What to do with my DS who is heading towards GCSE failure

Why not talk to him and ask him what he wants to do after school finishes. Then take him for a visit on an open day to a local tech college. He will make a very good living as a plumber, electrician, carpenter, whatever. Give
Him something to aspire to so he doesn't internalise this idea that he is a worthless failure defined by Y11 achievements alone. As an aside, I know plenty of people worth a great deal more than me financially who went that route. Written off at school, poor grades, minted now as they can actually do useful things in the world. I went to university, I've got qualifications coming out of my ears. I'm doing well but I also know lots of people in their 30s and 40s who got nothing useful from it and bags of debt. Doing well at school is not the best all and end all of life.

Am not going to lie I bribed my last child! £10 per GCSE (this was 10 years ago) and an extra £50 if they got a C and above for English and Maths. She got 12 GCSES cost me a blooming fortune! Same girl now earns more than me 😂

Thanks @yawnanotherone see you all there!

I've started a thread, I don't know how to link it though! Title should be self explanatory - see you there

Even now in year 13, ds has to be told exactly what to do before he can revise - otherwise revision is too unstructured for him and he doesn't know where to start. He also feels he has to do one subject at a time all the way through before moving on.

I'm not sure if this is true for others but ds is very motivated by short term goals as long as he's bought into them for himself (eg attaining a new bench weight or learning a piece on the piano). The challenge with his GCSEs was persuading him they were worth his time and effort so we had his buy in. We had to look at potential jobs to demonstrate what qualifications they needed and also decide on A Levels that might interest him, so that he could see he needed 6s in English and Maths. This was all in year 11 though, in year 10 he still thought it was all a con and they were utterly pointless.

And year 12 was also a dead loss as the goal of A Levels was far too far away. He wouldn't even revise for his mocks in the January just gone, as they didn't matter. But once he's bought into something he really goes for it, as long as the effort doesn't last too many months. As long as it doesn't involve any planning or organising of materials!

I'm not sure if any of your sons are like this, so it may be irrelevant, but it's helped us to help ds.

@crazycrofter thank you for your insights! I can’t tel you how much I’m dreading the next 3 years. I’m hoping he will find some motivation. So much can change in 3 years but it’s common for kids with profile to crash at some point. I feel so worried.

@yawnanotherone thano you for offering to start a thread. I’d happily join.

I have found the GCSE sub on Reddit really useful for finding out about which teachers to follow, which sites have exam papers. I’m planning to get exam papers and model answers from the start. There are sites which arrange all previous years’ questions by topics, so you have the full range of what to expect. Plus you get really good insights from students who are sitting the exams. A lot is about exam technique, but you need a good memory to cram.

Would happily join a specific thread for SEN and GCSE revision/support - or I can set one up

DS is coming up to GCSEs too, lots of SEN barriers to learning. He's 'revising' but without constant supervision and structure not much is getting done. It's very hard, I will be over the moon with 4s so I couldn't be further from friends who are panicking over 7s!

@Sickoftherain123 year 9 was the worst year at school for my ds (not wishing to alarm you, but best to be prepared!). GCSEs are still far too far away to be real and they're fully settled into secondary school and not the youngest any more. The only problem with dropping subjects too early is he may then have free periods and in year 9 I'm pretty sure my ds would have caused trouble in them! He eventually dropped two subjects in year 11, I think it was around Christmas, which meant by the time he had free lessons the exams were looming and he found his motivation.

Following this thread. My DS is in Y8 and will start the GCSE syllabus in Y9. ADHD, working memory and slow processing but bright. He has zero motivation and getting him to get into good study habits is a nightmare. There’s definitely been a downward trajectory this year. Waiting for meds but need to get his weight up from the 3rd centile before he can start. I don’t see this happening any time soon. I can see he’s on a path to struggling massively once GCSE pressure sets in. I actually think he should just start with 7 GCSEs. Does anyone think this is a bad plan? His school said that he should do 9 and drop 1 later if needed.

Please ignore the advice saying apply for electrical engineering, aviation, engineering.

these courses are maths heavy and to succeed at them you will need a good GCSE maths grade to gain entry in the first place but then be able to work at a high level once on the course. These are not fall back courses for those who may get 2’s at GCSE

And yes it is a struggle which puts pressure on family relationships and hard for other siblings to deal with. Me and DH often have disagreements how to deal with him and DS made a very silly mistake a few months ago which required us calling the police so all in all very stressful. I don't think the hormones help and am praying that when these settle down a bit life may be a bit easier. Sending solidarity!

Sorry I did a name change since I started the thread!

Hello, sorry to hear that you are in the same boat. He isn't revising at all for his GCSEs although school have put on lots of sessions in over the Easter holidays and at school and after school so am hoping he gets some passes through that. Two of his courses have a lot of coursework so I've been supporting him to get the best marks he can get for these. He gets easily distracted and is often playing football in the garden or out with my mates at the park when he should be revising but you cannot physically force someone to revise and he is a nice lad, although obviously has his challenges. The OCD is the same, not got worse of better, and he has been at school full time and doing things in his spare time. I definitely need some solidarity as alot of my school friends mums all have high achieving kids and talking about grade 9s etc and I'd just be grateful if he passes English and maths.

I need somw solidarity. Dd in exactly the same situation. She is going to fail.
She has ESBA has missed loads.

@Theordinary sorry, just realised it's you who revived the thread!

@thepuffin my ds has ADHD (diagnosed but medication doesn't agree with him unfortunately) and some traits of ASD and OCD. He was very behind by year 11 and is in exactly the same position (but more severe!) now in year 13. He can't do anything without a looming deadline - until February in both years, the exams seemed too far away. And then when they suddenly seemed urgent he had no idea how to organise himself.

What happened in year 11 was he worked out what he needed to make the next stage - 6s in English, Maths and one other A Level subject. He dropped three subjects, which brought him down to 8 (but he had higher predicted grades than your ds, so I think 5 would be reasonable for yours). He started using Seneca on his phone, one subject at a time, working through it from beginning to end. This provided structure for him. I also paid him for revision per hour (only £2 ph at the time, but it seemed to work!). I could track his revision as I could see his Seneca account. Often he just did 20 minute stretches, but he felt like he was making progress and he was being rewarded for it.

Now in year 13, he's effectively doing the same thing - working through revision books, beginning to end, and writing some things down. He's not really been to school since Feb as it distracts him from focusing on his (slow, laborious!) revision. I think he gets overwhelmed and doesn't know where to start and has to do one thing at a time.

I appreciate your son has more issues going on but if you could simplify things down to the essentials (Maths and English, maybe a couple more subjects) and provide him with structure and reward, it may just help?

@Theordinary
new thread would
Be useful. My son is also doing GCSEs this year.

@thepuffin I know this thread was from October last year... I've been desperately searching on mumsnet for reassurance about my own situation which sounds very similar to yours with your DS. I wondered how things are now? My DD was just diagnosed with ASD on September and now looks likely to have ADHD which has been missed up until now. OCD traits too. Its all very hard to deal with and as a parent I'm struggling. Maybe we should start a new thread for solidarity? Previous nasty poster (mentioning no names) need not join in!

You need to get the pressure taken off him. Reduce the number of GCSEs to 5 or 6. He is not looking at A levels afterwards with the predicted grades so won’t be staying for sixth form, not sure you have come to accept this. Can he pass his maths and English is the crucial question. Go to local colleges and see what courses interest him and that may give him an incentive. He isn’t like his friends so the expectations should be different.

Anther thing I would say is that schools and Local Authorities would have you believe that EHCPs are rare and unusual. That meagre additional support is gold standard and that you're asking for the moon on a stick. That alternative provision is out of the question. However, once you're in the world of SEN, suddenly:
~ the EHCP that was 'impossible' is possible. Believe me when I say that your DS meets the threshold for assessment, which is that he has (or may have) SEN, and that he may require a Plan to meet his needs.
~There are options other than simply coping in mainstream school. DD2 went from no provision at all in year 9 to virtually out of school in year 10 to a very expensive specialist independent school in year 11 (to repeat year 10).
~There are bespoke packages available that you will never hear of, because they cost money and take effort and time to organise.

When I said that DD2 felt that she should be able to cope in school and that she has failed, the LA officer told me that there are so many kids who don't do 'school' - it really isn't that uncommon. They just don't tell you about it.

My D’s has Asd/adhd had a horrific year11.

I believe a combination of the pressure of the future/ hormones / exam stress and his lack of muturity ( bear in mind children with ADHD are on avarage 2.7 years begin in maturity)

I would say a couple of things from my experience ..

keep the door of communication open ,
try and encourage time to settle and regular bedtimes .

go to college open evenings look at options.

my Ds had a very small room for exams , extra time and rest breaks ..

if you can possibly afford it I would look at private diagnosis .

give him the best diet he will eat .. I did more roast dinner’s than I had any desire for as it was the best none processed food he would eat..

I definitely didn’t get it right .. but use what will help . Is there other adults he will open too ,open up to . My Ds’s tutor was a lifeline.. use what works .

use the carrot if you think it will motivate him .

I recommend listening to some of Naomi fishers stuff in u tube. It's really enlightening and holds up hugely for ND kids and their struggles.

As a mum of a dd with ASD
She crashed
Out of sixth form
And spent 3 months in bed other than a bit of gaming.

Now she has found a course sh is keen on and it's volunteering and working in a field she loves

I was scared like you that she would Amount to nothing while HerPeers soared ahead but actually now we have all realised there are other ways and sometimes chances come about that could
Never have happened while in school.

I also recommend the book never let go but Suzanne alderton.

I often think that the single most important lesson I've learned as a parent (and former teacher/private tutor) is to say something along the lines of "everything's going to be okay" "we'll work something out" "there is always a way forward" "don't worry - we're here for you" "it's not the end of the world" - I think it's really important to say this - even in those situations where perhaps you don't know exactly what you might have to do next but offering this level of support and encouragement - I think - is really important. Look at your own life - haven't things not gone to plan on occasion? Has sh!t happened? Yes - very likely and yet... you get through it. Take one of my kids - this is how I approached a situation where they were 3 years into a 5 year degree but they were mentally too ill to continue and needed to be hospitalised - they needed a lot of convincing, encouragement and support to quit the course (this was back in 2014) - imagine that - having to give up on everything they had worked for? I said trust me, everything is going to be OK. Now what followed was an extremely difficult period in all our lives but IMHO it brought us all even closer together. It's taken a few years to recover but... everything has worked out for the best, they finished their degree and have been working for several years so... I'm saying - if I were you - you'll have to accept "they are where they are", try and accept the worst case scenario and try to think about doing what you can to do better than that worst case scenario - be there for them - however difficult this might be for you - no doubt you are worried, anxious, disappointed perhaps - this is life - it just keeps coming at you. Honestly I know almost no one whose life panned out as they thought it would.

@Sometimeswinning

I clarify again. Read all my posts again. What exactly, specifically, are you suggesting? That I haven't?

@Lougle : bless your cotton socks, thank you indeed, severely for standing up for me.