11+ is going to ruin me

@emmagow13 I think you'll find that the vast, vast majority of kids are heavily tutored. Maybe your grandchild was too, but you weren't told about it. Many parents don't admit to it!

If your child needs this much tutoring to get him to pass then he shouldn't be sitting the test. Grammars are for top % of kids. They start teaching from day 1 from higher level than non selective schools as assume if got in you know the basics. So children crammed to get in struggle from day 1. Grammar school Daughter tells me that quite a few in year group won't be invited to stay for 6th form as scoring 2 and 3 on mock GCSEs as cannot keep up. Grammars do 11 or 12 GCSEs as norm and are expected to get 6-9 grades (with 6s frowned upon TBH). Crammed kids better to go to non selective school where all kids are supported and they are expected to take 9 GCSEs and taught at a pace can keep up with. I know of several children crammed yo get in who then have tutors for several subjects throughout years 7-11 to keep up. Just not worth it. People missing the point of grammars. They are to stretch the more naturally able.

Fingers crossed 🤞🏻 your son got the desired results

@AlwaysReadyNeverSteady how did your son get on? Do you now need to go through a school selection process?

Did he pass? Fingers crossed you get your preferred school

Just to clarify in case someone jump on me, DC had carried on with all his after school clubs throughout as well as weekend outings; only had to sacrifice his weekends in the few months leading up to the exams. ..

"I cried my eyes out as he walked into the building (obviously he didn't see this) because I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. He looked so tiny, especially compared to the boys who'd already turned 11. I really wish that he didn't have to do it. I felt bloody awful.

He came out smiling! Said it was easier than the mocks he'd been doing and didn't seem fazed at all. He's obviously relieved it's all over and I'm so proud of him for having the courage to do it."

OP, I felt the same when DC walked with his dad to queue outside the school in that early autumn morning. I felt so emotional so I let DH take DC to make the queue, while I stayed in the car waiting for DH to return.

After the second round, when I picked up DC, I told him honestly that I felt wanting to cry, because we worked so hard for two years and I felt immensely proud of him. (He told me, "Don't. You need to drive properly! 😂)

He had a sudden phase of maturity in the last stretch of that journey, when he finally decided to take on the responsibility on his own shoulder - I refused to push him any longer and I needed him to make up his mind what he really want, as the last few hundred metres before the finish line were so bloodily hard... But he wanted go to this school thanks to the inspirating environment he saw in the opening day.

The transformation from a child to a responsible young person was astonishing within a few weeks.

We got the result today. Still have to wait till March, as the result doesn't constitute an offer. But the result was a positive one and I feel so proud of him. But even before we got the result, as a parent, I have to say the 11+ preparation process has produced more than just a final score or one result. It made him a completely different person. He learned the value of hardworking and he knows for fact that as long as he put his efforts in and work hard, he can do better each time. It's invaluable. He learned that at the most anxious moment, what he needed to focus was himself, not to compete, nor to compare, but purely to be responsible to himself. It made such a difference in the exam days.

I know some would criticise two years were too much for a child at this age. I agree it's not a journey that everyone would take. But both DH and I grew up in an environment that we know how important hardworking is to life. If purely based on "talent" or "intelligence" that someone was born with, how is that fairer? A person can't decide how smart they are, but they can decide how much efforts they would put in working towards their goals. Isn't that what matters the most in life?

OP, hope your DC has received positive result and get in his preferred school. X

We got DDs test results this morning she got ranked group b so not guaranteed a place .

I am not disappointed in the slightest and proud of her for even attempting it . It’s probably not the school for her since speaking to her afterwards , has her heart set on another school so fingers crossed for that one .

I hope your son did well OP and good luck to all others waiting for results !

@AlwaysReadyNeverSteady I guess your DS may have had his result by now. I hope he did well, but that whatever happens you and he are proud of his efforts.

^AlwaysReadyNeverSteady* my child is from a disadvantaged background but failed 11 plus. It is hard to take. I hope your child got through. It sounds as though you threw everything at it.

I did not tutor enough. I thought my child would be that one who was bright. I got group tuition but I don't think it worked.

What you should do is listen to him and back off. He's clearly upset because he is stressed out and under too much pressure. A tutor for 18 months is too much! 18 months is a huge period of a child's life. My son sat it and in preparation we worked on his weaker area , creative writing, for around 30 mins a week for 6 weeks in the run up to it. We did just enough of looking at past papers for him to get a feel for them. Even then I felt as though I still didn't want to put him under undue pressure. In exchange for him spending time looking at past papers, we just ignored homework requests from his primary school during that period. Most of the homework was rather pointless for him anyway. Just don't get caught up in the pressure. I'm sure that he will do well wherever he ends up.

Fingers crossed you get the result he needs OP.

We are due for another war so the current values will be shredded and new thinking will emerge

But nice to hear everything calmed down and your son seems happy. Above anything else that's great!

The thing is @AlwaysReadyNeverSteady if your DS is bright he will almost certainly be fine. I'll get slated for saying this! But both my children went to the (only) local comp - no grammars and wasn't goi g to go private. The comp actually got put into special measures just after they left. Yet they literally aced every exam - one went to durham, the other to Cambridge, and they both are doing what they want to be doing as twenty somethings. They werent alone either. One of DS's contemporaries has just started work as a professor at Stamford following undergrad and post grad at Oxford. He was the son of a fisherman. Like
My kids, just bright and a bit driven. So don't panic if your son doesn't get in. I'll get shouted at but bright kids can do well in bad comps. And they love being top of the tree!

I think it depends on the child. Some thrive in stressful situations others don't. DH is the former as is DS. They get bored if they are too relaxed. I used to be like them but not anymore. I like stability.

I struggle to see how we will have mostly healthy mindset adults in the future

Eldest DD is sitting the exam this week !

-*mins has already sat it

Op, I don't know where you are based, but hope it went well / will go well for your child.

Mine say it, he said he feels much different now that it's all over - he did feel the pressure and it was a difficult few months leading up to the exam, but he is actually very pleased he did it; it feels like a big achievement for him, whether or not he passed the test is another matter but he is happy still!

I thought this was a really good post ^^^

It matches my experience.

Op sorry if it's been mentioned already but unless it's super selective, he will already with done extra maths and exposure to nvr be ready sorry plus exam technique.

I totally understand parents wanting to make it cast iron that their dc will pass esp in grammatically areas but they don't really need this massive extra load.
What I trying to say is back off now.
In my experience they need the maths which often isn't taught, the exam technique, and exposure to nvr.
One of my dd was just on the greater depth math cusp at school and gd for everything else.
I did what I've said above and put her in for a coaching school mock 11 plus. We did a few bits here and there mainly on nvr and looked at u tube.
She passed and she's now apparently "high" in her cohort.
The other one could have done with the 11 plus coaching school but only because her experience has been very different.

Op also no child really likes their parent teaching them.

At this point and having had a tutors for so long I would relax back and let what happens happens.

To parents who are reading this thread and considering a grammar for their child: please do not let some of the comments here put you off even trying. I live in a grammar area in South London and find it disheartening that some families who wanted a grammar for their smart, motivated children ended up giving up because of hearing that it is impossible to succeed without enormous sacrifices. Yes, some families do make such sacrifices (their choice) but not all. And yes, successful preps require a lot of commitment but not at all the the extent sometimes mentioned here or in other similar threads. My son -who is no way Einstein- has a place at his first-choice grammar and, while he did work hard for it, he 'only' started preps in Y5 and continued extra-curricular activities 4 to 6 times a week throughout (including the nights before the tests). He went to parties, on holidays, played video games, etc. There was still plenty of time to prep. Not sure how beneficial more hours would have been since he would have been very tired. Quality over quantity :) My husband and I prepared him, which I accept may not work for everyone but if you can't find/afford a good tutor, it may be an option. There are a lot of great books and free online resources available. IMO, the key is to focus on the format/scope of the tests and to make sure your kid does a lot of physical activity, which helps optimise brain function and keep them relaxed. And invest your money in PTA mocks if they exist. And of course make sure your child has seen the local comps and believe (rightly or wrongly!) they are a good alternative.

Of course everyone's circumstances (family, financial, etc) are different. I say all the above as a parent who recognises that the grammar system is unfair but that's another topic!

@AlwaysReadyNeverSteady Wonderful to hear that you have made changes and things have improved. I like the honesty in your OP and think this is a brave thread. It must be particularly tough to go through this as a single parent. Best wishes to your boy.