Moving Secondary schools in y8 yay or nay?

@clareykb my DD has joined clubs throughout the year and does attend one outside of school but sadly it’s the same story. She can rub along with others fine but they don’t want to socialise with her or get to know her any better.

@ExtrovertedIntrovert1 I totally agree with your response there. My dds school have offered to facilitate a ‘ice breaker’ game between her and some girls in the Sen area that are excluding her at break times. My DD isn’t enthusiastic as they’ve made it clear they don’t like her. And honestly? I can’t expect her to join in, I wouldn’t in the same position. It sounds kind of humiliating. That said, she will go along with these things, but she knows they won’t work so she does find it rather pointless. In that respect I guess you could say she will and she won’t accept help.

I suspect we’ll end up in totally the same position locally but at least she can build a bit of a life for herself alone, and she’s happy with that as the bare minimum. She’s hoping for friends obviously, but I’ve tried to manage expectations. This is by far the worst parenting stage for me. This past year has been one of the hardest of my life and I actually think it’ll get much worse as she gets older.

I hope you find a resolution for your daughter too so that she can return to education. Life for young people these days seems truly brutal.

My Y7 DD who sounds similar and does have an autism diagnosis was feeling like this earlier in the year and then school supported her to join a club and this has made a difference... She was adamant she didn't want to go to anything to start with but she now goes to Anime and then went with kids from there "Geek Meet" which is dungeons and dragons and Pokémon etc. she's found a bit of a tribe and finds things a bit easier... To get her to go, the school asked one of the older kids in the club to meet her and take her which I think worked well because it wasn't me or a teacher telling her to go

@ExtrovertedIntrovert1 thank you so much for replying. I’m so sorry to hear how badly your daughter has suffered. It’s so hard if they won’t accept help you must feel completely helpless.

in our case, the school seem genuinely baffled and have no idea what to do. I would say intervention has honestly been quite minimal, which is another reason im not sure it’s worth it to stay, despite their caring nature. My DD did have one friend, which is why they maybe thought things were fine, but this girl really sought my daughter out as she is vulnerable and soon dropped her for others. This is one of those things I know, but my daughter has been devastated by it. She isn’t invited to socialise outside of school at all.

sadly the local secondary school is full and we are second on the waiting list. I have no idea how long we’ll be waiting and that’s what’s killing me I think. My dd wants to go even though we know the support might not be as good. However, she really isn’t receiving that much where she is if I’m completely honest. It all tends to be reactive rather than proactive.

I really hope you find a solution for your daughter. How old is she now? If this next secondary doesn’t help I think we are going to opt for an online school such as Minerva. I’ll have to go back to work full time to afford it though!

You say the school is good pastorally, so see if they have a learning mentor who could create a group session for her with some of the girls that she likes (3 to 5 other children). I taught a boy who didn't like football and as a result had no friends. The learning mentor created a group for him and taught them to play 4 square and did other activities with them and the change was dramatic. The friendships developed and he became a different child. I remember telling his dad, with a big smile, that I had had to reprimand his son for chatting in class. This was in year 6 btw, so primary but not much younger.

Sorry to try and resurrect an old thread @ExtrovertedIntrovert1 but I wondered how things were going? Im currently in a similar position although slightly backwards. Our DD is diagnosed autistic and with this in mind, we didn’t choose our local school but a school renowned for its excellent SEN & pastoral support 30 mins away. However, this hasn’t worked out. The school are supportive but my DD hasn’t made friends and is desperately sad about it. Changing schools has actually been our suggestion. She’s just finishing up year 7 & we’ve added her to the waiting list of our local school for a fresh start. She has some connections there from primary and could develop some independence walking to and from and would maybe be easier for her to socialise too. We don’t expect this to be a magic cure but would be easier if she was local. The only trouble is, the local school has a very poor reputation for SEN (which is why we didn’t pick it in the first place) I’m just really sad and feel like I’m between a rock and a hard place. I want her to move locally as the journeys are such a drain but I’m worried things will just end up worse.

Sorry, just seen your update. It's heartbreaking for ND children.

Moving to another state mainstream school won't help. There are some smaller, more nurturing schools dotted about but they are all private and it would depend on your geographical location.

my bestie's grand daughter (now 15) moved schools willy nilly based on course and teacher!! yup insisted on moving to one school for their extra pe provision, then back for math and back again. she's a great kid and very self directed. has friends in both schools plus several clubs. so a total 3 times over her secondary education. the sky didn't fall and no one really cared. on track for a usa sports scholarship.

Is there any interest/hobby she has that could become a new club at school? There are bound to be others with the same interest.

It’s hard when they get stuck in a mindset that there is no solution; sometimes it’s too much of a demand to change or do something out of their comfort zone when they are already struggling and overwhelmed with everything else.

So sorry to hear it didn't get better. Did you approach the school about it at all?

How did it work out for you? I’m in almost the exact same position!

Have they any lunchtime sessions for the kids who need more support? I have a dd with ASD, where it all unravelled at y8/9. She’s always been ok if she has one quirky friend and she needed to move on from her primary school one who was different to her at school. She did have an outside interest and friends but this was also waning at the same time. She did come through it and met another quirky friend, there’s s lot of movement in y8 and then 9 as the gcse classes form. I’d try and get her more support in school. There’s loads of nd kids now and they usually can find each other and be friends. My dd is at Uni now and has been fine there and loved living away from home.

@ExtrovertedIntrovert1 The therapist has helped. This is the second therapist though, the first one was no use at all and seemed to have missed the autism. She was using CBT which just didn’t work. Current therapist is psychoanalytic therapist so this is years and years of therapy and very expensive. We are fortunate this has been affordable for us.

I agree the that NHS is not set up to support the difficulties our young people are facing. I think somehow social media has made it much, much worse for this generation. Try reading Jonathan Haidt’s ‘The Anxious Generation’. Make sure you limit her social media use and maybe look for support for yourself locally with parent groups for ASD young people.

Puberty is an incredibly tough time for ASD girls.

I was lucky , I moved my son in year 8 , I knew the school he moved to from primary was a bad "fit" but it was his and his dads choice ( my ex) was a massive mistake.....moved him to a smaller school of my choice .. (yes they was a waiting list and I read up on the criteria ) was the best thing I did on his first day he was back to his Normal self after being a really unhappy boy

Hi, so I totally sympathise and I get the whole can’t cope with groups thing. However this is not going to magically disappear at a new school. Your dd is fixating on this unrealistic solution and seems closed to reasonable suggestions like join some clubs. This black and white thinking along with an unrealistic view of the world is a trait of autism along with the social difficulties your dd is experiencing. Have you considered your dd might be autistic? I have autistic child and wish I had known earlier so I could get them appropriate help. I was also the mum going into secondary school to ask why my child didn’t have any friends. I was told not to worry but I wish that someone had said she might be autistic as that would have been helpful to know. Finally had to get therapist due to severe depression and anxiety and she was the one finally made the diagnosis.

While moving school may not help, at least your dd will feel listened to and sounds like she is miserable where she is so I wouldn’t discount this.