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Original poster

Moving DD in Yr9 from state to private .... ?

34 replies

sunnysideup05 · 24/04/2023 11:41

I know many are opposed to private but our circumstances have changed a bit recently and we're able to afford to send DD to a private school in YR9 (she's currently Y8). She's at the local state and is very happy there, but we're increasingly noticing that she's not being challenged in subjects where she's very strong (English, history etc); and not getting nearly enough support in subjects where she struggles, particularly maths and science. There are huge gaps in her science and maths. The school itself is a very happy place but last year only 20% of kids got A-C grades at GSCE. This seems really low and is way below the national average. DD was always an avid reader, but has fallen in with a group that sees reading as uncool and it feels like her values and interests are changing - I know that's what happens at this age, but it worries me a lot.

Earlier this year she took an entrance exam and had interviews at a local private school. She was happy to do all this, and seemed to really like the school when we looked around it. She never said she was 100% certain she wanted to go if offered a place, but she said she really liked it as well as the people she met. Anyway, we've now been offered a place and in the last few weeks she's completely hardened against this as an option. She says it's posh, and it's an 'identity' she doesn't want, and the school uniform is horrible and she won't like anyone there. She also says she won't 'shine' there in the way she does at her current school (she is in the highest set and does well in sport). Her friendship group at her current school has become closer in recent months; and there's a lot of stigma attached to the private school she has a place at. At the same time, I feel like if she gave the new school a try, she'd really love it and the opportunities there would be amazing for her. I just don't know what to do now. She's happy where she is, but not getting the attention she needs (she's not being challenged in the subjects where she does very well; and not getting enough support in the subjects where she is challenged); there is no homework, so she's back at home by 3.30 with not much to do etc.... And when I say she is 'happy', I mean the teenage version of happy.... she's pretty miserable and grumpy about something or other most of the time... Part of our reasoning for sending her to the private school is that the days are longer and there are loads of extra-curricular activities that would keep her stimulated and engaged - that's when she seems happiest.

Any advice gratefully received.....

OP posts:
Original poster
sunnysideup05 · 24/04/2023 12:05

Thanks for all your replies. I think what's really bothering me is that she makes friends very easily and is academic and able and I think she would be happy at the private school. She really liked it when we looked around; she liked the other people she met when she did the entrance exam; and she already has friends there - one of whom is a really close friend. My worry is that her current objections, even though she is feeling them passionately, might be quite fleeting. Her friendship group at her current school seems to change quite a bit, for example. At the moment, we'd be 'forcing' her to go, but I think she'd be fine within a week or two of being there. That's my strong instinct. But I just don't know for sure! At the same time, if we let her stay where she is, I know for sure she wouldn't be reaching her full potential.

OP posts:
Dodgeitornot · 24/04/2023 11:59

My DD is in Y10 and we're doing this now but she's going to retake the year. We had to do trials at quite a few schools till we settled. The poshness and lack of diversity was a sticking point in a few of them.
Can you ask the private school to give her a few more trial days? My DD didn't really click with it till day 3 of the trial. It's a big decision but with those results I'm not sure I'd be giving her much choice.
Is her current school oversubscribed? We have told DD that if things don't work out in the first term, she can go back, or if she hates it by the end of GCSEs she can go back to state for sixth.

user1492757084 · 24/04/2023 11:58

Talk to your daughter about her longer life goals.
She needs to take seriously her career path and identify her strengths and joys.
She also needs to smarten up her committment to homework which ever school she is at.

Can you have her join a sport or club which has girls from both schools? Then her freiendship group will expand.
Does the new school have a fete or musical that you could attend?
Can she be tutored as extras? (if she stays at her old school)

FancyFran · 24/04/2023 11:57

There is no easy answer. My daughter went from state to private in year 9 due to bullying. The next lot were worse! She had been in a private school 3-11 which was fine. My DD is also very academic. She ended up in a state multi cultural sixform which she loved.
I have noticed that generation Z don't really agree with private schools/ white privilege etc. It really out of fashion to be seen not to support the wider community. Both my DC refused to apply to Oxford due to its connotations of elitism. Be careful of forcing her. My DD downed tools when she was unhappy. We had school refusal. For content my DS works in politics, my daughter is a med student so not too shabby.

Gregorylass · 24/04/2023 11:53

Generally, I prefer private schools but this sounds tricky. Her friendship group is important to her and she is happy where she is. She may be very daunted by the prospect of starting somewhere else, where the friendship groups are already established.

Your concern is valid regarding her academic performance, but you might be better improving her chances of good grades by employing tutors in the subjects in which she needs a boost.

Original poster
sunnysideup05 · 24/04/2023 11:53

Thanks for your replies. For a bit of context, she already knows people at the school (some of whom are good friends, which is why her sudden turn against it feels a bit confusing); and there is a big new intake at Y9 so she wouldn't be the only one starting, they have loads of new starters at that point. We could go down the tutoring route, but we're in quite a rural area so it would have to be online which is not ideal, and she'd give us hell on that too.

OP posts:
Taq · 24/04/2023 11:49

OR if you really want her to go and truly believe it will benefit her, I think you have to think of a way of making it her idea.

Taq · 24/04/2023 11:48

Moving from state to private in Y9 is not ideal, but doable if the child really wants it.

Your child doesn’t, so I think it’s a hard no. She will struggle to be accepted at this point anyway as friendships are already established, but this will be doubly worse as she will blame and resent you for it.

Why not get extra tuition?

Alargeoneplease89 · 24/04/2023 11:45

If she is forced to go, she will rebel. Cant you use your extra money for a tutor on her weaker subjects?