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Original poster

Ex is applying for schools that will make it difficult for DD and me

217 replies

lonerdottierebel · 27/10/2023 09:37

Applications for secondary schools close on Tuesday 31st. My ex has custody and is leaving it until the last minute to make the application. They have purposefully been elusive about it, giving me tiny bits of information to make it look like they are involving me so that it appears that way to a judge (should it come to that), making it difficult for me to prove otherwise. This is a common tactic of theirs and is very frustrating. On top of that, the two schools she is favouring most (as is DD because she does whatever will make ex happy), are in locations that would make it very difficult for our daughter to come to me two nights a week as per court order.

A minimum of two buses is required with substantial walking between bus stops. A forty minute journey each way minimum. I have explained this to my ex who sees this as an opportunity to alienate me further, as we both know that DD, who although says that journey will be fine and although it's only three trips altogether (two back to mine, one to school), will soon tire of it, and when it gets to the school day ending, and she's tired, and the choice is between walking five minutes back to my ex's or making multiple walks and bus journeys to get to mine, she is going to choose the easy option, and could you blame her?

So, what can I do? I have tried being polite with my ex and I have tried being firm. It's on record that I have opposed her school choices and for fair reason. There are schools that more central with more direct and accessible bus routes to both ends of the city (I live one end, ex lives the other). I've reminded them that they are leaving it to the last minute. They know this but are doing it purposefully. I have contacted my solicitor who is on holiday.

In the meantime, what are my rights? I have PR, but not custody. Can I make an application myself listing more reasonably-located schools? If so, how does that affect my ex's application? And just looking for advice in general. I appreciate that as I don't have custody their might not be much I can do but thought it was worth asking around whilst my solicitor is away.

I should also add that for personal reasons I am physically unable to drive and taxis across town will quickly become too expensive to sustain. I have contacted the council about support with transport, but they only offer that to the resident parent. Otherwise, the children are expect to get a public bus. This is all new to me as I grow up in a more rural location with designated school buses that took us from our homes straight to the school gates. I didn't realise I'd been so privileged until now!

Lastly, there is has been an ongoing campaign to alienate me from DD since her birth. On a few occasions we have spent months apart from wedges that have been driven between us for no good reason and it has taken a lot of work to undo the damage. So please bare that in mind when responding. This is a continuation of that alienation.

OP posts:
HarpieDuJour · 27/10/2023 14:08

horseyhorsey17 · 27/10/2023 11:57

It's not exactly working for him, to be fair. It's very obvious what he's doing and what type of a man/father he is.

Show quote history

Right enough!😄

HesDeadBenYouCanStopNow · 27/10/2023 14:06

RandomMess · 27/10/2023 13:52

What's to stop you submitting an application for first? If you have parental authority presumably you can?

Given the selfish, petty reasons given for wanting to control the school choice, none of which centre the child that is terrible advice for the child involved.

Takeachance18 · 27/10/2023 14:04

Where do the children where she currently lives go to school? In secondary children make their own friends, arrange meet ups etc, parents are not very involved. Even if the more central school is put down first, it is likely that the closest school to your ex will be allocated if listed as a preference, unless lots of children don't go to their local school.

Which school is best suited to her needs/ interests, it can be worth children travelling because of an interest like drama, if a school offers a better drama offering or if languages are more widely offered - don't limit options based on location, select the schools suited to your daughter. If you push towards a school she doesn't want, she will more likely rebel against you and if her other parent has pushed the closest school, but she would rather try to move with her friends that could also lead to issues and again if she moves, your daughter may not want to move schools as she is settled so will end up travelling any way from wherever.

Part of parenting is helping them become independent not dictating, so as long as nearest current school is not unsuitable for your daughter, don't push too hard.

Feraldogmum · 27/10/2023 14:03

Whilst its difficult for you ,you cannot expect your ex to send your daughter to a school, miles away from her main home, to make it easier on you. Going to school somewhere not local ,will mean her friends are not local, you're not really thinking of her in this situation are you?
Sorry but you need to sort the travel out and take some responsibility, if you cannot even do that how can you even parent properly.

roseopose · 27/10/2023 14:01

LaviniasBigBloomers · 27/10/2023 11:27

Oh Lordy, please don't come onto MN and try to mansplain parental alienation, a disputed term that many men use as a stick to beat abused women with.

Quite. I was on some training about working with perpetrators of abuse and it was raised as part of the training that parental alienation, whilst often a valid concern, is all too easily used by abusive men in circumstances where the mother is desperately trying to shield the child from abuse. Apparently they are also offering training in this to magistrates. Not to say of course that you are abusive OP. Just another perspective.

SheilaFentiman · 27/10/2023 13:55

Baconisdelicious · 27/10/2023 13:52

You need to look at the admissions criteria for all the schools you are considering. Then, phone the school and ask about how wide their catchment is as a general rule and whether the school is over-subscribed. You should then be able to work out the likelihood of your daughter getting in the school you want. I don’t think a judge would necessarily disagree with a more central school, providing you are likely to get a place. But that’s the key - a judge is not able to actually get your child a place at your preferred school, just order that an application is made if they consider that a reasonable thing to do.

What you need to realise is that if you put down a number of schools your child is unlikely to get into, she could end up being allocated a school that doesn’t work for anyone and there will be nothing to be done about that because you’ve wasted your opportunities.

Do your homework. Fast,

Last distance admitted by school is usually online. Schools are on half term this week, no point calling.

Nowherenew · 27/10/2023 13:54

If she’s choosing a school that is local to her home where DD stays for most of the week, then I think it’s fine.

But if she’s choosing one that’s further away from her home and even further from yours, then she’s being selfish and not thinking of what’s best for DD.

I’m sorry that you are being alienated and a central school would be easier for DD but when it comes to free school transport there are quite strict rules in place.
I have to pay for a taxi (which costs me a fortune) because even though our estate is within the catchment area, my front door isn’t and so they won’t put on school transport and there are no buses.

If ex puts DD in a school in the middle, it will not be the local school and therefore she’d have to pay for transport every day for the next 5 years.

A court is going to say that the best school is one closer to her residential home.

Would it be possible that you take her for tea one afternoon a week but not have her overnights and possibly have her more on the weekends/holidays to make up for it?

SheilaFentiman · 27/10/2023 13:54

RandomMess · 27/10/2023 13:52

What's to stop you submitting an application for first? If you have parental authority presumably you can?

Because the child's primary address is her mum's address. An application from OP's address would be fraudulent and the place might well get withdrawn, if it even got as far as being granted.

TeenDivided · 27/10/2023 13:54

RandomMess · 27/10/2023 13:52

What's to stop you submitting an application for first? If you have parental authority presumably you can?

because the DC isn't primarily resident with the OP.

Baconisdelicious · 27/10/2023 13:52

You need to look at the admissions criteria for all the schools you are considering. Then, phone the school and ask about how wide their catchment is as a general rule and whether the school is over-subscribed. You should then be able to work out the likelihood of your daughter getting in the school you want. I don’t think a judge would necessarily disagree with a more central school, providing you are likely to get a place. But that’s the key - a judge is not able to actually get your child a place at your preferred school, just order that an application is made if they consider that a reasonable thing to do.

What you need to realise is that if you put down a number of schools your child is unlikely to get into, she could end up being allocated a school that doesn’t work for anyone and there will be nothing to be done about that because you’ve wasted your opportunities.

Do your homework. Fast,

RandomMess · 27/10/2023 13:52

What's to stop you submitting an application for first? If you have parental authority presumably you can?

SheilaFentiman · 27/10/2023 13:49

Malarandras · 27/10/2023 13:43

This is an easy one surely - your daughter goes to the school that’s best for her. You, and her mum, work around that. End of discussion.

It's clearly not that straightforward - parents do not get their choice of schools, they get to express a preference. Even if they both agreed the schools near OP were better, that is not the DD's primary address.

Natsku · 27/10/2023 13:48

Keep going down the path you're going and the problem will be solved for you - your DD won't want to see you at all so no more logistics problems. It is utterly selfish to make your DD have a longer journey to school every single day just so its slightly shorter on the days she goes to yours, which might not even last for much longer as she gets older and wants to spend more time with her friends.

Malarandras · 27/10/2023 13:43

This is an easy one surely - your daughter goes to the school that’s best for her. You, and her mum, work around that. End of discussion.

HesDeadBenYouCanStopNow · 27/10/2023 13:43

From age 11 contact is all about what the child wants. So if your child wants to change the days of the week, how often etc then a court would almost certainly grant it. Including if they chose not to see you anymore.

Generally at this age the child will influence the contact that you get, so if changing days of the week makes travel easier and less unpleasant than they may choose that. It shouldn't need a court order at this age

fedupandstuck · 27/10/2023 13:41

@lonerdottierebel any chance you can answer the questions about the catchment and application criteria for the school you would prefer, as well as the same for the school your ex is choosing?

Original poster
lonerdottierebel · 27/10/2023 13:39

TomatoSandwiches · 27/10/2023 11:19

Your daughter does deserve a relationship with both parents however YOU will have to change something in YOUR life to accommodate that for her.
Your ex is not choosing local schools within her catchment area to alienate you.
If you can't drive for medical reasons I suggest you apply for PIP if you aren't already, it's a non means tested benefit that could help you with additional travel costs for contact days.
Also look into your local authorities threshold for free bus pass for yourself.

You completely ignored the suggestion of moving or changing contact days which are also far more reasonable changes you could make, why is that?

Lastly, I do not believe your daughter is suffering at the hands or actions of her mother in choosing a local school.

Edited

I have PIP. It doesn't go as far as you think it does. I'm down to £0 most weeks because I have to just do one round taxi trip a week with my daughter to drop her back home. Buses don't work for me as with my disability the way it is I need a door to door service.

My ex has a history of frequently moving house. As soon as I move, she will move again. This is also reason for a more central school, as I don't foresee them living in the same area of the city for the entire time DD is at secondary.

I hadn't mentioned changing contact days because sadly that's not the easy fix that everyone is making out. It would require a court application which I would rather avoid. My ex has never been one to do things to help without a judge weighing in, otherwise I would obviously ask for that.

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 27/10/2023 13:36

lonerdottierebel · 27/10/2023 10:30

I appreciate what everyone is saying. However, my point with her going to a more central school was that it would be accessible from both homes.

Regarding friends. Absolutely, that it is very important. The current school choice means she wouldn't be going to the same secondary school as any of her primary school friends. Her primary school is actually in my area of the city (ex's choice - she was in a school more central between both homes before that but ex wanted to move her - that's a rabbit hole we could get lost down right now). I still don't expect her to go the secondary school in the same area if it will cause issues.

I do understand where people are coming from with thinking about myself, but I can only promise you all that's not the case. As I said, parental alienation is at play, and DD and I are currently maintaining a relationship only by a thread and with outside support. I am thinking about how this will make it easier for our relationship to be torn. If I didn't have such a genuine concern and with good reason considering what DD and I have both been put through already, I wouldn't be so worried. I want DD to have a healthy relationship with both parents, and so yes, that does include me, and why shouldn't it? Does DD not deserve both parents? I won't be responding to anymore accusations like this. DD and I are going through hell enough because of what my ex has been doing over the years. This isn't being bitter, it's a child and parent put under the constant threat of their relationship being torn apart. A quick Google search will explain what parental alienation is, just how severe it can become, and the things that need to be carefully considered in order for that to worsen. It is a form of abuse towards the child.

Parental alienation is a massively discredited theory used by abusive men to explain why their children don’t want to see them.

I am hugely suspicious of anyone claiming it.

caringcarer · 27/10/2023 13:34

Which school is best for DC? 30 mins travel is pretty normal for secondary school DC.

SheilaFentiman · 27/10/2023 13:32

Zodfa · 27/10/2023 13:30

It sounds like your daughter - who is the most important person to consider - will have an average journey time to/from school of around 15 minutes (5 minutes seven times a week and 40 minutes the rest of the time). That is hardly unusual. Are there actually other schools which would allow her to spend less time travelling overall, considering she has to travel to school from both parents' houses?

great post

HashtagShitShop · 27/10/2023 13:31

Your daughter is more likely to be placed in the ones nearest her mother's address as it is the resident parent address and there will be catchment areas for each school.

As you are not the resident parent, you living a distance away will make no difference to the decisions made for her school place.

My parents tried for two schools that were slightly further away but I was placed in one that was nearer to the house (the nearest secondary school) and they had to appeal like mad for me to get a different school as it was a bad reputation school back then with very low marks and well known for a lot of bullying (mid 90s).

Zodfa · 27/10/2023 13:30

It sounds like your daughter - who is the most important person to consider - will have an average journey time to/from school of around 15 minutes (5 minutes seven times a week and 40 minutes the rest of the time). That is hardly unusual. Are there actually other schools which would allow her to spend less time travelling overall, considering she has to travel to school from both parents' houses?

horseyhorsey17 · 27/10/2023 13:29

weirdoboelady · 27/10/2023 12:42

Honestly, a 40 min bus journey won't hurt her. At that age I did a 90 min train journey (several changes, lots of waiting around and cancelled trains extending the journey still further) each way to school every day, so I am struggling to understand the problem, really.

Edited

That sounds bloody awful. No teenager should have to spend three hours travelling every day, especially just to go to a bog standard comprehensive whene there are plenty nearer her home. I had a job in a different county once that was an hour and a half's travel there and back, and I only lasted six months before I was totally fed up with it, and I got paid for that!

I bet this victim dad won't be paying for her transport either.

Lucyintheskywithadiamond · 27/10/2023 13:27

Sounds like your DD other parent is selecting a school that is better and more suitable for your DD. I don’t think your needs should be part of the thought process to be fair. If I was in their situation I would be the same.

SheilaFentiman · 27/10/2023 13:23

Oh, and there is no benefit in completing the application before the deadline. All rank equally as long as they are not 'late' and lots of people do it in the October half term after having gone to school open evenings in Sept and Oct.