11+ is going to ruin me

You sound like a lovely mum and a good teacher.

The 11+ system puts pressure on children to perform. You can’t avoid that if you live in an area where access to good schools = passing the test. Even thought your DS’ tutor thinks he’s capable of passing and you’ve said you don’t care about the result, your DS is under pressure. He’s not stupid - he knows that a pass is better than a fail, that you’re paying a tutor to prepare him for the test and that it will determine which school he goes to. The fact that he’s capable of passing means that he carries that weight of expectation.

You’ve offered him the chance to pull out of the test/tutoring and he’s said no. You’re doing everything right. The only other thing you could do, which might link in with his comment about you being ‘too positive’, is give him a space to talk about how he’s feeling without trying to ‘fix’ it. If he’s feeling frightened, anxious, under pressure etc let him say that without jumping in to offer him an out or telling him you don’t care about the result. Listen, give him a hug. Getting the feelings out can help. Reassure him that it’s a totally normal reaction.

I think posters are responding to your OP where you said "he has a LOT of homework". Which paints the picture that he's under a lot of pressure to do a LOT.

I wonder if your positivity (which has the best of intentions) actually feels pressurising to him. I say this having had similar experience with my parents saying things like “you’ll be fine” and “you always do well” and “you know all the stuff” and me really feeling I didn’t but that it wasn’t ok to fail because they clearly believed in me and wanted it so much. Not sure if that explains it but a level of “relentless” positivity might mean he feels he can’t say he’s worried about it or feels too much pressure on him. Even if he says it’s ok, he might feel that’s what he HAS to say.

It’s not his fault that you have chosen to live close to a school that is so awful you don’t want him to go there, but it now sounds as though you are putting the pressure on him to solve this poor planning on your part by passing the 11 + and getting you out of this dilemma. Does he hear you talk about this school negatively, does he hear you say this is why he needs to pass the exam?

Does he have other activities and interests outside school, like a sport, a hobby, a club? When does he get to switch off and just be?

It sounds as though his whole life is bound up at the moment with learning and academia and tutoring, and, frankly I think he is beginning to resent it and the intrusion in his life . Be careful , he also might be starting to think that the only thing you value about him is his learning and passing the damn 11 + which as far as he can see is going to be the focus in the family for the next 14 months. Back off, let him relax.

As a teacher you should know that the very worst psychological markers for a child to be unable to learn are having a need to achieve ( which you are pushing hard) and a fear of failure ( worrying that he won’t fulfil your expectations).

If your child doesn't cope well with the pressure now perhaps they will find it even worse in an academic grammar school with 15-20 hours of homework a week, plus after school clubs - it's a grind. Give him a break.

Far far too much pressure for a child. Perhaps he doesn't want to give up because he senses that it's your dream, or that you have told him what a good school he will get to go to etc. He will have had almost two years of coaching/tutoring. Can you remember how long two years seems to a child? If he needs that much coaching, then it's not the right place for him. My son applied to a grammar school and several others all of which required passing tests and doing interviews etc. He's very quiet and his weakness is creative writing. We spent an hour a week for 6 weeks confidence building by looking at examples of the types of questions he would get, coming up with ways to answer them more easily and we watched a five min YouTube video on how to do an interview (just a general one and not school related). That was all it took to familiarise him and just give him that little confidence boost. He passed all his exams and got several offers. I also didn't make him do any homework from school. Just ease off a bit. Also don't be hard on yourself. It doesn't matter that you are a teacher or supportive. Teaching your own child is an altogether different experience.

Yes!

@BlueMediterranean Yup and than you get criticised as a school for your progress 8. Pressure from SLT etc. Shame the parents stopped tutoring at the very useless SATS level and didn't bother in the much more important GCSEs.

Then they do their GCSE mocks and all hell breaks out. Why no 9s? Why no 5s!!! Err. Because!

@MarigoldGlove Your friend was probably lying. Not having a tutor doesn't equal not being tutored. Most people say they didn't tutor but did it themselves. OPs son is being intensely tutored, this is very different to normal tutoring.

I hear you! We live in an 11+ area and the years leading up to the test are absolute torture for kids and parents. It’s not an option not to tutor as nearly all kids are and therefore not to tutor is seriously disadvantaging your child. And it is impossible to tutor your own children (I have 2 DC in grammar), even sitting doing the homework with them is torture. I have tutored a few other kids too and their attitude is definitely different to tutoring your own.

My best advice is do little and often over the holidays, keep on top of mental maths, if he’s borderline don’t choose a top performing grammar (they do vary) as you’re more likely to win an appeal if he doesn’t qualify.

Are you in a super-selective area OP?

Non verbal reasoning technique isn’t taught. Maths and vocabulary is. Non verbal reasoning practice books can be bought in WH Smith’s etc. Verbal reasoning is essentially vocab and comprehension and maths is… maths! Reading fiction and non fiction is good practice. Even comics.

Depends on which area what grammar schools. In some area 11+ it is unlikely to get it if not properly prepared despite super bright. It is a level playing field problem as pp pointed out.

This!

I'm a secondary school teacher. Every year we get lots of students who got very good SAT results because of all the 1:1 tutoring. They end up in the top set of everything with very high expectations for GCSE and A Levels

It's putting a huge pressure on secondary school teachers as if they don't achieve as expected it is somehow our fault.

It is also very frustrating for students as every year they are going to be told they are working below expectations.

As a teacher, you know what makes the difference in outcome, right?

Assuming the desired outcome is a healthy successful well rounded adult.

Clue: not the 11 plus

i would allow your son to take control.

he should be able to choose to continue preparing for the exam, or stop preparing for the exam.

if he wants to continue preparing, he should be able to say whether he wants to continue with the tutor, or whether he wants to switch to an online platform like atom (which is excellent btw)

whatever his preparation approach he should be able to set his own timetable so he can structure his approach.

you can offer advice but it’s not your exam, it’s his.

I can understand this though. He's probably thinking I've forgotten the formula but mum is all positive so I'm just going to disappoint her if I own up that I've forgotten/will forget. She's saying it's completely understandable because I haven't been taught it, but is it also completely understandable if I have been taught it but can't remember.
I think your method doesn't really work for your kid. You need to acknowledge to him that this sucks and it's not easy, and this formula is hard, you might forget it in the exam and that's ok. The alternative schools are fine, don't stress. That sort of thing. You might have already done this but it sounds like your son needs a lot more of it.
He really won't do well in the actual test if he's stressing so much over it as his mind will go blank.
I second the atom learning suggestions.

Do you live in an "11 plus area", where approx 25% of children go to grammar schools, e.g. Kent? If so, there are no "comps" since comprehensive schools take children of all abilities, including the high achieving. I am asking because I am trying to understand your options. You say you can't move for better schools because you can't afford it. But the vast majority of the country doesn't have the grammar/secondary modern school system any more so you could move areas for schools which are truly comprehensive. I have a "high-achieving" Y11 DD at a comprehensive and honestly can't see how or why her school experience would have been better at a grammar school. I'm also a single mum so I appreciate how hard it is doing this by yourself - please don't think I am dismissing your desire for him to go to the grammar school. I am just asking if it is that important in the overall scheme of things given how upset it is making him.