11+ is going to ruin me

Tutoring since some topics not covered. Exam techniques not covered and needs to be done.
Summer holiday is time to do a bit during weekdays but set up fun time.
Maybe not be too positive but really acknowledge his hard work and effort. Mention that all this is for good standing for secondary school and whatever the outcome of 11+ it is all good.

DS has just completed his first year at Oxbridge (got a first in his exams) he got in to a superselective grammar school from the wait list. We did a practice paper (5 days a week) from Easter year 5 until the exam. If he wants a shot at a place he will need to work over this summer.

This is utter nonsense. I didn't tutor, or did I pay a tutor for my elder two DC, the vast majority of their peers did not have additional tutoring at 11+ age either. Tutoring is less prevalent in general here. My thoughts are ultimately that if a child needs additional tutoring, then they'll struggle with the demands of grammar school. When my friends tell me their DC didn't have a tutor either I believe them...

For 18 months though???? so in year 4???? 1-2 terms is enough. What are you going to start with in year 6? gcse tutoring?

My dc sat the 11+ in sept year 6 (and independent school 11+ in the January). They had two terms of tutoring one hour a week to work on exam technique as they were sitting 2 diff grammar school exams and 4 diff independent schools. The eighteen months of tutoring you describe, at that level, is an awful lot and would suggest that 11+ might be a stretch - or that that tutoring will need to continue all the way through secondary in order to keep up with a grammar cohort if they get in.

I did this with DS1 (although no tutor).
I'd leave it now until the summer holidays, then do the prep alternate days in the morning for an hour or so, before going out to do something fun.

I think your positivity around the formula -“you’ll know what to do next time” - is possibly difficult for him. Yet another thing for him to learn and master. And what if he doesn’t know what to do next time? What if he forgets? Or gets confused? It is a pressure on him, even if you don’t mean it that way. I would back off and leave it to the tutor. You do the parenting. That’s your job -being his mum.

My mother put me through extensive tutoring for the 11+ and I was so overwhelmed and simply anxious over it that I also had a meltdown. I really didn’t want to do it in the end and ended up in a bog standard comp even though I passed the test. Think about it from his side.

Leave it to the tutor.

TBH you're probably confusing the hell out of him tutoring in a different way to her. Every tutor's worst nightmare tbh, parents getting over involved.

You're paying her to do a job. You said she was good and came recommended.

You leave her to it. Simples.

And as you both say, he's bright enough. If he is, he will get in. That's it.

If he's not, he'll drown whilst he's there anyway.

No. She absolutely was not lying. We don't have the sort of relationship where we lie to each other.

Maybe he doesn’t appreciate the positivity because it doesn’t acknowledge the work is hard?

I mean finding things hard but not giving up is a hard lesson.

You both sound a bit wrung out.

@AlwaysReadyNeverSteady whatever happens if he has a supportive home life he'll
Be fine, OP. We ran from a grammar area because it was so pressurised. Ended up in a comp area with at best average provision. In fact shortly after my youngest left the school got put into special measures. Despite this one went to Cambridge and the other to Durham. Both are well adjusted, working adults.
The atmosphere around Tiffin entrance in SW London was awful. Parents would keep tutoring a secret in many cases, denying their kids had any. Yet the kids would accidentally divulge they had been tutored since Y4!! Just awful

Ah OP you sound so stressed and upset. For what it’s worth you sound like a great parent and that you’re trying your best for your son.

It sounds from what you’ve said that the whole situation has become stressful for both of you. I believe you when you say you don’t put pressure on him but kids absorb the message from the community they live in which schools are seen as good and which aren’t. He will have absorbed this from school/peers (I’m an ex primary teacher so I know they all talk about this in Y4/5/6 and I wonder if he’s putting the pressure on himself based on his knowledge of schools? I wonder if he feels stuck between a rock and a hard place?

I'm in NI where thr vast majority of kids do the 11 plus, the approach that most parents i know took was to let the teachers teach, let the tutors tutor and let parents just be parents.

We treated it as no different to any other type of homework, ie off you go and do it and and shout if you are stuck with something. Left tutor work to the tutor, they did a test at home and went through it with the tutor, had a notebook to write any questions for the tutor during the week. We didn't go through them at home.

We took our role as protecting them through it, so we didn't really talk about it at all at home, didn't focus on any score or where they might go to, just kept everything low key. On the day just focused on going in and doing your best, and if it wasn't enough on that day, as long as you walk out knowing you gave it your best shot, then you hold your head high no matter the outcome.

Its a horrible process so wish you all the best with it.

why on earth has he had all this tutoring and not even in year 6 yet? it's overkill! leave him alone and let him be a little boy. i can't believe the 11+ even still exists!

You’re doing the best you can for your DS and you’re not pushing him into something he doesn’t want to do. That sounds like good parenting to me. In an ideal world we’d all have good, safe schools within walking distance that would automatically admit all DC in the catchment. In the real world, we make the best of what we’ve got to work with.

Ignore the contrary fuckers.

I think this is good advice.

If he's getting on fine with the
tutor, but is finding it difficult with you, then I think the obvious thing to do is just leave him to it. If, as you say, he's motivated to continue, then he will be able to manage with just the tutor's help

Go slow and make sure you don’t come across too pushy and speedy. For my daughter someone here recommended issuing small amount of vouchers ( Mac Donald meal, panini etc) for not repeating the same mistakes as she went on to do her practice tests. All test papers scored above 85% added £2 to her pocket money and it worked for us. I am glad she got in the grammar school and it’s amazing and children have so many opportunities , societies and clubs and I don’t have to pay for anything. Good luck 🤞

Children can be anxious about things that they want to do. Starting a new school, going on a residential school trip, trying a new activity. It doesn’t mean that pulling them out is the right option.

Ow, touched a nerve? You have had time to think about secondary school catchment for a number of years, and I don’t for a moment believe that you have never slagged off the nearest school to friends, neighbours or relatives within his hearing, and judging by your choice language you wouldn’t have held back either.