Daughter has not made any friends

@Dizzybelle

DD went through exactly the same last year. It took her about a term to find her friendship group. I did contact the school and I did find that helpful. With DD I tried to communicate to her that it was normal to feel this way, that I went through the same at school. They may have areas at school where she can go if she’s feeling alone (at DD’s school I think she can go to music room or library) - but the school may be able to help you here. Offering opportunities for DD to bring friends over or to meet up outside of school. DD had - and still has - a big ‘idea’ in her head that she is ‘unpopular’. I’ve talked this through with her a lot, and to a teacher who said ‘looking back, I was never in the popular group at school and I’m glad I wasn’t’. A recent course I went on stated that bullying tends to happen more with the groups that are considered ‘popular’ by others.

I feel for you! My son was similar. Went up with one girl he was close to from primary and one boy he didn’t particularly get on with. The girl didn’t really hang out with him at secondary. It was a tough first term but he’s in year 8 now and very happy. Hang in there both of you x

My DD is now 23, but in the July before she started, we were contacted by her college manager, who we knew via our DS, and asked if DD would buddy up/meet during summer, a girl who would be in her form but was the only girl coming from her primary. DD was more than happy to meet her.

She apparently sat alone and was crying at lunchtime on the taster day (she was not usually quiet or emotional and had an older sister who was out of school that day) so her mum contacted college manager and asked if she could be put in touch with someone else in her form.

We met her and her mum at start of summer hols, the girls met up again, then she walked to school with DD on first day of term. They were good friends for quite a few years, only drifting from 15/16 onwards.

So I would encourage you to contact school, I am sure that either FT or head of year can discreetly encourage some other girls to chat to her/include her.

Sometimes schools have areas for kids to go who are finding breaks tough. You might not know about them unless you asked. Eg. Library, board games room. It can be better than standing round feeling left out.

My daughter has just started year 7 - in a school which goes from Reception to year 8 she's one of 2 new joiners and is also struggling.

In her previous school she was very popular so she isn't used to not having many friends, she does a lot of sports inside and outside of school which seems to be helping.

Is there a parents Whatsapp group?

You could try to arrange something on there (suggest a club she is joining or anything) [XXX's is going to XXX if anyone else wants to come]
or individually message a mum in her class to arrange something?

If it's a big school it's likely some girls in her year will be in the local netball / football ect clubs if she likes something and wanted to join then may have familiar faces at school

Or if you are able to find someone living near you to offer to share lifts ect

They have only been back to school just over a week I'm sure it will improve with time :)

It's still early days but definitely worth mentioning to her head of year. Our secondary school does a buddy up system which can really help.

Bless her, it must be so hard for you both!

I haven’t been in this position but from a grown up point of view, the friends I started secondary school with were totally different to the ones I ended up with. Friendships at this age change so frequently and I know it will feel like the end of the world to your daughter now, she will find her group! Hope she settles soon x

It's definitely early days. I moved schools in year 9 so no primary school mixing etc.
ended up with a great group of friends, a lot from my form group and some from different sets of subjects

Definitely the library is the place to go as she is likely to meet other like minded people there.

It's so hard to see your child go through this but you will both get through it! Definitely contact form tutor/head of year, as they won't "force" people to be her pity friends but instead will carefully coordinate some things so she gets to mix with some new kids, as well as maybe giving her some tasks to complete/assist with so she has some purpose to her break times. Also, if they know what's happening they can keep a discreet eye out for her during breaks, so she doesn't feel so alone. This support will help her get through these tough early weeks, plus they'll be able to give you some feedback so you won't worry as much. Definitely look into the club's, as they will also help her pass the time.
It is going to be hard for her to just approach and start chatting to random kids, who are already in groups. It's not just about her being "brave" because kids inside of the gang won't necessarily feel the need to extend the hand of friendship to a lonely kid and kids can be unkind and lacking in empathy. Definitely try the indirect route and get some structure and purpose to her breaktimes. Love to you both, its tough but it will improve. Xx

My DD also took a while to make friends in Y7, it sounds a bit daft but she felt it was disloyal towards her existing lovely friends who were at different high schools. After a while she got her head around that it’s ok to have multiple friendship groups.

The new friends don’t have to be as ‘good’ as the existing friends either. If that makes sense. Y7 is often the first time in someone’s life they make friends independently not just through the actions of their parents and teachers. So it’s very normal for it all to take a while and feel strange. Good luck to your DD.

My daughter went through something similar when starting in year 7, all her close friends had gotten into a different school. There were a couple of girls from her primary school but she barely knew them. She went through a bit of a hard time for the first six months, suffering from depression and anxiety. Then she made 1 or 2 friends slowly. Now she's in sixth form, and she has a huge group of friends, one of whom was one of the girls she knew from primary. Hang in there, it will hopefully get better.

They should have something in place to deal with this as it is absolutely normal. One of mine refused to go to school at all by the third day so I had to involve the school. The HoY, pastoral and form teachers were all involved.

OP this was also me. I was the only one in my form who didn't know anyone, and I spent about a term and a half utterly miserable. I used to literally count down the hours til the end of the school day. I made the mistake of trying to be friends with one particular group who clearly had no interest at all, but I didn't give it up as I didn't really know how to approach another group! It was one of the worst times of my life.

But it was the making of me.

By spring term I eventually made wonderful friends, most of whom I'm still in touch with decades later. And I swanned off to university without a care, because I knew it couldn't possibly be as difficult as those first months at secondary school, and I'd got through that so I could definitely get through freshers week!

Speak to her form tutor (my mum did but she didn't tell me), they will help. Keep home nice, calm and welcoming for her. Encourage her to stick at it and trying talking to as many different classmates as she can. She'll get through it and she will be significantly more self-assured in the end.

It may or may not change, it is partially down to luck and who is not already in a clique too. I had it somewhat with dd, came from a primary where she had very few friends and minor bullying, and they all went to the secondary together, along with others from different primarys... she ditched the primary people and made a big effort, and it paid off. Now v popular and friends coming out of her ears....DD will need to make some efforts and try to get in with some people. There may be things you can do, as there is some fronting involved with making friends in this situation, eg making out you have some outside friends, working on appearance, as some kids are quick to shun any differences (not saying there is) frumpy uniform style etc Even the latest coveted backpack can work wonders for getting noticed (fickle I know). Maybe have some talking points ready to have in common with them and dd can invite them out to look at the shops or get a pizza in ones and twos perhaps, just say I am going to revamp my wardrobe, you want to meet up and help me pick?

Heartbreaking for you though!

I would definitely let the form tutor know in a discreet way. Most schools are very good at pastoral care. Your daughter won’t be the only one feeling this way and after all secondary school is really hard and challenging and it does take time to settle in hopefully the after-school clubs will help.

My DD has also recently started secondary school and struggled at first - she has a couple of classmates from primary school in her class but doesn’t get along with them (she had a big friendship group in Yr6). Most of her new classmates moved up from the junior school. She was miserable at first but we talked about how the kids from the junior school were probably sticking together for comfort/familiarity rather than necessarily being in the same friendship group. Sure enough, they have started to split up and mingle more with the rest of the class. I would highly recommend watching Mean Girls and Easy A and discussing some of the themes around cliques, peer pressure, betrayal etc. Also, I think girls can get too hung up on the idea of a BFF when really, it’s best to have a wider circle of friends rather than letting a clique/individual have too much power/hold over them.

Oh Op I know how hard this can be on both of you. Contact the school sooner rather than later, encourage clubs in school and also felisha54's advice is great about body language and conversation starter help. As soon as she thinks she's found a fellow spirit or more, invite them over for a "hang out" as they call it. Wish I'd had all you lovely mums for advice five years ago. My daughter's just moved for 6th form and fingers crossed it'll be better this time as we've learnt all these things along the way. All the best to you both.

@Dizzybelle my daughter was the only one from her small primary to go to her secondary. Covid meant there was no settling in or mixing prior to starting in year 7. Within a few weeks my normal bubbly daughter was struggling to settle and make friends. I was really worried had we made the wrong choice (she was also keen to go to this school so I mean all of us not us as parents) I spoke to the school particularly her form tutor against dd wishes. I tried to encourage her to engage with other kids. Anyway by October half term she had a couple of girls she was friends with but not ‘her people’ by the January she had found her tribe. Now she’s in year 10 and she has so many friends I struggle to keep up and her social life keeps me on my toes (and depletes the bank balance!) but she is so settled.

I was sick with worry during those early days but she will find her crowd and a few years down the line this will be a distant memory.

It is very early days. Alot of them would be clinging to primary friends. I would contact the tutor. They may well be able to buddy them up with someone else in the same boat or at least keep an eye. The clubs may well help. Pastoral area? Library?

This was me 30 odd years ago. My mum gave me a very good piece of advice to get to the classes early so I could sit in a desk that had an empty desk near me, rather than have to walk in and feel like I would get turned down asking to sit next to someone. It worked well. Still took me nearly a whole term to adjust to it after being in a v small primary.

Some kids do find it harder to adjust than others. A quiet call to the pastoral team wouldn't go amiss - do they have a buddy system they could use maybe?

Some people make friends a lot more quickly than others. It's early days. Re-assure her that things settle down. There's a massive amount of friends movement in the first few weeks as people find out their early "friends" aren't really their kind of people after all, and they move on themselves to find others.

The "out there" types will have latched on to people they were stood next to or sat next to, for what may be pretty fleeting friendships and then move on to more of "their kind" of people after the first few days.

It's exactly what happened with my son. He, too, had no one in his form from his primary school, and despite him being pretty quiet/shy, another lad latched on to him and they were pretty inseparable for a couple of weeks, until he ditched DS and found someone else to latch on to. That left DS "friendless" for a few days as they'd been virtually joined at the hip, but as others flitted between friends, he soon found others to get friendly with and it all sorted itself out with him having several friends by half term.

When my DC started secondary school each form class had a couple of older 'buddies' to help with stuff like this. Of course it depends how good and involved they are.
Speak to the school discreetly, she really won't be the only one.
Might youngsters from your area be using public transport to get to school? You could look out for the uniform?
Get your DD to look for other kids on their own, rather than trying to break into a group. (If she does get blanked the embarrassment will be much less.) Don't target the popular ones unless they approach her, speak to other quieter people.

It's 2 weeks in, there is no need to panic yet. But definitely knock any school refusal on the head mum.
Agree with the PP about clubs. It's really hard, but she will get there.