Still struggling with year 7 transitions?

Hi Bob104
i was just wondering if your daughter moved schools in the end? If so has it been good for her?
we’re having similar issues with DD in year 7, she feels she hasn’t clicked with the anyone and says that everyone has formed their friendship groups and she hasn’t got one. I really don’t know what the best thing to do is - how long do you give it?

My daughter is also Y7. She really wanted to go to her first choice school (she was the only person from her primary school that went but knew a few girls from her old infant school) as it has an arts focus. I felt it would be the perfect fit for her. However, she struggled with classes because they were mixed ability apart from maths and English which they streamed around Christmas time abb BBC d although she made friends, was not settled at all. Plus the school weren’t supportive as she’s on the ADHD pathway.

I wanted to give it the whole year but by February she just said “mum, I’m miserable” 😞 so I rang around other schools. She had taken the 11+ and one of the local grammars had a space, so we moved her just before Easter. I was so anxious about the move (what if we have the same problems etc) but it’s been very positive so far. She has made friends who have the same interests and is back to being her happy self.

My dd was the same in yr 7. I basically chatted through with her all the girls in her class - we homed in on one or two who she said seemed nice but didn't say much. I told her to try and walk between classes with / sit with one of those girls for a few days, as they may be feeling lonely too, and a friendship developed with one of them.
Once she had an anchor for between classes, she became more confident and joined a few breaktime clubs). Now settled in yr 8 and good friends with one of the girls identified above. Year 7 was a roller coaster though! I think it's very common.

If the alternative option is private, I do think that's tricky. Is it something you can comfortably afford? Would your older child feel they'd missed out by going to state. Would they lose out on things like holidays and extra curricular?

There are threads on Mumsnet where schools have had 10%+ fee increases in the last few years, have you budgeted for that? The absolute worst thing would be to move her to private, her settle and be happy and then have to withdraw her because of financial reasons.

Unless you can really comfortably afford private without compromising on anything for your other child, I would consider saying that it's off the table and that might mean she is willing to make a little more effort at her current school?

If a child was really unhappy eg due to bullying, then I would move them, but I think the situation of feeling like she has no friends could very easily resolve itself, friendships do change a lot in the first few years of secondary school, and there's no guarantee it would be different elsewhere.

We gave it a full school year only because it was a private school and we had already paid the fees in advance. I really liked the original school and wanted my daughter to stay. I tried everything to convince her, but she was adamant she wanted to move and would have moved sooner had I not made her wait the year.

People always say "don't move schools" but if you were really miserable at work, would you not want to look for another job? I don't see the benefit in forcing your child to go somewhere she's really unhappy when she is asking you to let her move schools. My daughter moved in Year 8 and is super happy at her new school with loads of friends. I would look into moving her.

Depends how much the school are willing to help in my mind.

DD1 started this year, historically has had huge difficulties with transitions and is awaiting an ASD assessment. School have been absolutely fantastic with her - although undiagnosed, they support her via their SEN key workers as if she is - and we had one period of very low-key (scissors along arm) self-harm which school have responded to by setting up a circle of friends/offload to trusted staff type session fortnightly to try to ease her over the hump and it seems to be working (although she's more impressed she gets to dodge a lesson and drink hot chocolate).

She also had slightly struggled with the fact that her primary school go all over the place and don't just progress to one single secondary - only three of them moved up together and I think she found that hard (to be fair, with 15 in the year group they don't really move up as a massive group to anywhere!).

My daughter was the same and around Easter of yr 7 she moved forms to one where she had friends. So much better almost immediately!

She's now yr 9 and has fallen out with one of those friends so there are still issues 🙄 but that's 14 yr old girls I think. I'm hoping they all mix up again in gcse lessons and she makes new friends then!

It's so hard when your child is miserable at school. I must say the staff have been fabulous and endlessly patient with her.

I agree that streaming does help find similar friends. Wierd but true. One of my DC had loads of their Yr6 class in her form and they all split those friendships quite early. Friends they see both in/out of school arent old ones.,
Second DC has made loads new mates in school but out of school mainly sees old mates who went different high..
DC1 no contact at all with old mates who went different high
DC2 out of school time, is 3 best mates all went different privates and he sees them a lot.
Non of those private kids have madd new mates as yet

My friends daughter was like this and now in Year 8 (I know it's a long time to wait) they have streamed and she's made a lots of like minded friends. I'm unsure why they don't stream sooner. She was reluctant to do clubs and spent a lot of time in the library.

We had exactly this situation. Lasted til mid y8 when we realised school couldn't do anymore (too full to move classes) .. our DS just needed a smaller environment too..we moved (albeit to a private) & after a bumpy start - which due to it being private was fantastically well supported- he is now thriving. It's also single sex. Never thought we'd go that route but it's taken out all the drama that comes with boys/girlsetc.. I'd hold out & say to your daughter you're looking into options so she feels you're listening/ acting on her behalf - but also do your research as another says, are there spaces in the other sch/ tests required etc. good luck.

I have come across this a lot, in the vast majority of cases, it works out fine. Don't consider moving schools, this school seems to have been very supportive and proactive.
At break and lunchtime, is there somewhere she can go, any type of group or club?
Do the PE staff know any other keen gymnasts she can talk to?

Our daughter is also very unhappy at current private secondary because of friendships. She is desperate to go to another much smaller secondary because 2 of her primary friends are there and it had close ties with her primary so she knows lots of teachers etc.

We wanted the larger secondary to hopefully build more friendships but it hasn’t worked at all so far.

I’m wary of a move to somewhere much smaller however another friend with a Y7 daughter is at an even bigger secondary than DD’s current one and she’s also struggling with friendships - so it seems to be that even with a large year group it doesn’t always mean they find their tribe.

I feel your pain! I also wish my daughter had outside school hobbies like yours does….

Whenever I read these type of posts and speak to parents at others school I am sooo grateful that our school has forms but for 2/3 of timetable is not in forms, They band them or set them or just mix up. They meet so many kids & find their tribe. Less politics

That's great that she has gymnastics and a team to be part of.

I don't know what the answer to school is. We really struggled for a few years but now she is clear we did the right thing by making her go.

I would really focus on finding a non school activity that she enjoys. It takes the pressure of finding friends at school.

As someone who moved schools a lot I would caution that it is really hard being the new girl. Even if she knows more kids at a different school there is no guarantee she would end up in their friendship group if she moved.

What changes are there on the horizon? For example, the DC's school streams for maths from Oct HT in Yr7 but, other than for sport, they spend all of their time in the class with the same 30 kids. In Yr8, they have the same core class but are streamed for more subjects and the way they do art & things is mixed up too so they get to meet more people. Going into Yr9, DC1 met more people again.

I third the suggestion for a new form group. It’ll provide enough of a shift to allow Ned bonds to form.

if you can arrange it imminently, you may find things settle. If they don’t, the private will always take her next year.

I was going to say what the previous poster wrote. Ask for her to move to a different form group. Hopefully teachers will have an idea which she might suit best by now and can advise.

I'd seriously ask for a new form group & look at the extra curricular she could do. It's a huge financial outlay to move to private for no guarantee her mates would still fit her in. Does she see all these other friends all the time outside if school? Does she talk to them a lot? Is that holding her back from getting involved at new school?

What a nightmare. Sometimes moving is a magic wand and sometimes it isn’t. Problem is that primary school friends change and there’s no guarantee that she’d fit into those friendship groups as there’ll be new dynamics at play as their friendship groups will have expanded.

Also, it’s hard to know whether there’s any element of I want to move schools so I’m not going to make the effort. (I’ve seen that because I’ve buddied up people before and the buddy comes to you, saying we’re really trying and we’ve done this and that but X just disappears or refuses to join in.)

I would arrange a face to face meeting with her head of year and tutor and ask these questions and say she wants to move. Is it that her tribe aren’t there or she’s been unlucky with a cliquey classes? It would be unusual for friendship groups to be stable at this age. would moving classes or form groups help? They’ll know the dynamics of the year. If everyone including your DD has tried everything and she’s still miserable then it’s probably worth moving.