Any regrets AFTER being at a super selective school?

Zero regrets. No ED or MH issues. I enjoyed it.

I was protected by sensible parents (love wasn’t conditional on academic success) and being well into the top half of the year group in most subjects. This is a pattern I’ve followed for my DC - I reward effort and discourage perfectionism, and I did my best to send them to secondary schools where they would be in the top half but not the top 10% academically.

The other big advantage was that the school environment meant I learned at 11yo that I wasn’t the best and needed to work. Which was a lot easier to deal with at 11 with supportive parents, than for the people who had to manage it by themselves, aged 18 at Oxbridge. The learning curve of actually having to knuckle down and work for the first time at 18 was pretty tough for them. I was used to it.

That’s so strange. I am in my fifties and the one school mum I know with an ED went to Withington.

I went to one. Spent my entire life with imposter syndrome and perfectionism issues.

I sent my DD to a comprehensive. She has SEN and won't have as many shiny certificates - but she's a much happier, less anxious and more confident person.

I would only recommend super selective for the kind of child who is looking at Grade 9 in everything without having to break a sweat, who is confident and who enjoys winning and being a bit competitive. If they need good pastoral support or have any kind of SEN then avoid.

@Haydie yes, SP and NLCS.
This is interesting I know a few ex SPGS and yes all do have ED/ MH issues .

My elder dd both went to Cambridge and struggled a bit with going from top of the class to middle. There were a lot of eating disorders and anxiety issues particularly with the girls but dd1's lab partner failed his first year exams, became an alcoholic and died aged 28. Dd2 met her husband there, he went to a SS and he took Cambridge in his stride.

My son went to one and thrived. He is the type that would do what was needed to fit with the norm so where the norm was to do well he did. If he had been in a comp he would have tried to blend as average so as not to stand out. Fortunately the ss environment has led to him wanting to do well and he is now flying at uni.

It suits some and not others.

As regards eating disorders I'm not sure you can blame that on a school per se. Kids everywhere even at standard comes get earing disorders for all sorts of reasons. It's easy to blame the school rather than accept the child may have had one wherever they went to fit a narrative.

There were no issues with pressure. Just that nothing was that amazing. The main benefit was the peer group, high ability and less disruption. There were teachers teaching out of their subject area like other schools. No money just like other schools.

Lockdown provision was dismal, they assumed children were home with at least one parent baking bread or doing other enriching bonding activities. I was at work full-time and my child home alone and isolated. A good routine of school work would have been very helpful.

I do wonder if he would have been better off moving to his current technical college from year 10.

I went to one, left 20 years ago. The teaching was actually not amazing - a lot of the time the teachers coasted along knowing we'd all do well regardless. I was bullied, had an ED and MH issues (pretty obviously ND but I guess it wasn't as well known back then) and no support for any of it. Went to Oxbridge but was too mentally unwell to use my degree in any meaningful way. I was also very sheltered and thus didn't realise how well I actually was doing academically - it was a case of it being "normal" for me and everyone I knew to get straight As all the time. Now live in an area with only comprehensives and am glad of it.

It's a hard kind of bereftness that leaves a deep pit isn't it? I had similar happen through no fault of my own. It doesn't go away.

@Haydie yes, SP and NLCS.

Would you mind naming these. Was one of them SPGS by any chance…? If so, that’s my experience too.

Worst thing that happened to me was being sent to a super selective school and then getting taken out of it. I never managed to fit in at the local comp and was bullied for years. Think carefully before putting your child into that environment and even more carefully before removing them from it.

I went to a super selective private school (top 5 in the country at the time, and still performing well). It was the making of me. It didn't suit everyone - there were definitely girls with eating disorders and panic attacks. The naivety of youth meant I didn't appreciate what was going on with some of those girls.

I was an academic, easy-going child, who loved to learn and whose parents asked only for me to try my best (and no more), so I did. It was an adjustment when I started there as I was no longer top at everything but I raised my game and studied hard (for the first time in my life).

I gained great qualifications, confidence, an interesting well-paid career (I earn £150k pa), and a circle of girlfriends who are kind, funny, assertive and accomplished women.

My advice, therefore, is to consider the culture of specific schools and your child's temperament to see if a super selective is right for them.

Superselctive are not diverse social economic wise, it has the lowest FSM% among all the state schools.

No I mean that they are not mixing with kids who struggle academically or kids with SEN. I know exactly what schools are about. I've taught for 36 years.

I concur with @Jellycats4life . DD’s grammar was far more diverse economically and ethnically, there was no majority or minority. The comp was very monochrome and economically reflected the affordability in the local area.

I’m afraid your comment just shows that you don’t know that much about grammar schools. My daughter’s school has an incredible mix of students from all sorts of religious, cultural and socio-economic backgrounds. Far more so than the two local comps.

Send them to a normal school. They will then get a chance to mix with all types of people as they will in real life. I went to a normal comp, brother went to Grammar, got same exams and went on to get same grade degree. I have a much wider group of friends from all backgrounds and as I work with people makes it easier to see their point of view.

It can be very pressurised. It's also worth remembering that your child could be top of the class at primary school, but middle to bottom in a high achieving grammar.

I did and was fine. I breezed through it all and had no issues. If your kid can access entry tests with their eyes closed they will be fine. If they’re studying or needing tutors you’re setting them up to fail.

No, I mean that students who had been to private school at Oxford will often lie about it, because they know that those who went to state schools weren't given the preparation or 1-1 attention that they received. The spoon feeding is the extra stuff. Kids in state schools are taught, as I think you probably know.

I went to mixed state comp. My sister went to grammar albeit some years ago.
I loved school as it was fun and strict but not stupidly so. Yes we messed about a bit and had a laugh but we knew we needed to pass exams.
We were set and I was lots of top sets but asked to move down in maths as I found it too hard in set1. Ended up with a 2-1 from a RG uni.
My sister hated her grammar as she said literally no fun. All work. No one ever messed about or had a laugh.
All about work & grades.
She did ok at GCSE but flunked A levels as burnt out by it all

Ah yes, I should have added in my post above that the SS school that ds is at has an amazing Student Support Department and that is the reason we chose the school. My ds is autistic and has a diagnosis of such but there is a high proportion of dc with ND diagnoses or dc with neurodiversity but without a diagnosis. The key for us was making sure there was a proactive Student Support department

I crumbled after I left university and started working, mostly because of the undiagnosed ND, but also because that was the first time since I was 11 years old that I'd had to work with people who weren't extremely academically clever, and I didn't really know how to do that.