Daughter has not made any friends

My DD struggles with crippling lack of self confidence and also finds it hard to make friends and high school has been really tough for her too. Please contact the school if you haven't already as the Form Teacher, Pastoral Lead and Head of Year will all have tricks for dealing with instances like this. They have buddy schemes and mentors and will be able to suggest a whole host of clubs that your DD can get involved in. In the meantime Mum, just lots of reassurance, which I'm sure you're giving and the age old adage that 'things will get better!' I don't doubt that they will. Good luck

It’s so hard to see your child going through that situation. I’ve had a similar experience when my dd was at secondary school. Like others have said the best thing to do is contact the head of year. I did that and asked her to be discreet as my dd did not want any fuss. She was amazing! She spoke to the form tutor and other subject teachers. She spoke to my daughter too to reassure her and let her know she’s there to help. She helped my dd move tutor group and it was the best move ever. Don’t ignore and let her suffer. Some children just need a little help

Oh gosh that is just awful.
I would 100% contact the form tutor and put your daughter on their radar. They can make her teachers aware and mindful of seating etc during lessons. Good luck!

I felt so sad when I read your post OP. I had exactly the same situation with my oldest DD. She started high school two years back. It was truly heartbreaking as a parent so I know exactly how you’re feeling. I did speak to the school but it didn’t really help … sadly the isolation slipped in to bullying. She became the odd kid who had no friends. And it perpetuated. Every morning was torturous. She went back to school last September and it begun again so I removed her. She’s been home educated for the last year and is just so much happier. She was assessed for ASD and diagnosed with mild autism. I think this affects her social ability as she’s wired differently, very mature for her years and I think she was possibly intimidating for her peers who were likely unable to connect with her. I wish I had some advice to impart - kids can be really, really horrible … try the clubs but for me no education is worth the damage school was causing to her mental health.

Having been a y7 from tutor for many years- this is definitely something that you should chat to her tutor about. They may have noticed something that could help nudge her towards someone friendly, could point her towards a club or even casually introduce her to some other people. There will be lots they can do. It is honestly so normal for some children every year to take some time to find their feet. They all come up with pre-conceived friendship groups and within weeks they’ve all fallen out/ drifted apart/ moved onto other groups so there’s always lots of movement at this time of year. It will get better (and it is really hard and heartbreaking as an adult to see them struggle so much!) but it will improve. It’s still very early days.

I’m an ex secondary school teacher and mum of 13 year old who had difficulty making friends in Year 7. Definitely speak to head of Year 7 - they basically spend the majority of Autumn term working on settling in issues, mainly friendships. (She doesn’t need to know you’ve spoken to HOY). Also, many schools have a little lunchtime club for anyone who is struggling to make friends - if you speak to HOY they can invite her. And don’t worry, things change so much through year 7 and I would say most kids don’t settle into actual “real” friendship groups until year 8.

I haven’t read the whole thread. I don’t need to say what I want to say.
I was exactly this in school - many years ago. It was miserable, every day for years. I had so many friends outside of school, so weekends etc. were amazing, but those school hours were just awful. For 3.5 years.
How did it change? My parents happened to move house, and so I had to move schools. My next school was completely different and I had plenty of friends and was happy there.
Give it some time for her to settle in, but not too long for it to impact her sense of self. If it’s that awful - and if you can - please move her somewhere else. Research the social culture first and try and match the new school with your daughters personality and way of being if possible.
Good luck - my heart goes out to her. Xx

I work at a secondary school and you should definitely contact them. There are lots of things that can be done to help. Buddying up, support at lunch and breaks, changing seating plans if necessary, encouraging friendships.

Reassure your daughter that a lot of students feel this way at the start of a new school. Everything seems big and scary, she will get used to it and she will ‘find her people’. Keep the faith and continue to support her. How she’s feeling now is temporary. Fast forward a few weeks she will feel entirely different.

Every day I get calls from parents, we do little ‘welfare checks’ and touch base with those who need it.

School will help her, I’m sure of it. Good luck 👍🏼

I'm a secondary school teacher. Definitely contact the Form Tutor and Head of Year. Keep them informed with what's been happening. When the clubs start up, friendships are much easier. Outside of school keep up her regular clubs and activities or make play dates with her old friends while she is settling. I know it's so hard but it 100% gets easier, its very early in the new school year and she WILL find her tribe.

Hi, definitely get in touch with her form tutor, the pastoral teams in school are there to ensure students are happy & thriving. Not making friends needs to be addressed. The form tutor can help facilitate ideas and plans such as encouraging her to join clubs (sports, none sports etc), as well as discussing seating plans for with class teachers. Lots of y7s struggle with the transition - especially if from small primaries or out of the area etc. pls do advocate for her.

Contact school - they’ll be discreet. Also sign her up to some school clubs so she can make friends in comfortable settings. I went to a new school at 15 and had no friends and a “funny accent”.. it was horrible and I’d do everything in my power not to put my children through that!

I think there is some good advice here. I’d add that it’s worth encouraging/supporting her to maintain primary school/existing friendships in the evenings or at weekends. It took me a while to find my group in year 7, but keeping up my close friendships outside school helped boost my confidence and protected me from feeling too lonely.

Can you start training her not to be shy it's crippling.
Start really small with achievable goals like smile at someone in class today and say hi.
Say hello to someone new.
Ask someone a question about themselves.
Tiny baby steps that will help her open up to opportunities.
Then tell her to look for someone shy in her year to look after.

contact the school!!! I've been in the same position now for 2 consecutive years with my 2 oldest daughters. Most schools are really good at helping with transition - as our school told me 'we want the children to settle quickly and be happy because then they learn better and having friends is an important part of that'. They have all sorts of resources available from lunchtime clubs 'by invitation' buddy systems, mentors and even councillors but they do need to know if she's struggling especially if she's good at masking it! It sounds really easy to just tell her to try this or that but if it were that easy then transition anxiety wouldn't exist. Just something to think about that might help YOU get through this - I asked my older daughter about her transition experience from last year now she's familiar with the school. She told me a) it wasn't as bad as it seemed at the time, b) she did, in fact, interact with a lot of her classmates she just wished she'd been brave enough to just ask 'can I sit with you' and c) whilst nearly everyone had a few tears in the first couple of weeks everyone had settled in and found their feet by half term. Big hugs to you both from one anxious mum of an anxious new year 7 to another!

I would privately message the school. Most of them are good at these things and will try to orchestrate a buddy system etc. I would also make is very clear that this be subtle

I have a year 7, he's settled in ok at school however a Mum of a primary school friend who went elsewhere reached out to me last week saying her son was struggling and would my son like to go over at the weekend. He went, had a blast with his pal and his mum thanked me as he seemed his old self for the day. Maybe try reach out to previous friends for now, give her something to look forward to while she settles in at secondary. Also, speak to the school and see how they can help. I hope she feels better soon!

Tutor group activities- tell the school.

@Dizzybelle This was us last year. My son went to a secondary school where he literally did not know a soul (we moved while he was in primary school so he didn't go to it's feeder school with his friends). It was really really tough, and I just wanted to make everything right for him. When I asked what he did at break he used to say that he just sat on his own and honestly I couldn't bear it. He's not a boisterous boy and isn't into football/other common interests with other kids his age, and felt like everyone had their own friendship groups. Realistically this went on for about three weeks, and then things started to change - he found his people, and your daughter will too. It's such a hard time for them, but you just have to trust that she'll find her tribe. What helped my son was the after school clubs - I said he had to choose two to try, and he started making friends from there. Now he's happy and has a nice group of friends he sees outside of school. I really do feel for you - it's not easy as a parent watching them try to find their way.

gulp. I felt my tummy drop when I read this. I was that kid at school. I went to a secondary school not knowing anyone and had such a hard time fitting in. What is the reason she didn’t go to school with her primary school friends? Is it too late to switch?

Poor DD.

My DS1 was like this. Didn’t want me to speak to school etc. I did ring school, they were brilliant, spoke to him, he was invited to the lunch club to do activities and games etc.

Honestly, school would have seen this situation many, many times. But they can’t help unless they know.

Hope DD is happier soon.

This is precisely what I would do, invite all of the girls over for a Halloween supper. Put some thought into age appropriate cool ice breakers. I would have all the lights turned off suddenly to make them scream. A super fun night. I would for sure do this, and have done this on the two occasions we joined a new school.

I guarantee your dd will not be the only one struggling. So many others will be glad of the invite.

Why did it work?
Well for one the other girls started talking to dd and asking what to wear etc so that helped, and she soon found herself swapping ideas for games, food ideas etc. it’s something to build on.

During the party she got to know the girls better. We had practiced conversation starters etc. Afterwards she was invited back by some girls, which made a massive difference and soon had friends.

It worked for us. My dds have lots of friends because I have spent a lot of time guiding them, doing role plays and giving them confidence. Social skills are learnt - and at this point it is entirely different to primary school. Much more is needed and the friendships become more complex.

Lunch time clubs. It’s two weeks in. She needs to go and make her own friends. I know it’s difficult but adults should not force friendships.

It’s an important life lesson. A difficult one but essential. She will need to have this skill for the rest of her life and you won’t be there

Haven't read all the thread but wanted to post as this was my child 10 years ago. I'd agree writing to the form tutor, to alert them, and I asked if ours could do something to make it clearer whether there were other children who weren't from the one main feeder primary, so it was easier for mine to work out who else didn't know anyone. This year (this week) I've seen parents posting on our small town's facebook group, asking if there was anyone else who didn't know people who might like to get together, and there have been several responses.

Lunchtime clubs and going to the library are both helpful; also there might be a quiet space for children with additional needs, and it might be worth asking if yours could spend some time there, as it can be a kinder space, with less pressure and good for decompressing. What worked in the end for mine, new to the area, was going to the park alone, and meeting others from his year out of school; and going to the youth club. But it is so hard doing that alone, and I think the easier option is finding others who are also new, to do things in twos for a while, while they broaden their group.

As an adult I was taught how to handle networking at professional body events - get chatting to one person, then take them with you to broaden things to the next group of two, and/or have open body language so others can join you. It works, and I wish I'd known it as a teenager. Good luck, it will be ok, but I have to say as a parent this was one of the most painful phases of my life.

And who would she ask- people she doesn't know?

A new boy has gone into DS1's year (Y4) and I vaguely know his mum.She emailed me to say he was finding it hard to make friends because the others have all known each other for 4 years. I asked Ds1 about him and he said 'He's in my class. He's very quiet though'.
We had a little chat and DS1 said he would ask him to play football at lunchtime. He's been for tea at our house now and doesn't seem quiet to me. They are going fossil hunting with this boy's dad down at the beach on Saturday. It's the most exciting thing ever apparently. So nice to see.Sometimes it takes such a little thing and I think DS1 has made a really nice friend out of it .

Meanwhile DS2 who has started Reception is not finding life easy because he quite likes a nap some afternoons 😁

Similar here with my boy only one who went. The pastoral team are being really good and I think at last it's getting better I urge you to tell the school