Ex is applying for schools that will make it difficult for DD and me

If she’s with you 2 nights and with your ex 5 nights surely it’s better for the school to be nearer them and not you?

What's the best school for your daughter? That's what I would ask. Where will her friends go and which will be easier on a daily basis.

TBF lots of fathers have this mentality. Mine never paid a penny in CM.

All the onus is on the poor kid to maintain a relationship with her father. He chose to live across town, and can't drive, and so he wants her to make all the running in their relationship - and massively inconvenience herself by going to a school that's near his house instead of her own, even though it'll mean a long bus ride every day for her, which also costs money (that I doubt he is offering to pay). I know from bitter experience - with my own father when I was a teen, who also had a huge victim complex post-divorce - that being forced to put all the effort in AND also made to feel guilty all the time completely destroys any chance of having a good father-daughter relationship. I expect this will fall on deaf ears though, it usually does.

why can't she come to you 2 nights a week on the weekend? problem solved

I’m sorry but the following points are the ones that matter:

1. which school is the better fit for DD
2. it sounds like a school 5 min walk would be good (depending where she lives this might be the only option anyway - catchment is the only available school round here).
3. having local friends in secondary school is v important- these are likely to be near friends in secondary anyway
4. its important to have time after school for after school clubs/homework - this will be easier in a local school.

Maybe look at moving yourself nearer your DD. Unfortunately for you, as friendships take over she will want to spend more time with them so living nearer you DD will have Benefits there. If you were closer and thought more about what was good for your DD (your post is all about you not about your DDs best interests at all) then no one could alienate you.

@Viviennemary and that would make you a twat who compromises their child's standard of living on a pay-per-view whim.

The mother may not be right but the other parent still needs to contribute.

You would stop supporting your child. Wow. I've read it all now.

I would stop paying maintenance if I thought the other person was being deliberately awkward and spiteful.

Don't you want what is best for DD
Obviously it is best she goes to school 5 minutes from home .
So she can have an actual life outside school ,and not spend hours traveling

So she's picking the school option that is nearest her home? That is clearly the sensible option.

You're opposing this because it's inconvenient for YOU. Nothing to do with what's best for your daughter.

You'll have to find the money to fork out for those taxis.

How do you deduce that the father has custody?

“I have opposed her school choices”

The other consideration, OP, is that from next year, or at least age 13, it will be up to your dd where she lives. She could choose to come and live with you, and change schools.

If your daughter is 'a child put under the constant threat of their relationship being torn apart' she will be able to make the choice to move for herself.

Until then, I think you'll have to make the best of it because the school system just isn't set up to accommodate what you suggest. Adopt breezy good grace and try to make it work.

Schools are allocated according to their admission criteria. The primary criteria usually begin with SEND, LAC, siblings, distance. Faith schools will have other criteria included.

Theres no point in putting a preference for a school that is outside the catchment of the child’s main address and the address from which the application will be made.

Whether or not it’s convenient to you and whether or not you are able to drive doesn’t feature in the allocation.

You seem to think OP, that you can choose a school as you choose apples in the supermarket. You can’t. As a PP said, you express a preference and if that preference fulfils the criteria, a place is offered. People frequently talk about choosing schools. You’re really not choosing, you’re selecting which you prefer. Clearly your ex and daughter are expressing a preference based on what meets the criteria, based on where they live.

Oh Lordy, please don't come onto MN and try to mansplain parental alienation, a disputed term that many men use as a stick to beat abused women with.

What's the reason you've not got shared custody. You're making it all about you. Of course she'll apply for a school near her home.

I have been in a similar situation to the one described in the OP. The first responsibility is to the child and her education. Spending 2 nights a week with another parent if that involves a lot of public transport is not realistic.

I've read your posts @lonerdottierebel and have seen the horrid MN pile on. I'm sorry that's happening for you when I can understand why you're asking for advice.

My advice is to try to look objectively at what is best for your DD. My two had to catch 2 buses every day to get to and from school. But they loved the school, so were happy to endure the journey.

Your DD is at the age where she knows her own mind. A school 5min walk away sounds bliss. And is likely to be the one which she is allocated by county. When you've spoken to her about this, what does she really think? If you believe she's made her school choice as it's what your ex wants, what has lead you to believe that?

I only ask as my DD stopped seeing her dad as he was being a dick about these sorts of things. She was old enough to know her own mind. Ex accused me of turning her against him, but I loved her too much to do that. I still believe she needs both parents in her life, but she now does that with her dad via Insta chat rather than IRL. She was old enough to work out what was happening and make her own decisions about his behaviour.

I don't wish the same for you, so be very careful how you tread around this one. Talk to your DD then listen listen listen. What does she want? How can you best support that? As that's what she wants you to do, to listen then act on what she says.

All the best.

Your daughter does deserve a relationship with both parents however YOU will have to change something in YOUR life to accommodate that for her.
Your ex is not choosing local schools within her catchment area to alienate you.
If you can't drive for medical reasons I suggest you apply for PIP if you aren't already, it's a non means tested benefit that could help you with additional travel costs for contact days.
Also look into your local authorities threshold for free bus pass for yourself.

You completely ignored the suggestion of moving or changing contact days which are also far more reasonable changes you could make, why is that?

Lastly, I do not believe your daughter is suffering at the hands or actions of her mother in choosing a local school.

If you can't drive, could you move house to be closer to your DD? Your DD to should be at a school local to the resident parent. I think you need to stop focusing so much on court orders, your DD is about to become a teen and you will need to accept that DD needs to see you on her terms rather than because she has a legal obligation, which will not make for a good relationship.

Did you go to any of the open evenings at ay of these schools?
Do you know what their ethos is?
Do oyu know what facilities they have?
What GSCEs they offer?
What their results are?
What extra curriculars they offer?
How they would fit with your DDs style of learning, interests and hobbies?
Where your DD would fit on their admissions criteria?

These are the things to look at when choosing a school - not the one to make your life easier.

Anyway, we have no idea this poster is a man, although............. the mansplaining is a bit of a give away.

Thank you @fedupandstuck for articulating it so beautifully

@Anewuser I'm not sure what man hating has to do with this. The advice would be the same regardless based on who has custody and the age of the child in question. I certainly don't hate men.

The daughter should be trudging in the cold and dark( winter is here!) every day as opposed to 2 days a week when she can just walk 5 minutes home.

Your DD is going to want to walk 5 minutes to school with her friends, of course she is!

Why not have her come to yours at weekends?

You’re getting a hard time here OP, sorry. I don’t think you’ve said you’re a man but an awful lot of MNers hate men.
😂Oh I love myself a decent man, luckily I have them in my life, my father, brother, dh and sons.

Most of us know this type of single dad from our kids' school. Op comes across as only thinking of his self perceived victimisation. What he doesn't realise is that his daughter doesn't owe him anything, least of all a relationship.

If he wants to nurture a healthy and respectful father daughter relationship, he can start by supporting his ex with her school choices. That would be a very positive first step.