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Original poster

Moving DD in Yr9 from state to private .... ?

34 replies

sunnysideup05 · 24/04/2023 11:41

I know many are opposed to private but our circumstances have changed a bit recently and we're able to afford to send DD to a private school in YR9 (she's currently Y8). She's at the local state and is very happy there, but we're increasingly noticing that she's not being challenged in subjects where she's very strong (English, history etc); and not getting nearly enough support in subjects where she struggles, particularly maths and science. There are huge gaps in her science and maths. The school itself is a very happy place but last year only 20% of kids got A-C grades at GSCE. This seems really low and is way below the national average. DD was always an avid reader, but has fallen in with a group that sees reading as uncool and it feels like her values and interests are changing - I know that's what happens at this age, but it worries me a lot.

Earlier this year she took an entrance exam and had interviews at a local private school. She was happy to do all this, and seemed to really like the school when we looked around it. She never said she was 100% certain she wanted to go if offered a place, but she said she really liked it as well as the people she met. Anyway, we've now been offered a place and in the last few weeks she's completely hardened against this as an option. She says it's posh, and it's an 'identity' she doesn't want, and the school uniform is horrible and she won't like anyone there. She also says she won't 'shine' there in the way she does at her current school (she is in the highest set and does well in sport). Her friendship group at her current school has become closer in recent months; and there's a lot of stigma attached to the private school she has a place at. At the same time, I feel like if she gave the new school a try, she'd really love it and the opportunities there would be amazing for her. I just don't know what to do now. She's happy where she is, but not getting the attention she needs (she's not being challenged in the subjects where she does very well; and not getting enough support in the subjects where she is challenged); there is no homework, so she's back at home by 3.30 with not much to do etc.... And when I say she is 'happy', I mean the teenage version of happy.... she's pretty miserable and grumpy about something or other most of the time... Part of our reasoning for sending her to the private school is that the days are longer and there are loads of extra-curricular activities that would keep her stimulated and engaged - that's when she seems happiest.

Any advice gratefully received.....

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Breeze67 · 29/09/2026 10:44

MathildaF · 28/09/2026 22:43

I am in a very similar position now - would love an update on what happened / whether anyone else has made such a move (state to private for year 9 daughter) and how it went academically / socially / emotionally, please!

@MathildaF I hope my previous reply was helpful. I also think it's not just about the end result—which is hard to judge for any life choice anyway—but about whether it's the right decision in the moment.

Breeze67 · 29/09/2026 10:39

Wow, just realized the post was 3 years ago!

Breeze67 · 29/09/2026 10:37

"She says it's posh, and it's an 'identity' she doesn't want" @sunnysideup05

No, she did not mean that. What she really meant is that her classmates in her current school think the private school is posh and look down on it. As she naturally does not want to be looked down upon by her classmates, she does not want this 'identity'.
What she does not know, however, is:

  1. What 'posh' really means, and
  2. She will have a new identity in her new school, and her happiness will largely depend on her new environment.

It is a fact that she liked it. So ask your DD to live her own life and not be influenced by others. She can have 1,000 reasons not to go to the new school, but not because she does not want this identity in fear of other people's opinions! If I were you, I would try my best to persuade her, and I think I would succeed. Yes, it is your responsibility to make the 'right' decision she might not like, but it is also your responsibility to help her like it!

HollyIvie · 29/09/2026 00:16

see this an old post but personally I’d never move a happy child. Id probably use the money towards tutoring, extra clubs and university.

MathildaF · 28/09/2026 22:43

I am in a very similar position now - would love an update on what happened / whether anyone else has made such a move (state to private for year 9 daughter) and how it went academically / socially / emotionally, please!

theyregonnaknow · 02/01/2025 15:03

@sunnysideup05 what did you decide on the end? Curious to know as we’re in a similar position, albeit my child is getting into trouble and fallen in with the wrong crowd at his comp. Y9 is turning out to be an horrendous experience for us, and what is making it worse is that we considered private at Y6 into Y7 but decided against it. Kicking ourselves now.

Postapocalypticcowgirl · 24/04/2023 18:39

Would the private school definitely go back and fill in the gaps? If she has gaps in maths, and then is expected to work at a faster pace as well, that may not help. Equally, in science, through moving schools (any schools) she could end up with more gaps, as often KS3 curriculums vary.

To be honest, tutoring sounds like a better solution. I teach rurally, and know people who tutor in person in this area. For science and maths, if you advertise, you will find someone.

I don't think moving a teenager between schools against their will is ever going to be successful.

Dodgeitornot · 24/04/2023 17:56

I don't think she would have a choice but to move if she was my DD. I think there's an element of choice at that age but it's far too big a decision to stress a child out with. She has no idea on the long term consequences these things have. I'd request a trial there and see how it goes. A month in she won't even talk to her friends from state school.

Original poster
sunnysideup05 · 24/04/2023 15:45

Thank you all so much for your advice - I really appreciate this!

With her grades - I think she would probably do fine in the subjects she is good at, but I genuinely worry about the subjects she struggles with. She is extremely hard-working but there are big gaps in her maths and science (partly a hangover from COVID) which are hard for her to fill on her own. I guess tutoring would help, but I also worry that this might not be as good an option for her, especially if it has to be online, which it would.

In terms of the school she is in now - its a warm, small, friendly school in a relatively deprived area. The vast majority of kids there have parents who did not themselves go on to university and are not aspirational in that way for their own children. None of her friends read. When she went for her interview at the private school, they had a group session and she told me that she was surprised how the other kids were using long words without feeling embarrassed and that you could never do that at her current school. There's no 'bullying' per se, more a general kind of sense that it's uncool to be academic. This kind of stuff worries me. She's popular and impressionable and she really, really cares about what people think of her. I can imagine her drifting further and further away from her love of books (which was immense) and dumbing herself down to fit in with her group.

The other big thing for us is that we are in a rural area, and there are not that many opportunities for extra-curricular stuff. So, she is often home by 3.30pm. They don't give her much homework at all. So she's in her room, or knocking around the house not doing much at all. The private school has clubs/extra-curricular stuff until 6pm every evening, and all the kids take part - it's one of the big draws of the school. She would absolutely love this side of it (although she won't admit it), and I like the idea of her having a fuller, more active life, rather than moping about the house so much....

OP posts:
HawaiiWake · 24/04/2023 14:24

So her current friends thinks it is uncool to read….the too cool for school crowd is a worry. You want her friends and peers to encourage her and her interests and not hinder her.

weightymatters73 · 24/04/2023 13:02

1005 I would send her (but you need to "persuade" her).

She is possibly in a jealous friendship group who don't want her to better herself and its a big red flag that reading is seen as uncool..

Where the heck is the idea coming from that the private school is "posh" - she is the type of kid at private school! You can afford it, so it's people like her....

pointythings · 24/04/2023 13:01

What is your DD predicted to get at the school she is at now? The local comp my DDs went to sits at about 45% grades 4 - 9, but we are in a town which has some very deprived areas where families aren't at all engaged with education and that drags the average down. The picture among high attainers is very, very different. If your DD is predicted to do well, unsettling her for Yr9 might not be for the best. Yr9 is an awful year in any case and making it worse isn't a good idea.

Are her issues with maths/science due to poor teaching or because it isn't where her aptitudes lie? That would also influence my decision. This is where work ethic really matters - my DD2 struggled with maths and science but wanted to study marine biology at uni so worked her absolute backside off and got 7s and a 6 for physics, then did Biology and Psychology A levels to get where she wanted to be.

MissyB1 · 24/04/2023 13:00

Ds is year 9 at a small private senior school. He’s just had a new girl in his form who has come from a local state school, in fact the last couple of terms there has been new kids in his year from state schools. They seem to settle in very quickly, all the clubs and activities help with that I think. I would encourage you to do it.

puffyisgood · 24/04/2023 12:55

20% A-C at GCSE (I assume this strictly speaking means grades A*-C/9-4) sounds off the scale bad/borderline implausible, but if the girl is in the top sets then presumably attainment levels are much better there?

Seeline · 24/04/2023 12:49

Do both schools offer the same sort of range of GCSEs?
Is there one that would suit her better from that point of view?

Paq · 24/04/2023 12:41

She sounds like she'll be happy and successful anywhere but others have said she needs to think about what she wants to do next. I'm about as pushy as it comes with regards to academics but as long as her gcse results get her to the next stage that's all that matters.

Original poster
sunnysideup05 · 24/04/2023 12:26

@QueenSmartypants - thank you. I understand why lots of others are questioning why we would even consider it, when she is happy where she is. But we have our reasons, and feel it would be irresponsible of us not to take this option very seriously, and possibly make a decision that she doesn't agree with, if we decide that it's in her interests in the longer term. At the moment I just don't know, but am heavily leaning towards sending her, because I'm worried that we'll all regret it further down the line if we were to pass up this opportunity for her.

OP posts:
QueenSmartypants · 24/04/2023 12:20

I would send her anyway. I think yr9 is a pretty good time to change schools tbh and her current reaction is normal and probably, as ypu suspect, fleeting.

Presumably she's told her friends she might be moving schools, which would explain the current tightening of the friendship group and backlash against private schools.

Reassure her about shining...And point out that unless she's challenged at school she'll find work and further education exceptionally difficult. Friends who weren't challenged at school never knew what it was to find work difficult and completely broke down at university when they were no longer big fish in small ponds.

And finally, as her parent you do what's right for her.

VincentVaguer · 24/04/2023 12:17

MedievalNun · 24/04/2023 12:16

Another one suggesting a trial - could she perhaps do a couple of weeks at the private school at the end of term, to see how she 'fits'?

Peer pressure amongst girls is awful and a fear of having no friends outside school, or being the 'outsider' in the school is not fun.

That said if she's expressing worry about her level of achievement if she goes there (i.e. going from top of the set to lower in it) it might help her to do a couple of days - even maybe just a couple of the subjects - to see that it's not so great a leap she thinks.

Good luck.

I doubt they'll do this tbh unless they are really desperate for kids.

VincentVaguer · 24/04/2023 12:16

sunnysideup05 · 24/04/2023 12:11

@Dodgeitornot that's interesting to hear. Did your daughter want to move schools in the first place? My DD actually knows the private school pretty well - she's done sports tournaments there; plays in a couple of mixed sports team. Went to primary school with several kids who are currently there.
This 'us' and 'them' narrative seems to have hardened recently. That's want seems to be the problem. Socially, she identifies with her state school mates and doesn't want to become one of the 'posh' ones. I get that totally. But I also feel like we need to consider the full picture, not just her social concerns. She's also worried about being a small fish in a big pond at the new school. At her current school she gets prizes/awards etc, and she's worried that she'll be at the bottom of the pile at the new school. At the same time, she got a partial scholarship for her performance in humanities in the entrance exam, so surely they will recognise her abilities in that area at least.

Your dd is right. Listen to her. My dd went from being top set and sports hero to middle sets and just one of many amazing sporty kids. She didn't mind but your dd is telling you that she does mind.

MedievalNun · 24/04/2023 12:16

Another one suggesting a trial - could she perhaps do a couple of weeks at the private school at the end of term, to see how she 'fits'?

Peer pressure amongst girls is awful and a fear of having no friends outside school, or being the 'outsider' in the school is not fun.

That said if she's expressing worry about her level of achievement if she goes there (i.e. going from top of the set to lower in it) it might help her to do a couple of days - even maybe just a couple of the subjects - to see that it's not so great a leap she thinks.

Good luck.

coloursquare · 24/04/2023 12:15

I can't see why you would do this. She's happy and she seems to be doing well. By all means get her some extra tuition for maths and science. If she's as able as you say in English/humanities then she should do very well regardless at GCSE.

More to the point, to be successful at university she needs to learn self-motivation and self-discipline. There will be distractions and trends all the way through life.

iPreferBooks · 24/04/2023 12:13

If she's likely to go to university save it for living costs at uni. The maintainence loan is means tested and some people don't qualify for the maximum loan. Some peoples loan barely covers university accommodation, or if their loan covers accommodation it just covers accommodation not food as well/going out etc.

Original poster
sunnysideup05 · 24/04/2023 12:11

@Dodgeitornot that's interesting to hear. Did your daughter want to move schools in the first place? My DD actually knows the private school pretty well - she's done sports tournaments there; plays in a couple of mixed sports team. Went to primary school with several kids who are currently there.
This 'us' and 'them' narrative seems to have hardened recently. That's want seems to be the problem. Socially, she identifies with her state school mates and doesn't want to become one of the 'posh' ones. I get that totally. But I also feel like we need to consider the full picture, not just her social concerns. She's also worried about being a small fish in a big pond at the new school. At her current school she gets prizes/awards etc, and she's worried that she'll be at the bottom of the pile at the new school. At the same time, she got a partial scholarship for her performance in humanities in the entrance exam, so surely they will recognise her abilities in that area at least.

OP posts:
VincentVaguer · 24/04/2023 12:09

I'd leave her where she is if there's a chance she'll get contextual offers from university. Get tutors for the other bits. I moved mine for year 9 but she was very unhappy in the state school.

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