To move school mid Y7 when she is doing great?

Thank you @IzzyMartin for offering this perspective. I am also European, and definitely idealise the Europa School as this fantastic place to learn. I have no direct experience and live in Oxford, I sign up to the continued interest list every year but it seems like getting a place is like winning the lottery. And perhaps it is not so desirable after all? It is interesting to read what you wrote :)
I think the original poster decided not to go for it, @SimonBolivar , thanks to you as well as it was for me a very interesting topic, I hope your daughter is happy where she is. I am curious to know more about the scholars program you mentioned, do you know which schools in Oxford offer this?
Overall a very useful conversation for me, thanks!

I'd probably ask Europa if you could get a taster day there to help your daughter to decide. We live in one of their catchment areas and considered the school, but from Oxford we have found the commute is too far and not worth it. The traffic around Abingdon is equally horrendous. I keep hearing stories of kids being stuck 2 hours per day on a bus. I think it's not a great experience when you can do any classes you like in Oxford, especially the French ones, or meet up with French families easily.

I had also looked at their results, and to me (I work as a French tutor myself and come from a multilingual family), they are not impressive, in fact many kids leave this school with passive knowledge of those languages. I don't necessarily think the kids know the languages better than someone who does A-level in French or Spanish. Your daughter is bilingual already, you just need her to do some reading and writing which you can probably do easily on a side and she has time to do it as part of GCSEs for example.

I'd consider the commute and definitely see how it goes with the taster session before deciding, but I do not think it is necessarily a better school, although as a European I understand it's ideologically attractive, but beware of the ideology. We should not be choosing a school based on that, I believe. In many respects the 'British values' are really good too :-)

I think you need to politely and firmly say if she does ever resent you (and I am not sure she will) I think you make it clear as a parent it is your role to guide/offer and make sure she is aware of the consequences of a decision as she is heading towards being a teenager and an adult but that you cannot and should not force her into a decision she is uncomfortable with.

and the sane goes to you OP, it isn’t your role to force her into a decision she isn’t comfortable with when the alternative one suits her as well, guide and try to convince her the choice was right but ultimately that was all you could do

Me too.

I wish your child all the best op. I think you should be really proud of her for standing up for herself and being firm. She'll be a strong independent woman I reckon!

I am so pleased to read this.

You asked about book recommendations. At a similar age when changing schools one of my girls loved the Gallagher Girls book series by Ally Carter. Exceptionally gifted girl moves to specialist girls school which trains future spies! Enjoyable nonsense but good escapism for her and shows pros of a new school environment!
Don't be put off by the covers - they're quite innocent

@Vive42 Scholar programmes don't really exist in state schools. The gifted and talented funding is non existent so most schools don't have it. It's very unusual and normally only happens in the 'leafy' comps that have a healthy PTA to help out. Hence my statement that it's VERY unlikely she can just go back. These types of comps are often more oversubscribed than some of the private schools you're probably familiar with. At least in a private you can call and speak to a human that has the power to make a nuanced decision about a return. In a state school you will be hearing from the LA that will say something along the lines of "computer says no space".

so COURAGE is one of your key principles, doesnt mean its your DDs.
She has told you her views and you just haven't listened because COURAGE.
She speaks excellent French already and I really don't understand why you need her to be fully Bilingual. If its for future career prospects excellent spoken French will be a huge help, although if she only has a Uk passport not so much.
Maybe it will work out and I really really do hope so but if not it will be down to you and your COURAGE.
But it sounds like you have made your decision so best of luck to you all

I was your daughter. I'm trilingual because my parents moved around a lot when I was young and I went to six different schools in 5 different countries. When I was your daughter's age I was at an absolutely fantastic school that I loved and didn't want to leave. My parents moved me (as they moved countries again) and I absolutely HATED the new school and although I adapted and have fantastic language skills from all the moving around, I was never ever as happy again as I was aged 11 at the lovely school I was moved from.

Hmm. Firstly, I’m also EU with 3 British/EU dual national kids settled in the UK. My oldest is brilliant at my native language and it got progressively more tricky to teach the younger kids my native language. I understand the desire to pass on as much culture as possible.

But there was a point where I let my kids decide their own culture and it’s not purely my EU heritage. And I’ve made peace with that.

Here’s some things to consider:

• Is the Europa school really more prestigious than being a scholar at the local comp?
• Is an IB useful for your daughter?
• Are you sure she’ll speak French outside her specific lesson?
• why is it so important for you that she also writes and converses at the highest level in French?
• you speak of ‘courage’ and ‘fear’ as if YOU yourself are doing something big. Are you aware that it’s your daughter you’re expecting to defeat fear and show courage?
• how will your daughter feel if she realises she has to trailblaze a place for her siblings? How will this impact sibling relationship?
• are you sure you’ll be able to undo any collateral damage and is that worth it to you?
• what are the different roads that the Europa school opens that people would look enviably on?
• how is the movement in the school, is it a transient body of students?
• are you sure the stability of current friendships will stay the same for your daughter?

I agree with Zerofuckd, you can dress this up in whatever way you want to try and justify the decision that you had made even before making this post because ultimately you made the decision you wanted for the whole family. It may work out, it may not for your daughter but if she recognises why the decision was made it could make your relationship tricky.

my grandad regretted a decision he made at 11 not to stay in Monmouth where he was evacuated and had passed the 11+ but he knew the decision was his even at 11. Your husband seems to blame his parents for letting him make the decision but how were they to know.

dressing it up as she had a choice when she didn’t isn’t helpful particularly as I th8nk eoth9n reason it was partly her decision to make

@Mumoftwo1312 I have to say that also made me cringe a bit too, it's not really a Pinterest type situation really. Anyway, hopefully it all goes well.

*In the end my / our decision was this:
it’s FEAR making me scared of moving her. Of course it’s FEAR

and COURAGE that made us move her. It’s one of my key values.*

Sorry but that's simply nonsense and I think you know it, op, you don't seem daft.

Why not consider

CAUTION vs RECKLESSNESS

or COMPASSION vs AMBITION

or any other number of meaningless block-capitalised words?

You can't oversimplify a decision like this into one word vs another. This is your dd's real life, not a trite slogan on a Facebook meme

@Vive42
"Then in that case it’s a straight switch. DD could still go back."

She probably won't be able to. I would never ever suggest this to a child unless it's guaranteed which this isn't at all, esp at a popular comp.

My mistake. I didn’t realise she was at a state school already. I thought scholars only existed in private schools and DD was at a private school.

Ive had kids in both and only ever encountered scholars in private. I’ve learnt something today!

Then in that case it’s a straight switch. DD could still go back. I don’t see why you don’t gently offer it, with the caveat she absolutely tries to settle for at least a couple of terms.

Ive changed my mind also on account of this and think you’re doing the right thing OP. You’ve got to give it a chance. It offers blended learning and it’s a unique opportunity that fits with your family set up.

And equally the other kids could get places without the older sibling. They're outside the bulge years that are ending this year. This may well lead to resentment from the eldest that they didn't go and didn't have those opportunities in the local comp. Lots happens in y8 and 9 with girls. She may not stay happy, friendships don't stick, lots can happen. I'm just saying, there's always different angles and it's not that easy.

I think scenarios like this often trigger people like you for obvious and understandable reasons.

I think we agree on it not being ideal @Foxesandsquirrels , I just could have softened my response. So Op I apologise for that.

@Foxesandsquirrels absolutely fair comment. I guess I can only give examples I know.

And NC is likely to be a very far stretch.

But there still can be a huge amount of resentment and anger building up at a very challenging time in the DDs life. And it may not be as simple as getting through it.

I do marginally disagree with the fact of the other reasons. The key driver in this is getting the other children a place. op said herself without that she'd unlikely consider moving a happy child. So the DD is being moved to facilitate this. That could absolutely backfire.

@ZeroFucksGivenToday As I said, I'm not fully on OPs side, I've been critical of their decision myself but you're really reaching here and I don't think it's fair of your to say that these obviously loving parents will end up NC with their kid because of this. They've listed the siblings getting in as a pro and not the only reason. From their updates it's clear this may well be a better place for their DD, but it's not without its struggles.

In fairness there were lots of other reasons too. (And they were huge) But I'm trying to say that the crux of a lot of our issues was my brothers happiness was definitely prioritised over mine. And that has a massive effect. And that by the OPs own admission is what has happened here. Her DD doesn't want to move, she's said that. And because of the priority of getting the other kids in, that decision has been made anyway.

Ops DD may settle and they live happily ever after, but if she doesn't, then that can absolutely cause a huge amount of resentment that never goes away.

And like it or not, it's the DD that has to work through the effects of that decision.

I just probably explained it badly.

@ZeroFucksGivenToday look I'm not saying I'd do what OP has done but come on, moving an 11 year old to a different school is not really going NC material. If you went NC with your parents over a single choice like this than you're the problem.

I feel desperately sorry for her. You're not prepared to listen to anything that will change your mind. And ultimately you've done this for the sake of your other children.

My parents made some big decisions for me, that I argued and disagreed with, but because they made sense for my brother they wouldn't budge.

I absolutely can hold my own and learnt to adapt. But my dad I haven't seen in 25 years, my mum died with me being NC for three years prior to her death and I had a poor relationship with my brother that is only just easing.

But I'm sure you'll be fine you will all get through it 🙄, but actually she is the one that has to get through it.
You run the risk of her hating you and doing irreparable damage.