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Original poster

Are these normal year 7 friendship problems?

35 replies

jaqueandjill · 15/03/2023 10:31

This is a bit of an essay, I'm sorry. DD is in year 7 at an all girls school. For context, she is autistic - this may be relevant as I don't know whether the friendship problems she's been having are normal, or whether she is struggling with social communication and contributing to them. She has low support needs - she passed the 11 plus, travels to and from school independently and is very social - she likes having friends, is fun company and to my mind is a kind child.

When they started she quickly made a friend, I'll call her Jenny, that she spent break and lunch with everyday. There were no problems at all however Jenny was one of the few girls in the class who didn't have a phone, so DD couldn't chat with her outside of school. As the weeks went by DD was getting to know other people better and after the first half term, had drifted away from Jenny. I think this is probably fairly normal that the initial friends they make don't necessarily last - there was never a fallout between them and they get on still but not close.

By Xmas, DD now had a new best friend, Sarah. For the first couple of months all was great, we had her for tea etc and she seemed a lovely, polite girl and I was pleased for DD. Then DD started to get to know another girl from a different class, Anna. She pulled Anna into the fold so that they were now a threesome. Predictably, it didn't work. Sarah and Anna weren't as keen on each other as they were on DD and she started to feel pulled in different directions. Sarah started to get huffy with DD - we talked about this a lot, how Sarah was probably feeling pushed out and that it was good to have more than one friend but DD should make sure she makes time for them both.

Sarah wasn't happy though and started ignoring DD on and off and then was physically unkind. At this point DD felt she'd had enough - that she was entitled to have other friends - and decided to let the friendship with Sarah slide and concentrate on Anna.

Everything was great with Anna for a few weeks. Then, DD started to become friendly with another girl in her class, Claire. Just like before, she pulled Claire into the fold and it was a new threesome. I felt a bit wary of this but DD assured me Anna and Claire liked each other and all was good.

This lasted a couple of weeks until yesterday, when Anna got upset about something DD is adamant she didn't do, and told DD their friendship is over,

If you made it through all of that thank you! My question is, does this sound like normal year 7 friendship issues - maybe she's just encountered particularly possessive girls - or does it sound like DD is perhaps unintentionally making people feel left out or like they're being replaced? DD says she's entitled to have more than one friend which of course she is - I would prefer her to have several - but I wonder whether I could better support her.

OP posts:
Dodgeitornot · 15/03/2023 12:11

@Nowfeeltheneedtopost I think you were quite lucky or had a very extroverted DD. Quite often the quiet and sensitive girls end up in 3s or 2s, not in the big groups. It often includes 2 from primary and 1 new one. 1 from primary and 1 new one get on, the 3rd doesn't. The 2 from primary were besties from nursery and it causes no end to arguments.
It's very normal and it sounds like OPs daughter is navigating this very well. A lot of girls with autism have really amazing empathy skills and are predictable so they attract quiet girls that often have issues with self esteem, so that can also be what's happening.
It doesn't really end until end of y9 sadly, although in my experience y7 and y9 tend to be the worst.

Hooveslikejagger · 15/03/2023 12:11

I’d say perfectly normal. Some kids don’t want to be part of a larger group and prefer 1/2 close friends.
My DC are part of large friendship groups, but don’t have a ‘best friend’ as such. Other kids in the year have friendship groups of 2/3. But that only works if the ‘possessive’ friendship works for those involved. It’s horses for courses.
Often the groups of 2 and 3s do start to hang out with the bigger groups as time goes on, even if it’s not all the time.
Year 7 sees the shake up of old primary friendships and it can take a while to settle as everyone it trying to find their place.

Zola1 · 15/03/2023 11:58

Totally normal, lots of swaps and changes and girls being very sensitive or grumpy. Hope it settles down soon...year 7 was worse than year 8 for us

Travelationjubilation · 15/03/2023 11:56

urgh, totally normal. Still dealing with it in year 8. Luckily it’s my third and it does settle by the mid - end of year 9. It’s painful.

Nowfeeltheneedtopost · 15/03/2023 11:54

I'm surprised others are saying this is normal. In my experience (DD now in Y11), most children are part of bigger friendship groups (say 5 or 6 girls/boys) in secondary school rather than these "best friend" type relationships with just one other child. We had issues with best friends and dysfunctional threesomes in Y3 or Y4 primary school but not at secondary school. I'm not saying your DD is doing anything wrong - she seems to be quite rightly saying it is fine to have more than just one friend - but she has been very unlucky (in my experience) to find 3 girls who all were so possessive and only wanted one friend.

Dodgeitornot · 15/03/2023 11:18

Sounds very normal

Original poster
jaqueandjill · 15/03/2023 11:01

Ah thank you, that's so reassuring. We never had any of this at primary because she had the same group of friends the whole way through and they never fell out. It's so hard to know what is typical and when she might need additional guidance.

OP posts:
kezziekate · 15/03/2023 11:01

I worked as a teacher in a girls' school for several years and had a tutor group from year 7. This all sounds totally normal. I couldn't keep up with their fallouts and make ups and felt I was comforting a different girl every lunchtime for a while. It settles down in year 9 in my experience.

anon37484291918 · 15/03/2023 10:54

Absolutely normal.

Well done to your dd for navigating this situation so well. Friendships, especially at this age are difficult. They fall in and fall out again.

TowlesAmory · 15/03/2023 10:49

Sounds normal to me and well done to your DD for making new friends. My DD is similar in that she is happy to welcome / include a new girl to make a group of 3. But unfortunately for her, the other two hit it off and she is left out! Has happened on a number of occasions. But it’s what it is. They are still navigating relationships. I listen to her when she is upset and sometimes I feel helpless and sad for her (recent birthday party that she wasn’t invited to - only girl in the wider friendship group not invited), but I stay out and try to give a neutral viewpoint.

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