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Help please, 15 years old daughter not in school

32 replies

Zapi · 08/05/2023 04:47

Hi , first time here posting here, I would appreciate any advice and direction towards helping my 15 year old daughter. She has been unwell for awhile ,anxiety and low mood, starting to get worse beginning of this year. She is on the spectrum, diagnosed in primary school. She is not attending school at the moment with severe anxiety, stopped going in by February. She is getting online CAMHS therapy for a couple weeks now, early days. I will write the back story below but to get to the point where I need help with, I am going to have a meeting next week with school Educational psychologist, I would appreciate any advice how I should prepare for it to get the most out of it and I would like to hear from anyone who is willing to share their experiences with similar situations in secondary education, their kids not school what to expect and do next . Thank you so much for reading.

Just to give more information
My daughter is under the school’s SEN for ASD. She is and has been affected by anxiety all her childhood but not to the extent she is experiencing at the moment. She had received different talk and CBT therapies through school to manage anxiety in the past but none of them she has found helpful. She had a difficult start in secondary school with transition and adjustments, bullying, finding it hard fitting in and making friends, the usual challenges with most autistic kids. But , by year 9 she was doing well academically, catching up with her peers and in a friendship group with a few girls who are all very academic. In her current Year ten she managed to move up to top sets in most subjects. And then after Xmas break last year, she started having severe anxiety symptoms usually triggered just before any kind of assessments and school had to call me a couple of times to take her home because she couldn’t physically calm down, too agitated. It did get pretty bad quickly after that, she couldn’t attend lessons but stayed in the school, trying do lessons by herself, struggled to catch up and finally stopped going to school since February. School has been supportive, they have offered reduced time table, a slow build up to reintegrating my daughter back into school. None accepted by my daughter. She is totally disengaged from any kind learning and she doesn’t think she will ever go back to school. She keeps telling me she is unwell and I am not understanding her. To be honest she is right but I am trying. My focus so far has been getting her some support for mental health while encouraging her to work on her GCSE. But she is waiting to be cured first, her words. Understandably I am worried about her education and future.

OP posts:
Oblomov23 · 08/05/2023 06:51

Could be totally wrong here, barking up the wrong tree, but : Cured is a defensive, negative viewpoint. It's like saying I want the relentlessness of my type 1 diabetes to stop. I want say eg tinnitus to just just stop, please. Go away. Just stop. But it doesn't, it can't. Things don't just stop, rarely get 'cured'.
She needs acceptance. Of herself. Her ASD, her anxiety, that is her, part of her. She has to accept that, and find practical ways of dealing with it. Verbalise what is really bothering her, and then adults and professionals plus fellow sufferers via online support groups, will suggests apps, books, adjustments to our way of thing about it, that may just help. And we have to keep trying different things until we find something that does help, even if it's only a tiny bit.

Bubbleswithsqueak · 08/05/2023 06:44

This is increasingly common for ND teens. My DS has been out of school for nearly 2 years now, having been seriously unwell (and managed 5 GCSEs). Have a Google of autistic burnout.
Your DD needs an EHCP as she is not able to access school due to her SEND. Don't let them fob you off by trying to separate out mental health from autism. Keep repeating the narrative that she is autistic, which means that she struggled with the sensory and social overwhelm of school, and is unable to cope with the pressure of the assessments.
There are lots of options - online school, tutors, self study, special schools. Please prioritise her mental health and don't worry too much about everything else. She will get there in the end, even if it takes a while.
There's a great thread on the mental health board called parents of anxious teens - lots of expertise !

Oblomov23 · 08/05/2023 06:36

Her choice of wording is interesting: cured. I think you need to get to the bottom of what she really means. Verbalising it, or trying to, will help, so that she can try and explain to camhs online counsellor what it is that she wants. Tell her you suggest you both talk about this, again and again, to try and express it, put it into words so that everyone can help her. This will be tricky, but trying is actually part of the whole healing process.

SnorkelingInHawai · 08/05/2023 06:31

My DS has ASD and ADHD.

Similar story to yours - he just found being physically in school too overwhelming and despite being very bright was crashing and not passing any subjects.

So we took the decision to home educate.

We initially gave him 3 months off to recover and before the end of that time his thirst for learning was back.

Due to Covid we spread out his GCSEs over 12 months sitting some in May/June, more in November and again some in May/June.
This approach is very common among home educators as there is no rule they all have to be sat together.

He ended up with all 8s and 9s including in a subject he started from scratch 8 months before the exam.

We generally only did 2 hours of work per day / 5 days a week - increasing it in the 6 weeks prior to exams but never did any work in the evenings or weekends.

This gave him time to follow other interests and not feel overwhelmed.

If you want to PM me I can share some really helpful Facebook groups with you.
You will find many children who start home
ed in their mid teens also are neurodivergent.

Best decision we ever made - son has blossomed and is happy and confident again.

Elderflower2016 · 08/05/2023 06:13

The children I know who have had an Ed psych assessment either online or in person have found them very approachable - remember most of their assessments will be with children who are anxious so usually very flexible in the appointment. They will write a report and make recommendations of what they think the school needs to provide in order for her needs to be met. Might be useful to write a list beforehand of her strengths and difficulties. Does she already have an ehcp? Theoretically would you be able to stay at home if she didn’t return to school the traditional sense? Someone else will no doubt come along soon who knows the intricacies but I believe that whilst a child is on roll the school need to provide reasonable adjustments in order for them to access education. Next steps seem to be working out what that looks like in practice.

Zapi · 08/05/2023 05:59

Thanks Elderflower, it is good to know there are options to explore. I think when she said cured, it is not in a sense for her autism, it is to do with her anxiety and the physical symptoms of it, they distresses her too much and I believe she has health anxiety too. Do you have any experience dealing with school educational physiologists?

OP posts:
Elderflower2016 · 08/05/2023 05:47

That sounds very stressful for you both. Are her worries less now she’s not in school? Ie do you think she doesn’t thrive in school environment? If so lots of state schools fund online gcse tutoring through platforms such as Tute. Our local comp is sending gcse invigilators to homes of kids so they can do their GCSEs in their kitchen as it’s their normal way of working. I think there’s a fb gp called Not fine in school or similar. Interested in her “cured” sentence. I wonder what she wants to be cured from? What is her understanding of autism? What can she do at home that she loves? Is she able to connect with peers online or otherwise?