11+ is going to ruin me

Poor boy. This is the problem with the 11 plus system in a nutshell. If someone needs extensive coaching to get through the exam, what is the point of doing it?

What are you trying to achieve?

Its OK to feel slighted by your DC, it’s hard for driving instructors to teach their own dc to drive because the dynamic is different (for example). Your Dc isn’t knocking your professional experience or skills. You are just his mum…

All the 11+ she uff is massively alien to me and I’m not really sure of the point of it but if it’s stressing you out to this extent I’d wonder if it’s worth it.

I do get the feeling of wanting them to succeed - this year in our house with one doing a levels and one GCSEs it’s been ridiculously hard. BUT that’s all been based on the DC wanting very specific grades for specific life paths and working really hard to get them. And I also have a 10 year old DC who spends all their time playing out, playing Lego, reading, playing Minecraft, learning their music and doing gymnastics etc who looks at the teenagers studying like crazy with horror. They declare they don’t want to be a teenager because of all the work. They wouldn’t manage to study as you describe with that kind of pressure, and I wouldn’t make them, so it doesn’t surprise me you are feeling the strain.

If your child needs a 1:1 tutor for almost two years prior to the exam in order to pass, then how the hell do you think they’ll manage in the actual school?

Retired primary teacher here. Really, it sounds as if he's overwhelmed by the whole thing. It would be better to take the pressure off and let him decide himself if and when he wants to do the work. I would include tutoring in that. Fine if he wants to, but it needs to be his own decision.
Getting to a grammar school is good but it's not the only educational route. Do you have a good comprehensive school in the area?

Agree with @Roomonthedustpan There's a lot of 'I' and 'me' in your post.

Perhaps leave the tutor to tutor him and you to mum him? It sounds like you are super anxious about the whole process and you probably focus on it more than you realise and more than he wants you to.

Poor lad, when does he get to be a kid?

For some kids parents might not be the best tutor, even yourself is the teacher with a lot of experience you can't take away the emotional bonding and so does your son. I would say do not be to be too emotional stress and just keep this in mind.

Thank you, so most children will actually be 10 then, interesting, just out of interest how clever do children have to be, what % of a class would pass?

I would read back your post and then really think hard about what you’re doing here. You are completely focused on yourself and what you want. If he needs this much coaching then grammar school is not right for him. Why are you so desperate for him to go to grammar? I’d be concerned if you were teaching my child. I can’t believe every child you teach achieves above average. Children are humans and not machines. I’ve a child in a grammar and non selective. There is zero nurturing in grammar. You leave as you enter. If enter in the bottom streams it’s where you leave. In the other school you are nurtured from bottom to top if you are able. I wish my grammar school child had also gone to the non selective. I tried to move them but couldn’t get a place. Be careful what you wish for.

If he is that capable he is able to pass why does he need the tutoring? This does not sound healthy for him at all, take the pressure off

It just sounds like it’s all too much for him at the moment can you take a break until the summer holidays?

We don’t have the 11+ here but how is it September? Does that mean he still has a whole year left in primary?

It's different kind of learning to classroom stuff hence all the tutoring.

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