DS failed 11+ very upset, angry and sad

We used to live on the border of two different local authority areas and one of my kids sat the 11+ for an area we didn't quite live in, while we also looked at the local comps closer to home. He passed and would have been eligible for a place at a very sought-after super-selective grammar, but when I compared the results at GCSE between that and the local comp (and various other markers) the local comp was just as good and in fact a little bit better. Considering the grammar was creaming off the top 20% of kids at 11 and the local comp had a high proportion of SEN kids (as it had a special unit) it became clear to me at that point that grammars are basically a scam - a middle class fetish that actually adds no value at all, while positively discriminating against kids with any kind of additional needs.

I think your DS will do better and be happier at a non-selective school and will probably get better support with any additional needs he turns out to have. I would talk to his primary's senco and press for assessments, but they will probably be more switched on, and better placed to follow through, at secondary. I think you need to find ways to spin this as a blessing in disguise to your DS, and agree with pp who say tell him tomorrow so he has time to adjust before school on Monday. Do you have mum friends you can talk to so you have some idea of who did get into the grammar, so you can prepare him?

And yes, I would want to know why this the first you're hearing of additional needs from the tutor (assuming it is).

Schools got so hooked up on phonics that they spawned a whole generation of children who could decode like crazy but couldn’t understand what they’re reading now its coming home to roost.

It’s not a white lie if he finds out the truth at some point. If that happens he’ll want to know why OP lied to him.

Or there is the possibility he does not understand a text because he lacks the knowledge to do so. This is why a knowledge rich curriculum is so important. Reading is decoding + comprehension, and comprehension relies a great deal on our knowledge, not just what words mean, but cultural, historical facts etc. Maybe look at school curriculum as well as think about SEN.

Your son sounds like my daughter. I assumed she was the least clever of my children. During lockdown I discovered she was reading slower than her sister who is 3.5 years younger.

After heated discussions with senco, my daughter has been diagnosed with dyslexia and a processing disorder, I feel her primary school failed her, probably because she was quiet and hardworking, and just got on with it.

Explore the options available to you

You realise that there are only 163 Grammar schools in England ,are you insinuating, kids can't do well if they don't go to Grammar schools?

He’ll be fine. This is why I hate the 11+. There are loads of examples of people who do amazingly well having not passed the test on that one day. Play it right down, celebrate the fact he did it (don’t share the score). My friends daughter failed it and is thriving!

Most of his friends wouldn't have passed. Tell him Saturday morning and then take him to cinema/icecream/bowling to take his mind off things. We all had to to deal with disappointments in life. This too shall pass

My two son' s both failed the 11+ but did well at GCSE's so it isn't the end of the world. One son has finished Uni and did a degree in computing and the other is doing A levels. I would not panic and see how he does in Secondary, all is not lost and many kids do well at the non-grammars.

Actually I feel glad my son wasn't sent to an all male grammar school as he was friends with a lot of girls as well as boys and it suited him more.
There was a choice of secondary options in my area and the one my oldest son went to was a comprehensive and the other son went to a church school which was the better of the two.

Praise the effort, he did his best and he will be going to a school which is a good fit for him.

I would be bloody livid with the tutor. They should have given you clear feedback over 18 months as to his progress. I live in a grammar school area. Many DC start tutoring but some choose to stop after the first mock around 4 months in. In my experience, the good tutors are honest with how they think the DC will do in the exam and if they will fit in at grammar.

Same for me. Bright at primary, passed the 11+, went to grammar but always one of the lower performers in the class. Did well in my GCSEs and A levels but nowhere near the grades most of the others did. It’s a horrible feeling, effort and behaviour was not rewarded, it was all about academic achievement and if you were not a flyer you were invisible.

Your son would not have thrived there, disappointing as it is, it’s good that he hasn’t passed.

It’s such a toxic system. Time to abolish all grammar schools. They are no longer fit for purpose, ie giving opportunities to bright working class kids. They have become bastions of middle class privilege.

Sorry, shit high schools. My point still stands. And I very clearly said I was against the 11+ system. Just it’s not the parents’ fault, if you happen to live in a grammar school area and the non-selective options are dreadful. I’m also well aware what good comps can achieve. I’m a teacher who’s worked in some excellent comps.

Try not to think of it as the end of the world.
Not everyone is academic and that is ok!!
Focus on his positives. Focus on the things he enjoys, his passions and hobbies.
Be supportive and understanding but also really exaggerate how proud you are of him.

Not all children are academic. Instead of worrying about what he has not achieved in exams concentrate on what he has achieved in other areas. My son was kept back a year at school early on, he hated school and exams and now runs his own very successful business. My other children were not particularly academic either and all have very good jobs and have grown into the most amazing adults who I am incredilbly proud of. Please do not ruin his self esteem by using the word failed.

👏👏

Why would a parent pay for a tutor knowing the outcome wouldn't be positive?

If there was a need for all round help with English why not go down this route?
I don't understand this.

It must be so hard right now but I’d see all the tutoring and his hard work as a huge positive for secondary and also try and get his assessed. Maybe with some help he will be better off in the top of secondary than struggling in a grammar. It’s hard right now but some positives may come out of it so I’d really try and frame it that way when you talk to him.

I'd be angry with tutors that took your money while presumably knowing that your son was not capable of passing the exam.
I'd be glad that he hadn't just scraped a pass, because grammar school would be awful for him if he isn't naturally blessed academically.
Your son worked really hard; working hard trumps natural ability a lot of the time in life. He won't be a doctor or barrister, but in most careers mega-brains are not the deciding factor, it's how hard you work.

Too much pressure at a young age. The school clearly would t have been right for him. Tell him you are proud , give him a big hug and move on. Perhaps explore dyslexia as a diagnosis . One of my friends is a surgeon and failed his 11 plus so in the end it means nothing .

Why are you annoyed at how poorly he did? Annoyed with him? The tutor? The system? That seems unfair, though I do some tutoring myself (very p/t year 5/6 teacher) and I'm always honest with parents. I tutor to build confidence.

He'll be fine but your attitude will play a big part in it.

Grammar schools really aren't the best fit for everyone.

Well I only knew one school, the one I went to, and it was horrifc to experience as a kid but the stats were good, they churned out kids with high scores (but ✨not me✨) but there has to be another way to assess kids. Exams are rubbish, there’s too much pressure and not all children who are capable do well in exams because that’s not how they perform best. Others will have tutors like the OPs son just to pass the exam and then not be able to cope with the schooling. It’s an outdated system - although I confess I don’t have an alternative suggestion

I'd agree, if the local comps weren't so friggin appalling.

I posted earlier that this was me. I still feel shame about it all now, still feel
like the black sheep of the family, the let down. I certainly haven’t been as successful as you! Well done for all your achievements.
It’s wild how much it can have on you. I really think it should be banned, kids are too young to have to deal with that.