My DS failed every one of his mock GCSEs

I can’t find the bit where she says she’s ashamed. Could you tell me where it is?

If he was getting 5s before what has changed? Has there been any notable disruption?

I didn’t read all the replies but just wanted to say, my dd would have sat for her GCSEs along with your son. Instead she could no longer go to school from January this year. She hasn’t been assessed but pretty sure she’s autistic and now recovering from burnout. What I realised is, I cannot compare her to other kids. She’s been through a lot of trauma in her life, masking and so on. Remember, there is no age limit to when you have to do your GCSEs by or whether you need them at all. Look in to functional skills at college or taking even 1 or 2 GCSEs at a time and taking the minimum needed. So many options. As your DS was only diagnosed recently as being autistic and is being assessed for ADHD it is likely he has been masking so be careful he doesn’t head in to burnout under the pressure of exams like mine did. Read up as much as you can about Audhd and don’t let him feel that you are upset or that you think he might be lazy.

Unfortunately this isn’t the case for a neurodivergent child.

If it was as easy as “just getting on with it” we wouldn’t struggle in the ways that we do.

Of course seeing progress is rewarding but that’s not always enough to “knuckle down”. A demand avoidant profile can really struggle with expectations. And the lack of dopamine in the brain means that sometimes it can still be hard to do things even if you’re desperate to get them done/want the reward.

Of course this doesn’t mean OP shouldn’t try and a tutor is a great idea. But it really, really isn’t as simple as just “knuckling down”.

As he isn’t diagnosed with ADHD just yet, just ASD, I doubt he’s on any medication yet. Meds really are a game-changer in being able to focus - it’s quite literally life-changing for many ADHD people.

There will be consequences if he doesn’t manage to do what he needs to - ie/not getting onto the college course he wants. That needs to be made clear to him but not framed as failure because that will just increase the pressure and damage his self-esteem if he doesn’t manage it. All OP can do is try and help him organise himself and encourage his studying, but it may be that it’s just not going to pan out. It’s not a case of how intelligent he is, it’s all of the other skills required for exams and why a good proportion of very intelligent neurodivergent people don’t do well on exams.

You can’t opt out of an avoidant attitude when it’s part of an autistic diagnosis/brain. It’s part of the condition. It would be great if it were possible to just decide not to be avoidant but it just doesn’t work like that.

Is there any chance of getting a private adhd diagnosis and medication? If you can do this in the next couple of months it might turn out to be a better investment than a tutor.

Also pursue extra time for him in exams and dropping a couple of his weakest subjects. Then a very focused revision strategy, with your involvement, to try to get 4s and 5s.

My son who has ADHD got 1B, 3Cs and all the rest Ds in his mocks and got 3A stars, 4 As and 2 Bs in his GCSEs. We are NI so still use letters. So plenty of time. Some tutors and actually sitting doing the studying with him was key to success. His ADHD means independent study is nearly impossible for him but with support he got there.

I bought all the study guides for him, watched films on the GCSE English lit texts and offered to sit with him or pay for a tutor (which we can't really afford). He didn't want any of these.

What he 'wants' isn't really relevant, is it? What he needs is to knuckle down and work hard. That very often falls to parents to facilitate.

What he needs to realise is that an avoidant attitude is going to lead to even worse results.

It might be an idea to get a tutor short term and ask them to test him over a short period so he can clearly see his progress.

There are also some great online platforms (eg Atom) that kids can work through at home and that regularly test/reward etc. Once he sees improvement he'll start to feel better about himself and is then likely to further apply himself.

He just needs to click that if he wants college he needs to work for it.

Even worse case scenario he fails them all - he can resit at a college.

Most colleges are set up for Maths and English resits, not so much others.

Is he coping well in school with his work if he is predicted better grades?

Is it the exam conditions he can not cope with ?

What have the school said about a dramatic drop, have they give guidance on how to support him futher?

Depending what he wants to do - he will usually only need 5 maths/English and and if he wants primary teaching - science. 5 is usually enough for most level 3 courses if he wishes to continue in Ed or for jobs/ etc if he doesn't.
I would focus on the maths /english and the ones he prefers is better at. The point of the mocks is to see where they are currently at - it is an indication but it doesn't mean he cannot lift those grades/numbers between now and the actual exam. Additionally although 8/9 s are all very impressive - unless he needs a specific grade for a specific subject to progress - a 4 is a pass and will get him on to future study. So in context - a 3 is not that far from a 4 and he has time to improve between now and then.

Even worse case scenario he fails them all - he can resit at a college. As long as he is happy and healthy - A GCSE is not the be all and end all and lots take longer than one attempt to succeed at education.

Please try not to worry too much, lots of people tank their GCSES and do just fine once they've left school.

If his GCSEs are really, really needed and he tanks the actual tests, it might be worth paying privately for him to sit the core ones that'll matter most for the next deep in his life.
Would something like an apprenticeship be best for him when he leaves school? So he has relevant physical experience, not all paperwork that's really hard to commit to.

It may even be worth asking the school whether they think focusing all of his energy on select subjects that will serve him well in life over the next 6 months is better than sitting the usual 9 or so exams.

Most kids are also seeing a drop in their expected grades and mock results too- DD was expecting 6/7/8 in her exams, at this point its 4/5 and I think one 6.

It might sound odd but it's good that he's upset, it's good that he cares. I suggest you chase up the diagnosis, sort out tutors for English and Maths and push for some subjects to be dropped. The priority is for him to do well enough to qualify for the next stage. Get him to try different revision methods to see what works.

I can understand your worries ,i have 3 kids of my own ,my youngest has just done mocks with very little revision ,she is tired of school now i can tell.
What stops me from from worrying to much is that i really don't think secondary school exams are the be all and end all , they all pretty much find their own path in life and there are so many more opportunities to come to learn and achieve.
They are so young ,too young i think to have the pressures they are under.

I haven't read all of the other responses but PLEASE STOP saying he failed. If he has failed he got a U as in ungraded. What you are saying is a fail is the grade that a certain percentage of the country are going to get because of the way the GCSEs are graded. What you mean is that you would like your child to have got a grade 4 or above which is considered a good pass. However, how can every child achieve this when the grade boundaries are adapted yearly so that a certain % don't. Instead support your child to achieve the best grades he possibly can. Encourage attendance at revision session, provide a suitable environment for revision and help to write a revision timetable. If you want to pay for a tutor then that's up to you. The school should be able to give tips as a parent too. Good luck and I hope he gets his 5s in the summer.

OP one of the main purposes of mock exams is to work out which children need a bit of extra support, as there are many who find the whole exam environment stressful and difficult.
You and the school need to put the message across that receiving extra adjustments is a good thing and work out which ones really will help.
2s and 3s at this stage are not bad results and it is perfectly possible with the right sort of help to turn those into at least 4s.
In the long term no-one will ever ask what mock results you received.

I am sending you a very big hug...

My son has ASD and ADHD... he's 17 and was diagnosed at 11.

He is very bright and always been engaging and inquisitive... was predictors high grades and we are from a pretty academic family with friends whose kids all seem to effortlessly do well.

He was very impacted by covid but when he went back in yr 10 it was a car crash and he just kept failing everything and his behaviour deteriorated. Was a really tough time for all of us and I think we lost our boy for a while.

In the end we took him out school and put no pressure on him to revise.

He went and sat the exams and passed maths and English.

He's since been to college and found it hard to style but is now doing car body work course and enjoying it. He has a girlfriend and our boy is back.

The system just doesn't suit our kids and they need to find their own path. Be kind to yourself, try to support him on maths and English as minimising resits willl help.

You will find a different path together, don't beat yourself up about the late diagnosis... nothing could have made my son pass GCSE's... doesn't mean he isn't clever, his brain just works in different ways...

Just love him and reassure him that it will be ok ( I think the hardest thing for my DS was being around kids that got it all day and he just didn't.)

Neurodiverse brains are fab but kids with ADHD just don't fit with exams.

Let go of the guilt!

X

If it's any consolation, I failed two of my mocks (back in the olden days) and got low grades in several others, but I got all As except for one B in the real thing.

Completely agree.

Schools are primed to look for disruptive, explosive children - many of our neurodivergent children are failing quietly in the corner as no one is paying attention to them.

Autistic burnout and overload can be catastrophic but can manifest inwards rather than outwardly. And there are different forms of ADHD - the one that everyone talks about is the hyperactive type but there’s also inattentive, and mixed. With these latter two types you won’t see a “naughty” child disrupting a classroom. It may look as someone who’s just not concentrating, or they’re daydreaming/not listening properly. It’s not deliberate - it’s to do with executive function in the brain.

Additionally, autism and ADHD can pull in opposite directions, making it even harder to spot to the untrained eye (and I include schools in this as the training given to teachers is woefully inadequate for what they’re expected to do/know).

Also, there’s a lot of misconceptions around “mild” autism and ADHD. It still has a very profound effect on the individual and constantly managing their needs in a world that’s not really set up for neurodivergence is exhausting. What other people see as “mild” often doesn’t feel mild on the inside.

It's a tough one but, you can't make him revise if he has additional needs he is going to already be struggling.
Exams don't suit everyone they are so narrow and the teaching and revising methods are just one size fits all

My dd with no additional needs struggles to settle on a revision method, her GCSE predictions are ok (not 8/9's) but I am not ashamed by her. I just support the best I can, she understands it is all on her and if she fails maths and English she retakes them. It really is not the end of the world. I think she could do better if she put more effort it but I cannot force her

Please don't compare with other children, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Maybe your ds will be better doing retakes at college, from my experience they support ND children better than secondary is able.

He has many years to find his way he just needs your support I am sure it is very hard but he needs you in his corner.

Think about what will happen if he fails rhe essentials, what will be your plan?
I say again education is a one size fits all and with this it lets loads of children down.

It sounds from the mismatch between his expected grade and actual grade that the problem is not his intelligence but that the exam experience is one that highlights all the. Areas where he has difficulty. Extended periods of concentration, extended periods of revision would be very hard for him - and you both would not realise this as a problem until he hit the mocks.
My own ds had this. I didn’t realise and thought he had not been working. He really tried hard to revise for the actual exams and did poorly. It took ages to realise why and I regret so much that I did not help him by finding out how his brain worked and what he needed. He eventually did this himself. Good luck to you both in finding out what way he learns best - and every sympathy to both of you

What a nice mother you are. 🙄

@Choirsinger7 your DS is actually doing really well still being able to go to school and the way you should be looking at this is that his diagnosis is a positive thing. You can now look at a different pathway to him working/ revising in the best way he can. Unfortunately it's not easy, it's time consuming and frustrating but can be started. What does your DS actually want? Why doesn't he want anyone to know? If everything is hidden it will be more difficult for him really.
I speak from some experience as my DD was also diagnosed with ASD 7 months ago when she was 14. She has refused school for 18 months and only in July this year did she get suitable alternative provision of education. I've no idea if she will ever even be able to sit exams. BUT i'm not ashamed of her or myself or of her diagnosis. Since the possibility of ASD was first mentioned in October last year I feel as if I have done nothing but filli in forms, research therapists for her various issues, attend online meetings and trainings and fight for anything and everything she is entitled to.
You are not a bad mum at all, this is just a slightly different life path that you need to embrace and push the reset button in your brain. Your son sounds as if he has been doing well, but will need you and his other parent if he has one, to reassure him, answer his questions and reassure him. It doesn't matter at all if he doesn't get good exam results now, he can re do them if he wants or push them back a year, or not take exams at all. It doesn't all need to be done now. Let things sink in and concentrate on being a family first.

I disagree thar it would be obvious if severe. I mean obviously complete lack of speech. But otherwise, schools dont care (a bit like dyslexia). They are unlikely to specifically say dc may have xyz. Much easier to blame parents.
Schools seem to only see children who cant sit still. Which dd wouldnt do on reception. Not consider the impulsivity. And with work it can look like a child os doing ok but they can be achieveing average when they are top 5% etc. For dd the teacher couldnt find a way for her to get extra time on exams despite her clearly working very slowly (1 maths q per lesson)

But i do agree that if the kid is bright we need to work towards the gcse grades they deserve. That may mean they need a lot of parental support.

It may be the op dc would do better if motovated with a reward?
Dd struggled at primary as no rewards for anything

It’s not just the use of the word ashamed - your whole opening post was about how he’s not performing as well as your friends’ DC or your DD. About how he hasn’t achieved as much. It doesn’t matter what word you use - you shouldn’t be comparing him at all. No parent should compare their child but knowing that he’s autistic and is looking as if he has ADHD too, it’s an awful thing to do.

This world is really tough when you’re autistic or neurodivergent - it would be helpful to him if you learned more about it, how it manifests and what he needs. Teens are a particularly hard time for autistic kids. The last thing he needs is to feel as if he’s letting you down.

It’s likely he’ll need more support from you in the coming years and it also sounds as if he’s got a long way to go with accepting the diagnosis fully himself. It’s difficult to discover that you’re different - it’s a lot for a teenager to come to terms with and he really needs you onside. There is a lot of solid, practical advice on this thread but you need to forget about trying to keep up with others and focus on supporting him - and maybe consider that his future may look different than you both expected. And that’s fine. There’s a good phrase about autism that I like (as an autistic/ADHD woman myself) - different, not less.

My advice would be to try and see if you can get more involved in studying with him. Get him to revise where you can check he’s actually doing it, make sure he’s producing something - mind map/ flash cards/ completing practice papers. Then quiz him to check it’s having an impact on what he can remember. I teach secondary and so many students say they tell parents they’re revising in their rooms but they’re actually playing on their phone/ gaming etc.