Daughter has not made any friends

@Kelwar @Lakeviewhouse I hear you. I felt like this in the first few weeks of my son starting secondary. He got our 4th preference school and was the only one going from his (large) primary and we knew no one else starting there. All his friends were going to the local boys school and his twin sister to the local girls school with all her friends. We missed out on the boys school due to living a bit too far away - ironically if we’d been applying for this September he would have got in. We appealed for a place at that school with lots of education reasons why it would suit him, but lost.

To compound matters, my son is autistic and doesn’t make friends easily. However, I am pleased to say he has made friends! It has not been easy and he still misses his primary school friends but he has come home from his first few days back in year 8 saying how much fun he has had at break with these friends! I think he has found his ‘tribe’.

One thing I did was to put a msg on the year 7 parents whatsapp group (I know not schools will have this, my daughters school doesn’t) asking if anyone else’s child felt this way - I few parents replied saying their kids were too. A few of us shared photos of our kids so that they could look out for each other. The next morning, a lovely boy approached my son and asked him to join him and his friends at break, and then again at lunch. My son came home that afternoon with a huge smile saying he had made some friends! It was a Friday and such a lovely way to end the week! Unfortunately that boy left the school after a couple of weeks - and moved to the all boys school, which was heartbreaking for my son - but I was so grateful for his kindness towards my son in those initial weeks.

I posted on this thread a year ago, and was myself distraught with this situation 11 years ago. I really remember how challenging it was.

Something a wise friend said to me later was the importance of modelling hope to our young people. Not in a happy clappy dismissing their concerns way. But listening, reflecting back, hearing their reality, and yet offering a slightly older, more robust perspective, where we've been there too, and can see that things will change over time, or we will get them out of there if not. (Not that we need to say the second bit.) When I'm triggered, it is all to easy to fall into my young person's reality. But actually if we can join them in it, reflect it back to them so they know the awfulness is heard, but then suggest it has only been a week, yes its awful and tiring and not what anyone had hoped for, but it will get better, help them see what has changed over the week, that at least they know where they are going next week, or whatever, it helps them believe, in a tiny part of themselves, that it won't always be like this.

I am in the same situation. She went to a different school to her friends as I felt this school would offer more support and better opportunities for her learning difficulties (dyslexia and dyscalculia). She has not settled at all. Crying every evening, no friends, doesn't understand the lessons, refuses to try when we get home and instead throws multiple tantrums. She is so frustrated. And I am devastated. I don't know what to do. Rang the school a few times to the point where I think they are sick of me now. They have said its early days and to give her time. Which I agree with to a point but it's very hard when they talk to me on the phone and reassure me and then she comes home saying the opposite has happened and is so distraught. I never imagined the transition would be this awful .

Oh my goodness, I am going through this exact same thing.. my daughter had lots of friends at primary and has branched off alone to our local school.. her choice which we really admire.. but now she is alone and upset about going to school.. I feel so desperate for her.. did your daughter find her tribe in the end?

How's your daughter getting on now @Dizzybelle ? I hope things have improved for her.

It's good she told you. Great, in fact. Is she trying and not clicking with anyone? Or shy and hoping someone befriends her?

I never told anyone I had no friends and ate alone. I had really bad social anxiety and was too ashamed to let anyone know. And too proud. Instead, I iternalized that there was something wrong with me. Spent almost all of my lunch time in high school going for walks off grounds in the local neighbourhood (this is allowed in the country where I lived) A couple of girls befriended me when I was 16, saw through my armour, but it pains me when I think of that time. Horribly isolating.

Just ring pastoral team or head of year. Describe how upset your daughter is and they will be able to help.

Ask her to look for other children sitting alone at break times/lunch & ask to sit with them. Often they’ll say “everyone else has friends” but that’s because that’s all they see, they don’t notice the person sitting alone unless they look for them. Those with lots of friends don’t notice either as they are busy & not looking. There could be several others feeling the same that just needs someone to notice them.
If she finds one, encourage them to find another together. They may find themselves a lovely little group
Explain the power of a smile, encourage her to smile at people, sometimes that’s all it takes.
if that doesn’t work, definitely speak to the year head for ideas.

So, I was this child. Found it really difficult transitioning. I joined sports teams so I’d have something to do at lunchtime rather than wandering alone. I wasn’t the best at any of the sports mind 😂. It took a while but I did finally settle in and formed a friendship group. Unfortunately, there isn’t anything you can do as a parent to remedy this, as upsetting as it is to see. Other than to help build your daughter’s self confidence and try to make her see she is not ‘bothering people’ by talking to them, etc. I was super self conscious that I was imposing myself on others, which looking back as an adult is just daft! I just had zero self confidence.

my daughter was the same in year 7, wasnt really until year 8 that she made any friends. hang on in there tho it is tough. ask her about the kids in her class, do any of them like the same things as her, subjects etc. She may not know bt it will make her curious. Does she queue up for anything & can chat to others or even listen in to what theyre talking about or contribute to the conversation. Tell her to listen, its really important. She shdnt be crying tho, tell her it takes time 7 she wont be the only 1 like this. Wishing u much luck as ive been there & know plenty of others too. Make sure she is enjoying her work & encourage her to tell u about which subjects she likes best, not at all etc. Just keep her talking about school in anything that isnt negative.

Hang on in there OP. As many people have said it takes a while. My DD ditched all her primary school friends and suddenly after 6 lonely weeks came home with kids from different schools. Now, after COVID, she's back with her primary friends 🤷‍♀️
Are you near to your school? Sometimes its the lunch clubs, after school clubs and just generally meeting up after school that cracks it, rather than lessons and form. My DD still (in sixth form) doesn't hang out with any kids she's in lessons with.

I had Chicken Pox when my first term at Secondary school started and therefore began two weeks after everybody else. They had all made their friend groups and I knew no-one. I had a very rocky first few weeks but I did eventually make friends and settled in. My advice to you and your daughter is to hang in there.

This was me 20 years ago and I would 100% say talk to the school. I had one best friend in primary I was very close to, she didn't go to my secondary and everyone else had friendship groups already. I still remember walking round alone at lunchtime and break time, it was awful. I did find friendship groups in later years but I think it I had moved form group, it would have helped so much. The girls in my form were either in a group already or were horrible bullies. My friends I later found were all in a different, much nicer form.

I was too embarrassed to tell my mum I had no friends so I just suffered through it. As a parent now, if my DD ever goes through the same even if she told me not to tell school I would - there's subtle things they can do to not make it obvious.

I'm a secondary teacher and a year 7 form tutor. I would recommend contacting the school. You could ask them not to mention it her. (I realise this seems like a bit of a betrayal but I get that she might find conversations about it really humiliating.) If a parent contacted me regarding this, I would do stuff in coaching time like little group activities to break the ice, maybe move the seating plan around to let her try out talking to other people and contact other teachers too. I would also agree with people who say it is early days: there are plenty of kids still feeling like they haven't find their place. Clubs will definitely help. We have schemes like library helpers which has been great in helping quieter kids find their tribe. Her form tutor should be able to help signpost her towards them.
I'm also mother of a year 7 kid so I totally get how painful this is.

Similar happened to my DD , she knew no one in secondary school and all her class had established friendship groups. The girls were all paired up and not friendly . I contacted her tutor to say she always had to sit by herself , he wasn’t helpful , saying he wasn’t going to move individuals / desks to try and help . After a whole term I managed to get her moved to another class and from day one everything changed. The girls were much more friendly , totally different dynamic in the class and she has made really good friends. Some girls can be little bitches at that age and enjoy leaving someone out . DD was young for her age and pretty which I don’t think helped .

My DD struggled. She just went to the library alone at lunchtime and eventually met another girl lurking in the library, they joined the drama group together and she found a little circle. Lunchtime clubs are great for this. She’s still not a social butterfly at 23! But she’s happy and has a little group of genuinely lovely friends. There is no way she’s the only one, tell her to join anything club-wise and also to look out for others in the same situation, they will be there.

I think you should contact the school but not tell her. I started year 7 2weeks later than everyone else not knowing anyone as we had moved house, my form tutor at that time immediately sat me with a group of girls and asked them to look after me, although I didn’t stay friends with them all and went on to make other friends I am still friends with one of them 18 years later.

Sorry OP, that sounds tough. But I think you’re going to have to let her figure it out. Being a preteen girl is hard and I would absolutely respect her wishes about not wanting the others to be forced to be nice to her. This is a huge change, and she will find her own way eventually.

Most secondary schools are on a two week time table, so there’s every chance things will settle once she’s been through the rotation a few times and met everyone again.

My child went to a school without primary friends too. I did a search on Facebook and joined a couple of parent groups for the school, and from there a WhatsApp was setup. Maybe worth a look on social media? Best wishes to your daughter.

Have you put your daughter in a different school than her primary school friends. If so why not transfer her to that school rather than see her so unhappy?

I really feel for your daughter and you. It's so hard watching them struggle. It took my daughter to after Christmas to make proper friends. She's so so scared of rejection and unsure of herself but once she gets going she's ok. I would definitely recommend after school clubs and tell her to try to talk to at least one person a day or make eye contact and smile. If she looks sad or upset people might be less like talk as they might think she doesn't want to. What's happened with the old school friends? Have they told her why? This has probably massively knocked her confidence when she needed it most unfortunately

We had this, it was heartbreaking. Went with lots of people from primary, all in different classes, massive estate and short breaks. Tears every night and morning. What helped was when a teacher buddied her up with a kid who needed help because they were on crutches. It wasn’t a forever friendship, but it got her through the hardest times. Good luck OP, it really is an awful time and I think highlights the massive flaw in our secondary education system, they’re just young for that transition

I would be straight in the phone & the school will be happy to support.