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Original poster

Moving Secondary schools in y8 yay or nay?

34 replies

ExtrovertedIntrovert1 · 07/07/2024 11:10

Hi all,

My lovely daughter is begging me to move schools.

The school she is at now is great. It's a very well regarded school with good results, great pastoral team and it's only a few minutes walk away. It's perfect and the reason why we moved to the house we live in.

She is doing very well academically, come on loads since primary. The school have also been great when various issues have cropped up regarding extra bits of help she has needed.

So she suffers with social anxiety and struggles to make friends or go places. She's so quiet, almost mute. She has made one or two friends but cannot cope in large groups so the friendships broke down when the friends wanted to hang out in groups rather than 1 on 1 (as they seem to do in y7!).

Unfortunately she is ending y7 as a complete loner. She spends break times and lunch alone. She does have somewhere to go (on a computer) and is fine on her own in terms of she stays occupied, but she's very very sad, probably bordering on depression.

She is begging me to move schools. She thinks that all friendships have been solidified now and it's too late for her. She is the quiet weird one who nobody wants to be friends with.

All schools in the surrounding area are over subscribed so it would be a case of adding her to a waiting list rather than moving her. But has anyone moved their child for the reason of shyness/no friends? She feels she wants a fresh start and I completely understand that but it also seems a shame when she goes to and school thats so good and has offered so much help. (Also I'm not sure she would be any different at another school!)

Was also interested to know how it works. Do children normally get to visit or spend a day there before you add them to waiting lists? Or is it a case of adding them and then visiting if and when a place comes up?

OP posts:
EndlessSummer · 07/07/2024 14:44

As a parent I understand as I have a child who is similar as in they can’t make friendships and they spend a lot of time in school on their own and they are very upset about it. If I thought it would make it better I would let them move schools or pull them out completely.

However as a secondary school teacher I often see a child move and the problem moves with them I’m afraid. Occasionally a child needs a fresh start if they were getting into trouble or in with the wrong crowd and that can work out. If it is someone who moved for social reasons I find they start to experience the same issues that led to them moving in the first place.

In your case your child seems adamant that they want to move. If they’re desperate I would consider it but what’s the plan if that doesn’t work out?

DaytripperShoes · 07/07/2024 14:22

Also quiet weird kids are cool! Refuse to believe there aren't others if them at her school.

DaytripperShoes · 07/07/2024 14:21

That's really hard. The right answer is stay - give it time - try some new strategies but if she has decided new school is the answer anything you suggest to her will sound to her like you are not listening or taking her seriously.

Can you really overtly do a twin track with her? tell her you are worried moving schools won't solve things but if it's what she ultimately wants you'll support her and start making enquiries - at the same time ask her to do something to try and improve things where she is - e.g. talk to school well being/counselor whatever there support is.

redskydarknight · 07/07/2024 13:48

ExtrovertedIntrovert1 · 07/07/2024 13:25

I totally agree that her issues need tackling rather than moving schools. Her current school has offered help but she has refused it. I cannot fault the school she is at.

She won't try clubs etc as there aren't any that she is interested in. In her mind she has kind of become this quiet weird kid that nobody would want to befriend and she will enter a new school and become somebody else. I know this is highly unlikely to happen.

So far I have flat out refused to move schools but I'm just wondering in the future if I do have to bend, how it would all work. She is actually threatening to email the new schools herself and apply 🙈

What does she enjoy doing? I refuse to believe that there is not a single club either in or out of school, that she could not find any interest in. If she's spending time on a computer could she game with others online (that still counts as friends)? if she's on the computer at school can she chat to others also on the computers at school?

i wonder if it might not be a bad idea to let your DD email other schools, or at least to pursue the idea. It will at least make her feel validated. Of course, I would suggest doing this in conjunction with asking how making friends at the new school would look - people won't spontaneously want to befriend her if she's not interested in the same things as them.

Original poster
ExtrovertedIntrovert1 · 07/07/2024 13:25

I totally agree that her issues need tackling rather than moving schools. Her current school has offered help but she has refused it. I cannot fault the school she is at.

She won't try clubs etc as there aren't any that she is interested in. In her mind she has kind of become this quiet weird kid that nobody would want to befriend and she will enter a new school and become somebody else. I know this is highly unlikely to happen.

So far I have flat out refused to move schools but I'm just wondering in the future if I do have to bend, how it would all work. She is actually threatening to email the new schools herself and apply 🙈

OP posts:
redskydarknight · 07/07/2024 13:19

There are huge changes in friendship groups for girls in Year 8 and Year 9, so your daughter's view that friendships are solidified is not correct. The fact that people are currently socialising in larger groups suggest this even more - there is no way everyone in a large group is really good friends with everyone else in the group.

In this case, it sounds like there is no bullying or deliberate exclusion going on - simply that your daughter hasn't found her place - which is really common at the end of Year 7. There is no particular reason why this should be better at another school.

I'd focus on helping her to make friends. Does she do any out of school activities, where she might meet different people? Can you encourage her to go on the group meet-ups - it's ok for her just to be quiet and folllow the pack, if she feels nervous about contributing. Can she invite people that she likes to meet up in 2s or 3s?

Attictroll · 07/07/2024 12:01

I would speak to existing school first. Friendship groups in other schools will be as set as they are in her existing one. The school may know of dirks in same situation.

Has she tried joining any clubs. This is where my dc met most secondary friends.

millennialprobs · 07/07/2024 11:47

I feel for your daughter, it's a very lonely feeling to feel that way. However wouldn't it be best to tackle the shyness/social anxiety rather than up and move schools completely? She won't know anyone at a new school so it might be an even bigger transition (I moved schools myself after Y8 for different reasons, but still found it hard to settle in to start with - from personal experience, I wouldn't personally move my child for the reason of shyness/no friends, I'd try to teach them how to overcome the shyness and to make friends. Maybe CBT might help her when it comes to the social anxiety?? Just a thought. Hope she feels more confident soon

MarchingFrogs · 07/07/2024 11:43

By your DD's logic, though, friendship groups at all the other schools will be 'set in stone' by now. (I mean, they won't be, nor at her own school, really, but I can understand how it can feel that way).

Whether or not a school invites visits - and it would only realistically be a tour, not an actual taster day, at a school with no place to offer currently - is up to the individual school. Some definitely don't, unless / until an offer is being made. When do the schools have their open evenings? If they are in the early autumn, you could go along to those? (We did this with DD when she got a mid-year offer the day before the school's open evening, but tbh we had already accepted the offer anyway).

You will (should) have to make actual mid-year applications now, rather than just 'ask to go on the waiting list' (and the school shouldn't actually allow/ insist on the latter). Having the application turned down gives you the right to appeal the decision, although it doesn't sound as if you have any actual grounds for appeal above that basic legal minimum.