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Original poster

Separated parents can’t agree on secondary school

81 replies

Rance105 · 11/10/2024 13:04

My partner’s eldest is due to start secondary school next year (2025) and applications are due in soon. He and his ex wife can’t agree on which school their son should attend.

DP wants him to go to a school within walking distance of us. It’s a great school and we actually moved to the area in order to make sure the kids would be in catchment.

His ex wants him to go to a secondary school which most of his friends will attend. She no longer lives in the area, and we’re also out of catchment. It’s historically been undersubscribed, I suspect because their results are so poor.

She says that it’s all about the child’s wishes and is dead set on that school being their first choice.

We disagree and believe that he’ll get a far better education at DP’s first choice of school. He wouldn’t be able to travel to the other school under his own steam when with us (50/50 custody, one week on, one week off) so it would logistically be a nightmare to get him there with three other children to consider. We also can’t see the logic of sending a child to school in a town where he no longer lives with either parent. He’s a nice kid and makes friends easily.

Neither side is backing down. My question is - what happens if it remains at a stalemate? What factors would a court take into account if it was to get that far? The child benefit is paid to her but is split 50/50 if that makes a difference. Any advice would be so appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rance105 · 11/10/2024 15:11

titchy · 11/10/2024 14:58

That’s what I’m really interested in getting to the bottom of, whether the quality of the school is a factor in how they decide

Given that there is no way you would get a court date before the application deadline, it's irrelevant how the court would decide. You've left it FAR too late now.

DP’s solicitor said that although there’s no way a court would hear the case before the application deadline, they’d be able to get a decision before he actually started at secondary school, which would then be upheld. I don’t really know how it works but would hate for it to get to court. And the problem is that you can’t even have make an informed decision about the schools until you’ve seen them, and those visits and open days have only just happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rance105 · 11/10/2024 15:06

CautiousLurker · 11/10/2024 14:58

If the school of the exP is a fair old walk and bus for DC, is she actually in the catchment area to get a place anyway? Just because his classmates are going, and are in catchment, doesn’t mean her postcode is - have you checked this and the likelihood of his getting in?

She’s not in catchment, she’s further away than we are. The only reason he might get a place is that the school is always undersubscribed and his current primary school is a feeder school.

OP posts:
titchy · 11/10/2024 14:58

That’s what I’m really interested in getting to the bottom of, whether the quality of the school is a factor in how they decide

Given that there is no way you would get a court date before the application deadline, it's irrelevant how the court would decide. You've left it FAR too late now.

CautiousLurker · 11/10/2024 14:58

If the school of the exP is a fair old walk and bus for DC, is she actually in the catchment area to get a place anyway? Just because his classmates are going, and are in catchment, doesn’t mean her postcode is - have you checked this and the likelihood of his getting in?

soupfiend · 11/10/2024 14:47

SurpriseTwinPregnancy · 11/10/2024 14:03

Are you potentially putting the logistical ease for you ahead of everything else? You mentioned the fact it was walking distance straight away. Could you have a bias towards this school for that alone, because it suits you and your kids, and that is why the ex doesn’t see it the same way?

OP has set out a number of advantages of the school and yet you make it all about her wanting an easy transport!

The school is better, the child makes friends easily and would therefore have friends, the child can be independent more easily and gt public transport to and from school, the child may not even continue to live where they are currently with mum as she rents

However, a court would pay great attention to the child's wishes, albeit they may change over time, he clearly liked both schools

DustyAmuseAlien · 11/10/2024 14:46

I think your DP's best tactic is to start negotiating now on how best to structure DSS's life if he goes to his mum's preferred school. The current 50:50 with 1 week with mum and 1 with dad won't work any more because the school isn't commutable from your home.

An arrangement of every other weekend (3 nights) with you plus one midweek night each week would be 5 nights per fortnight =36% of the time. If the proprtions are pretty much reversed during school holidays so that he's with you most of the time but with his mum every other weekend + one midweek night per fortnight (with some juggling when either of you wants to actually go away for a full week) that won't be quite 50:50 but more 45:55 - pretty close. If that works happily for all concerned then that's fine. If mum is going to kick up a fuss about any such change of arrangements then that helps with the schools decision as a school can be chosen which doesn't require a massive upheaval in contact arrangements

Original poster
Rance105 · 11/10/2024 14:37

DanielaDressen · 11/10/2024 14:27

I did have a friend in this position and the court sided with the mum/child. Dad had also said from a logistical pov the school they wanted was very difficult to get to. But court did not listen to this. In their case the school the mum/child wanted was the best school in town, not sure if that affected the court decision .

That’s what I’m really interested in getting to the bottom of, whether the quality of the school is a factor in how they decide. I can’t find any kind of answers online. I genuinely believe that he would be happier at the better school. He makes friends easily and they have fantastic facilities there. I completely get why he wants to go to a school where his friends will be, but it’s thinking of the long-term future. He also wants to eat McDonald’s every night, but that’s also not best for his long-term future 😂

OP posts:
Witsend101 · 11/10/2024 14:34

Do people really let their child choose a school based on where friends are going? They might not even be friends this time next year. If this wasn't a dispute between parents I don't think anyone would be advocating choosing the school further away. I think most people if they had the option would choose the closer 'better' school. The other school makes no logistical sense

DanielaDressen · 11/10/2024 14:27

I did have a friend in this position and the court sided with the mum/child. Dad had also said from a logistical pov the school they wanted was very difficult to get to. But court did not listen to this. In their case the school the mum/child wanted was the best school in town, not sure if that affected the court decision .

DanielaDressen · 11/10/2024 14:25

if he goes to the school you’re not keen on can he physically get there on his own….how long a walk/bike ride/bus journey is it? Because if you have yo7 her kids and can’t Take him just tell him and his mother that. That on the weeks he’s at yours he has to make his own way to school. 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Rance105 · 11/10/2024 14:24

DustyAmuseAlien · 11/10/2024 14:20

Given that the child benefit is paid to her, ot is irrelevant how good the school close to your home is. The child will not be eligible for is as the mum's home address must be used and her address will not be in catchment/will be too far away when distance is used as a tiebreaker. This won't matter for the school she wants if it's undersubscribed.

That’s not the case in the area we live. Where parents share custody 50/50 you can apply from either address according to our local council. But the problem is that they can’t agree.

OP posts:
DustyAmuseAlien · 11/10/2024 14:20

Given that the child benefit is paid to her, ot is irrelevant how good the school close to your home is. The child will not be eligible for is as the mum's home address must be used and her address will not be in catchment/will be too far away when distance is used as a tiebreaker. This won't matter for the school she wants if it's undersubscribed.

NerrSnerr · 11/10/2024 14:13

I think you have to go by the child's wishes on this one. Is there any way he could get to the school by himself? A couple of busses etc? Or maybe the 50-50 altered so you do Friday to Monday?

AnnaMagnani · 11/10/2024 14:12

Has he tried doing the commute to both schools?

Does he realise it's the difference between a short walk and a giant trek on his own?

If he's just gone by car this may not yet be very meaningful to him.

Original poster
Rance105 · 11/10/2024 14:08

SheilaFentiman · 11/10/2024 14:06

If the exW hadn’t moved and therefore DSS was still at primary with the friends all going to this school, would you feel differently?

He is still at that primary school with his friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rance105 · 11/10/2024 14:07

SurpriseTwinPregnancy · 11/10/2024 14:03

Are you potentially putting the logistical ease for you ahead of everything else? You mentioned the fact it was walking distance straight away. Could you have a bias towards this school for that alone, because it suits you and your kids, and that is why the ex doesn’t see it the same way?

Honestly, we moved to the area so that we would be in catchment. The fact that it’s a great school is the main driver in all of this. So yes logistically it would be great, but for us it’s about the standard of education he would get.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 11/10/2024 14:06

If the exW hadn’t moved and therefore DSS was still at primary with the friends all going to this school, would you feel differently?

Original poster
Rance105 · 11/10/2024 14:05

Notreat · 11/10/2024 13:52

What does the child want to do? And has he visited both schools?
Have his parents spoken to him about each school and how he would travel to them.
If one school is in a town neither parents lives anymore have they considered how the application process will work and if you are eligible to apply for a school outside your LA

He’s visited both and liked both. He’s just very focused on being with his friends. I have a lot of sympathy for that, but he’s already making new friends locally in the few months we’ve lived here and he’d still be able to see his old friends even if he was to go to a different school to them. The school is in our LA, it’s just a bit of a trek and we’re out of catchment. If it was at capacity it wouldn’t even be a conversation, but because it’s undersubscribed there’s a good chance he’d get in. The thing is that it’s undersubscribed because people don’t want their children going there. Its reputation is really poor.

OP posts:
SurpriseTwinPregnancy · 11/10/2024 14:03

Are you potentially putting the logistical ease for you ahead of everything else? You mentioned the fact it was walking distance straight away. Could you have a bias towards this school for that alone, because it suits you and your kids, and that is why the ex doesn’t see it the same way?

Original poster
Rance105 · 11/10/2024 13:59

Livinghappy · 11/10/2024 13:42

Would the Ex be able to get dc to school from her home easily? What distances are involved?

Does she have other children or are the 3 other children yours?

If the dc is genuinely expressing a preference to attend a school with friends then it's understandable that she wants to support them.

Have you spoken to the dc, have they visited?

I'm 100% for a good education but equally I'm not sure you can force an 11year to go to a school of your choice.

Concern is that "neither party is backing down" which sounds as if it's more to do with winning - are both sides operating in good faith?

A poor school often gets great investment so don't write it off for that reason alone, keep an open mind.

It would actually be easier for her to get to the school near us. She’s moved away from where they were living. They have visited both schools and he liked both, but he’s just completely focused on the friends he’s made at primary. I get it, and would’ve felt the same at his age, but my DP and I genuinely believe that the other school would be a better fit for him and that he’d be happy there.

He’s making friends locally now, and I suspect that by the time he starts secondary school those friendships would be well established. It’s not just the educational side, it’s the behavioural stuff too. There are a lot of issues at the school he prefers.

They have one other child (younger) and I have two.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 11/10/2024 13:58

Do you want to stick with one week on and one week off in secondary school? That might be harder if he is starting eg scouts on a specific night near a specific parent.

SheilaFentiman · 11/10/2024 13:56

Do you have 50/50 care and where does the child stay on the majority of school nights

ETA sorry - you answered in the op!

SummerInSun · 11/10/2024 13:56

The DC needs to tour both schools. If one school is so much rougher and worse than the other one, maybe he'll see that for himself?

SheilaFentiman · 11/10/2024 13:55

“ would hope that if it came down to it, a court would take the educational side of it into account. The difference in results between the two schools is huge. But I can’t even work out if that’s even taken into consideration.”

I don’t think it would be, because the “official line” is that every school is good enough. After all, some children will be at the school you don’t like and have no real choice about it. The child’s wishes may carry some weight at this stage.

Original poster
Rance105 · 11/10/2024 13:53

TickingAlongNicely · 11/10/2024 13:41

Where does the son want to go?

He wants to go to the school his primary school friends will go to. He’s starting to make friends locally now, so I would hope that he would know a few kids in our area by the time he starts secondary 🤞it’s just not a good school. They have all sorts of behavioural issues, and their results are rock bottom.

OP posts: