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Original poster

11+ is going to ruin me

442 replies

AlwaysReadyNeverSteady · 24/06/2023 12:40

Hi, sorry if this is garbled, I've had a very emotionally fraught morning.

DS is due to sit 11+ this September. He has had a 1:1 tutor for around 18 months. She comes very well recommended and is known for being upfront with parents if she thinks their child might not be quite right for the process/test. She assures me he is able enough.

He's been doing well across all areas, although slightly less so on the maths. He has a LOT of homework which I try to spread out across the week, so we're only doing a couple of (set pages) of books a night and the corrections for practise tests he'd done to previous week with tutor.

Its not always been easy to get him to focus after school, which I do understand as he works hard at school too, but we get through it. Lately he has been so emotional about it and I've apparently just got to the bottom of why... Sat with him this morning, going through corrections of test he'd sat last week. Just burst into tears, beside himself, wouldn't tell me why... Gave him some space and afterwards he told me it's because he doesn't like the way I explain things to him and that I'm "too positive."

For context, I've been a primary school teacher for 14 years. I know how to teach children and what works for different children. My kids at school always achieve well, above national expectations and I've never had any complaints about my teaching style. I never get frustrated with him, am supportive and encouraging and always try to approach the work with a positive attitude, explaining misconceptions patiently.
I'm a single parent and work full time teaching, so to be completely honest it's a massive slog for me to keep motivated and positive for him doing all this by myself. His father is utterly useless and does NONE of the work with him.

I just don't know what to do. This whole process is killing me, I am utterly exhausted. Hearing what he said has just knocked me for six. All this money and time I've invested and endless motivation when I've been on my knees after hard days at work. And I've upset him.

I'm sad and confused and I don't know what to do. I have asked him multiple times if it's because he doesn't want to carry on and he always says he doesn't want to give up.

What do I do?

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 24/06/2023 15:07

AlwaysReadyNeverSteady · 24/06/2023 12:52

We had a 2 week break recently. He's fine with tutor. Just seems to resent me

So leave it up yo the tutor you're paying for. As a teacher you should understand that kids do better with teachers they're not living with,be Mum.

JazzyBBG · 24/06/2023 15:06

It's just kids and parents. My husband supported Dd through her 11+ more than I did and she was vile to him! Don't take it personally. Leave it to the tutor he'll be much nicer to her!

fireflyloo · 24/06/2023 15:02

@AlwaysReadyNeverSteady
I've 3 degrees including a doctorate and I wouldn't know where to start with that!

I've recently been through 11+ with dd. She had a tutor for a year, as did most in her class. Despite being an ex teacher, I can't teach her. We're too close. I had to take a massive step back. I think it's normal for them to go through waves of emotions. I'd just continue being supportive and encouraging without being pushy.

PinkIcedCream · 24/06/2023 15:02

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Foxesandsquirrels · 24/06/2023 15:02

MarigoldGlove · 24/06/2023 14:07

No. She absolutely was not lying. We don't have the sort of relationship where we lie to each other.

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So you're telling me your friend did absolutely no work with her child to help them? No familiarisation papers, nothing? As I said, you don't need a tutor to have a tutored child. Not many children are prepped as intensely as OPs son.

Foxesandsquirrels · 24/06/2023 15:00

BodyKeepingScore · 24/06/2023 14:16

This is utter nonsense. I didn't tutor, or did I pay a tutor for my elder two DC, the vast majority of their peers did not have additional tutoring at 11+ age either. Tutoring is less prevalent in general here. My thoughts are ultimately that if a child needs additional tutoring, then they'll struggle with the demands of grammar school. When my friends tell me their DC didn't have a tutor either I believe them...

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Did you help your child at home? Do familiarisation papers?

Original poster
AlwaysReadyNeverSteady · 24/06/2023 14:58

Aside from the content of the exams (mainly maths) not being taught until much later, I'd love to know how many naturally bright children would even know where to begin in answering questions like these without at least exposure to them. DS has been taught the technique and can now do them with ease. Children will not have encountered anything like this during year 5 at school. If no one was tutored to at least teach them the technique we'd have pretty empty grammar schools.

11+ is going to ruin me
OP posts:
whatfreshhellisthis23 · 24/06/2023 14:56

I suppose the ideal solution is moving out a grammar area and getting away from such a toxic system. How close to the border of a more sane LEA are you?

Original poster
AlwaysReadyNeverSteady · 24/06/2023 14:49

TrueScrumptious · 24/06/2023 14:46

You said he gets a LOT of homework. Is that half an hour a day on top of any work he gets from school? I think half an hour a day is too much, though.

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He barely gets any homework from school. Online mathletics once a week that he completes in about 5 minutes and spellings that he breezes through and doesn't need to practice. We don't do half an hour every day, as I can't physically manage is with my work load too. I'd say probably 4-5 days out of 7

OP posts:
PreplexJ · 24/06/2023 14:46

FcukTheDay · 24/06/2023 14:41

Neither of my two were tutored, DD in Year 7 Grammar and DS starts in grammar in September.

My DD2 will not be able to pass the exam, sure I could get her tutored so she could gain entry but it's pointless if I know she can't keep up the work. I don't agree with tutoring for the 11+ at all.

In the area where majority of the students get in with similar or same level of "intensive" tutoring, you won't have the problem of not keeping up in grammar.

TrueScrumptious · 24/06/2023 14:46

AlwaysReadyNeverSteady · 24/06/2023 14:24

No, not at the grindstone. We do half an hour max a day.

You said he gets a LOT of homework. Is that half an hour a day on top of any work he gets from school? I think half an hour a day is too much, though.

FcukTheDay · 24/06/2023 14:44

I do know the content of the exam papers, they are tough but teaching someone to pass an exam is different to actually being able to pass. Grammar can be harsh environment, those I know who have been heavily tutored really struggle.

summerpug · 24/06/2023 14:43

So
he’s at full time school ,with homework
he’s got a tutor ,who gives him homework
and your working with him to ,each night after school
kids going to hit a wall here ,dig his heels in and refuse,and to be honest I wouldn’t blame him.
we all want the best for our kids…but that is a lot of pressure

FcukTheDay · 24/06/2023 14:41

Neither of my two were tutored, DD in Year 7 Grammar and DS starts in grammar in September.

My DD2 will not be able to pass the exam, sure I could get her tutored so she could gain entry but it's pointless if I know she can't keep up the work. I don't agree with tutoring for the 11+ at all.

Thethingswedoforlove · 24/06/2023 14:41

@AlwaysReadyNeverSteady maybe for now just tell the tutor that it hasn’t been possible to go through the corrections and can they do it? Your ds will prob be more amenable to you doing it again in a few weeks.

Original poster
AlwaysReadyNeverSteady · 24/06/2023 14:39

@Thethingswedoforlove thank you for your post. It really seems that many people commenting have no idea of the content of the exam.

Thank you to everyone who has read my posts properly and offered some great advice, I'm taking it all in, I really am.

In response to those saying take a step back, I generally do and he gets on with it without my help for the majority - it's just that the corrections for the practise tests, his tutor has specifically asked me to go through them with him, so I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Sorry, I can't remember which poster said it should be possible to move schools, do you mean if the school isn't suitable? I know there's waiting lists etc, I'm just struggling I guess with the responsibility of all of it on my own and the uncertainty is extra stress I just don't need.

Thank you again to those who've offered constructive, positive advice, it really means a lot x

OP posts:
Stonetears · 24/06/2023 14:32

OP the 11+ is a traumatic process for lots of us - how he is behaving with you is nothing to do with your skills as a teacher - it’s simply a child sounding off at his closest parent because it’s pressured and scary and he’s old enough to know just how important it is for his future . I’ve gone through this twice and had all sorts of angst with both my boys ( two very different kids- one passed easily and one didn’t ) . Let your tutor do their job and cover the things he is shaky not you and make sure he is having a couple of days a week off from tutoring for the benefit of both of you !

PreplexJ · 24/06/2023 14:31

Goldencup · 24/06/2023 14:18

DS has just completed his first year at Oxbridge (got a first in his exams) he got in to a superselective grammar school from the wait list. We did a practice paper (5 days a week) from Easter year 5 until the exam. If he wants a shot at a place he will need to work over this summer.

Wow that is 7/8 years ago

BungleandGeorge · 24/06/2023 14:30

Personally I think it’s all too much-tutoring, additional homework every night. It’s the end of the school year and he’s tired. I’d stop the study during the week, do a bit at the weekend until the summer holidays and then pick it up again. I’d guess he got upset with your comment because of the implication that he’ll be able to remember air and apply it next time. What if he can’t? You might not mean to put pressure on him, you might truly have his interests at heart about the secondary school but you’re obviously very invested in him going and he will know that and feel pressure whatever you say to him. If perhaps have some back up plans. As a teacher moving area should be possible if the comp is really that bad (generally there’s a mix of children in every school). I don’t really believe in tutoring but at least you’re up front about it, many parents just pretend they don’t but the reality has become that it’s hard to get in without some tutoring

Original poster
AlwaysReadyNeverSteady · 24/06/2023 14:25

How else can I back off? I am literally doing everything everyone has suggested already, Please, please read the thread.

OP posts:
Thethingswedoforlove · 24/06/2023 14:24

@AlwaysReadyNeverSteady i really feel for you. I have been through this twice. It nearly broke me both times. I totally get that your ds wants to do it but js finding it hard. Just take one day at a time. Maybe step away from trying to help him but just provide him structure to do the work set by the tutor until he asks for help again. We used to say die thing like help will be available between x and y times it’s up to you if you want it. And yes lots of people don’t realise that it’s based on year 6 maths curriculum and that the vr and nvr simply requires exposure to be able to do it. Being tutored does not mean they won’t cope when they are there. Both my dds got their first choice and have thrived there. They would definitely say it was worth it even though there were some very hard moments with each of them. Hang in there and if he wants to go to a particular school in the long run he will be so grateful you has e hk. This opportunity. I’ve just been through simultaneous a level and GCSEs wi th mine and honestly I still wonder whether prepping for the 11+ was so much harder because it was me that had to decide how much work to do or not do and to try and motivate them. Hang in there and don’t listen to the pp who simply don’t get it.

Paq · 24/06/2023 14:24

It’s really really hard to be a teacher to your own kids. DH is a brilliant teacher but DD will not listen to a word he says.

Back off and leave it to the tutor. And the debate about the inherent wrongs in our education system is worth having but probably on another thread.

Original poster
AlwaysReadyNeverSteady · 24/06/2023 14:24

No, not at the grindstone. We do half an hour max a day.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysReadyNeverSteady · 24/06/2023 14:23

He is more than capable of most of the work itself it's mainly the things he hasn't encountered before, some of which I know for certain he wouldn't in school until after the exam. Exam technique is also important. It's completely different to anything they've encountered before at school.

I don't know. I feel like I need someone to take control of all if this for me because I think I'm just making a mess of it.

OP posts:
Mariposista · 24/06/2023 14:22

This poor poor boy. It's hot, he's 10, it's end of June, he's done a full year at school - and you want him to be hard at the grindstone? Back off! If he passes, he passes, if he doesn't, plenty of kids who didn't go to grammar school go on to excel. Sounds like it's more what you want rather than what is right for him.