11+ is going to ruin me

I'm afraid in MN you will mostly get crushed, try elevenplusexams forum perhaps you will get a more positive response.

He wants to do it. He loves the school. I have assured him endless times that it doesn't matter whether he passes or not. It matters to me because of the alternatives, however he has no idea I feel this way. I have assured him that it will all be great, whatever the outcome. I have asked him many, many times if he still wants to do it and it is his choice. He tells me he wants to. Repeatedly.

You may be well educated in teaching but clearly not in psychology. It’s likely that your son is aware of how much you want him to pass and therefore saying ‘no I don’t want to do this,’ will inevitably lead to your disappointment which he would not want to do.
I think it sounds like he’s feeling the pressure hence the emotional meltdown. I would take a break completely for a couple weeks.

Take a huge step back. Give him the materials and leave him to it.
He should pass in any event if Grammar school is right for him.
Reassure him that all will be fine if he doesn't pass and you will love him just the same. Demonstrate this to him.

Exactly this. It was 12+ when I took it. There was an extra class in our middle school in yr6. They all went to the grammar. A few from the other two classes. The extra class was in place before the test. I wonder if it was more teacher selected then. I didn’t pass. Went to a very average secondary. Very average 6th form. V good uni and have had a successful career. Not all the girls who went to the grammar even got into uni. It was less of a free for all. I’ve one child at the grammar and one not, the non grammar is a better all round school. The grammar wants results for its reputation, not the kids well-being. This is the system here. Increasing numbers are opting out of the 11+. This is interesting to see. Ultimately, your secondary school has minimal baring on future success. There are kids in my grammar child’s year on a fast track to nowhere. In my child’s non selective with places at Oxford, Durham and St Andrews 🤷‍♀️

Are you aware that a proportion of the 11+ isn't taught in schools until after the test date? If they haven't been exposed to some of the elements, it doesn't matter how bright they are. They wouldn't know where to start.

I didn't know that. I genuinely thought it was a test that anyone could do if they were clever enough.

I only know one person who lives in a grammar school area and her child got in without tutoring. She has always come across as bright as a button though.

I’m just not sure it’s worth it. Especially as I don’t know anyone under 50 who has taken an 11+ exam. I didn’t and went to a very good school, my DC didn’t and they go to “grammar” schools. I’m guessing it’s a whole different system?

Atom learning is an online platform that teaches and assesses for 11+, and benchmarks them against other aiming for each school.

You omitted “some.” I’m also a single parent. I get it. I have teenagers. I get it. Their dad is absent - physically, emotionally and financially. I get it. I work full time. I get it.

I also know that pushing a child into grammar school will do them more harm than good. I’ve seen it.

You posted in the public domain, asking for responses. I gave mine.

The tutoring around the 11+ needs to stop across the board.
I passed the eleven plus with a very high score , top 1% of those who took it that year. I'd never even seen a practice paper, both my parents left school at 14 with no formal qualifications and I went to a small bog standard primary school. Children who are aggressively coached to pass will either drown at Grammar or need another seven years of intensive tutoring to keep up. That's no life for a child.
Let him be if he passes great, if he doesn't he'll be fine.
I didn't end up going to a grammar because we moved at the end of year six to a non-grammar area. I ended up in a poor/middling standard comp in a pretty rough area. I still did well. If a child is bright, they are bright.

Trouble is it's probably an arms race in OP's area. I bet they're all at it tutoring for years on end.
Stupid system.

OP you need to step away and leave it as a transaction between your child and the tutor.

A very sensible and measured response.

@AlwaysReadyNeverSteady does your DS want to sit the 11+? And attend the school that passing this would (I assume) get him into. Only asking as my son did not want to sit it, which we honoured he is a highly intelligent now adult at oxbridge uni, but did not want to travel to our nearest grammar school, leave his friends and the ability to walk to and from school.

Exactly this. He’s at primary school. Football, swimming, lolling, not school work. They’re only children for a short time. He’ll burn out. Lose any interest in studying. My parents used to force us to read books. My brother hasn’t read a book since he left school. He links reading to a challenging time. He still says, it was more important to them that he read than was happy. He’s since been diagnosed as dyslexic. My parents didn’t think to look at why he was a reluctant reader. Funnily enough, through sheer tenacity and character, he has a far better and more senior job than either of my parents had. They focused on the wrong success factors.

It all sounds too much. dd is at grammar and I didn’t push that hard because it needs to be a much more organic process to cope with it

every night is too much give him some space

How long have you been working with him? I worked with both of mine from year 4, my eldest used to get upset because I was strict but by the end we had a strong bond (he's still grateful I was mean).

If working together isn't working, why not let him do it independently for a week and see if he works better or appreciate your support.

I work in a grammar school and this is part of the problem - absolutely everyone has tutoring to get through the exam, so if op didn’t her son would be at a disadvantage. There is a lower entrance score for pupil premium pupils but generally it is not a level playing field. I’m honestly not sure it’s worth all the extra pressure and stress on kids, many of whom won’t get in despite being very bright because it’s so competitive. I would suggest your son took a break op. If he is taking the exam in September then you have probably done everything you can to prepare him for the exam and he’s better recharging over the summer.

Exactly this. One of my kids is in a grammar. Just completed GCSEs. Some in his year failed, as in Us many of their mocks. If they’ve made up the grades to a 5 pass it will be a miracle I guess. You can want your child to be in a grammar for your social status but the damage you will do that child is immeasurable. Grammars are for kids that can self motivate and basically teach themselves. It’s tough. My child has hated it. My child in a non selective has thrived because learning is more teachers nurtured. The myth that all grammar school kids do well needs to be dispelled.

DS and I massively fell out when I was tutoring him (and that was for A Level, and he'd asked me to do it). I think it's hard tutoring your own child.

It sounds like your DC is doing a lot. Surely he must be pretty well prepared by now and you can back off - maybe let him lead the pace a bit more?

Also: His father is utterly useless and does NONE of the work with him.

Is this what is making you frustrated? Does he find his father 'utterly useless?'

Goodness, the poor boy sounds like he has an awful lot of pressure and expectation placed on him... are you sure this is what he wants as opposed to what you want? You're going over school work with him on a Saturday... in addition to the tutoring he gets, and the school hours themselves... how much down time is he getting? I've had two go through this stage to go to grammar and we didn't put in those hours, a bit of extra revision but no tutoring. If they'd needed tutoring we certainly wouldn't have been doing additional work on a Saturday with them.

You know how you, and all your colleagues, feel at this point in the school year? Snappy, knackered, running on empty? He probably feels the same. It’s not you, it’s just ‘everything’. It’s hot, school is busy, tutoring is hard work. Over the summer you can split the time up, and won’t be having to contend with homework too.

Go out for an ice cream today, sit in the garden if you have one.

He’s completely overwhelmed. As a parent and a teacher you should see this. Leave him alone now. He’s been tutored 1:2 for months. You’re complaining about the cost and the effort. Leave it now. If he’s going to pass he’s going to pass. Ruining his summer holidays and then no doubt his yr 6 if he doesn’t pass, will result in mental health problems. He already sound close to breakdown. A child in my son’s school took his life this year. A girl in another local school did too. Take the pressure off parents. It’s not worth this.