DS failed 11+ very upset, angry and sad

We're not all suited to the same things or are destined to follow the same path as our friends - that's a really hard lesson to learn and of course your son will be disappointed.

I agree with others, just say his mark wasn't high enough. Let him be sad for a bit, but big up the other options. Tell him you're proud of him for working so hard - nothing ventured and all that.

To be honest, he's dodged a bullet. If he was working that intensely, scraping through and securing a place would have been disastrous for him and far worse in the long run. At least you've gained an inkling that he might be struggling, which his school seem to have missed.

Did the tutor test him before he started ? The best ones test the kids so that they can keep up their reputation of how many kids they tutored made it into grammar.

Your son’s score may not have been high enough to pass but remember that he was competing against the most academic kids - kids who are average/below average are unlikely to have taken the test and if they did then the lowest mark would have been much lower.

Praise his effort and let him know that he’ll do fab at another school. There’s lots of new kids to make friends with.

I suspect that they send the results on a Friday so the kids who are upset don’t have to go to school the next day. I would personally tell him sooner rather than later to make Monday a little easier.

It’s for the best that he doesn’t go but I’d be annoyed with the tutor for not jetting you know how far off he was.
All you’ve done to support him will stand him in good stead. Don’t worry. The main thing is he’s happy and has friends. Both of those things are worth their weight in gold.

to who?

You need to stop being 'crushed'. You knew he was likely to fail and it isn't the end of the world. If when you tell him you are 'upset, angry and sad' then he will be very upset too. Just gently say 'I just saw your results and you got x'. Say it like it's no big deal. I assume he'll know that he didn't get in and you can take it from there. Tell him you're really proud that he worked really hard and went for it.

I would listen to the tutor, he definitely sounds like he could have processing difficulties due to dyslexia. It's not the sort of thing that is necessarily picked up in school so if you can afford to get him privately assessed I'd go for it.

To be honest, for the 11+ you need an 11+ tutor, not an English tutor. They are very different beasts because of the way the exams are (an English tutor would be beneficial for a private school entrance exam). That said, the tutor should have realised that and said something. It won’t have been a waste of time though. The way the 11+ tests English bears no resemblance whatsoever to the English taught in secondary school so he should be much better prepared for that. Don’t beat yourself up. Just tell him matter of factly that he didn’t manage a pass but you’re proud of him and then big up all the things he might like about whichever school he’s now likely to be going to.

He may be ok but don’t delay telling him, he may need time to process it. Give him a big hug and tell him you are proud of how much work and discipline he put in over the last year because really thats what gets people through life in general. This is one exam, it doesn’t dictate what he’s going to do in the future.

Also that teacher is taking the piss, if she thought he had a SEN she should have mentioned it ages ago. It’s unethical to keep taking your money if she knew he wasn’t going to pass. Personally as long as there is progress I would see that as a positive.

You need to big up the 'sorting hat' mentality. The test is to help find the best school for him, and in his case he will do better at the non selective option.

Big up the alternative and be breezy about it. 'School x is so much better for his favourite subject/hobby etc.'

Also less pressure, homework and more chill/gaming time! That will be the big sell to my DS if he doesn't pass next week.

When you tell him please please please do not use the word fail and phrase it in a way that shows that he did well!

If he does not know maybe he won't react as badly as you fear. Big up the schools you will apply for.

Seems like the tutor’s wasted your time and money. Make a complaint

That was my thought too.
I tutor children in English and Maths (I'm abroad so a different system of school entrance). I always tell the parents if I think the choice of school is unrealistic for the child after 3 or 4 weeks (to give them a chance to settle in with me). There's no way I'd tutor a child for 11+, pocket the money and then after they fail the exam say "Oh btw, he might have a learning difficulty"

I'd tell him that he didn't quite make it but that you are very proud of him for the effort he has made and that the work he has put in will help him in his new school. And then swiftly move onto talking up the positives of the school he will likely go to instead.

You can talk to the class teacher too and tell them what the English tutor said, but I do wonder if that's just her trying to cover her back so you don't complain about him failing.

I'm genuinely intrigued by what sort of disorders pps are imagining might be diagnosed before secondary. Where I am, the ADHD pathway has a 1.5 year waiting list for the initial consultation and diagnosis might follow 6 months later. Dyslexia screening, in my county and those neighbouring it, has only been available privately for over a decade. Schools might be able to test for 'at risk of dyslexia' or similar but that is all.

Remember “one of the lowest scores” is not at population level but of those that thought it was worth taking the test.

I’m a decent swimmer but would come last by miles in the Olympic 400m freestyle!

I will add that DB was not successful in the 11plus, he went to the local comp. The other 8 of us passed went to Grammar. He is the only one who went to Oxbridge, the only one with a degree and the only one with a PhD. He also has the highest income. So the 11plus really is a pile of shit when it comes to assessing academic ability. It is a blunt tool - a speed test. It is divisive and massively flawed.

I would have thought a tutors job is to deliver progress with the child, not guarantee an 11+ pass?

the OP had recognised that English was an area of underperformance for her child and the tutor was working on it. It sounds like the child tried hard and was making progress but wasn’t 11+ material

Don't tell him the score.
Just tell him that the test shows that the grammar is not the right school for him.
Praise him for trying but put it to one side and focus on what is happening next.
Exam practice and discipline to work and prepare is not wasted time.

If his score was significantly under what was expected, it may simply have been that he missed a question and got out of step on the answer sheet. Did the tutor think he had a decent chance of passing? What about his school teachers? At my daughter's school they arranged for CAT4 tests to give us an indication of whether a pass was likely.

He has not FAILED!!!! He has simply not scored high enough to be offered a place. It is a first past the post test, a mad scramble.
Parents who allow their child to invest in this nonsense need to ask themselves why? Do not sacrifice your sons happiness and confidence to some dick exam.
Tell him he has NOT FAILED. Tell him many of the most successful people do not pass the stupid 11plus. Ask him if he thinks its fair for there to be a 'better school' for some children. What about children who cannot afford tuition?

Be his mother, reassure him, tell him he is your golden boy and will always be the cleverest in the world to you, talk about his talents. Please for the love of god stop using the word FAIL about an 11 year old.

Is it definitely a case of pass or fail? Because where I live, no one fails the 11+ as such. They just don’t get a high enough mark to get into the grammar school. That mark varies from year to year, because they only have a certain number of places, so they take the top marks and offer them places. I’m wondering if your son actually needs to know how badly he did. Can you not just tell him he didn’t get quite enough.

Did you not do any timed practice papers with him at home, so you had an idea how he was performing in exam conditions?

11+ tutors often focus on exam technique, because that's what makes or breaks the test on the day.

If the tutor has just been working on improving your son's level of English, that's fabulous, think how far behind he'd be if he hadn't done all that extra work. He may not be suited to grammar school, but study like that is never wasted, it's important learning.

For the 11+ the tutor should have spent the bulk of the time on past papers and practicing the type of questions that could come up.

Does he need to know the score? I personally would avoid disclosing the actual score or make one up that’s higher but still not deemed selective.
Thank my lucky stars we aren’t in a fully grammar area. Couple of superselectives and some kids go to neighbouring areas. It is such a rubbish system.
For context, dd wasn’t “deemed selective” - sat grammar test in neighbouring area. Got 3 As and a B at A level. Stepmother failed her 11+. Oxford graduate.

Honestly I'd lie to him a little and tell him that while he failed his score was better than it actually was . I think you could destroy his confidence otherwise if you tell him how badly he did. That achieves nothing in my opinion
I'd also tell him sooner as I'm sure his friends will be talking about it over the weekend .

It sounds like grammar school wouldn’t be the best place for him. I’d tell him today though, not hold off until sunday. Why are you thinking of doing that?

The tutor sounds thoroughly unprofessional but there’s nothing you can do about that now. What you can do is book an appt with his current teacher and have an open and honest conversation about your concerns and the tutor’s comments.