Am I being a helicopter mom?

It’s all new, normal to be anxious although crying does sound like you need to build on resilience.

DD started secondary this month and when she didn’t send her usual text to tell me she had arrived I called the school in a mild panic. The attendance officer told me in a slightly weary voice that DD was at school. It sounded like she had received similar calls all week from new parents.

I have 3 kids who went through long commutes and rude teachers, and this is what I think in retrospect-

The message we want to give our kids is not to confuse minor inconvenience (having to walk back from a bus stop) or minor injustice (teacher not believing you when you are telling the truth), with true problems (bullying, sustained unkindness, serious illness etc).

Tell your son what a great job he did, dealing with everything- how proud you are of that, and how important it is to be able to cope with all the crap that life throws at you. Don't let him see how upset you are because it will worry him and make him feel like maybe this is really awful and maybe he can't deal with it, which is not the message you want to give.

Also listen to him and agree that the teacher was unpardonably rude, which is upsetting and not ok, that it was probably because he assumes kids are making up excuses, and that there are always going to be people like that around, and that your son dealt with that well too. Maybe the teacher was having a bad day, but if he is rude again, please tell you.

Have to say I agree with this .

Gently, separate your emotions from his. If he is upset, then pursue it, if he isn't then you have to suck it up.

Secondary school is harsher than primary. Its is more real life and the reality is that not everyone is kind or forgiving. It's a hard lesson.

Give him a hug when he gets home.

You need to encourage him to learn by doing, rather than by you doing everything for him.

Get him to do some more bus journeys (without you) outside of school so that he gains more confidence in navigating this by himself.

Phoning the school is not the right approach on this one - equipping your child with confidence and life skills is and stop checking up on him.

Both you and your son need to work on resilience. Why are you ringing to check up on him 20 minutes after he leaves the house? How can he build confidence in his abilities if you behave like you don't even trust him to get the bus to school independently? Take a huge step back.

The general secondary rule among teachers when dealing with year 7 is ‘Don’t smile till Xmas’.

WTF? This is horrible and I’m pretty sure it’s not the case at my DD’s school. There is a lot of encouragement and help in the first few weeks - as long as the kids appear to be trying their best. (Any sign of an attitude problem and it’s different).

OP, I would only speak to the school if in a few weeks there appears to be a pattern of over harsh reactions - and I mean detentions not grumpy comments. Please don’t call them about a grumpy comment.

You really shouldn’t speak to the school, OP. The general secondary rule among teachers when dealing with year 7 is ‘Don’t smile till Xmas’. Your son will probably find they speak less harshly to him later in the year. He handled it well and he’ll have much harsher situations to deal with throughout his school career.

Op I do feel you, my DS started last week too and it’s so much stricter than primary! Lots of adjustment needed for us all.

Oh OP, he probably forgot all about it ten minutes later! Don’t worry, it’s part of growing up , dealing with the minor injustices of life.

I think it can be difficult when they start off in the big wide world of secondary school.
Maybe try to take this as an opportunity to trust in your parenting thus far and the fact that he handled it well.
Don't sweat the small stuff, and keep it in context. Teenage years can be challenging enough!

He dealt with it just fine. And this is a the perfect opportunity to teach resilience. He will have many many people speak to him over the course of his life not in a nicey nicey way and you can’t overreact to everything.
Please stop coddling him. He is 11, not a little toddler.

Parents generally experience some form of “grief” when there child reaches puberty/secondary school age. Your child is changing, their environment is changing and they are becoming young adults- becoming more independent. It is very normal to experience sadness during this period.

Sorry but I do think you're over reacting. It's a mistake, and it's an opportunity to teach resilience. Don't call the school. And consider some support for your own mental health, I really don't think crying all morning over something like this is normal - that is honesty from a kind place, not having a go.

@SaffronsMadAboutMe the eye roll. I was worried about how my DS would cope with secondary school after a lovely nurturing primary but now in year 9 he has the eye roll perfected! He's a good lad and has learned to deal with incidents well despite being (diagnosed) ND. I'd see if he can manage without intervention first but obviously get involved if you really need to.

OP have you also got ADHD?
Because your response (and your son's) to this seem to demonstrate RSD, which I also have.

It can be hard for people to understand that some of us obsess over slight things and get very upset about them.

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24099-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-rsd

I would certainly not speak to the school about this. It is a shame the bus driver didn’t stop, but your DS handled it well.

Sometimes, your DS will be spoken to harshly by teachers in secondary school. Occasionally he will make a mistake or an error of judgment and be told off justifiably. Other times, he might just be in the wrong place at the wrong time and get told off unfairly for something he didn’t do. It is important that he learns that life isn’t always completely fair. You can help him by explaining that he did the right thing, and the teacher that told him off at the gate is a human being that is there to police lateness and doesn’t know your DS. This is a good opportunity to teach him about resilience.

This is such a minor thing to have happened. A bus driver made a mistake and the teacher was a little harsh. You really must make sure you don’t let your DS know how much it has affected you.

You need to stop worrying all day!

You know this is a perfect time to teach resilience. Don't contact the school but when he comes home tell him you are so proud of him for doing the journey alone for the first time and that despite the bus driver not stopping and him having to get back to school from another stop he did it all on his own. Tell him to ignore the grumpy teacher and that things often go wrong on journeys and just in life generally - but that he still got to school despite the issues and that is the important thing.

I did a similar thing with DS (ASD) when he was that age and still now he remembers it and I still say, you handled it and that is what you need to remember - don't panic, just think 'what can I do to sort this situation out?'. Super important life skill.

I'd leave it, and I say that as a parent who often has to sit on her hands because I know it's important for DD to learn how to navigate tricky situations. The first few weeks at secondary are a learning curve for you both but it will get easier. Your DS is lucky to have you in his corner.

Its a big step up for some kids to secondary school. I wouldn't bother ringing the school but maybe have a chat with your son that if he feels it's an ongoing thing where teachers are being unreasonable to speak to you and then you could call them?
But probably a one of event, I'd praise gin for getting himself to school and dealing with the situation, also that if he gets a detention not to worry about it.

Who hasn't been gentle with you?