Refused non selective private school place…. Child devastated and have run out of options… just want to vent

This is what makes me so mad with the UK education system - children that have executive function deficits are labelled as 'naughty' and made to feel bad about not being able to do certain things...which is effectively traits of their disability. To get a diagnosis of ADHD he needs a track record of being late...but he's then getting dentition for it? I would be screaming the corridors down if my child with executive function problems was being given dentition for showing the signs of his disability. Our education system is failing neurodiverse children.
Myself and my children have inattentive ADHD (please google) and their schools know not to give them detention.
In fact in the next few years when I have more time I am going to launch a campaign for schools to better recognise and understand executive function issues and how they can help these kids rather than label them as naughty and effect their confidence. In feel schools are being openly disablist punishing these kids for showing traits of their disability.
I know its frustrating but from what I have read in your OP I am not sure your son does sound suitable for this school. He might find his current school too big and noisy...but you are also alluding to his biggest problem being social issues.
If I was you I would find him a good play therapist or someone else who can help him develop his social skills. He needs to develop these in getting hm prepared for being an adult. You need to use this opportunity to work out what skills he has missing and how to get them.
In terms of the school being big and noisy - he won't be the only child with sensory overload - the school sen office should be able to help with this but unfort schools can not be forthcoming without a diagnosis.
Can I just add - my children go to different schools and both schools have accepted private diagnosis and private ed phsy reports and given them the necessary support.
Also, - please google infant reflexes not going dormant and see if that applies to him because there are things that can be done to help reduce his sensory overload.

Hello OP I have been there and know how it feels when your child is rejected. I am not sure if you are anywhere near Bruern Abbey in Oxfordshire- but if you are go and see John Floyd the head

That’s what trial days are for. They don’t want pupils they think will be disruptive or ‘hard work.’ Probably best he didn’t get in. He’s unlikely to have been happy there.

I got independent EP and SaLT reports and my son was turned down by all 3 local “nurturing”
private schools. I couldn’t get over the refusal letter saying they didn’t think he could cope with the noisy and busy environment of their school - oh, but a school with twice the number in a class and 3 times the number of pupils across the school will be quieter and calmer?!!!!
Fine, reject my son if you must, but don’t come up with some stupid reasons 😡
I feel your sadness @Endofroadwhatnext as have been through somewhat similar.
In terms of private assessments, our ASD assessment was funded by the NHS but they outsourced it to a private firm. The report has been accepted by both NHS and Local Authority as it meets NICE guidelines (it had to as they were assessing on behalf of the NHS!). We then chose to have his ADHD assessment done by the same firm but privately as we couldn’t wait the 2 years we would have needed to on the NHS - this report is also to NICE guidelines and has been accepted by CAMHS and he is now under them for medication. Good luck with it all.

If you have the resources for private school fees, get an independent ASD/ADHD assessment and a private Ed Psych report. Use those to get either the correct support in the current school (possibly including an EHCP) and/or to open doors to more appropriate settings.

Find an ASD clinic led by someone who either still also does, or did very recently, NHS work. They can't reject it from a Dr who also works for them the rest of the week.

Waiting 2 years isn't going to help any of you.

Schools and LAs cannot have a blanket policy of refusing to accept independent assessments purely because they are independent. The validity of any assessment and potential diagnosis is less likely to be questioned if the assessment follows the NICE guidelines &/or the HCP also undertakes NHS work.

However, support in schools is based on needs, not diagnosis. If DS needs more support have you considered requesting an EHCNA?

I'd have thought if anything, this thread might have shown you that a "massive local comp" might actually have better, and kinder, provision than many a tiny private school. It will certainly have more ND children which means less feeling like the odd one out.

I’ve read on here by a couple of posters with children with SEN themselves that their kids got on better in schools with lower ofsted ratings. I’m not saying that’s always the case. My dd didn’t get on with a large Ofsted outstanding school and changed to private provision. It has a lot of issues and is a bit renowned for that despite the rating. Several children dropped out or went over to the private sector between years 7 and 10 - dd is now Yr 10. Smaller state schools are also better, especially if in a small / market town or village.

If you do have the meeting with the head, perhaps you can persuade them to reconsider if you talk about the cockiness being a mask and that will go once your ds feels more confident… presuming this is the case. Perhaps you could ask for assistance from his former primary?

As for the importance of a child fitting into a school, I do understand why it seems so grossly unfair. However, now that I’ve learned a little more about private education, I do now appreciate the importance. I know of a very small private school, which does take anyone and there are a lot of issues as some of the children there are very traumatised and some have behavioural issues along with others, who attend the school simply because their parents want them to attend independent provision. So a real mixed bag of children attending. There have been a number of issues arising and and it seems as though the school is not able to adequately safeguard and support the traumatised children.

Agreed @manontroppo . My boys go to a secondary with 330 per year but have been fantastically supported although very different profiles.

It’s not the size or comprehensive nature - a 240 pupil per year comp near us has brilliant specialist autism provision. Half of that is because the school is big enough to support it.

You can’t generalise.

Have you started the process to get an EHCP at your current school?
You don’t need a diagnosis for that and school should be able to get assessments done.
I would be pushing back against detentions for being late. Get the Senco on your side and have a meeting with her and the Head of Year if necessary.

I don’t know why there aren’t more supported home learning and part time school options especially post pandemic - many schools and classes are too big and too busy. We have the technology…

Should have said “going to the local comp over my dead body”

Any school who rejects a child on such spurious grounds (or worse, puts forward a spurious excuse to spare your feelings) can GTF quite frankly. I can imagine your poor boy was trying so hard to impress.

I can also imagine that a neurodivergent kid is going to stand out like a sore thumb in a class of only nine.

Ugh, how depressing. My autistic boy is only in year 2 but I already know that he’s local to a massive comp over my dead body. Your thread is making me realise how few options are out there OP.

I absolutely hate the drive to dissuade parents from private assessment. It reduces the burden on the NHS, children get their needs met quicker. What is not to like about this arrangement?!

The LA don't like it because suddenly, evidence exists that they need to provide funding for a child's unmet needs. They prefer the woolly, unspecific reports created by their own cardboard Ed Psychs.

Yes....can seonc/third the outstanding comments. My experience is that IN GENERAL these schools are outstanding for the average and above kids who are relatively malleable and compliant.

My own children were at one. We moved them to an RI school and the care and creativity in their methods of inclusion has blown me away and had me in tears post drop off on some days. They have been amazing.

I make these comments as a SEN parent and a teacher, so I have seen both sides xxx

I’m sorry OP. I’ve worked at a school that sounds similar to this. I would guess that in that small class of 9 boys there is already one if not two with significant needs that are taking up a lot of teacher time and other parents are starting to get antsy. I would guess they have made a crude calculation (being a business) that taking one extra child with a more needy profile could risk losing multiple children from the class. You don’t know what’s going on in the background regarding parent complaints etc.

By all means leave him on the NHS wait list but I would still be seeking a private assessment in the meantime. If you have the financial means it seems utterly bonkers to not do that and leave him floundering. Knowledge is power and surely having a better understanding of his issues can only help him?

Exactly what I was going to say. Outstanding doesn't always mean outstanding for all. Are there smaller state schools locally?

It also turned out my one had ADHD. Hence the troubles in school. They were dragged in though and I couldn’t do it every single fay

however home ed has changed them. You wouldn’t know how strong. Kind loving they are now! Life has changed and I’ll never get them back in school. They want to be medical though and has trouble focusing. But will do ok.

That’s what we did

i said we decided it wasn’t good enough for you.

Have you tried a different state school? Outstanding secondaries can be fairly brutal and not keen on supporting SEN, as they are generally all about the results. If you went after an Outstanding school, your son may be a square peg in a round hole.

The psychiatrist who diagnosed my child with ASD and ADHD spends half her time doing private diagnosis and half doing CAMHS diagnosis. The irony!

I absolutely hate the drive to dissuade parents from private assessment. It reduces the burden on the NHS, children get their needs met quicker. What is not to like about this arrangement?!

I say this in the kindest way....SENCos are extremely put upon in schools. Some REALLY know their stuff. Others know very, very little and may not have even taken their SENCo training yet (they don't have to take it in order to secure the role, just agree to starting the training in the first two years of their position). In a lot of cases they are fire fighting and drowing in SEN admin for childrens assessments and EHCPs. They are not always beacons of SEN knowledge. Instead, go and speak to someone at IPSEA. They will shine a light on the way forward for you. Good luck xx

https://www.ipsea.org.uk/Pages/Category/service-overview