12 year old practically blackmailing me to move schools... :(

This. With bells on. Put yourself in his shoes, get inside his head. How would you behave?

Why on earth wouldn’t you let him move?! He’s hardly thriving where he is!

I think you need to show more empathy and sit down with him and try to get him to be more specific about what the issues are for him. Have you some ideas about this? As kids often respond better to direct suggestions than being asked "why". One thing occurs to me is that many secondaries are quite draconian compared to primaries and he might find that very negative. Or could it be about friends or lack of? Or finding some of the teachers hard to get on with? Primary staff tend to be more touchy feely in general. Or feeling he can't keep up with the work.

By being cross with him and telling him he needs to shape up, you aren't going to get far. Despite what many people think, over harsh punishments backed up by a lack of understanding of where the behaviour is coming from, do not work other than to build resentment.

@doublemint44 how are things with your son now?

How does anyone benefit from keeping this child in this school because of some bullshit outdated ideas about forcing children to be distressed on a daily basis to what, teach them a lesson? To try and force a neurodivergent child to do something he's not actually capable of doing - being neurotypical?

Meanwhile his and everyone else's education suffers because of this stupid bloody mindedness. He's told his mother very clearly what he needs - to be out of the environment that is causing his distress. It's not blackmail for the child to say "i can't cope in this environment, but i think i may be able to cope in a different environment." It's blackmail to say "if you behave perfectly and ignore your probable disability and distress for a month, I'll think about doing what you want". At the end of the month, if he's succeeded in behaving more like a neurotypical, they'll say there you go, he can behave, so there's no need to move him - and you'll be back to square one, either the child will end up burning out from the stress of masking or his behavior will implode.

Honestly baffles me why some people are so opposed to listening to children and really thinking about their needs instead of thinking he's being naughty for the sake of it and that reacting to his specific needs is somehow spoiling him.

Just move schools - he has painted himself into a corner - he blames everyone and claims to hate them - he will look a right numpty if he admits he’s the prat and that everyone is quite pleasant and normal and he’s the bad guy.
If you move him he can become the good guy.

Meant to say this was 2 years ago so he's now in year 9.

We did this with my son in year 7. He moved in the may half term holiday.

It was a strange experience as he had gone to year 7 with a good attitude and good friends. He just fell apart. He couldn't seem to progress there. Parents evening was really negative.

He went to another school that had spaces and it was the right decision for him. He has made good friends and is doing much better academically.

Pick ups are a pain but I thought we just couldn't carry on. Even if it didn't work out any better at least we'd listened to him and tried?

No it won’t be the same. Schools are not identical. Some are more SEN friendly than others, even before any accommodations are put into place.

I think the pp who suggested requesting a managed move has the right suggestion.

He will need to behave at the new school, knowing if he doesn't he is stuck back with the original one.

While I do agree I think its worth a try to see if he IS able to behave if given the right motivation.
I know its beyond some kids with SEN but not all and lets face it if he can't cope with his existing school due to SEN the next one (if thats even posssible) will be the same

So the child’s behaviour is appalling. He is disrespectful to his parent and teachers and causes disruption on a daily basis. He is now blackmailing his mother, informing her that the behaviour until and unless he gets what he wants.

And the solution to all this is…to simply give him what he wants. When this behaviour continues in the new school and he lays out a new demand, what should the OP do then?

He may have ADHD. Or he might be an extremely badly behaved child who needs to learn he will not be pandered to whilst he displays this awful behaviour.

OP, I agree with PPs - tell him he can move if his behaviour improves. I am shocked at the number of people essentially blaming you because you won’t just cave into his demands.

I had a terrible time in school, I was bullied / people were mean to me . I wish my Mum had moved me when I asked. At 33 the trauma from school still affects me. I would move my DS in a heartbeat. If things don't change it's obviously more likely down to him.

@doublemint44 , I am a school governor, specialising in admissions. As others have mentioned, you should ask the current Head to explore the idea of Offsite Provision (aka Managed Move) to another school. Hopefully local schools will have a protocol in place for this. If it is anything like ours, it will involve an agreement whereby a temporary move is arranged, with review points planned in. If the move goes well (i.e. his behaviour improved) the move can become permanent. If it doesn't, he will need to return to the original school.

The issue with kids with this profile (assuming it’s ADHD) is that they cannot change easily and do not respond to threats and sanctions. I would think about a reduced timetable as he sounds distressed.

I would tell him that if he can behave at this school for a defined period of time you will see if he can move schools.
If he gets expelled he will have to go to a school that he may not want to go to, does he understand that?

You have my sympathies OP as I have a child exactly like this, except he loves his school. The daily calls and emails have been punishing to deal with. No sanction, change in behaviour management, reasoning helped to change. He was suspended twice and on the pathway to expulsion.

He got an ADHD diagnosis privately, but couldn’t have meds straight away as his weight was too low. Anyway, his brilliant psych started him on a different medication that doesn’t affect appetite. She could see how desperate I was. The difference in his behaviour has been miraculous. He said it’s stopped him from having impulses to do and say stupid things and he can think through his behaviour before acting. The meds started 2 weeks before the end of term, and I didn’t get any emails home.

My regret is that I didn’t do this sooner. Behaviours were always there but manageable until he entered secondary. The past year has been utter hell.

I have withdrawn my child from the school to have a fresh start elsewhere. Hopefully, we will have found the right dosage before September.

Please seek a diagnosis for your child and listen to him. NHS pathway is taking 2-3 years. Beg, borrow, steal if you need to get it done privately. The difference to his life and yours will be worth it. Please DM me if you want to chat or need advice.

I would move him

BUT he needs to show you that he can try. So if he has a month of effort (obviously it won’t be rosy every day but he needs to try) than you’ll put the application in

Definitely sounds like ADHD so follow that path. Medication will help once they get it right.

Also once they start being "that kid" it's almost impossible for them to shift in the eyes of their peers (and sometimes staff) to the right path. Some schools are just a bad fit for kids.

Ask about a managed move to another school. It won't solve his issues but it will give you the opportunity to give him the responsibility to change. Schools "swap" pupils having issues and see if a fresh start helps and TBH they can be absolutely brill. The arrive with no reputation or "name" and can create themselves afresh with new friends and staff etc if they have the desire to do so.

It will put the onus for that back onto him: instead of punishment you are handing him the reins and he needs to take control of his own future. If he fails there too, then you've got a whole different situation to deal with.

OP, I would move him. I know he is contributing to this problem but it also sounds like he has been "typecast" into a role where everything he does is seen in negative light, he feels resentful for constant punishment and telling off and acts out in rebellion, making thing worse and worse. It would be very difficult even for an adult to change everyone's opinion of themselves, but for a child its probably impossible - at this school he will forever be a "problem boy" and everything he does will be viewed through this lens.

New school indeed could be a fresh start. Do the right thing by your son and move him.

Move him. Sounds like ADHD to
Me. I have a child who is adhd and these are typical behaviours. They are wired differently

Move him. What have you got to lose? A fresh start may be just what he needs. New school, clean slate, can make new first impressions.

He’s telling you why he’s acting up. You need to listen to him.

The kids who don't behave are not poorly behaved because they are asked to tuck their shirt in. This is rubbish.

I did read it @cansu .

If the school is an an academy type then 90% might toe the line out of fear of detentions and isolations. Out of the others some will stop going to school and the others will start exploding.

If I had a huge list of pedantic rules to follow that aren’t real life then I might start fighting back.

Rather than the school getting the kid on side they’ve alienated him and there’s a fall out. There solution is to constantly send him to ‘linc’ whatever this is until he breaks. It’s not teaching.

Change school and see how he is. What is there to lose?