Teachers - If you have a child in your school who misbehaves would you think the parents are to blame

Kids misbehave for all sorts of reasons. Fell out with friends, didn’t have breakfast, not enough exercise, not enough sleep, hormones, dog died, work too challenging/not challenging enough. I could go on.

As a teacher I can only really work on level of challenge. In fact just did 2 hours training on it, after school this afternoon. In theory I should know all about it!

Legally, I have to be aware if a child has health needs or SEN and if there are difficult circumstances at home, parents can let us know by email so we can make allowances. We follow a clearly defined behaviour management policy and these days this is communicated to home through apps like iSAMs or ClassCharts.

I never automatically blame parents for their child’s behaviour. If things get to the point I need to call home then we hope the parent will try to work with us for the common good of their child, and thank goodness this is usually this is the case. The outcomes are certainly better for children when school and parents work together.

I would suggest to those on here saying their child is being disruptive because they are bored, your child needs guidance on how to regulate their emotions when faced with being bored!

And for that guidance to be effective, your child needs to be bored from time to time and you need to be able to help and support your child with that emotion.

What I do see is a lot of children emotionally dysregulated because they don't know what to do with their feelings, how to handle them, identify them, feel secure within the family to talk about them, or consider how they impact others.

@xxxndbm

My son is reported for asking his female friend to marry him and have kids with him, dancing, talking, whispering the word " anus" when he got angry during a project... How can I take it seriously 🤣. He is definitely a character.

I find how the parents react to being told about their child’s behaviour is a pretty good indicator. Those who insist their kids do no wrong and don’t punish are usually a problem. Jut because a child acts out doesn’t mean it’s the parents at all

No I wouldn't but like noblegiraffe I would expect the parent to support what I was doing in the classroom and to make this clear to their child. The most damaging thing you can do is to decide to look for an excuse for your child. I have read a few already on this thread - the work is boring or not challenging or too hard. It would be great if parents trusted teachers and supported them. After all if your child behaves well, they will learn more. It is however sadly the case that most parents don't support the teacher. They go on the defensive and look to blame someone or something else.

Wow

Could peer group / how influenced your daughter is by peers be a factor? Or has she been bullied in the past? Perhaps she thinks if she shows certain behaviours she will be less likely to be bullied. Hormonal changes? Is there a pattern of lessons her behaviour is worse in? So many reasons it could be. I'm not a teacher but I have worked with children/ young people and wouldn't assume it was the parents fault.i think how a parent responded to being told about their child's behaviour would indicate to me whether the parents influence/ child's upbringing is a factor in their behaviour or not.

I'm a teacher. My own DC1 is a sprightly one and needs a firm hand, while my other DC2 is perfectly behaved in school. There is a certain margin for personality type but a LOT of the time, children with disruptive behaviour tend to rule the roost at home. Not always, but generally. Speaking as a pretty traditional, authoritative parent who has very firm boundaries at home and my DC1 still pushes his luck as and when he can, I do think parenting has a lot to do with it. Not always. Often.

Most of the time it's due to laissez faire parenting. The parents aren't outright teaching the kid to be rude. The parents are actually usually really nice, but maybe haven't set a tough enough tone for the consequences of what rudeness to teachers will result in.

Not always. But the majority of the time.

I have been a secondary teacher in a big comp for 20 years and have seen all sorts of reasons for poor behaviour.

Most common are unmet SEN needs or some kind of trauma/difficulty at home. I would say 80% of our kids who are struggling.

We also have children from neglectful homes eg in care who have no behavioural issues and children with really supportive parents who struggle with their behaviour.

Agree with point above - finding a calm time and trying to talk in depth - why is the behaviour happening? Maybe difficult to articulate though.

My son never lies to me. This is because since he was very little I kept telling him that if he mischieved something at school I need to know immediately because I need to prepare the line of the defence 😃. I alway defend him. Always. Like a lioness. Even if I tell him off I will still be on his side. Especially that the teachers report to me bunch of nonsense.

if you asked your DD if she can explain. Is it just in certain lessons, maybe she is bored in some and could be given extra tasks, or maybe she is struggling and these are tactics to divert from that. Hormones affect us all differently and will likely be part of it. My DS became difficult in some lessons at this age, mostly being disorganised and chaotic, tired and having a huge growth spurt, but wasn’t a difficult child in general.

I think the schools opinion of the parents is formed when discussing the behaviour of the child with the parents and their subsequent reaction to hearing the news

Exactly that.

I used to be a teacher and parents of annoying teenagers came in 2 categories. The first one,thought their kids could do no wrong and were clearly so clever and amazing that it was my fault if they misbehaved in my class. Detention/punishments letters came back with long explanation reinforcing how I clearly did not understand their brilliant child. Parent evening meeting were along the same line. The second category were lovely parents who were overwhelmed by the fact their lovely child had turned into a monster overnight and were the first to admit they just did not know what to do with them anymore. I had every sympathy for the second type of parent.

Are the parents to blame. It’s not a simple yes/no answer.

14, year 9. Often not a good age - either for the child in question, those who teach them or their parents.

As a generalisation…..

ys7 and 8. Normally still working for teachers, praise etc.

ys 10 and 11. Hopefully the penny has dropped and they have realised that they are working for their own futures.

y9. No man’s land. Not working for praise, not working for their futures.

I used to joke about the 5 Ps that affect pupils and their outcomes…

Peers
Parents
Puberty
Pot
Promiscuity. Not all apply to every Y9 but you get the idea.

All the best - they do get better - usually. One of ours had her wayward year in Y9. Assistant Head now.

I have two daughters who were both fine through primary school, the eldest started the local high school and was fine for the first few years. Behaviour started to change throughout the whole school with my daughter being one of the naughty ones. Second daughter started and she was in trouble from the start. Forgetting uniform and pens, late to lessons, cheeky….constant detentions. I decided I must be a terrible parent as why would both turn out so bad 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Moved the younger daughter to a different high school and she’s like a different child, never in trouble actually get emails telling me how good she’s been!!!!

Kept my oldest at the local school as she’s in her final year and still constant problems. I think it has a bit to do with catchment area, my dd’s are drawn to the naughty popular crowd which is a lot worse in the local school. They are acting out to fit in with friends. A lot of staff have left and they are trying to crack down on behaviour but unfortunately kids act like the others that are not behaving. It’s difficult to put right.

No, but as long as you support the school and work with them this is the main thing.

Students sometimes have coming of age issues, anger, anxiety (that comes out as rage) etc. working with the school can help, if you’re on their side this will be frankly a relief to them.

kids are not always the same as the parents, often they can be, but not always.

I have never blamed the parents until they have proved that it is their attitude that is causing the issues.

I would imagine, since it’s a grammar school, that there is academic rigour. Do you think the work is too difficult, so she’s being disruptive to avoid showing she doesn’t understand?

It might be just testing the boundaries, but whatever it is, you need to be consistent in your expectations and support the school in theirs.

Honesty mine was awful. But he was bad at home too. I didn't manage him very well. (He has sen) I was definitely partly to blame. I would get frustrated instead of following strategies. My previous comment seems harsh. I meant o was inconsistent and so are lots of parents and you can see that when you meet them

Yes I would blame parents most of the time, the parents I wouldn’t blame are the ones actively engaging with the school to improve the situation

Yes it's usually obvious to teachers which parents have difficult children with no SEN. Either the parents are confrontational and argumentative, or, much more commonly, they're weak-willed floppy and ineffective and I just wish they would grow a backbone and realise they are the adult, their child is not their friend, and that their job is to do the best thing for the child which is to teach that child how to behave so they function effectively in adult society and access the opportunities that arise from being able to function.

Commonly, they say "I don't know what we can do" when what they mean is they don't want to make an effort and have spent maybe 30 seconds thinking about it before going back to looking at something on their phone because it's easier than actually sorting their child out. Or they say "we've tried everything" when they mean they have been inconsistent and never given any approach time to work because they think doing it once or twice will be a magic wand.

When my own child started showing preliminary signs of poor behaviour, I researched everything I got my hands on and tried an approach consistently for weeks until it started to work.

Everyone's child behaves badly sometimes. It's what you do about it that determines the outcome.

Most of the time l do. But not always.

There used to be situations of 2 or 3 children in a family. 2 would be lovely, one would be a wild card. I wouldn’t blame parents in that situation. It was often the youngest.

But whole families of naughty kids? Yep I’d blame parents.

With respect, it doesn't matter what anyone at your child's school thinks of you. Your duty is to do right by your child - address the behaviour in question, but don't be excessively ashamed or dismayed about it. It might not be how you would want your child to behave, especially if you yourself would never have dreamt of behaving in that way, but it's hardly the worst thing in the world on the scale of bad behaviour. It might just be a phase and the school will apply suitable sanctions at school and you can encourage better behaviour at home.

Did you grow up in a household where shame was used as a parenting method, by any chance, OP? I did. My parents were lovely in many ways and they never hit or shouted (as their parents had done to them), but instead we'd get "I was so ashamed today when you were sulking and not being friendly to X" or "I can't believe you and Y were doing this. Do you know how that makes us look as parents?" We were expected to be pleasant, helpful and respectful at all times or our parents made their disappointment clear. It has taken my siblings and I a long time to stop being nervous, unconfident people-pleasers.

Even now, it makes me nervous at parties when I see transgressing children being dragged away by parents scolding about how awful they are and how no one will want to be their friends if they behave like that. I much prefer the parents who call their children over calmly and say "that behaviour is not acceptable. If you do it again, we'll have to leave", rather than taking their children's misbehaviour as a personal insult.