DS failed 11+ very upset, angry and sad

One of my sons went to grammar school, with very little tuition, the other didn't even come close to passing even though he had more tuition. He was a "plodder" and ran out of time on a lot of questions. However the tuition he had had filled in the gaps of his knowledge of English and maths with the result that he excelled in his SATs, as they seemed easier! This gave him a lot of confidence and he flew at comprehensive school, and actually ended up doing even better than his brother in his A levels. He is now at a very good university studying maths. So there is definitely hope after failing the 11plus!

The other schools aren't comps, because the highest attainers have been creamed off for grammar schools. Comprehensive schools have children of all abilities, including the very brightest, and those children are able to achieve great results, without having to be educated away from lower attaining children.

OP - I was your son.

I struggled when I failed my 11+ as I had super intelligent siblings and I thought I’d do well. I failed AND I went into low sets in high school. I was ashamed and embarrassed for ages. Still am really, the thicko of the family, the failure (although none of my family would ever say that). I actually had ADHD and the typical ADHD slide - does well in junior the it all gets worse as you get older.

But honestly, if he needed all that tutoring to get in then going into a grammar was likely not the best choice. It would have been hard. I would have concerns about the tutor as others have flagged - why hasn’t she mentioned this SEN stuff before? If he had passed would she have flagged it? Or is it an excuse for her own poor work? I masked at school often so I do get it, what is he like at home?

Make sure he knows you couldn’t give a flying fuck about the 11+. Make sure he knows you don’t care how well he does in exams. Let him all all the other amazing things about him, things that are more important in life.

I think they should cancel the 11+, it’s cruel on kids. Just fucking cruel.

You don’t ‘pass’ or ‘fail’ the 11+. The top xx get in. That’s it. So please don’t tell him he failed. TBH his tutor sounds pretty unscrupulous taking money for a child she knew wouldn’t reach the standard. Tell him how proud you are of him and how it doesn’t matter how he scored against others it’s the fact that he did his best that is awesome.

Hmmm..did he overachie or the rest of you underperform.

Just tell him he missed the priority score by 2 marks as you don't want it affecting his confidence.

My DS really struggled with comprehension, and took everything he read literally..I focused this exclusively for months and he got marginally better..now he's doing fine. So don't worry, at least not in year 6, I'm sure he'll be fine.

Tutor doesn't seem great, she should have picked this up, and given realistic feedback.

I’ve invested in ‘this nonsense’ because the alternative comps are utterly dreadful. Both with a progress 8 of over -1. I categorically don’t agree with the 11+ system but to criticise parents who don’t want to send their kids to a shit school seems a bit unfair.

Yes, the tutor sounds disingenuous taking your money when she knew he wouldn't pass and then 'diagnosing' him at the end.
It will matter little in the grand scale of things, he will do well with the work ethic that has been instilled in him.
No 11 year old is a failure.

He may well not take it that badly, particularly if you already have a plan for the school he can go to, which is one all his friends are likely to go to. I'd really focus on that and not get hung up on the marks etc. Our DS passed, but isn't wild at the idea of going to grammar school without his mates.

Have you spoken to the tutor? I agree they should have flagged after a few lessons.

I think you should be proud of his hard work. To keep trying at something you're struggling with is impressive. At 11 I'd only do things I was already good at.

Clearly grammar school isn't for him. But I know many kids who were successful at the comp I went to, including myself.

I think now is a time to look at what he is good at and focus on his strengths. If he can put that determination into something else I'm sure he'll be successful.

Btw though you say you always emphasised it wasn't important to pass. Your actions didn't say that - he's not stupid - he knows you spent a fortune on tutoring. So this probably needs a better narrative.

I would tell him he did really well after so much hard work but not quite good enough, and you don't think it's the best school for him anyway (really bigging up the next option.) Of course acknowledge that he might be hurt, but I think the less of a big deal you make of it the better (without minimizing his feelings.) Totally agree he did not fail at all!

And it wasn't wasted time or effort -- think of how much he has improved his brain with the studying! This is great practice for the hard work of secondary, and the process has also given you crucial info that will help him succeed.

I can't believe the amount of you saying that the tutor's in the wrong for 'taking the money when there was no chance of him passing.'

Some parents, including the OP by the sounds of it, might want to actually help their child to make progress, whether it results in a pass or not. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Especially in something as important as English language in an English speaking country. The tutor was probably hired for that reason and not specifically for the 11+? Continuing that tuition is probably worth considering, to help support him with secondary.

It’s not the tutor’s fault. To score one of the lowest marks is indicative of the fact he was highly unlikely to have had the ability in the first place. Also tutors are not responsible for how a child responds in a stressful exam situation, sometimes the best prepared kids have a bad exam for any number of reasons.

There is a specific learning difficulty related to dyslexia where children read fluently but fail to pick up meaning. They can really deceive a class teacher as their reading is so good. It's not a sign of a low IQ but a very specific difficulty where they are unable to make pictures in their head of what they are reading so then when they come to questions they are all over the place. If you were to ask them what was the main point of the passage they would say something totally obscure that was barely mentioned. I have worked for years with dyslexic kids and sometimes class teachers can disagree with me over their issues for a while as they are often very engaged in class and seem on top of it but then in exams the cracks show. Also to mention l have noticed dyslexic students are often extremely determined and work twice as hard as others in an effort to succeed. This is difficult to watch but this determination is a great character trait that stands to them for life.
I would be looking at getting a private dyslexia assessment.
Finally l am in lreland and your 11 + exam is a terrible thing to do to young kids. Hate it!

11+ is different to other school work or even sats and requires application of Year6 curriculum which he may not yet have covered, let alone grasped. So don't write his future off based on this. If his English skills were already behind entering was never likely to be a good confidence booster. A good tutor would have flagged any potential spld earlier though, it feels like an excuse now.

The parent knew and chose to continue

I guess it depends on the brief?
Get to 11+ standard
Or
Improve Englush comprehension skills.

Was the tuition specific to his development areas or just focussed on what is needed for the 11+?

its probably better to focus on the specific problem areas for him and see how that goes. A lot of time and effort has potentially been wasted on the wrong thing for him and he was unnecessarily put under pressure. It’s probably for the best that he didn’t get in, hopefully you can find a school that he can thrive in.

Yes but surely a decent tutor would do an inital assessment before taking a child on and would tell a parent if their child was unlikely to do well in the exam

this!
He doesn't need to know the exact score.

In our area only a very small percentage of the children who take the 11+ get into grammar school. Also. as pp have said, the 11+ is not an ideal exam.

He reads fluently, he works hard and diligently. Such very good qualities.
It sounds like he will do well at secondary school. It is not necessary to go to grammar school to get good A level results if that is what you are aiming for. But confidence helps a lot.
What are his other talents and interests? help him focus on that rather than verbal and non verbal reasoning.

What are his strengths as a young person ?

Sounds like it was known (maybe just not quite the extent) and they still put him through it

some of these tutors can hinder a child - tell him tomorrow tho. Children usually have a clear idea of where they stand

The tutor is not being helpful.
He didn't pass an exam, not the end of the world. It's clear he was doing his best. Her sole purpose is to help him pass that one exam so if things weren't right he should've been given extra hours or homework, and you should have been aware if he wasn't quite getting everything.

Make sure you don't show any disappointment to him, and just focus on getting him into a non selective school that seems the best for and that he likes the most. His entire academic career doesn't rest on that one test result.

He's clearly got a lot of support from you to succeed academically which is great. But some kids are smart in other ways and don't thrive in rigid exam and traditional academic set ups. Also that tutor did you bad.