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Original poster

Ex is applying for schools that will make it difficult for DD and me

217 replies

lonerdottierebel · 27/10/2023 09:37

Applications for secondary schools close on Tuesday 31st. My ex has custody and is leaving it until the last minute to make the application. They have purposefully been elusive about it, giving me tiny bits of information to make it look like they are involving me so that it appears that way to a judge (should it come to that), making it difficult for me to prove otherwise. This is a common tactic of theirs and is very frustrating. On top of that, the two schools she is favouring most (as is DD because she does whatever will make ex happy), are in locations that would make it very difficult for our daughter to come to me two nights a week as per court order.

A minimum of two buses is required with substantial walking between bus stops. A forty minute journey each way minimum. I have explained this to my ex who sees this as an opportunity to alienate me further, as we both know that DD, who although says that journey will be fine and although it's only three trips altogether (two back to mine, one to school), will soon tire of it, and when it gets to the school day ending, and she's tired, and the choice is between walking five minutes back to my ex's or making multiple walks and bus journeys to get to mine, she is going to choose the easy option, and could you blame her?

So, what can I do? I have tried being polite with my ex and I have tried being firm. It's on record that I have opposed her school choices and for fair reason. There are schools that more central with more direct and accessible bus routes to both ends of the city (I live one end, ex lives the other). I've reminded them that they are leaving it to the last minute. They know this but are doing it purposefully. I have contacted my solicitor who is on holiday.

In the meantime, what are my rights? I have PR, but not custody. Can I make an application myself listing more reasonably-located schools? If so, how does that affect my ex's application? And just looking for advice in general. I appreciate that as I don't have custody their might not be much I can do but thought it was worth asking around whilst my solicitor is away.

I should also add that for personal reasons I am physically unable to drive and taxis across town will quickly become too expensive to sustain. I have contacted the council about support with transport, but they only offer that to the resident parent. Otherwise, the children are expect to get a public bus. This is all new to me as I grow up in a more rural location with designated school buses that took us from our homes straight to the school gates. I didn't realise I'd been so privileged until now!

Lastly, there is has been an ongoing campaign to alienate me from DD since her birth. On a few occasions we have spent months apart from wedges that have been driven between us for no good reason and it has taken a lot of work to undo the damage. So please bare that in mind when responding. This is a continuation of that alienation.

OP posts:
IncomingTraffic · 27/10/2023 10:36

I appreciate what everyone is saying. However, my point with her going to a more central school was that it would be accessible from both homes.

Your DD is unlikely to get in to any school that isn’t near her mother’s home.

People have explained this to you. But still your response is that more central would be easier for you - and then a big complaint about alienation (complete with a tone of contempt for these difficult women responding to you).

Rather than focusing on how awful your ex is and how everything is against you, maybe focus on the positive relationship you can have with your daughter.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/10/2023 10:33

No court or LA would side with you on this so best to look at things you can do to change your circumstances like learning to drive, moving closer or requesting a change of contact days.
Your post is entirely self centered so I'm not surprised if you ex has resorted to these methods tbh, grow up.

IncomingTraffic · 27/10/2023 10:31

I’m not entirely convinced that he loud shouting about alienation is accurate. All too often it is a petulant, playing the victim response to anyone setting boundaries and not centring the supposedly ‘alienated’ parent.

CameleonAreFightingBack · 27/10/2023 10:31

I don’t know where you live but i suspect that there isn’t much choice of which schools to apply to due to catchment areas.

Where I live, there is one secondary school that you know you’ll get in.
The others are ‘possible’ but oversubscribed.
So basically you have no choice…

So there might be schools between you and your ex but they might well not be ‘available’.

Also there is no point applying early for schools so there isn’t such a thing as ‘leaving it late/to the last minute’. Applications will be evaluated once the deadline has passed and nit before. Applying early won’t make any difference.

Original poster
lonerdottierebel · 27/10/2023 10:30

I appreciate what everyone is saying. However, my point with her going to a more central school was that it would be accessible from both homes.

Regarding friends. Absolutely, that it is very important. The current school choice means she wouldn't be going to the same secondary school as any of her primary school friends. Her primary school is actually in my area of the city (ex's choice - she was in a school more central between both homes before that but ex wanted to move her - that's a rabbit hole we could get lost down right now). I still don't expect her to go the secondary school in the same area if it will cause issues.

I do understand where people are coming from with thinking about myself, but I can only promise you all that's not the case. As I said, parental alienation is at play, and DD and I are currently maintaining a relationship only by a thread and with outside support. I am thinking about how this will make it easier for our relationship to be torn. If I didn't have such a genuine concern and with good reason considering what DD and I have both been put through already, I wouldn't be so worried. I want DD to have a healthy relationship with both parents, and so yes, that does include me, and why shouldn't it? Does DD not deserve both parents? I won't be responding to anymore accusations like this. DD and I are going through hell enough because of what my ex has been doing over the years. This isn't being bitter, it's a child and parent put under the constant threat of their relationship being torn apart. A quick Google search will explain what parental alienation is, just how severe it can become, and the things that need to be carefully considered in order for that to worsen. It is a form of abuse towards the child.

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 27/10/2023 10:25

No, you can't make a counter application. Only the resident parent can apply.

Catchment areas can be quite small, as PPs have said. Your DD needs to go to the school in the area where she lives and where her friends are. She won't get a place nearer to you, and even if she could, why would you want to do that to her? It's not her fault you live that distance from the school.

Chewbecca · 27/10/2023 10:25

Pretty normal to go to a school a short walk from home.
40min bus ride is also fine for a secondary kid.

Just eave it to the child and their mother.

Rhythmisadancer · 27/10/2023 10:22

not a single mention of the pros and cons of any school other than how they rate re convenience for you. Are you sure being a selfish arse isn't the alienating factor?

Beautiful3 · 27/10/2023 10:22

I'm sorry but this isn't about you. Its about what's best for your daughter. It makes sense for her to go to a good local (to her main home) school. Where she'll be able to see her local friends, and walk/travel to easily on a daily basis. They are not going to choose a school just because it's closer to you?! You really do have your priorities wrong. The court awarded your ex with custody, this would have been for a good reason. Perhaps you could see your daughter at the weekends instead?

AmazingSnakeHead · 27/10/2023 10:21

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 27/10/2023 10:00

Why does he have primary custody?

Sadly MN is suddenly full to the brim with men looking to get other women's validation in their battles with exes and partners. You can't assume that you're reading a post written by a woman, and in this instance he calls the ex "she".

Imperfectp3rf3ction · 27/10/2023 10:18

I'm pretty sure unless grammar schools it goes via catchment area which makes sense she would absolutely apply for the one 5 minutes away. You could relocate to be closer ?

Wishitsnows · 27/10/2023 10:17

There is no point in trying to pursue this through court as at your DDs age it will be up to her if she wants contact. Sounds like you are thinking about yourself. You would rather have your DD have a more difficult commute everyday so it’s closer to your house? Why can you not pick your DD up rather than her taking buses and walking? It does seem all about you rather than the best interests of DD.

AmazingSnakeHead · 27/10/2023 10:17

It does make sense for her to be at the school that is closest to where she lives. She'll do 3 journeys to/from your house, compared to all the rest from her main residence. And all her friends will live hear her.

itsgettingweird · 27/10/2023 10:15

Ostryga · 27/10/2023 09:54

Can you change the court ordered days so that you have Fridays and weekend days, or maybe one in the week and another weekend so your Dd doesn’t have to do the long journey too often?

I do think Dd should be going to a school that she is closest to the majority of the time. No point making her journey longer for 2 days a week.

Remember that it’s Dd that has to come first, even if you and your ex are at loggerheads go into every decision thinking of what benefits Dd most. A longer journey twice a week so she can live close to school the rest of the time is better than medium journeys every day to make life easier for her parents.

This is what I was thinking.

Rather than fight the school - which the LA allocates anyway regardless of the illusion of choice - put in an application to change the contact order.

Much easier to say that you understand those journeys will be hard for DD during the week so would like to change to EOW F-M and then consider the school holidays too.

clary · 27/10/2023 10:15

Yes I meant to say, is there any scope for you to move nearer @lonerdottierebel or for you to change the days your DD is with you to make it easier?

Spookymormonhelldream · 27/10/2023 10:15

Have you considered which school would actually be best for your DD’s social, cultural, academic education? Your ex will have a far better idea than you given she spends most time with your DD.
Nothing in your post refers to anything other than logistics, and whinging. you sound very selfish, you’re not putting your daughter’s needs first.
Think of your daughter and not yourself. I bet there’s a damn good reading your ex doesn’t want your daughter spending more time with you.

Choconuttolata · 27/10/2023 10:13

My school was miles from my Dad's house and I would either do a 30 minute walk and one bus or two buses to get to his one weekday after school and every other weekend there after school and back to school on Monday. It took the best part of an hour to travel due to the route across the city. My brother was in a different school and did two buses there and back. It is doable.

Secondary school catchments can be quite limited and an application for a local school isn't done your DD may end up without a place at all. This happened to me because I applied out of local catchment area for my first choice and ended up with no school, appealing was very stressful and the school I was offered by the council was awful and miles away. Luckily a place came up in my nearest school, but it was not easy not knowing at a time when I was already stressed about starting secondary. Think about what is best for your DD in this. If she goes to a local school she will be with her friends.

Laurdo · 27/10/2023 10:11

I'm assuming her primary school at the moment isn't central so how is she managing getting to yours?

I have personal experience of parental alienation and it absolutely boils my blood, however I think in this case it's more about DD going to school with her friends and closer to the home she stays at most often rather than making travelling to you more difficult.

You could change the schedule so she's coming to you on a Friday and staying the whole weekend rather than midweek. The issue with that is that they then get to an age where they want to go out with friends on the weekend so stop coming through.

Would it be possible for you to move? Even so that she only needs one bus?

It's difficult and I really feel for you. It's truly awful when mum's make contact difficult and try to alienate the other parent.

VerityUnreasonble · 27/10/2023 10:11

You are not thinking of your DD here. Only yourself.

Surely DD would prefer to be in a school close to where she lives the majority of the week and where her friends are likely to be going?

There are 10 journeys to / from school each week. Given the option of 7 x 5 minutes walk + 3 longer journeys or 10 × a longer journey (20 minutes daily? I have no idea what schools you are suggesting but let's say about half the distance). I know which I would choose.

Maybe you have been subject to alienation before and it is skewing your view but this doesn't sound like it.

IncomingTraffic · 27/10/2023 10:10

Shewhobecamethesun · 27/10/2023 10:04

No genders are mentioned. I presume OP is the dad and mum has residency.
OP please correct me if I'm wrong

Show quote history

The OP says: ‘It's on record that I have opposed her school choices and for fair reason.’

The tone and content of the OP suggests that he’s not easy to co-parent with.

Lookatmytoes · 27/10/2023 10:08

in most areas now unless you apply for your nearest school then you risk not getting a place at all. I have four schools near me but all are over subscribed so if I don’t pick my nearest I could end up anywhere in the city. This happened to a friend who got the special measure comp on an estate on the other side of the city. Prob the nearest with space.

Your child comes first so worry about livelihood of getting in, how she feels and what the school is like. Many primary’s feed into s small Humber of high schools so if she can stay with friends than this can help with the transition.

PissOffKen · 27/10/2023 10:08

Why would she choose schools that are convenient for you, rather than the best schools for your child? Your OP is focused solely on your wants and your animus towards your ex, there’s nothing actually in there about your child or her needs and best interests.

DelilahBucket · 27/10/2023 10:07

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 27/10/2023 10:00

Why does he have primary custody?

I'm guessing OP is the father as the post mentions the ex being a "she".

DelilahBucket · 27/10/2023 10:06

You are not thinking of your DD here at all, just yourself. Get a grip because no court is going to side with you on this, as outlined in many of the excellent previous posts. Clearly you are still bitter about your ex but that is your problem and you shouldn't be making it anything to do with your DD.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 27/10/2023 10:05

I completely forgot about catchment rules too - yeah, in my city she would get a place near her home, if you put your address as the primary residence she'd get a school near your home, but there's not a snowball in hell's chance of getting a school 'in the middle'. Just doesn't work like that.