Daughter has not made any friends

I would mention it to the head of year. My daughter was similar but she was invited to a board games club which was for kids struggling to make friends where she got to know a couple of others feeling similar. Through that she found a couple of people to hang around with and that gave her confidence. She's got some proper friends now heading into year 8, though has only just started to see them out of school. It's a long game.

Starting secondary school is horrid. I remember going through similar experiences with my DC. The advice from the school (which worked really well) was to join whatever clubs/bands/societies/sports that were available. They are still friends with the kids they met in the clubs 15-20 years later.

My dd went to high school that was out of catchment for her primary school so she didn’t know anyone at first, she found year 7 really hard. In the end I did speak to her tutor and they put things in place to encourage her to make friends. Her school run a lunch time club where people that were struggling could go to chill out, play computer games and mix with others ho were struggling, she made several friends there and felt safer there than on her own in the playground.

My DS' school have a quiet room with jigsaws and board games at lunch time. Some pupils are actively encouraged to go there, others are allowed if it's not too busy

My daughter was also the only one from her primary to go on to her particular secondary - a grammar as we're in a grammar school county. She also found it hard and really didn't want to go to school for the first couple of months. She is pretty outgoing but the school - a girl's selective - does attract a certain type of introverted intellectual, which isn't a bracket my daughter fits into. But eventually she did find a 'tribe' to fit into - they're not in her class, she met them through bands. The first few weeks at a new secondary are always hard but your daughter will get there in the end. I remember a friend - who sent her daughter to the same school as mine - saying her daughter cried every day for the whole first year!

Just a quick message to say - this was me! I went to a school without anyone from primary school and felt very lonely at first. It was a big change: I was very acutely aware of being "the poor kid" (it was fee paying, but my parents being skint meant I had a bursary) - and for about 3 months my parents considered moving me. However, I did find my people eventually - the other kids like me - by volunteering as a prefect and going to chess club. Geeks for the win! I'm still very close friends with three or four of them: bridesmaids, godmothers to each others' kids, etc.. Most of those who were mean to me are still friends with their cliques too. Your girl will find her stride eventually; it is really, really tough, but she will be OK in the end. Take care xx

I'd contact head of year and see what's available to help. There are often various drop in clubs/ classes on at lunchtime/ breaks that people can go to. Even if it's just a manned homework club it'd give her somewhere to go.

My son started secondary with all his primary school friends. There was a big group of them all joining. One day I had a random message from someone I didn’t know saying that their son had also joined the school but with no one from his primary. He was very shy, struggling to make friends and very anxious. She said her son had mentioned my son in passing as someone who is popular and has lots of friends and he just wishes he was friends with him. She asked if there was any way I could help facilitate that. Of course I spoke to my son, we invited them over on the weekend for lunch, I asked my son to look out for him in school and include him and to also introduce him to his friendship group and invite him to group meet-ups after school.

It was only a couple of weeks later that this boy had a group of friends. He isn’t massively close to my son these days but from those initial introductions, it got him out of his shell and he was able to make some good friendships.

His mum was very brave reaching out like that but I think most mums of year 7 kids would understand and be happy to help in any way they can.

Is your daughter able to mention any names of kids she’d like to get to know so that you could try and get in touch with the mum whilst everyone is in the “meet and greet” phase?

Oh God, I totally understand you, I am in exactly the same situation with my daughter. She is the only one who doesn't have a primary friend with her and everyone else know eachother! She is by herself at break time and lunch time as everyone else go with their primary friends from within the same form or the other forms! She feels ignored,excluded and the school is also not helpful at all! She is very sociable, she goes and gets involved but they ignore her. To the point where I am thinking to pull her out and home school for a while! I am stressed out and have no idea what to do! Hopefully it will get better for your daughter

Could you ask the school if there is anyone in your area they could connect you to? Our school made it possible to connect with who lives close to you. I reached out to the parents and everyone was happy to meet etc. My dd did not know anyone at her new school so I made sure to find people before she started that we could meet. It worked so she settled in well. I also just asked around and anyone that knew someone that knew someone going to the school I asked for contact details etc. Lots of people were doing this at the school as well. Everyone was happy to connect and meet.

If the above is not possible, the next best thing is clubs. Sign up to as many clubs possible. One famous person said they once joined all the clubs they could so they never had to sit alone at lunch. This also helps you make friends finding common interest.

Op it's so hard and heartbreaking to think of any child being lonely and not having any friends.

My dd has just started at secondary. She would be on the shy side (in new social settings) but otherwise confident. We've had loads of chats and I've advised her to fake it til she makes it. We've spoke about body language (being open, smiling, head up etc) and we've practiced lots of back and forth conversations and discussed conversation starters. All have really helped her and last week she started to chat to other girls and feels much happier.

I was this little girl granted quite a few years ago now, but she’ll make friends eventually, so she have an interests I ended up making friends with someone because we both loved the show NCIS and CSI and then we ended up with a group of fiends by year 9. It just takes time unfortunately.

Can you host a party?

This happened to me. I started Secondary School only vaguely knowing one person. I hated it and sat alone at every break time. I chatted to people easily enough in class but they all had their network of friends so I found it hard to break into that. My mum used to come and meet me at lunch time and take me out so I had less time on my own (back when we had and hour and a half for lunch) and she’s since told me they had considered moving me to the school where all my Primary School friends went (we had moved house).
It took until going back in the January term before I settled, but once I had, I never looked back and I was glad I’d stayed.
I joined lots of clubs at lunchtime/after school as I was quite sporty (they seem to have a more varied set of clubs these days for kids not into sport).
I would definitely mention to the form tutor, but it will need time - it’s only been a few weeks at the most. It must be heartbreaking to watch, but do all you can to make her feel valued/supported and give it lots of time.

If your child is struggling and the school has a library, find out if they use students as helpers. Helping out in the library at break/lunch times can be a great option to help deal with overwhelm, not be alone and have a sense of purpose. Also potentially a way to meet similar kids.

I really feel for you both, but speaking to a kind teacher might be the only way. Many years ago we had a Lebanese girl fleeing the war join our class, she was fluent in French and Arabic, but her English wasn’t great, so it was very tricky. She was sat next to me in class ( I think to separate me from my friend tbh ) and I was told to look after her. Of course I wasn’t terribly happy about it but tried to do my duty and we became very very good friends for decades. You never know how it will work out if the school helps her to make friends, and hopefully she won’t know you’ve intervened.

Joining things is definitely the way to go. School choir is usually open to all (or school band/orchestra if she plays an instrument or would like to learn) and always a good option - making music is a great way to have fun and make new friends. Maybe you could suggest she has a chat with the music teacher to see what's on offer? Once you've got common ground/shared experiences, it so much easier to make conversation and hang out with people.

My dc were similar - I told them to always have a book in their bag so that at break, lunch, waiting for bus etc if they were on their own they a11 engaged in something rather than looking alone, a similar tactic another poster has previously suggested.

Have you tried getting involved? Making an effort with parents that have dds at the school and doing meet ups w the ones that live close by? Has she joined clubs? Sports? That is the best way to meet people. The most important is the first few weeks when people are open to meeting new friends.

I had this with my son, now yr11. He is very shy, and literally couldn’t speak to new people as he said his voice wouldn’t work. It was unbearable and to be honest Covid was a blessing as we didn’t have the daily tears.

A couple of things we did that helped a little- I contacted the head of year to say how he was crying every day. They started a lunchtime Lego club for him and he also went to chess club where he met 2 friends. During covid his tutor set up “feel Good Friday” where she would encourage online conversations around topics such as “this is my favourite book” or “a sport I love is…”
He found it easier to type than talk and made a friend in his tutor group.
Hes still only got 4 friends but that suits him as it’s his nature, and the children he is friends with are similar.
It will get easier, for you and her, but you have my full sympathy as I know how upsetting this time is.

Just to add, clubs, sports and hobbies are usually a great way to form friendships. It's difficult when you're shy (I've been there myself!) But she'll have to put herself out there as much as possible and it will happen.

Contact the school, head of year is a good call.

It can be really discrete, things like asking a couple of children to help sort out a cupboard at lunchtime (one being your DD) or take a message to another teacher, asking your DD to show a new pupil round (you do sometimes get students starting a few days late).

Seating plans can also be changed to sit children together you think will get on.

Pairing or grouping for certain tasks.

'lift buddy' if a student has a disability so needs to use the lift then the advice to teachers is to never be alone with a child, a 'lift buddy' means no child is in the lift alone and therefore no teacher / staff member is alone with the child.

Oh I feel her pain - I went to a different secondary school from all the other girls in my primary school and the first weeks were dreadful. I did make friends gradually though. I can't believe the girls she knows didn't let her hang with them just until she found her feet - it makes such a difference just having someone to sit wit at lunch.

What I take from this thread is that schools should focus on getting lunch clubs running right from the start of term for year 7s.