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Original poster

Were your DC keen on a particular private school?

33 replies

PaperDoves · 08/11/2023 19:11

My son is 10 years old, very bright, not at all sporty.

We've visited seven schools, four state and three independent, trying to find the best fit for DS. To be fair he hasn't been especially keen on any of them, but I'm surprised at how completely unimpressed he's been with the private schools with their beautiful buildings, excellent facilities, and over the top attempts to woo us. He is unmoved by any of it -- the academics, the subjects on offer, the clubs, the grounds. I mentioned in passing the incredible modern architecture at one site (I have a weakness for a beautiful building) and he said, "yeah, it's pretty. Doesn't really matter though, does it?"

He prefers our local state option.

I don't think, at 10, he's best placed to pick the right school for himself. But I'm also not inclined to throw so much money at something he's not even moderately enthusiastic about when we have excellent state schools on our doorstep (despite the lack of beautiful buildings). He's a bright child and will undoubtedly do well anywhere.

But is this normal? Do other people's children get excited about a particular school after taking a tour or attending a taster day? Or is that asking too much at age 10? And how much did you take their preferences into account if they were more keen on the nearby state school?

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Original poster
PaperDoves · 09/11/2023 18:33

@RedPanda2022 it sounds like you found an amazing fit for your son! That's fantastic. Do you have a lot of choice near you? We only really have three private options for boys (oddly we have much more choice with state) within a reasonable commute unless you're willing to at least flexiboard (which I absolutely am not at this age).

The state school that we listed as first choice (mine and my husband's, anyway, for DS it's second choice) is also very small and I'm told has amazing SEND support. I have a friend with two children with ASD who both attend and she loves it. I haven't actually spoken to the SENCO though -- DS's diagnosis is only a week old so it wasn't something I felt confident discussing at the time.

The school DS prefers the most is similar to what you describe in that the support is given to students with visible need. My eldest went there and while it's a great school in a lot of ways I'm also aware of its weaknesses, and think he would thrive more in a smaller, more focused environment. It's a lottery though, so he may well end up at either.

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RedPanda2022 · 09/11/2023 14:31

Our ds (currently in prep school and now yr8) has been extensively involved in choosing his next school, to start in yr9. However, we have final say! We have two comprehensives that we would probably get into in the lottery as we are well within catchment, both middling in results/reputation. DS saw state and private options locally (he visited 10 schools in total with us) and was able to give pros/cons of each. Ds has high functioning ASD and his main objection to some of the schools, specifically the three comprehensives and larger privates, was the size. He was clear he wanted a smaller school. There is a vast difference between the schools with 1000-1500 kids and 500ish. The specific facilities were less relevant to him, although he was able to note that some of the private schools offer a much wider array of subjects, clubs, sports, extracurriculars. He was also clear he didn’t want a very pressurising school, I.e. academic hot house.

we applied for several schools in the end and attended open days, went back for individual visits on a school day, went to various events, I tried to speak to current parents at each school and due to ds’ ASD & dyslexia I met with the SENCO at each. Sadly the SENCOs at both state schools said that ds was fine academically and as he has no ‘behavioural issues’ or attendance problems that they couldn’t really do more than have his name on their list of kids with extra needs. I know this is because they are so stretched but it worried me that if ds had difficulties then support would probably not be forthcoming. For obvious reasons the private schools can be more flexible.

DS is going to a private 13-18 coed school next year and they have been great in organising a transition programme for him. He is spending time (a half day or similar) at the new school each half term to familiarise himself with the geography, school day, key staff like SENCO and housemaster. He will be a day pupil but it is a school with boarders so he can stay late for dinner/homework/clubs some nights if desired.

Original poster
PaperDoves · 09/11/2023 14:19

Thank you @Potterinthegarden, I'm sure he will too.

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Potterinthegarden · 09/11/2023 13:40

Your son sounds very sensible. Private schools aren't all that - your sons choice sounds like the best option. An easy commute is extremely valuable - more time to do homework, other activities/hobbies, and chill/relax (important too). I'm sure you son will do well.

Comefromaway · 09/11/2023 13:01

Ds found the commute on top of the homework demands exhausting & it impacted his music/sport activities. Dd is also autistic and she had a worse commute but because she was doing something she loved (her special interest) plus the school had minimal homework demand.

Original poster
PaperDoves · 09/11/2023 12:50

@Comefromaway I'm so sorry your son had a bad experience (but it sounds like he found the right fit in the end!). DS also has ASD, although most people wouldn't notice at first. I was worried he wouldn't be "what they're looking for" but they had nothing but praise after the taster day. He tends to come off as overly intellectual and his social skills, while not great, aren't necessarily noticeable until you've spent a bit of time with him. But I'd absolutely hate to choose the wrong school and have him be miserable there. And he can be incredibly obstinant if he doesn't see the value in an activity the school is asking him to do, so it would quite possibly be a problem down the line.

His ASD is also why I'm completely convinced he would straight up flop the interview. He doesn't see why he should say something that isn't the truth.

And yes, I didn't enjoy the 40 minute drive across town at rush hour either! It's a privilege to be able to walk to school with friends.

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Comefromaway · 09/11/2023 12:13

Also don't under-estimate the problems that an increased travel time can bring

Comefromaway · 09/11/2023 12:11

I think your son sound like he has got his head screwed on.

My dd did have a particular preference, but that was because it was a specialist performing arts/ballet school.

My son went to an academic private school with amazing facilities but he was so unhappy there and they were very poor at dealing with his asd so we moved him to a local state school and for the first time ever he had friends there.

PreplexJ · 09/11/2023 11:11

DD did some extensive research on the schools, mostly private some state when going through the 11+ process. It is not simply visit the school it is via online research, attend exams, open day, taster lessons, school drama or music performance, meeting with prospective and current parents and students, interview, offer holder day etc. I would say is quite comprehensive.

She had her own preference ranking, it some how align with my preference so it kind of work out in the end.

Original poster
PaperDoves · 09/11/2023 09:48

If my top choice was within walking distance I would definitely be pushing for it, and I think he'd be more open to it too.

The exam results at the local state aren't far off the private for high achieving pupils, but it wasn't just about exam results for me. I was hoping he'd be exposed to a wider variety of subjects and sports (he's not sporty and needs to find some way of being active that he actually enjoys) as well as cultural events. Plus the higher expectations for the students and everything that goes along with that. Of course we can fill in a lot of that ourselves, but it requires concerted effort (although maybe not £25k a year's worth of effort).

It will all work out in the end, I'm sure. I'm trying to remember that my eldest also declined private at secondary (despite going to private primary, and despite getting a scholarship), and he's just finished A levels, did amazingly, got into his first choice uni and is happy. I think I'm just taking it harder this time around because I've run out of children to live through vicariously (I probably shouldn't say that out loud, but this entire process has made me do a bit of soul searching as to why exactly I care so much when my child isn't the least bit bothered!).

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Seeline · 09/11/2023 09:12

Mine had ones they definitely didn't like, but no real attraction to the rest.
We looked at state and private but being at state primary they weren't really aware of what 'private' meant, or the implications.
I think they liked the privates because there was lots of cakes and biscuits available whilst looking round but no other reasons.
We did end up going private for both (different schools though) because we felt that they were the best fit for each child in terms of ethos, teaching style etc. We were lucky in that they were actually quicker/easier to get to than our nearest state schools too.

SamPoodle123 · 09/11/2023 09:08

@PaperDoves it is lovely to be able to walk to school and I wish my dd could do that! She has long travel time and so will my ds if he goes to private as well. However, for my dd the travel time is worth it. If your ds is happy to go to a local school and he gets in then that is great.

minipie · 09/11/2023 09:08

Well if he would actually say that at interview it’s game over for that school isn’t it?!

Original poster
PaperDoves · 09/11/2023 09:02

@SamPoodle123 He says he doesn't want the travel time, doesn't want to come home at 6pm, and doesn't think the extra academics are worth it. He ranked my top choice private as his third choice (with his top two choices being state schools) until he found out how much it cost, and is now adamant that there's no reason to spend that much on a school. He's never been deprived and I thought he didn't have much of a concept of money.

When I ask him what he does want in a school, he says he wants to go to a good school, to be happy, and to be able to walk. (He didn't mention the hot chocolate machine at his top choice, which was a small relief for me.)

I've explained the lottery system at length. He knows he might end up with his last choice, although realistically it's nearly certain he'll get one of the top two.

I guess I have to give up on this. If I'm being honest, I'm the one who wants to have gone to the amazing private school, but he and I aren't the same person. Never mind the fact that he would 100% tell the school at interview that he doesn't want to attend. I don't think there's anything I could say to persuade him to try to impress them, he just doesn't operate that way.

I've told him if he changes his mind he can reapply at 13.

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GHSP · 09/11/2023 07:01

I think if you explain about the lottery basis of selection and allow your ds to come up with a top three, and say he can attend whichever he gets a place at, then at least you motivate him to have a decent backup choice if he doesn’t get the comp he wants.

i allowed my dc to choose their secondary schools, but we are in a selective area and two chose grammars, one a public school,so less risk

SamPoodle123 · 09/11/2023 06:56

@PaperDoves forgot to mention, you could use the money not spent on the private options for other things, like any special activities, tutoring, holidays.

SamPoodle123 · 09/11/2023 06:53

@PaperDoves did you ask why he is not interested in the private schools? I would not bother to apply if that is the case! It is so expensive and I think the dc should really want to go. Dd happily leaves extra early daily (most days so she can do morning sports/clubs), but even the one day she can sleep in if she wants, she still goes an hour early. She likes to get hw done there and be there early to see friends. She does not mind the 30-40 mins travel time. I also told her during the time of application nothing is guaranteed. The outstanding state school near us is not guaranteed, so we wanted to have other options. But in the end she was not keen on the state option (after looking online at what all the private schools had to offer).

Now, I am going through the same with my ds. He is prepping because he wants the same opportunity to attend private schools and he is keen. He looks up the sports videos online for the schools.

whatchagonnado · 09/11/2023 06:30

He sounds very mature for his age actually. I would let him make the final choice. He's got a wise head on him

Original poster
PaperDoves · 09/11/2023 06:21

Thanks everyone for your replies.

@Giventoomuchchoice I relate to this very strongly, and I think I'm projecting my own experiences and dreams onto DS. I was taken out of my tiny private school at 13 when we moved and plonked into a good but enormous state school and have never recovered from the experience. I know the reason I didn't do as well as I should have is down to me, my lack of motivation and the choices I made, but at 13 it seems as black and white as "private vs state" and I think that's stuck in my subconscious somewhere.

DS doesn't have any of those hangups, fortunately!

@SamPoodle123 I am very jealous that your DD got so involved! She sounds like she'll go far in life.

I think you're right that we should let him choose. DS is the kind of child who will tell the schools at interview that he doesn't want to attend, so I'm also strongly considering withdrawing our applications.

Unfortunately our secondary system is lottery based, so I've made sure DS knows that he may not get his top choice of school (they're all good schools, but different, and he strongly prefers one over the others). He says he'll be disappointed but he'll just have to accept it, and he still wouldn't want to travel forty minutes each way for any of the private schools on offer.

I need to harness some of his zen energy.

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yikesanotherbooboo · 08/11/2023 21:56

Among other things my DC were attracted by a coffee bar, shooting range, animal house, small campus ( not much walking around). 10 year olds have very different priorities and by far their main one is in my experience anyway, to be the same as their friends. They like the familiarity of the popular choice .

Chattybot · 08/11/2023 21:39

DS really wasn't fussed one way or another to begin with about any of the state schools or private schools that we visited at that age. He would happily have gone to any of them.

Then we went to the Open Day at one particular private school and he was hooked. They had loads of extracurriculars (basically anything you wanted to do, within reason, they would facilitate) and were really proactive and enthusiastic.

Thank God he did get an offer and it did turn out to be a brilliant school for him.

But yes, he was blind to the rolling acres and fancy buildings. I think most of them are at that age, and rightly so.

SausageinaBun · 08/11/2023 21:30

We looked at and applied to two for DD1. We saw lots of positives in both and encouraged her to see them too, but also encouraged her not to develop a preference as we weren't sure where she would get in. It wasn't until she got into both and had a choice that we listed pros and cons for both and she chose the one we preferred too.

But our only realistic state option is dire and she'd heard about it from friends and her best friend was moving abroad, so the state option didn't have any pull.

BonjourCrisette · 08/11/2023 20:59

DD had one school that she liked more than any other we saw, and we looked at lots. I was happy with nearly all of them so let her pick (happily she did get an offer from the one she liked).

OhCrumbsWhereNow · 08/11/2023 20:50

DD was far more sensible than me.

I am a complete sucker for acres of playing fields and a hall straight out of Hogwarts. DD told me to just keep paying for the National Trust membership...

There was one she really liked, but the state comp she went with was her top pick. 4 years on, she was totally correct and even if we'd won the lottery I wouldn't have chosen to move her.

Only one child from her primary went there and they weren't friends so definitely not influenced by that.

She was sitting music scholarships so we did see an awful lot of schools across state and private and I was interested that we ended up with a very similar preference list - happily we all agreed on the final choices.

JustAMinutePleass · 08/11/2023 20:16

At 10 your hands are tied because unless there are major problems of course your child will want to go wherever their friends are. It’s why we chose the Private Selective School from the beginning - but I’m aware we were fortunate enough to be able to afford it and have one on our doorstep.