Any regrets AFTER being at a super selective school?

I have teased DH in the past that he went to a super selective top boys school and Russell Group university and came out with the same results and degree classification as me (middling comprehensive and ex-poly university) 😅

Also earns 40% less money than me and is less senior in his job in spite of being five years older and not taking any career breaks but let's not go there.

DH went to one, whereas I went to a not great comprehensive. I think that I came out mentally tougher and better prepared for life than him, although he has better academic results. He doesn’t think of himself as clever and doubts his abilities because he was just “average” at school, despite getting top grade A Levels and a 1st class degree.

Our DCs’ comprehensive has been a bit of a shock for DH but it’s a really bad school and we have no other choice, unfortunately. Our DC probably would have been better off going to DH’s school, if we could have afforded to live within catchment.

Not at all. DD1 only scraped in with her 11+ mark but absolutely flourished and it was so much more relaxed and sensible in terms of discipline and homework than the co-ed non-selective school that DD2 goes to. There were lots of super brain autistic girls that seemed to do very well there too.

I helped out with a couple of school trips and the girls were so lovely.

My daughter is only in year 7 so I can’t provide that much insight, but the SEN support (she’s autistic) and pastoral care has been absolutely incredible.

I know she wouldn’t have got this kind of support in the local comp, because they have their hands full dealing with students with (what they perceive as) greater need. This was, frustratingly, our experience at her primary school.

My eldest went to a much sought after London school with a super-selective stream.

Teaching was good, socially, pastorally etc, sink or swim. Came out with good grades but not better than his similarly able friends at our nearest respectable comp.

Yes. My stepson went to Charterhouse, loved it and made great friends, even met his now wife there! He got good (not amazing) results and went on to a good RG uni. Good job now - some sort of consulting.
My own DD went to a non selective mixed independent but moved to all girls selective for Sixth Form. Worked her socks off and got three A stars. Ok time socially - only 13 new girls that year - but didn't really bother her that much. Started a club which was way out of her comfort zone and grew a lot from that. She's got offers from the likes of Durham but hasn't decided yet.
If there was a very good state secondary I would be happy for my kids to go. There wasn't.

I'd also add that my takeaway from DC who went to the SS was that it was a tough place to be if you couldn't maintain the academic pace. Some classmates who had been heavily coached through the 11+ struggled massively when that support was no longer there and it was hard for those kids who clearly weren't able to keep up with the academic standards. There were no 'sets' for any subjects so all in together and there were high expectations set for all class members.

Went to Oxford High in the sixties a year after my mother died when I was 10 (probably how I got in in the first place - the pity vote) and in the days it had a small boarding house. No food issues - I was always bloody starving! Went from being top in local Church primary school to literally bottom of everything - bottom division of each subject, bottom on all exam lists which were pinned to board - no sports star either so last to be picked for teams. The feeling of being thickest person in room never left. Went to a good university though so maybe a thick Oxford High-ean is brighter than average!

My DS has recently finished at a SS state grammar. He loved it, perfect environment for him where he thrived. Lots of friends, excellent education, stellar grades and now at Uni doing a very tough to get into degree.
My other DC had no aspirations to go to the same school. Less academic, more creative. Went to local secondary - and thrived. Super grades, good friendships and has been successful in other ways to my other DS. Each would have equally not thrived in the other's environment. Very much horses for courses in our house.

I have one in a SS in the NW, sibling had place offered this morning at same school.

We’ve had cause to use the student support system- eldest really struggled with some aspects of secondary transition, scheduling and actually having to put effort in, but the school have been absolutely brilliant and I can’t fault them - they’ve really taken her mental health seriously and she’s been able to access a range of services and is doing really well now.
Same with dealing with behaviour issues, they aren’t afraid to deal with issues and the children feel heard and encouraged to make reports.

A lot of the pressure comes from the kids themselves (and probably parents), we aren’t given grade indications for the first few years - it’s all based on respect and effort.

I’m really excited to see what my younger child can achieve with the school, they’re a late summer baby and a lot more resilient and determined than my eldest - I know they are going to love the challenge and grab every opportunity they can.

My son’s primary school are recommending we try for the local SS (Tiffin) but these stories do really put me off. It’s annoyingly our nearest secondary and no obvious other options though!

I have two friends in two different cities both with DCs went to super selective. Both DCs went from the top of the year in their primary to the mid/low end of the cohort. Both suffered mental health issues and both ended up just hoping to "get through" the GCSEs. One of them changed their heart choosing the path for arts in stead of pursuing science - what she always wanted and the parents finally yielded.

We might have the choice of super selective. But I'd think very carefully if his score sits at the bottom of the admitted candidates. DH doesn't care much as he believes being the bottom of the top is better than being top of the ordinary. I can't disagree more! I think it really comes down the each DC's personality and how resilient they are.

So we will see what result entails!

it might be different now but it was very much geared to getting in to uni & there were no other alternatives ever spoken about

Unfortunately all schools do this nowadays. I'm on a university parents Facebook group and the number of students dropping out of university at the moment is very high. Schools and 6th form colleges view university as the default option, and far too many people feel that it is expected of them when they really souldn't be going or they should go after a gap year or two.

I went to a SS (not UK). It was quite bad with the kids' mental health, but we were all pretty neurotic from the start tbh, and I think we would have suffered in any school. Plenty of depression. Only one anorexic that I knew of.

There were lots of good consequences. When I got to uni, I found the work surprisingly easy, and got top marks with minimal effort. The extra education we'd had was so beneficial. It also paid off in my career later.

There was little or no disruption in classes, and very little bullying. We couldn't see the point of it.

The friends I made at that school were amazing - such intelligent, complex people, even as kids - some are still friends for life. I feel privileged just to have known them.

My eldest went to one. We aren't sending my youngest.

It was nothing special. Behaviour was terrible. Like, off the scale.

My son did well academically and he didn't feel pressured particularly, but he was able, I think that may have been different for some of his pals.

One thing, the kids weren't all brilliant at everything and in that respect they were kind to each other in a way I found surprising. So, some kids were clearly STEM 'geniuses' but were terrible (tongue in cheek here) at the arts. Or vice versa. And it was totally accepted that Johnny was a maths savant but English wasn't his thing.

There were the odd 9s in everything and 4 A star types, but they certainly weren't in the majority.

My son wasn't terribly happy. Nothing specific, it's still just school. He has benefitted from the Old Boys Network though (they think they're Old Etonions ).

No school will be perfect for every child. You've just got to do what you think is best at the time. We thought this was best. We don't think it would be 'best' for my second son (who is probably even more able than the eldest), now we've been through it once.

I loved my SS grammar. I was bullied at primary for being a nerd. I found my tribe at secondary. I was still towards the top, which I'm sure helped. I reckon I would have done similarly academically but had a more miserable time at the conprehensive. My brother went to a SS too, and it was good for him as he was clever but fairly lazy and didn't want to be labeled as a geek. He likely did better than he would have done at a comprehensive as he was pushed more. Again, he was in the top third there which helped.

In my area there's one for boys and one for girls.

My eldest son went, it was perfect for him, fantastic grades, excellent set of friends, no feeling of pressure. He says that it's bad at the girls' school though, lots of eating disorders and mental health problems.

My youngest son didn't get in, his GCSE results were just as good at the local comp but it was obvious to me that there was more distraction and messing about in classes at the comp, and more intellectual activity and rigorous discussion at the selective school.

Youngest joined the selective for sixth form and is happy there, though it's taken a while to adjust to the different style.

I'm happy with how it worked out, but every selective school is different, as is every child, it's about finding that right match (and avoiding the selectives that are famous for breeding eating disorders!)

Also we got told that getting a B at GCSE would ruin your chances of getting into uni and therefore ruin your career before it started !!

it was only when I started work that I realised I wasn’t totally useless !

I went to a super selective school - I had to work really hard pass the 11+ to get in, and in hindsight I think I would have done better at another school.

It was great for the super intelligent people, and they really supported the students who really struggled but if you were just about scraping by, you just got left to it really.

it might be different now but it was very much geared to getting in to uni & there were no other alternatives ever spoken about - I was completely on my own when I chose not to go to uni.

I think they’re great if you can easily get in but I wouldn’t push my own kids to go if they didn’t have the natural ability

They've also surprisingly been really good around autism. They've not queried the odd sick days and have put support in place where needed. They have a tutor who talks through any trip before they go and sees them half termly or more often if needed.

It's been brilliant for my autistic girls. The other local choice was a "no excuses/detention for getting anything wrong school" and the grammar school has less homework and understands if it's the first time you've forgotten to do homework for example so is a much nicer environment to be in.

It's also calmer without the behaviour issues and without boys.

There really isn't the pressure put on by staff BUt there is internal pressure as all the girls want to do well so it's an interesting environment that way.

There are some with issues but we've often wondered if it's the high achieving personality that means they'd have those issues if they went elsewhere. It just happens that collecting very high achievers in a school together concentrates them?

The girls have loved having Subject specialists and interesting lessons where people (mostly ) want to learn.

A down side I do think though having come from aa lower income family is a bit like going private- friends suddenly have big houses/holidays.

Similarly going from being top to being mediocre. However the growth mindset stuff is interesting as many kids if they sail through being top never learn to work at something.

The thing I do regret though is both mine were sporty and primary and joined lots of clubs, similarly did the school plays etc.

At grammar it's really those who play for the country/played at private school that join the teams and those who are seriously good at drama from older years that get into the play.

Also - you can go from "being good at maths" to thinking "Oh I'm not good at maths" for example because you're no longer top set. But really you're on track for a 7-9 and actually are if that makes sense. So can internalise the "I'm not good at x" because it's relative to a very high achieving cohort.

Would echo previous posters about mental health problems. I went to super selective schools and we all had mental health problems, many of us still do. I would not send my children to those schools but the heartbreaking thing is that friends of mine who have, are seeing eating disorders, self harm and other mental health problems arise in their children (boys and girls) too.

I do think that it depends on your inherent personality and resilience of course. Some people might thrive in these environments, (but the ones that I have met who do are kind of arseholes…!)

I went to one and loved it. But I was naturally academic and near the top. Friends who were near the bottom generally didn't like it and possibly would have enjoyed a different school more, where Bs and Cs weren't viewed as a failure.

Like a pp, when I went to Oxbridge I found it hard to then find myself extremely mediocre.

No direct experience but one of DD's prep school teachers had sent her first DD to Tiffin Girls' and said it destroyed her, she sent the 2nd to the local outstanding comprehensive and she said she will regret for the rest of her life sending DD1 to Tiffin. Granted this was probably 15 years ago and hopefully pastoral care at SS has improved.

One of the super selectives schools in the next county has had several pupils end up with eating disorders as a result of the pressure to do exceptionally well.