what’s happening and schedule a meeting if necessary.
There are lot of children with not good environment at home sadly, so the questioning is to safeguard the child really.
Please also talk about how your daughter felt stressed. I am sure that wasn’t their intention.

Someone has obviously raised a concern. I'd be wanting to know why. I wouldn't be angry with the school. If something was seriously wrong, then you be complaining that the school did nothing.

Accused? I really do think you need to calm down in this one. I doubt they accused her.

but establish the facts before you complain. You don’t come across as rational her and that will not help you discuss this in a calm way with the school.

Have you spoken to the school yet @Tc4rt3r1983?

Plenty of teenage girls are thin and of a small build. If schools questioned them all, they'd never have time for anything else. I think you need to try to look objectively at your DD. Does she look slim or does she actually look underweight? Has she lost weight? Does she look tired or lethargic? Is she withdrawn? Try to look at the whole picture

When DC do have eating disorders, they tend to go to extreme lengths to hide them from their families. It wouldn’t be unusual for their friends or their peer group to be the first to notice a problem and go to a teacher for help. I guarantee that your DD won’t be the first child they’ve had to talk to. Your DD is fine and that’s great but if they don’t ask questions some of the DC that aren’t fine will miss out on help.

Governors won’t even look at this if you haven’t followed schools complaint policy.

It’s the school’s job to look out for children. If someone reports that your DD isn’t eating and appears to be very thin or that she’s throwing up, the school is obliged to check she’s ok. That involves asking her questions to get a better picture of what’s going on. Think about what they asked for a minute. What does she eat - is she avoiding food. Would she eat a hot dinner now if she was given it now for free - is it that she is hungry but doesn’t have the money for lunch? What does she do after school - is she eating well after school? Is she bingeing? Is she unsupervised? Who does she talk to - is someone buying her takeaway straight after school? They’re checking on her welfare.

Most teenagers hate being questioned by adults like this and are likely to find it invasive even if it’s done perfectly. If she already distrusts the team and is more self conscious than your average teen, she’s going to find it stressful. It still has to be done.

You think a school would never have a pastoral care discussion with a teen who was overweight or smelly?
They absolutely would. Not in a ´you’re slightly overweight and we think you should eat less’ context, but absolutely if a student had clearly gained a massive amount of weight in a short space of time - the talk would not necessarily be about their weight but more about whether anything was bothering them and if everything was ok at home. Likewise any student at any weight who had been exhibiting worrying eating habit - like seemingly never eating at school or bingeing or any evidence of purging - might be called in for a chat.
A student who’s uniform is always a bit grubby on a Friday but clean on Monday would be left alone, likewise a kid who’s uniform smelt a bit after PE classes, but a child who’s appearance suggests they may have been made homeless and not have access to washing facilities or similar home issues would absolutely be asked if everything was ok.

They are doing their job. If she appears underweight and they may notice her, not eating etc during school time.

Be thankful they are looking out for her

I was about to say they wouldn’t say it to a child on the other end of the weight spectrum.

Ive been the girl accused of having an eating disorder repeatedly growing up just because I am naturally slim. It’s really upsetting and soul destroying when it isn’t true because it makes you feel self-conscious for no good reason and you begin to hate your body. You can’t change your shape even if you wanted to when you are naturally slim like you daughter.

So, I stick to my first comment - I would be raging at the school about this.

I actually had a teacher tale me to one side about my weight at a similar age. Saying he felt I was too thin and did I have a ED.

I didn't I was just really slim. But when I stayed overnight on a school trip and he watched me eat all my food and then praised me it put me off eating in front of him again.

If she has always been naturally slim teachers really need to be careful about not causing body issues by commenting. It became just as bad for me as if they were commenting on me being overweight.

Also agree that in safeguarding training you are advised to never ask leading questions if you have concerns. You really need to find out what has gone on here.

I am surprised you react like that. If they are asking her questions it means that she is very skinny. And thank God that the schools are interested. I will never ever forget the case of a boy whose mother was saying that he has food allergy and they boy died of malnutrition. His mum went to prison and didn't live there long.

If a school became concerned with her weight they will notify you soon but they also are responsible to investigate.

What shocks me is that you are more concerned with her being " bullied" because they ask these questions rather than observing her weight

Shouldn't she have a proper lunch,given her age?

Someone has expressed concern.
Any number of reasons.
a) they think she's too skinny & are worried about eating disorder
b) they've seen her food refuse or visit loo after eating too often
c) a pal of hers has expressed concern
d) a fat idiot member of staff can't bear the idea that skinny people exist.

If you know your daughter to be well & healthy deal with the asshole
But I wouldn't go in all guns blazing st first

She's right though. Zero nutrition - just carbs.

At work we have named this year 'The Year of the Complaining Parents'. We've had record numbers of complaints from parents this year, some are entirely reasonable, we do our best, but I am under no illusion that we get it right every time. However most are because we issued disciplines in line with our behaviour policy (that students sign at the start of the course and parents have a copy on on the online portal) for various things such as not attending lessons (without valid reasons), vaping on campus, going home without following proper procedures thus posing a safeguarding risk, swanning in late to EVERY session (even after breaks so public transport cannot be blamed).

Some parents are never happy, their children can do no wrong, we can do no right. It's really hard to do our jobs well and prepare our students for the reality of the working world when any consequences we try to put in place are swept aside by parents. Some of these young people are going to get a nasty shock when they finally have to go out into the real world.

This is not necessarily aimed at the OP, however when meeting parents, so often the version they have of what is happening in college is so far removed from reality. If they'd simply spoken with us (so very many never answer or return our calls, emails and letters when we try to contact them to put things right before it gets as far as a discipline), things could have been ironed out with much less fuss and stress all round. It's sucking the joy out of my job at the moment. I'm desperate for the Christmas break to spend some time only worrying about my own DC.

This absolutely sounds like someone is trying to probe in response to a concern raised, so use that to set the tone for how you handle it with both the school and your DD. Tell your DD that it sounds like they just want to make sure everything is ok, but that sometimes people can ask questions or say things with the best of intentions and still be utterly clumsy with it or say something that makes us feel lousy. Tell her she doesn't look unhealthy but that natural builds vary so widely especially in teens that a healthy weight for her may be a sign of disordered eating in a classmate, and one of the most important ways adults try to tell the difference is asking questions. The way they went about it was just poorly executed. Tell her you're going to email the school to find out more and let them know she was upset by how this was handled, and offer to let her read the email first.

Then email the person who spoke to her and either the head of year or head of pastoral and tell them that DD came home upset because she felt like her answers weren't being believed, she felt blndsided, and because didn't understand why she was being asked and if it related to her appearance. Acknowledge that you and DD have talked about how these questions are well-meaning but that DD was distressed by how it was handled. Ask for them to help DD (and you) understand what this was about and say you'd like any additional concerns they want to talk to DD about addressed in a meeting so that DD can have support with her if she wants.

At that age one of my friends was "bothered by the school" about her eating. Her parents and her were most indignant at the questioning.

As far as we could tell she ate pretty well. She often ate more than me at lunch, and she denied any suggestions she was looking thin.

Eventually school called in social services and she was immediately hospitalised with anorexia. She weighed less than 7 stone and was 5'8 at that point.

She managed to get through this and has had no problems for years.

Another of my friends wasn't so lucky. She started anorexia in her 20s, and resisted any medical help, and her mum defended her. She never totally managed to get out of undereating. She died a few years ago from an illness than no one in their 30s should have died from, but she was weakened from having anorexia.

My dd had an issue with eating lunches at school. She refused to take them and was bringing them home as they were packed. I started thinking eating disorder or some such, but she hated the canteen to eat as it was noisy. It was an uphill struggle getting her to eat, but I made sure she went to school with a good breakfast and she wasn’t eating rubbish when she came home and had a hearty dinner. After about 6 months she relented and decided she wanted to try the canteen. There are some days she doesn’t take anything in or go to the canteen but I’m not making an issue of it.
Not sure dragging your dd out of lessons helps at all. My dds tutor spoke with her and we moved on. I’m just assuming a comment was once made to dd about her packed lunch and that set her back.
Tomorrow she’s doing a choir day and needs a packed lunch and snacks, so that’s what she wants. I’m not battling this and making an issue of it.

The trouble is that plenty of parents will say 'Oh, she's constantly eating' when they haven't seen the easily portable food items folded up and stuffed in a pocket to be disposed of later or the quick visit to the bathroom with the tap running to hide the sounds, especially when there's just a small snack (which could well be given to somebody else) at lunchtime and then a tiny meal in the evening because it's cooked by somebody who eats tiny meals. They also tend not to notice subtle changes and weight loss over time because they see their child every day, rather than somebody who knows them but sees them every couple of weeks or so in completely different situations and up against other children of the same height.

Kids will also talk amongst themselves and sometimes you'll find out only when one child discloses 'competitive' or group disordered eating that there are actually 3-4 others who are acting the same way but have been more successful in concealing it. Even extremely gentle investigating can see those in tears and trying to get parents to back them up, not because they're fine but because they are in the grip of an ED and want their parent to say 'no, of course she eats tons, she's always eating' so they can continue.

It's also very possible to notice trends in behaviour, such as wanting to go to the toilet during lesson time straight after lunch, being seen sitting with nothing whilst friends eat or even being heard throwing up on more than one occasion when walking past on a corridor patrol.

Of course, defending in innocence is better than the laughter from a parent at the thought that her 'fat' child could possibly have an ED - she was admitted to hospital shortly afterwards. And I took no pleasure in witnessing the shape a leg can go when it breaks from malnutrition when that parent could no longer say 'Oh, no, we're just naturally small' for another kid. Quite pleased with the child who we called an ambulance for, knowing that the parent would say she just needed a snack because she didn't eat that much that turned out to have undiagnosed T1 Diabetes, though, as a) they didn't die and b) she looked much healthier and happier once on medication.

They're concerned about her health and wellbeing, not doing it deliberately to make her cry and you to feel like they're indirectly picking on you.

I was also in floods of tears and felt like I was being asked millions of questions when the school accused me of being bulimic as i thought i would get in trouble. I was bulimic. You need to talk to the school and find out what is going on