Eton for one child, nowhere for another - what do you think?

I had a very similar situation with my two sons. The eldest went to a private school (not boarding) on a big bursary, the youngest went to the local comp. Both are doing great but I do worry that younger bro got a bit of a dent to his self esteem. They both know how much they are loved but teen boys are competitive and sibling rivalry is real.

We were told to get our kids into the nearby private school. To our surprise our really smart older child didn’t get offered a place but their little brother got a full ride scholarship. Even then though there were many costs that were hard for us. We had to pay $1,000 a year for school bus, and the uniform requirements were expensive and after two years he decided to just move back to local school as he didn’t fit in. Example - one kids birthday party was at their home which had a ballroom, indoor and outdoor swimming pools and a boat dock as well as a genuine massive chihuli chandelier worth easily $1 million hanging in their entrance hall. I didn’t mind the wealth gap but clearly it was tougher on my kid.

as for the fairness regarding siblings - the oldest tested into a gifted program that took the top students from surrounding schools and had a special school within a school just for them. They loved it and found it far more challenging than the private school option would have been - they took three years of science in one term for example which meant the fast pace could help them complete high school two years early. We ended up having to move away before completion, but it shows there are good options out there for all different siblings and they don’t require the same paths.

all three of my kids ended up in different high schools.

I very much disagree that ‘bright’ children will do well wherever. The environment is absolutely crucial and in my opinion so many state schools do not invest in trouble-free bright children who could really excel with investment. Bright does not always mean motivated or has the toolkit to really thrive. I say this as a parent and as a post 16 teacher of multiple decades.

My brother and I were entirely different. I was academically brilliant - ended up as an author. He was great at practical stuff, like building. The important thing is we loved each other (he died young, tragically). Maybe your less academic boy will understand and make alowances for his sibling's position.

IMO not a great plan, going to Eaton or similar when your child isn’t from a family with funds is hell , sent mine to a very expensive private school, I am well educated and considered to be
posh by my dear friends ( hate that term but know what I mean)
as we didn’t have the cash that other pupils had
and everything that goes with it
it was a struggle not being able to do the same things in the holidays and that’s just for starters
schools like Eaton are not just about the education, it’s life style who knows who etc
I regret sending my child , the education was good yes but the rest was hell tbh
think carefully and then threw a non private school sibling in the mix
start by looking at the huge cost of uniform
countless piles of games kit all compulsory then have a look at the school trips and the cost involved then there is the opt in or out ski trips on it goes good luck

But skiing trips and horse riding aren’t compulsory. I know any number of boys who’ve passed through five years of public school without doing either.

Uniforms can be bought second hand - and there’s no stigma attached to that.

I am aware that the very poorest families can be offered more than just the bare fees. In general, from what I’ve seen, not even those on 100% bursaries are expected to go without modest holidays, up to date technology, etc - because it’s obviously easiest if boys have some commonality of experience. But teens, on the whole, value each other for their individual qualities, not their parents’ bank accounts.

I wouldn't want a child at Eton unless we were very wealthy. It's not just about academics, there would be all kinds of uniforms to buy, expensive trips abroad etc.
Depending on where you live, City of London Boys' School gives full bursaries for the bright boys whose parents can't afford the fees.

I went to a private school (partial bursary) and my brother went to the local comp. I never felt I fitted in and all my friends lived miles away, which was really lonely, especially in the holidays. We had crap holidays and my parents struggled financially for years as they still had to stump up for school fees. My brother has always felt that there was a divide between us, even though he now has a better job than me. My kids go to state schools.

Don't split your boys up. They will profit more from each other more than any "connections".

I went to a well known public school and can vouch for the hidden costs which even a full scholarship do not prepare you for. The kit is much more extensive and often available from a school outfitters (ours was Harrods😱) plus there are very expensive trips ski trips, horse riding etc etc I know that all schools have some but the costs of these are more capped to be frank. I am not offering a view on whether or not you should consider the scholarship option but do consider the associated extras when weighing it all up.

Have you any idea how much time 21st century boarders spend at home, @BendingSpoons? It’s a lot. They’re rarely away for more than two (or at a stretch three) weeks at a time, and parents and siblings could be popping in to school every week if they chose to do so. It’s highly unlikely that any boy who chose to be there would spend his time moping about and feeling he’s missing out on home life.

There are I’m sure countless reasons not to send a boy to a famous public school. But most of the reservations expressed on this thread are … groundless.

There could be resentment both ways. Your eldest could be resentful that he was 'sent away' and missed out on things your youngest had at home.

How old is your eldest and who said this to you? The process is very competitive, so he won't necessarily get a bursary place. Although I appreciate if you start down that road, you need to think about what you would do if he does get a place.

With bright kids I'd be more concerned about their happiness than grades. They can do well academically at a less good school. Would your DS be happier at boarding with a clever cohort or at comprehensive with a mixed cohort. My kids would not want boarding regardless.

I saw a documentary series a few years ago following, I think 3, ordinary boys who all got 100% scholarships. I can’t remember the details but I remember thinking it seemed quite a nice school. I’m sure there are some horrible spoilt brats there but I even had some at my state comp.

Other people have touched on this, but a family friend got a bursary to well known prestigious boarding school. They still had to pay all the extra curricular costs and really struggled with it. They even had to fund raise at one point. 😳

Dealing with a child's additional needs by finding alternative provision is not , by any stretch "preferential treatment".

If your DS is that clever he'll excel at a normal state school.

See i was going to say the opposite because I don't see why intellectual ability isn't like any other talent

If eldest dc was incredibly good at football and offered a place at a football academy would you say no because it wasn't fair on his brother? How about if he was incredibly talented musically and offered a place at a conservatory? What if he was a good actor and won a role in a film, would you deny him that opportunity?

Conversely, if one if them was disabled and were offered special opportunities because of that would you reject it because it wasn't fair on their sibling?

What if there was a bigger age gap and you'd accepted the private place before it became apparent the youngest one wasn't at the same level - would you have made the eldest then drop out half way through his education?

Where does it end? If one of them goes to uni and one doesn't, do you refuse to help out the one who does, despite the epectation parents earning too much for their children to qualify for the full loan do so, because you aren't giving the same amount to their sibling.

Treating them fairly doesn't mean treating them equally and exactly the same, because they are not exactly the same people.

Youngest might resent you if eldest gets a better education than him but equally eldest might very well resent not being given a life altering opportunity just because his brother might not get it.

The only fair way is to allow them both to apply and then whether they get in or not is on their own merits. Exactly as if they both wanted to be in their local football team or auditioned for an orchestra etc.

I think a private day school is slightly different to Eton!

@ThatJadeDreamer In terms of different schools/opportunities for your two children.

I can only give my friend's example and every child (and adult) is different so I don't know how helpful this will be.

She comes from a very low income family with a lone parent on benefits.

Her brother was very academic and got a grant assisted place to a private school. A local day school though, so not boarding. It was the same school my brother attended and that's actually how I met my friend (our brothers became friends).

My friend went to the local state comp. She's never had any resentment to her mum or sibling.

As it wasn't her mother or another family member paying for her brother's school, my friend didn't feel there was preferential treatment.

I do agree though with other posters, that if it's an option I'd look into moving home, so you can be near a better state school for your youngest.

I have asked her this. She is planning to move him for 6th form given his experience there but will keep him there for GCSEs. I'm not sure it has given them the whole school experience either of them were hoping for.

I have a friend whose child boards at Eton.
@throwa

If Eton is proving so unsatisfactory why has your friend kept her son there?

Have you looked at the academic outcomes for Eton to see if you are happy with these for your child? I have a friend whose child boards at Eton mostly on a combination of bursaries. From what she has told me, you couldn't pay me enough to send my (equally academic) child there. Bullying is rife, the school doesn't seem to have a handle on it, plus going into Year 11, the child appears not to have covered half of the syllabus in some GCSE subjects and she's had to pay for tutors over the summer to catch up. Yes he has made some good friends (and thus possible future contacts), but I do worry for the child himself.

I would look at other private schools or even move to a grammar school area (if you can do this within their admission timescales, some require you to be living in the area from x date (can be year 4/5) ), given both yours are academic.

I think you should allow your eldest to apply (you apply for him) and give the younger one the same opportunity.

Have a look at other schools with generous scholarships / bursaries.

Depending on your finances there is also the option of state boarding schools, you pay for the boarding but the education is provided by the state.

So give examples. Otherwise it’s just rhetoric. Of course nepotism still exists. I never said that. If you own a company you have some more power over hiring but that’s got nothing to do with Eton. People up and down the country can do that for their kids.

But in large corporations it doesn’t exist anymore. What proof have you? Name and shame!

and the idea that going to private school or even Eton gives you contracts and means you have private plane is just wrong.

Maybe there are one or two families with a private plane. But they fall into the 0.01% of people in life. They were already wealthy before Eton and always will be. Next.

This is very good advice!