12 year old practically blackmailing me to move schools... :(

I reckon pastoral may well be sympathetic to a request for a managed move and try to help

No one wants to deal with a naughty child day in day out, endless detentions, calls home. It's a pain for them as well as you

Yes you may be "giving in" but a managed move will come with clear code of conduct that he will be expected to keep to, regular meetings and he'll have 8 weeks or so to prove himself. If he can do it everyone will benefit.

A whole year of misery and there will be bullying. Is the new school within a reasonable distance?
Both puberty and neuro diverse issues pop up in year 7/8.
Id move him. My DD had four secondary schools. Two later shown to have internal issues that effected my daughter. She's now at university.

Fwiw I begged and pleaded with my mother to let me move school
Her reply was that you couldn’t just run away from your problems

For me the problem was the school not me

It sounds like your ds feels like he has a target on his back and no matter how good he tries to be, every infraction, even when those around him are doing the same thing. It is him who they come down on like a ton of bricks
Move him and get him an assessment for ADHD and if diagnosed get him the meds he needs

i agree with pp talk about a managed move … At this point it’s worth a shot .

re urgent adhd referral - no such thing . Look at right to choose . It may speed up the process .

But if he gets diagnosed with ADHD there are meds and whilst he will still be the same person his reactions to things won’t be the same.

ADHD is a dopamine deficiency

Imagine the talking back means he gets a dopamine hit
Meds will give him that dopamine hit so no need to talk back

While well meaning, this is doomed to fail. I am sure he has already tried to be good at the current school but someone or something, or several someones or somethings are winding him up daily until he hits overload. He probably is not capable of good behaviour at the current school, but would have a fighting chance to be capable at a new school in a new environment with new people.

I agree his desire to be well behaved is a good thing, but the way to treat that is to move him to a school where he can flourish.

I’d let him change.

you can get in a vicious cycle where staff expect him to behave badly, so are quick to punish, and he expects the punishment, so behaves badly. His mates may be looking to him to disrupt as well.

it doesn’t sound like things are going to change at his current school either.

move him.

i also agree with not stopping hobbies etc. he needs those to keep him from thinking up trouble. If he likes sport put him in something disciplined like martial arts, where he can learn to keep himself from reacting.

Now that would be a serious threat to make to a 12 year old to do as I say or I’m calling social services and you will be taken away from home.

Absolutely shocked by this advice. You don’t throw out your 12 yr old because they are having trouble managing the transition to secondary school.

I'd probably give in to the move. Even though it looks like you are giving in. BUT give strict guidelines before he starts. If he gets a detention he is grounded/has no technology for 5 days or whatever. Tell him the consequences before hand and follow through. It will be very hard. Maybe school will assist with a managed move.

I don’t know if he is blackmailing you or simply warning you that things aren’t going to get better at the current school. I don’t know why you are assuming a previously good kid has suddenly turned into a “massive pest” that you are telling no school would take. This has to be destroying his self esteem.

I would move him to a new school. He isn’t a good fit for this one and a fresh start is a good idea.

I feel that your son is out of control. If a parent cannot exert reasonable pressure on a child to toe the line and behave within normal parameters then they are “out of control “ of the parent.
Id be telling son this and informing him that I shall not put up with anymore of his outrageous behaviour.
Next step is Social Services and a placement away from home!
This child has to learn to behave in an acceptable manner. He is blackmailing you, his mother, by refusing to change his behaviour and demanding to change school

Take a stern line!

Squiggles23
Just go back and read what the OP has written. Swearing and arguing with staff is not minor. OP I would try a move. If you go for a managed move the new school has the option to say no at the end of a trial period. This gives him the chance to prove himself.
However all schools expect kids to be respectful and allow others to learn. They all have uniforms and rules. He is not going to find a school that allows the kind of behaviour he is displaying.

I'd stop punishing him by removing his possessions. All you end up with is a teen with literally nothing left to lose so behaviour worsens and you don't want that

I'd return his things. I'd let him attend his hobbies. Removing all this just escalates it all.

And then I'd look into moving his school because I don't really think you have a huge amount of choice at this point. You could dig your heels in but I'm not sure what good it would do

You haven't given any good reasons for not even exploring the possibly of moving schools. He's miserable and he's communicating in the only way he knows how.

Ask him to write a list of reasons for why he wants to move. No stupid, lazy reasons like “it’s shit” - actual reasons. If he’s written something thoughtful/believable, then tell him you acknowledge these reasons and, if he shows he can behave properly in a school environment, you’ll find and apply for another school for him.

What is linc? I bet it’s isolation.

You can’t treat teens like that just punishing them for basic stuff constantly like chatting without expecting any of them with a bit of fight in them to go full scale rebel against the school.

If it is isolation it’s pure laziness on the schools part because they just don’t want to deal with students. Plonk them there on their own until they break. It’s not teaching.

Op is it an academy? It sounds like there’s a chance it could be one of those pedantic schools expecting pupils to be worker ants and dishing out detentions for moving incorrectly. If it is I would sympathise.

No school should be issuing daily detentions to pupils.

If your boy was fine in primary I would definitely look at other schools- some of them have lost the plot.

It sounds as if the relationship with the school has broken down. His behaviour is too far gone for him to row back. I would see if I could move him. I would make it absolutely clear that if he starts this behaviour again in the new school there will be no leaving.

I once asked to move schools for a fresh start, my parents agreed and it worked.

The situation was bit different in that I was a selective mute at school A. With the shock of moving abroad and not speaking the language, I had become known as « the one who doesn’t speak ». I felt type cast and remained mute long after I had picked up the language.

The move worked, and I was my usual communicative self from day one at school B. I just needed not to be known as the mute girl as that would have drawn too much attention when I began to speak.

The commute was hard though.

Can you use this desire as part of a behaviour management agreement between you and him?

• you will agree to put in an application for him to move him to a different school

• the new school will expect appropriate behaviour, following rules, being polite, doing homework. The deal is that he has to demonstrate himself capable of doing these things before the move because the move will be disastrous if the bad behaviour continues

• if he can't demonstrate the capability to behave well you will pause the process of pushing for a new school and focus on the behaviour issues.

• if he can then you'll do your utmost to get him moved, and expect him to continue to demonstrate good behaviour once moved

Children like this often have a managed move as a fresh start.

It works for some.

Worth trying?

He might be right, albeit for the wrong reasons. A new school might be a fresh start. If he has ADHD, you won't be able to just tell him to crack on and sort it out. He will need support, therapy and probably medication. Your parenting style may also have to adapt.

Managed schools moved between two high schools is fairly common there is often quite a bit of movement in year 7 in order to get the right fit - managed also means if it doesn’t work and the new school he goes back to his old - all done via the school and LA

i would also get support for understanding his potential neurodiversity and diagnosis and what that means for him and his behaviour

Why are you opposed to moving schools? You aren’t wrong that the problems may continue. You also have a child in crisis telling you what he needs and the consequences of trying his suggestion are low.