Y7 first days not going well

What do you mean by she didn’t see any potential friends in her class mates? It’s part of growing up and a key life skill to make friends with different types of people and rub along. They don’t need to be friends for life. Just people to hang out with at school.

I managed my children’s expectations going into high school.

Firstly some expect to be in the ‘popular’ groups - when they should be looking for solid friendships. Ask your child to see who’s in their own, who needs a friend.

If they haven’t found their group then others haven’t either.

Yes it’s going to be hard and old friends lost.

DD made a friend on her first day and still friends 8 years later.

Checking in - my DS is struggling. Nothing specific, just v sad he doesn’t know anyone in his class when lots of the others know each other, and people he does know are together in other classes. Tears before and after school and he says he can’t concentrate in school because he feels like crying there.
When I talk about how to talk to people he just says he is too shy. But he has been finding things to do at lunch so I am keeping my fingers crossed it will get better.

My advice is not to panic. The first few weeks, possibly longer are really hard for some. It's unfamiliar and daunting - even if you go with friends from school that's no guarantee as friendships change quickly at high school.
But it does get easier.
Have strategies for dealing with lunches and breaks when they might feel lonely. Clubs, libraries, etc.
Friendships take time to grow. Even those kids who have collected a bunch already will probably chop and change over the next few weeks.

My DC struggled massively starting secondary...to the point where I was seriously considering changing schools. It took a while and has been a hard ride but gradually improved. They went in this week happily with no fuss and have actually been in a great mood as the holidays have felt quite long. I completely feel your pain....it was just the most difficult experience. Keep talking and reassuring. Make home a positive safe space so that it provides some rest. I personally would consider contacting the Head of year to see if there could be a move to be in a form with friends. Even if they can't make a change, it will mean they keep an extra eye out for her.

This was ds when he started high school. Day 2 I even phoned another school to see if they had any places available he was so upset! Lol he’s currently partying abroad with 9 mates from school, and is starting university with his best mate in 2 weeks.

honestly it does get better!!

Yup! Dd started secondary this week, she's autistic and finds school overwhelming at the best of times. She only knows one girl in her form class and she isn't in classes with anyone she knows. She was given a timetable and moreorless left to get on with it. I'm amazed there isn't more support in the first week.

Sad that your children are feeling this way, but glad my DS isn’t the only one. He is autistic, so his maturity is about 2yrs behind his peers and he struggles with change and crowds of people. He’s gone to a 240 year secondary knowing no one. All his friends have gone to our local secondary and he missed out on distance - the school he has got is actually twice as far, but less popular so we got allocated a place.
He has been in tears both today and yesterday (first day) tells me he doesn’t feel old enough to be at secondary, finds having to change classrooms stressful and has no one to play with/talk to at break.
I’ve already e-mailed his form tutor several times, she is looking out for him but I don’t understand why they’ve not hooked him up with another boy in a similar position - he’s apparently not the only one who has no one else from his primary there.
He loves football but he’s too intimidated to play as the boys swear and are quite rough. He sits watching them crying as it reminds him of playing football with his friends at primary and just wants to go back. It breaks my heart and all I can do is try to persuade him he’ll make some friends and to go to the pastoral centre to speak to someone.
On a positive note, his twin sister is happy in her school (all girls so DS couldn’t go) and has loads of her friends from primary with her and being neurotypical has no issues making new friends. Her older sister struggled initially when she started - all her friends were put in classes together and the same house, and she was the only one by herself. The school were really responsive when I raised her upset with them, and she is positively thriving now in year 10. She says she’s glad she wasn’t put with her friends or she wouldn’t have made new friends.
I really hope all of your children who are struggling find their tribe and have a wonderful secondary experience. I’m desperately hoping my DS will, though we are on the waiting list for the closer secondary where all his friends have gone. Last count we were about 28th 🙄

I would flag it next week if not improved.
When mu youngest started, she was fine once her friends all agreed where to meet at break, eg first bench, by the tree. She found thar meeting with her primary friends, and the people they had collected made a good size group, which kinda attracted others. By half term she knew someone friendly in each class.

Echoing the people saying to talk to the school. I raised the same issue with form tutor last year and they set up a little social group for a few kids in the same boat. I'd get in there fast rather than hoping it will turn around.

Clubs can also help, for my DC the Y7 specific clubs were the best, ones that mixed years were too intimidating. Also if there's a decent school library than see if a position as a library assistant is available. School libraries are a safe haven for the quirky. Get a job as a student librarian and you'll always have somewhere to go at lunchtime.

I've got exactly the same situation with my DD. She doesn't know anyone in any of her classes and has been alone at break times. She's not a confident child, I'm just hoping she finds her tribe soon, or even just one likeminded friend. It's so hard for them and hard to watch it as a parent.

I’m another one here whose DC3 started year 7 a year ago. My older two were the only child from their primary at the school, DC3 was too, but had a friend from her out of school hobby, who had attended the one form intake on-site primary, so got immediate access to her friendship group.

Year 7 is brutal, they have gone from being the most important long term pupils, to not knowing where they are going, getting lost is the norm.

it does get better.

Please let someone at the school know.
They will be able to keep an eye out, or try to assist in settling in. Might be able to find a buddy.

My DS struggled joining y7 last year. Knew no-one. Cried most mornings for weeks and struggled up to half term. But then it all clicked and he is now flourishing. It does get better… they just have to stick with it.

Is there any lunch time clubs she can join? They are normally a good way to make friends.

I'm sitting here crying. I have found my people. My 3rd child started secondary today, suffers anxiety and has always hated school anyway. I just want to scoop him up and stay at home cuddling with him all day but that wouldn't benefit him at all. I'm hoping he'll settle in a couple of weeks but considering he didn't in primary I'm not holding much hope for secondary.

Ah I'm so sorry to read these posts. My DD has just gone into year 8 but I remember this time last year vividly. Nobody prepares you.
Have you contacted the schools pastoral support? If not then get in touch with them. Ours have been brilliant with my DD. Honestly, year 7 was tougher than I thought. I think it was partly hormones too. I'm hoping for a smoother year 8
Sending hugs to your kids. Hope it gets better soon.

The first few days are very overwhelming but most get used to it in a week or so.

It is worth noting that the transition to secondary school is often when many children who have ASD but don't know it yet and managed fine in Primary start to struggle.... I am not saying anyone's child is autistic but it is something to keep an eye on especially if they have always been quite quirky and their new school nerves don't settle in a few weeks.

For the next week or so really reduce the demands you put on them, snack and a drink ready when they get home, leave them in peace to let them settle and then talk to them after. Old favourite meals and shows etc as they already have lots of novel things happening throughout the school day. Help them get in a routine of getting uniform and bag ready the night before to reduce rushing etc.

Thanks @cottonwoolbrain it's just so heartbreaking at times isn't it. We had this when he started at primary all those many moons ago - unfortunately he's as tall as me now and not as easy to persuade!
I've done a lot of crying today too and am just hoping it will get better.

Sending huge hugs to all the rest of you and agree with PP, thanks for starting this thread, helps to know not everyone is merrily skipping around having first day photos taken and waltzing into school..

Have you emailed Tutor? Didn't tutor get everyone to say hello to the person sitting next to them? Don't they have a buddy system or a mentor system from the year above?
Join clubs. Talk to people at lunchtime.

Lunch can be a massive pinch point, the canteen is often very busy and loud, with the good weather they should be able to avoid it by having packed lunch outside

@AnnieLewis That must have been very hard for you to handle. I hope you can ease him in tomorrow and that the school will know to treat him gently. It's frightening for them - in some ways they seem quite grown up but really at 11 they're still so young

Just because a school says they don't move children to be with their friends it doesn't mean that they won't if a child is having a horrendous time, they just don't want every parent calling in.

Get in touch with her pastoral lead, explain what the problem is and how it is impacting her and the pinch points in her day. It'll get her on the pastoral teams radar and they can start building a relationship with her and check in periodically so she knows who to go to. There will be something in place sometimes you just have to ask, there might be mentors, a quieter room like the library for students to go to.

Year 7s have it rough until October half term (don't book anything shell probably be run down and/or sleep most of it). When they come back after the half term they are confident they know their way around and have gotten to know their teachers and classes. I always recommended that my year 7s get involved in as many lunchtime and after school clubs so that they can start meeting friends. Often when children move up with lots of friends from Primary these groups have splintered and groups form with new friends by Easter anyway.

Sympathy here we are going through this too

DS is a sensitive soul. He's gone to a school without any friends from primary. It's big, and today (first day) he really didn't enjoy it. He got lost, lunch was so busy, then team building games this afternoon and he totally overheated as in full sun all afternoon.

He is so tired and was crying tonight.

All we can do is support them and know it will get better. But it feels so hard and I'm now sitting here sobbing. Thanks for the thread it's nice to know we aren't the only ones