Y7 first days not going well

I feel like it's one of those many things people lie about. Like how much their baby sleeps. I'm prepared to believe that some kids are "absolutely loving" secondary school by half term but the number of times I have heard that cannot possibly be accurate! I started to lie about it too, feeling defensive on my DD's behalf. I never quite claimed she loved it though. I mean, it's school isn't it.

Similar story here, with a DD who took until Y6 to feel comfortable at her one-form/year primary school and now struggling at big secondary. It's really comforting, though very sad, to read of other children struggling. Sometimes it feels like I've got the most shy, anxious, socially incapable child in the world and can feel a very lonely place when all you hear of are children who are doing ok.

Thank you for starting this thread, and for some of the useful advice above. I'm going to encourage her that she can do this and take stock next week. She is apparently on the senco 'watchlist' (no official sen, just flagged by her lovely Y6 teacher as needing extra support), but I'm not sure that will actually translate to anything unless I push for it, with schools being so under resourced these days.

I don’t understand why they don’t just put school friends in the same class. My DD started year 7 yesterday and has 4 of her friends in the same class and they’ve all made friends with other girls in the class and they all now hang in one big group. Most of them get the same bus as well which my DD says is the best part of the day.she’s always been a social butterfly which probably helps as well.

Ask the school to move her into the class with the girls she knows. Also I’ve been through this with my now 18 year old they all find their tribe in the end.

Big hugs I’m still a nervous wreck today.

Sending unmumsnetty hugs to all. Year 7 is such a hard transition. My son took until part way through year nine to really settle in and still doesn't like school (he's now in year 11 and can't wait to leave). DD is way more socially aware than he is but also found the whole thing exhausting. I don't really have any good advice aside from making sure that school isn't their whole life. Keep up with the clubs they like, get together with old primary friends, or cousins if they have them, any outside activity that they find relaxing.

I've not read all the replies so apologies if I'm repeating some of them.

I'm 2 years further on with my son- he's just started yr9.

The start was horrific. He went in only knowing a small handful of people. He got picked on, called names. Many mornings he cried and refused to go. Or we'd get there and he wouldn't get out of the car- just sit sobbing. Cried himself to sleep etc. He came from a tiny village primary where he was in a class of 3- and only one girl went with him.
He was traumatised listening to the swearing in the playground, seeing scraps - all sorts.

I would definitely recommend getting in touch with the form tutor. Also possibly the head of year or house, and find out if there's a pastoral lead. They will be the initial people who can help to resolve some of this.

Out of school clubs helped my son through the first rocky months- he swims and it was a place several times a week where there were friendly faces and people he knew to talk to.

Other than that, it is a case of riding it out a day at a time. I used to tell my son just to smile and say hi to people he was sat next to. Or to approach other people who were alone and ask to eat with them at lunch.
He also took some art stuff in and he would sit at lunch and draw- he actually met a new friend this way.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. He is now part of a small group of nice kids who he gets on well with. They are quieter members of the school community but they stick together now and they are always on the phone to each other in the evenings.

I never believed we would get to this point as the beginning was so awful- but it's becoming a distant memory.

It will get better. It's a massive change for them but I promise she will settle.

Sending love- I know how horrible it is for you.

Try to reassure her that she can handle it, that it is scary but that she will get to know people and will make new friends. So many of the most important and worthwhile things we do in life are horrible and difficult at first.

If she has close friends from her old school, can she meet up with them at lunchtimes and breaks sometimes?

My feeling is you know your kid best OP. If there are actual friends in another class that would probably help her if it's possible. My DD has asd and was in a class with 2 girls she knew but wasn't friends with and it took her a long time to settle, but settle she did. Seeing everyone else jolly along so quickly was really difficult for her but the truth is she makes good friends at a slower pace than other people but she does do it in the end. Accepting this about herself has been a good lesson even though it was really nailbiting for me at times.

I agree though that if there is a quick and easy fix that you're sure will improve things then absolutely ask about it.

My dd went to a different school to friends, it takes time, reassure her but don't worry too much

My advice would be to keep a close eye on things, support and take as much pressure off as you can to help them settle. Just to flag - we had a really rough time at the start of year 7 (move from tiny primary to huge secondary where he knew nobody)but we kept making him go in every day all year. This was rough and it never really improved - we had a therapist, and supports put in to help, but the level of anxiety and stress never went down. We eventually found out this summer that he is autistic and, on advice from specialists, we have pulled him out of that big school and are starting a hybrid (2 days a week in person and three days online) school for year 8. Basically the school was just too huge and overwhelming, particularly because of the sensory challenges he has, and no amount of support was going to change that. The sad thing is, that year of pushing him in every day has ended up causing him a lot of trauma, and his mental health is a wreck. His anxiety about everything is through the roof and his self-esteem is seriously damaged. We are having to work very slowly and carefully to try and build him back up and undo the damage last year did. If we had known he was autistic we would never have sent him to that school, but he masked like a champion and we had no idea.
I am sure your kids will all be fine, but my advice would be if it gets to January and things are still really rough, think carefully about whether a change might be best.

I disagree with Spinet, I would've emailed tutor. Both my ds's were fine, knew loads of people from primary and their football team, but Many children, ASD or just shy, or many other reasons, struggle. Why? Unnecessarily. School could easily match a pair up, mention it casually in assembly. Why wait, unnecessarily?

I know it's really really really hard to watch your kid struggling but I would resist the temptation to rush in and fix things for her, at least for a little while. This is her battle to fight and you need to be (appear to be!!!) confident she can win it because if she manages it herself it will teach her all sorts of things about how to make friends, understanding that bad situations don't last forever, advocating for herself etc. That's the biggest gift you can give her.

That said I wouldn't let the misery drag on if it doesn't improve in a couple of weeks. Set you and her a deadline for when you have a chat about what can be done and then you can intervene. In the meantime just make home as cosy and supportive as you can. Good luck, this WILL pass one way or another.

lovepets makes a really good point.
High schools are generally really good at helping kids who need some extra support but aren't diagnosed with ASD etc. Do flag up concerns with the head of year or pastoral care.
Make sure your kids know where to go for things like list property and spare sanpro too. Better to find out before you actually need it.

My dc was so excited for school. He was ready for secondary a year ago. He's come home brimming with excitement and has loved his teachers and the canteen etc. And even he had a huge breakdown last night. In absolute bits. It's just completely overwhelming for them. Plus it gets bigged up so much- at the end of the day it's just school. I'm confident there are no actual problems, it's just too much change.

Just posting to say that I totally get you OP and other posters in the same situation.

It's my DD's first full day today. She's autistic and has been really anxious about the transition.

My stomach is in knots for her.

Morning, thanks so much, that made me tear up - doesn't take much today. He has gone in. The meet up yesterday with the deputy seemed to help. DH dropped him as he's less emotional than me and I think it was a good job as apparently he looked very nervous and then wouldn't look at him when they lined up. I'm doing pick up.

How did everyone else get on today?Anyone else make it in and hopefully a little less nervously?
xx

@AnnieLewis You were in my thoughts this morning. Did he go in? I really hope it was a better morning - if he didn't, it may be worth phoning the school and asking if you can bring him in the afternoon so he can just spend an hour or two there to start him off.

My grandson started yesterday. He was 'quirky' through primary, and ASD was discussed, but apparently he wasn't severe enough to refer for assessment. He spent the summer holidays agonising over going to secondary school, his OCD grew hugely, and he struggled to the extent that my son emailed the SENDCO.
She rang yesterday saying it takes 3 years for a diagnosis, but they don't need one to get extra help in school. She sent a 'pupil passport' to the other teachers so that they are all aware of him, and will report back to my son in a month. He also has a pass to go somewhere quiet at lunchtime.
I was impressed, to be fair. So my advice would be to flag your children to head of year, pastoral team or SENDCO, so at least they're aware they're struggling.
The school also only had year 7 in for 2 days to give them a bit of a chance to settle. Like some of yours, he didn't report back much, and had a bad headache by the end of the day.
I watched my son struggle and be bullied to the extent I moved him schools, but it only got mildly better. It's very hard to watch my grandson struggle too.
Good luck to all your children; maybe we can report back at half term and see how they're all doing. Oh, and a maths test on the first day is just cruel. They're must be other ways of putting them into sets

DS's transition consisted of a half day induction - which was mainly PE which he unfortunately detests, some links to a video about the school and an online count down to first day by days, hours, minutes and seconds... I didn't show him that I figured he was anxious enough already without that sort of extra pressure!!

There will be a PGL trip in October. They emailed us about it yesterday morning on their first day asking for £180 by Wednesday next week.

On the other hand I did have a nice email from his head of year saying he knows that DS and a few others are the only ones coming from their particular primary schools and he will be keeping an eye on them and to let him know of any particular difficulties especially if we're still concerned by the end of next week. I'm glad they're at least thinking about it.

DS said he felt ill this morning - tummy ache. However, he walked in to school with minimal fuss but I feel so sad for him.

It's such a tough transition. My eldest DD is in Year 8 now and went up with almost all her primary classmates. At first she stuck with them like a limpet but soon made some new friends that are actually a far better fit for her, she still speaks to the old primary crew but they generally annoy her! It really does all change in that first half term, although it feels like a lifetime away at the moment.

How did they all go in this morning? DS didn't sleep well and was super super nervous, but also talking in a sensible way that things will feel better.

Just wish it wasn't so hot as that is making everything worse especially when they had PE yesterday

Fingers crossed for all the other kids struggling

Did they not do any sessions before to help break the ice and help them get to know each other? Most schools do this and also connect "singles" with each other so they can make friends in the first few days. I would be talking to the school quickly. If she knows someone in a diff class then ask to have her moved. If she doesn't know a soul, then the school need to help with making connections in class or through after school clubs/sports etc.

Transition massively varies.
DD had a day in her new school. Went well but that didn't translate to going well in the first few weeks. The school arranged an activity day with team building etc but it was poorly run and she came home very upset. Lunch clubs were really patchy and the only one she liked folded after a few weeks when the teacher stopped running it.
That was 5 years ago and I suspect that it has improved. But it wasn't great for DD.
One of my local schools runs a week long summer school which is brilliant for orientation and making friends.
She's just starting at 6th form this week so we'll see how that goes!

I’m interested in what transition looks like in some of these schools. My DD has started at a girls school and they had one full day last term with their new class and a 2 day summer school ( which we couldn’t attend due to holidays). Then they had a half day on Monday before the rest of the school started. We’ve also got a weekend at PGL lined up in October. It feels like they’re very conscious of these issues. We’re lucky that the majority of girls from her pretty large primary school have gone to the same school so she knows plenty of people. I can remember tough friendship issues in previous years though which thankfully has always resolved after a week or two.

*more scared THAN you!

I always said to my dc look for the child that looks more scared to you, sit next to them and introduce yourself - have a few conversational pointers and questions and take it from there.