DS failed 11+ very upset, angry and sad

I don't know why you got him a tutor for 18 months if you didn't think he'd pass it. That doesn't seem like it was the right decision for anyone involved tbh.

The very act of having a tutor for that specific reason is of course going to make him aware of the expectations on him.

I know you're upset now but would see this as a blessing in disguise - you know now that there may be some issues with your child's learning style and can do something about it.

As someone who failed the 11+ myself I would make every effort to minimize this. I carried it around for years as a "failure" and took it to mean I was stupid. I got my A levels and a degree from a RG and then 2 more degrees thereafter. Please don't let him think he can't succeed because of this one test.

Did your own future get decided at 11?

Thankfully nothing is set in stone at that age. It only means that that school isn't suitable for him.

Tutoring can't cover everything in an hour a week to get a pupil into grammar school. There is maths, English comprehension, spelling, vocabulary, grammar, verbal reasoning, non verbal reasoning, exam technique. It's very unpredictable as well. If only the top 10% get in, does it mean that 90% of tutors are scammers?

I think you should tell him tomorrow morning. But tell him a score higher than it was so as not to crush him. Tell him you are proud of him then take him out for a treat.

I would be cross with the tutor for not saying something sooner. But that’s fine now. Definitely get him assessed by a decent Ed psych if you can afford it.

If you think he’s going to be crushed then your bright and breezy about the test clearly hasn’t been bright and breezy enough.

Out of 4 DC’s I had one refuse to sit it, 1 who passed and 2 who didn’t mean the entry requirements for the grammar school. The 2 that didn’t meet requirements merely shrugged it off as a nothing ventured nothing gained kind of thing. Purely because we’d spent months telling them that it really didn’t matter to us either way.

I would be wary of just private diagnoses as some GPs don’t recognise it and it could cause him problems later. Get him on the NHS pathway too. The school also may be reluctant if they haven’t seen any behaviour.

Whats he like at home? Have you seen any linked behaviours at all? Masking at school is one thing but masking at home is surprising.

As a pp said, as someone who also went to grammar school but only just managed to get in, trust me it is a blessing in disguise. It does no good for your self esteem when you're surrounded by people much smarter than you yet having to work much harder than everyone else.
Please don't see it as wasted effort, he's much better prepared for secondary school now. He will be ok!

He didn’t ‘blow’ anything. He didn’t get the required mark in an exam which assesses children in a very narrow way.

Tell him the reality which is that the top "x" number of people get the grammar place, and unfortunately, he wasn't in the top "x" number. Don't use the word "fail". It's just a numbers game. Make him think that on a different day with a different cohort, he may have been in the top "x" number. Definitely don't give him the score! When my DS did it, scores weren't given out at all, nor were the words "fail/pass" used. Throughout the process, the school made it clear that it was a matter of limited places and the "most suitable" pupils would be offered those limited places. Change the narrative to make it sound better than just saying "you failed, you only got 40%"!

She might have misjudged (or she might not - he could have been doing better in practice papers at home) but it hardly constitutes a scam.

You’ve missed the point. You don’t need to go to a grammar school to attain outstanding academic achievements. And what‘s more the 11+ is a bad way of selecting those who are suitable for grammar school.

What a horrible phrase ‘failed the 11+’! He didn’t fail anything. Okay he wasn’t in the top percentile for this year in an academic test. It doesn’t mean he’s not intelligent or indeed less intelligent than the the kids who got in.

What a horrible system.

Academic excellence only matters (in most cases) when accompanied with softer skills such as communication, being personable and confidence. Thats one of the additional benefits of private / grammar schools.

But the crucial element is softer skills, not education to have a great well paid career. So focus on the softer skills.

I think that's unfair statement, my two go to grammar and doing very well as pupil premium students. They have ambitious friends around them and pushed academically.

Anyone would think they wouldn't want poor students getting a good education for free. If they scrapped private schools as well as grammar, I would understand but why scrap grammars when there is a two tier system for the most privileged.

Actually Boris wanted to bring them back for good reason ... to help those who can't afford private schools to get a better education.

But, I'm derailing, OP I'm sure your son will do very well at comp rather then be in a school wete you would always be playing catch up.

My DD didn't pass the grammar test either. She's very bright and we had done some prep (decent amount from Y4) but it wasn't enough to get into the super selective. She missed out on the cut off by 2 marks.

Before we even got the results we booked a holiday and told her it was a reward for her hard work and efforts.

She was initially disappointed but cheered up when she realised her little sisters would be able to go to the same secondary sch as her (they are not as academic as her).

We had already visited other schools and we'd found some she liked. She also found out most of her friends didn't pass it, they're all bright and prepped too! Only one of them did.

It all worked out well as her secondary school is walking distance and her best friends go there. She's very happy.

I would tell him sooner rather than later and then try and have a few treats based on how hard he worked, because hard work is what pays off in life.
I wouldn’t mention marks at all, just say he wasn’t in this years highest scoring group so didn’t get a place.
If you really don’t like the alternative school, move house to somewhere with a comprehensive system.

Our secondary school doesn’t set until year 9 for maths and English. I think children can pick up on parents expectations. It’s great they put in all that work with the tutoring but most children who needed that much tutoring to get into grammar school for the 11plus test that we know struggled so much once there, and in fact one got removed in the first term as the school wasn’t the right fit, the child was very unhappy and caused the, so much anxiety with all the extra homework, it stole the joy from their free time, they might actually be better confidence wise in a less pressured environment. I don’t see the 11 plus as a failure and a lot of parents buy into that pressure hence the market for tuition.

Please please please tell him you are proud of him, it doesn’t matter a jot, you know he tried his best and that’s all he could do.

After a year of tutoring I also failed the 11+. I was devastated as were my parents and they didn’t hide it from me at all. I was then paraded around other selective schools to do their entry tests and also failed those. So I just went to the normal comp up the road.

i thrived. I got 11 GCSEs A*-B. I did 5 A levels and got into a Russell group university. Im
now earning a 6 figure salary.

i have never felt good enough for my parents and firmly believe that the 11+ was where it all started.

I’m sure you won’t make the same mistakes but just sharing my experience to let you know how formative the whole experience was for me and my relationship with my parents.

By the time he's started at high school, he won't even give it a second thought. Just congratulate him for trying but I know kids that pass and still struggle with the workload in grammar school.

He can still be successful in comp.

I passed the 11 plus back in the day when everyone took it , I went to grammar school and my life was hell, I really struggled with many of the subjects (apart from English where I was top or near the top of my year every year so I guess that is why I passed in the first place), I think grammar school scarred me for life, have always struggled with feelings of inadequacy and inferiority due to not being the "all rounder" pupil that grammar schools are looking for. I hope your son goes to a great secondary school where they foster his talents and his self belief.

lol..yes she should throw her son to the wolves at 10, rather than tell him an immaterial white lie, then delete the score email.

How come the difficulties were ignored/went unnoticed for 6 years in primary?

The 11+ has been abolished in most of the country for good reason.

My DC failed the 11+ too. I was expecting them to pass easily, but they were way off the 11+ pass mark. I have no idea why this happened but it seemed extremely unfair at the time.

DC has just graduated from one of the word's best unis with a 1st. GCSE and A Level results were in the same vein.

I would say to your DS that you are very proud of him and everything he does - because of [some examples of good things he has done]. Tell him that no matter what type of school you go to, the world is still your oyster.